I'm still sad. And it's really starting to show now. People keep asking me "are you okay?" and I just answer "yeah" or "I'm fine", but I'm getting tired of lying. I'm in serious need of a pick-me-up. Someone needs to take me out and help me be happy again... Or I need to stop moping around and get over whatever it is that's bothering me. Sigh. Junior year absolutely sucks.
Tomorrow is my AP English test, yay! I barely learned a thing from that class. Except probably not to take AP classes. (Stupid me, I signed up for AP Biology...) So wish me good luck because I know I'll need it. Sighhhhh.
So today. Before going to lunch I stopped by the bathroom to take out my retainer and guess what I see? I walk in and I see at least 6 girls just sitting there. One girl pulled in a chair from the cafeteria, another two are sitting next to the windows, and two others are sitting with their feet ON THE SINKS. Like WHAT THE FUCK?! There was this one girl who had just come out of the bathroom and was washing her hands so I had to wait to use the ONLY OTHER SINK. Stupid little bitches. They must have no lives. One chick was doing her homework. I mean, if you're gonna skip class don't just hang out in the bathroom, go leave school or something. UGH! The underclassmen piss me off SO MUCH. The things they do... >_<"
And you know how when you walk in a bathroom full of a group of gossiping girls they all stop talking? That's what happened. I mean, it's embarrassing enough that I had to take out and wash my retainer in front of them. But I could feel their stares. AGH! Sometimes I really hate how girls act. Punk-ass bitches. I was so mad (obviously I still am). I wanted to start a fight, but clearly that wasn't the best option lol. I'll just let them run the school into the ground I guess. I don't know. Smh, what that school's becoming...
And afterschool I learned that the guys had a home game against Madison. So I stayed for a bit, but after a while I felt all sad and depressed again. Bobby and I were gonna pass, but Linh sauntered in and they talked for like 20 minutes. Next thing I know Jenny came in and he started passing with her... and Hung joined in... and Vicky. So disappointed and disheartened by the rush of much prettier girls that flowed in the gym, I walked around for a bit. I ended up at the top of the bleachers on the other side of the gym just listening to music. Ironically, just the people I wanted to avoid, Hung, Jenny and them were passing in front of the very same bleachers. Great. Luckily Vthong was there to keep me company for a while. I lay down for most of the game and I left at around 3:30 to catch the 14.
But that referee lady stopped me before leaving. She reminded me again that I was very beautiful (a great way to cheer up someone's day -- I think I'm going to start doing that, giving people compliments daily; as long as it brightens someone's day, I'm glad to do it). Then she told me that she was gonna get one of the coaches to contact me. But I told her I didn't know how I was gonna get all the way to Foxboro for all the games. She she ended it just saying to forget it. She said that I should focus on my studies. I should've told her that I did really want to do it, just that transportation was just going to be a problem... but Hung came over and I already wasn't in a good mood so I just left. And I opened the door to find the 14 drive by. So I had to take the train home. I thought about going back in to take the train home with Qui, but I didn't know if he was going anywhere afterwards and I really didn't want to see everybody's faces again so I just went home.
Is it weird that I forget all my problems at home (as long as my dad doesn't start any argumentative conversations with me)? I ate some food and watched Law and Order: SVU. I felt almost happy. Hmmm. Maybe it's just the whole school environment....
Anywho, I have to go study and do other work. A lot of stuff planned for the next two days... And my mom. She scared me this morning. Her arthritis is getting worse... Ttyl.
Xtina<3
P.S. I didn't talk to Cwong at the game... and she didn't talk to me. That makes me REALLY sad :'(
What happened?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Darkness in the Valley
I have all this pent frustration growing inside of me. I hate it. And I can't shake this chapfallen feeling of mine. I really miss my brother and my bestie. I talked to Malcolm on the phone yesterday for about an hour. That was probably the happiest I've been all week. Right next to that afternoon I spent with Vthong, of course :)
But within the following hour of our conversation, those good feelings all went away. Like my status said, I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day... sighhh.
So in an attempt to tighten my retainers, my mom messed up my bottom one. And it doesn't fit anymore. And we can't do anything about it because she refuses to go back to my orthdontist because they gyped her outta a lot of money. So I'm just gonna wear the top ones I guess. I mean, the whole reason I got braces was for my gap. As long as I wear the top retainers nothing will happen, right?
And my sister just came for a visit. She can be very annoying. She kept saying that I should be doing resumes and stuff. Like, my god! Can I at least take the SATs first?!
Then there's the renovation my mom is doing in Malcolm's room. And my guinea pigs are now shacking in my room. And I don't have bedding to clean the cage. And I have to keep the window open even in the freezing temperatures of the night because the cage smells so much. And I have to take the stupid AP English test. That class was the worst decision of my high school career. And I know I got an F for Chemistry this term. And my dad keeps hinting how I'm going to have to go to summer school or repeat the grade. I mean, really? Nice to know how much faith you have in me. Coming from the person who taught me himself. Does he think he raised an idiot? And there's just so much out of whack in this house and in my head. I don't know how I keep up with it all. There's so much I still haven't done. There's so much more to do. Volunteering, getting a job. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years doing absolutely nothing. I come home and find myself at 11 o'clock having done absolutely nothing. And I hate myself for not living up to my full potential. To all the goals I set for myself and my family. And I feel like bursting into tears but I can't. The most I can get is a tear to slide down my cheek. I mean, yes there are matters much worse than mine. There are so many more hardships. So it's probably good that I've kept it together for so long. But one of these days there will come along something that will completely flip over my boat. I'm waiting for the day when I'll fully bawl my eyes out. It could come anytime, unexpected. So I should live my days to the fullest. I should really take my own advice.
But I still can't get past this mountain of unhappiness. I'm waiting for something to happen to cheer me up. But maybe I should get up myself and start taking strides. I'm the one who's keeping myself in such a crestfallen mood. I have the ability to create happiness for myself. So why aren't I doing it?
So this is my little rant. My little diary entry of sorts. You've gotten a glance of the true me. The me that I hold back from everyone else. The me that few people know. The me that I try to mask with a smile. But my mask is fading and sooner or later I'll have to face my problems and myself. Sooner or later I'll have to grow up, with or without Malcolm and/or my bestie.
Right now, I think the only thing that would make me even a smidge bit happier would be to talk to Twinn again or to make sure Ninja (and Twinn) are truly happy and well. Whatever I can do just to see them be themselves again...
Phew, that was a lot. I never thought my life was very interesting, but now I see that I have just as much drama as any other teen. The difference is that I don't broadcast it, I keep it inside in denial of the truth... Okie doke. Now time for homework. Later.
Xtina. Cjoe. Kandi. Monkee. Twinn <3
Jifly and jifmy.
But within the following hour of our conversation, those good feelings all went away. Like my status said, I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day... sighhh.
So in an attempt to tighten my retainers, my mom messed up my bottom one. And it doesn't fit anymore. And we can't do anything about it because she refuses to go back to my orthdontist because they gyped her outta a lot of money. So I'm just gonna wear the top ones I guess. I mean, the whole reason I got braces was for my gap. As long as I wear the top retainers nothing will happen, right?
And my sister just came for a visit. She can be very annoying. She kept saying that I should be doing resumes and stuff. Like, my god! Can I at least take the SATs first?!
Then there's the renovation my mom is doing in Malcolm's room. And my guinea pigs are now shacking in my room. And I don't have bedding to clean the cage. And I have to keep the window open even in the freezing temperatures of the night because the cage smells so much. And I have to take the stupid AP English test. That class was the worst decision of my high school career. And I know I got an F for Chemistry this term. And my dad keeps hinting how I'm going to have to go to summer school or repeat the grade. I mean, really? Nice to know how much faith you have in me. Coming from the person who taught me himself. Does he think he raised an idiot? And there's just so much out of whack in this house and in my head. I don't know how I keep up with it all. There's so much I still haven't done. There's so much more to do. Volunteering, getting a job. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years doing absolutely nothing. I come home and find myself at 11 o'clock having done absolutely nothing. And I hate myself for not living up to my full potential. To all the goals I set for myself and my family. And I feel like bursting into tears but I can't. The most I can get is a tear to slide down my cheek. I mean, yes there are matters much worse than mine. There are so many more hardships. So it's probably good that I've kept it together for so long. But one of these days there will come along something that will completely flip over my boat. I'm waiting for the day when I'll fully bawl my eyes out. It could come anytime, unexpected. So I should live my days to the fullest. I should really take my own advice.
But I still can't get past this mountain of unhappiness. I'm waiting for something to happen to cheer me up. But maybe I should get up myself and start taking strides. I'm the one who's keeping myself in such a crestfallen mood. I have the ability to create happiness for myself. So why aren't I doing it?
So this is my little rant. My little diary entry of sorts. You've gotten a glance of the true me. The me that I hold back from everyone else. The me that few people know. The me that I try to mask with a smile. But my mask is fading and sooner or later I'll have to face my problems and myself. Sooner or later I'll have to grow up, with or without Malcolm and/or my bestie.
Right now, I think the only thing that would make me even a smidge bit happier would be to talk to Twinn again or to make sure Ninja (and Twinn) are truly happy and well. Whatever I can do just to see them be themselves again...
Phew, that was a lot. I never thought my life was very interesting, but now I see that I have just as much drama as any other teen. The difference is that I don't broadcast it, I keep it inside in denial of the truth... Okie doke. Now time for homework. Later.
Xtina. Cjoe. Kandi. Monkee. Twinn <3
Jifly and jifmy.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Chapfallen.
So this week has been pretty much horrible. Sometime over the weekend, I started missing my best friend. (And yes, I realize that I still call her that even though we both realize that we aren't anymore.) She visited on Sunday to drop off a gift, a Jonas Brother's bag. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. (I just wish I had a decent enough gift to give her! It was her birthday that recently passed...) She is my best friend because she knows me. She knows my history (hell, she's been apart of it since the 2nd grade!). She knows my family. She knows my reactions. She knows my likes and dislikes (and even shares most of them). Sometimes I feel like she knows me far better than I even know myself... But she left. We went our separate ways (hopefully to return to each other again someday). And as she departed, she took a piece of me. I miss her soooooo much.
This week I realized that no matter how much time I spend with people from my school, no matter how nice they are, none of them will ever know me as well Blake does. I can't just start talking about my family because none of them will ever know them as well as Blake does. I can't just start talking about my crushes because I don't trust... many (not all) of them completely, without a doubt, as I did with Blake. (Yes, there are people that I trust there, but they are young. Or I don't want to worry them. And still, none of them know me as well as... you guessed it, Blake.)
But when I had major things on my mind, if not Blake, I knew that I could always go to Malcolm, my brother. He had definitely been there all my life. If not Blake, he absolutely knew me best of all. He understood me and helped me the best he could. After Blake and I split, he was there. In the middle of the night when I was still doing homework he would come home from work and ask me about my day. He would be concerned about my work, pay attention to it. He would persuade me to go to bed. He was my rock. But then he too left. He moved to Texas and although I can still talk to him on the phone or via email, it's not the same as face to face. He's not here to see what's happening and I can't call him everyday with my every concern, he's having a hard time managing down there on his own...
So that's what's been going on this past while. I lost the two people that know me best (other than my mother). And now I'm in my own way of completely opening up to people. When all the pressures started building I felt like I had no one to talk to (because if it's not Blake or Malcolm, I may as well not be talking at all, it won't help). It's my own fault. I can talk to others, but it just wouldn't feel right. And I miss my brother and my best friend so muchhhhh!
Sigh. That's what's been going on with me this past week. Honestly, there's so much in my mind that I can't make a coherent thought out of any of it. It's like a huge invisible weight...
Not only that, but Twinn's been concerning me. We don't talk much anymore and it makes me sad. She was one of the few people that I trusted at school. I still do trust her, but since... she doesn't say much to me. I know she's been thinking about it, but I can't pry open her thoughts. Especially the other day when I noticed something, but she wouldn't tell me about it. And it scared me a little because it reminded me of something else another person I trust did. I don't know. I'm confused and lacking sleep and behind in homework. And this is the end of my junior year. I;m going to college soon. I need to volunteer, get a job, and start saving up.
Oooowww... there goes that weight again.
But hey, the good part is that today at JV practice (because I missed the bus to go to the varsity game in Brighton), I had so much fun with Vthong. I laughed for the first time in a long time. She had me running around like I was a kid again. That high lasted all the way through the afternoon, all the way until about an hour after I uploaded the pictures (I think I said something to make Twinn upset D:). But anywho, I was happy. And I hope that stays with me through tomorrow because there's only one more day to this week. After that, sleep and relaxation and recouping (and a call to Malcolm). I thank Vthong dearly for spending time with me. She has no idea how much it turned my week around :)
Well since it's a bit too late to finish homework, I think I should take a shower and go to bed. Nighty night :)
P.S. To those who may be reading this, don't over think all of this. I just needed to get it off my chest. And if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to get inside my brain. I'll come talk to you when I'm ready. Until then, a simple "How was your day" will suffice.
P.S.S Oh yea. I forgot to talk my crushes.... Honestly, fiance (or rather ex-fiance because he broke up with me haha) makes me jealous sometimes. And I'm sure that sounds odd to you all, but it's true. He hangs out with a different girl every other day. Or even worse, the same girl. I get jealous and try to remind myself that we still have a great friendship lol. Then again, all of this jealousy won't last long. After he graduates and after this year, my major crushes will be gone. What will I ever do then? (Haha. I'll probably find someone else to like. Stupid crushes. They never end well...)
P.S.S. Alright, that's it. Good night :)
This week I realized that no matter how much time I spend with people from my school, no matter how nice they are, none of them will ever know me as well Blake does. I can't just start talking about my family because none of them will ever know them as well as Blake does. I can't just start talking about my crushes because I don't trust... many (not all) of them completely, without a doubt, as I did with Blake. (Yes, there are people that I trust there, but they are young. Or I don't want to worry them. And still, none of them know me as well as... you guessed it, Blake.)
But when I had major things on my mind, if not Blake, I knew that I could always go to Malcolm, my brother. He had definitely been there all my life. If not Blake, he absolutely knew me best of all. He understood me and helped me the best he could. After Blake and I split, he was there. In the middle of the night when I was still doing homework he would come home from work and ask me about my day. He would be concerned about my work, pay attention to it. He would persuade me to go to bed. He was my rock. But then he too left. He moved to Texas and although I can still talk to him on the phone or via email, it's not the same as face to face. He's not here to see what's happening and I can't call him everyday with my every concern, he's having a hard time managing down there on his own...
So that's what's been going on this past while. I lost the two people that know me best (other than my mother). And now I'm in my own way of completely opening up to people. When all the pressures started building I felt like I had no one to talk to (because if it's not Blake or Malcolm, I may as well not be talking at all, it won't help). It's my own fault. I can talk to others, but it just wouldn't feel right. And I miss my brother and my best friend so muchhhhh!
Sigh. That's what's been going on with me this past week. Honestly, there's so much in my mind that I can't make a coherent thought out of any of it. It's like a huge invisible weight...
Not only that, but Twinn's been concerning me. We don't talk much anymore and it makes me sad. She was one of the few people that I trusted at school. I still do trust her, but since... she doesn't say much to me. I know she's been thinking about it, but I can't pry open her thoughts. Especially the other day when I noticed something, but she wouldn't tell me about it. And it scared me a little because it reminded me of something else another person I trust did. I don't know. I'm confused and lacking sleep and behind in homework. And this is the end of my junior year. I;m going to college soon. I need to volunteer, get a job, and start saving up.
Oooowww... there goes that weight again.
But hey, the good part is that today at JV practice (because I missed the bus to go to the varsity game in Brighton), I had so much fun with Vthong. I laughed for the first time in a long time. She had me running around like I was a kid again. That high lasted all the way through the afternoon, all the way until about an hour after I uploaded the pictures (I think I said something to make Twinn upset D:). But anywho, I was happy. And I hope that stays with me through tomorrow because there's only one more day to this week. After that, sleep and relaxation and recouping (and a call to Malcolm). I thank Vthong dearly for spending time with me. She has no idea how much it turned my week around :)
Well since it's a bit too late to finish homework, I think I should take a shower and go to bed. Nighty night :)
P.S. To those who may be reading this, don't over think all of this. I just needed to get it off my chest. And if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to get inside my brain. I'll come talk to you when I'm ready. Until then, a simple "How was your day" will suffice.
P.S.S Oh yea. I forgot to talk my crushes.... Honestly, fiance (or rather ex-fiance because he broke up with me haha) makes me jealous sometimes. And I'm sure that sounds odd to you all, but it's true. He hangs out with a different girl every other day. Or even worse, the same girl. I get jealous and try to remind myself that we still have a great friendship lol. Then again, all of this jealousy won't last long. After he graduates and after this year, my major crushes will be gone. What will I ever do then? (Haha. I'll probably find someone else to like. Stupid crushes. They never end well...)
P.S.S. Alright, that's it. Good night :)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Kill The Messenger
"Oh my God, this hurts like hell..."
Hahah. The opening lines of the song Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. I discovered them again a couple weeks ago and I've been all over them since. I love their songs! :D
But yea. I saw his name on my feedback when I logged on Facebook and those feelings came rushing back again. Sigh. It feels like I'm never going to get over him. I'm sure I will (I mean, I got over all the others, right?), but it's so hard. I have to see him all the time (which I sort of don't mind because he is very good looking lol), but I have to see him with other girls. I have to see him talking about his girls. I have to see him with Jenny.
Malcolm saw my last poem, It Had To Be You. I read over it and at first I couldn't believe that I could really be in such an emo mood, but right about now I completely understand... I understand my own feelings again haha. I sound so crazy. That's what boys do to you girls, stay away from them lol. It's impossible to stay away from them so I won't even try. I'm just going to have to learn and live... and eventually love.
Speaking of, there's something wrong with Twinn. I suspect it has something to do with Ninja because the word love is in like every other status update, but I guess I'll just wait until she says something to me. It's really none of my business.
I've been in this house for the past like 5 days sitting on the couch watching Heroes. By the way, it's not that great. I'm still debating on whether I should continue to watch the second season or not though lol. Anywho, I really need to get out of this house. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. I need fresh air. I need to get my stuff together...
What else... Well, I made a list of things to do for this week. I just hope I get them done.
I need an adventure. I need a change. Give me excitement! Give me fun! Give me... something to look forward to. Scratch that. Remind me of my future, my possibilities. I'm seventeen! I feel as though I should be doing so much more... UGHHHHH! I'm going to lose it if I stay in this house another day!
Oh yea! P.S. I made some strawberry banana pancakes this afternoon. Oh my goodness, they looked amazing! And they didn't taste that bad either haha. Well, that's all. There's not much I can talk about if I've done nothing. So I'll write again when I finally get out of this house.
Love, Monkee<3
Hahah. The opening lines of the song Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. I discovered them again a couple weeks ago and I've been all over them since. I love their songs! :D
But yea. I saw his name on my feedback when I logged on Facebook and those feelings came rushing back again. Sigh. It feels like I'm never going to get over him. I'm sure I will (I mean, I got over all the others, right?), but it's so hard. I have to see him all the time (which I sort of don't mind because he is very good looking lol), but I have to see him with other girls. I have to see him talking about his girls. I have to see him with Jenny.
Malcolm saw my last poem, It Had To Be You. I read over it and at first I couldn't believe that I could really be in such an emo mood, but right about now I completely understand... I understand my own feelings again haha. I sound so crazy. That's what boys do to you girls, stay away from them lol. It's impossible to stay away from them so I won't even try. I'm just going to have to learn and live... and eventually love.
Speaking of, there's something wrong with Twinn. I suspect it has something to do with Ninja because the word love is in like every other status update, but I guess I'll just wait until she says something to me. It's really none of my business.
I've been in this house for the past like 5 days sitting on the couch watching Heroes. By the way, it's not that great. I'm still debating on whether I should continue to watch the second season or not though lol. Anywho, I really need to get out of this house. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. I need fresh air. I need to get my stuff together...
What else... Well, I made a list of things to do for this week. I just hope I get them done.
I need an adventure. I need a change. Give me excitement! Give me fun! Give me... something to look forward to. Scratch that. Remind me of my future, my possibilities. I'm seventeen! I feel as though I should be doing so much more... UGHHHHH! I'm going to lose it if I stay in this house another day!
Oh yea! P.S. I made some strawberry banana pancakes this afternoon. Oh my goodness, they looked amazing! And they didn't taste that bad either haha. Well, that's all. There's not much I can talk about if I've done nothing. So I'll write again when I finally get out of this house.
Love, Monkee<3
Saturday, April 17, 2010
B-I-T-C-H
Tonight's topic is jealousy guys lol. But an overview of yesterday first.
Yesterday I went to the guys' home game against Brighton. I wasn't in that great a mood so I grabbed my coat and my umbrella and headed for the door to go for a walk, but one of the refs stopped me and asked if I would do line judge. Sighhhh. I didn't want to, but no body else would so I said yes. I had a bad experience with being line judge before. In the intensity of the game, somehow I crack under the pressure if the call is up to me. I did before and I swear throughout the rest of the game I felt everyone's eyes filled with hate just trying to burn holes in me.
But anywho, this time it wasn't that bad. The ref was really nice. She kept telling me that I was beautiful and how I could/should be a model and how I should do Bay States (which I was planning on applying for anyway) and how I could go far because "you can't teach tall" (Thomas was the first to tell me that!) :D
Before leaving, I gave her my information to keep in contact. Dang, she really boosted my confidence :)
Then stuff happened and I took the train alone only to ride the bus home with my dad.The moral of the story is that I feel great now. Oh, what just a few kind words can do...
Yadda yadda yadda. Now back to the main topic. Today I was invited to two parties. One was Amy's, a friend of Vtang's. I've met her a few times, but I still don't really know her that well. I could've gone to Fire and Ice to celebrate her birthday, but I didn't. Then the other was Jenny's, a teammate (this is the first time I'm actually using her name). Her birthday was last week, but her house party got cancelled last weekend so she was gonna have one today and I was invited. I like Jenny, she's cool. I respect her lots, but being completely honest, I was having doubts about going. I would've gone to build a better relationship with her, to get to know her better. I would've gone to see Goofy and other friends... But then again I didn't want to go because I'm jealous of Jenny, just kinda slightly less than half of a lot. Honestly. The guy I like(d) fell for her instead of me. She's strictly AWESOME at volleyball. She gets the grades. She has loads of friends. She is Jenny.
Then again, I think about it and I'm glad I'm not her. How else am I supposed to learn? Haha. Idk, jealousy sure can be a bitch. I'm not even sure if it is jealousy that I'm feeling. Maybe it's just a really high respect? Who knows.
And then again, I also would've felt awkward going to the party because of a few of Jenny's friends. The girls. You know those girls that you see that are just SO BEATIFUL? And you expect them to be bitches and snobs, right? But from what I can see, these girls aren't... I think.
Yea. Well, I'm just glad that ref boosted my confidence the other day. It helps majorly right about now (funk soul rubber lol). Ummmm, I think that's all I wanted to say. Oh! And this morning two songs were stuck in my head: Today Was A Fairytale and Need You Now. They are so beautiful! Hahah, that seems to be the word of the night. Alright, well it's time for me to read and sleep. Blog you soon lovelies! Jifly! :)
Yesterday I went to the guys' home game against Brighton. I wasn't in that great a mood so I grabbed my coat and my umbrella and headed for the door to go for a walk, but one of the refs stopped me and asked if I would do line judge. Sighhhh. I didn't want to, but no body else would so I said yes. I had a bad experience with being line judge before. In the intensity of the game, somehow I crack under the pressure if the call is up to me. I did before and I swear throughout the rest of the game I felt everyone's eyes filled with hate just trying to burn holes in me.
But anywho, this time it wasn't that bad. The ref was really nice. She kept telling me that I was beautiful and how I could/should be a model and how I should do Bay States (which I was planning on applying for anyway) and how I could go far because "you can't teach tall" (Thomas was the first to tell me that!) :D
Before leaving, I gave her my information to keep in contact. Dang, she really boosted my confidence :)
Then stuff happened and I took the train alone only to ride the bus home with my dad.The moral of the story is that I feel great now. Oh, what just a few kind words can do...
Yadda yadda yadda. Now back to the main topic. Today I was invited to two parties. One was Amy's, a friend of Vtang's. I've met her a few times, but I still don't really know her that well. I could've gone to Fire and Ice to celebrate her birthday, but I didn't. Then the other was Jenny's, a teammate (this is the first time I'm actually using her name). Her birthday was last week, but her house party got cancelled last weekend so she was gonna have one today and I was invited. I like Jenny, she's cool. I respect her lots, but being completely honest, I was having doubts about going. I would've gone to build a better relationship with her, to get to know her better. I would've gone to see Goofy and other friends... But then again I didn't want to go because I'm jealous of Jenny, just kinda slightly less than half of a lot. Honestly. The guy I like(d) fell for her instead of me. She's strictly AWESOME at volleyball. She gets the grades. She has loads of friends. She is Jenny.
Then again, I think about it and I'm glad I'm not her. How else am I supposed to learn? Haha. Idk, jealousy sure can be a bitch. I'm not even sure if it is jealousy that I'm feeling. Maybe it's just a really high respect? Who knows.
And then again, I also would've felt awkward going to the party because of a few of Jenny's friends. The girls. You know those girls that you see that are just SO BEATIFUL? And you expect them to be bitches and snobs, right? But from what I can see, these girls aren't... I think.
Yea. Well, I'm just glad that ref boosted my confidence the other day. It helps majorly right about now (funk soul rubber lol). Ummmm, I think that's all I wanted to say. Oh! And this morning two songs were stuck in my head: Today Was A Fairytale and Need You Now. They are so beautiful! Hahah, that seems to be the word of the night. Alright, well it's time for me to read and sleep. Blog you soon lovelies! Jifly! :)
Woah No
Crazy how time flies by so fast. I haven't blogged in like 3 weeks guys... and April vacation is finally here so I guess now is as good a time as any to update :)
So much went on that if I went into detail about each one, I'd end up writing a book. So I'm just going to list the things I remember, I guess. Here we go.
*I accidentally deleted a blog that I was typing in a note on my iPhone >:(
*Good Friday I actually went to church! *gasp!shock*
*Ms. Moore, a science teacher from school, passed away... Then Mr. Huie's dad passed away. He didn't come to school for a week :(
*My cutie/bandit Thorton showed me that if I like someone, I should just go for it and ask them out on a date lol. Then I realized that if I did that with any of the guys I currently like/have an interest in, it either wouldn't work or would end horribly.
*I saw Dirty Dancing for the first time. It made me want to learn how to seriously dance. And now I love that song even more!
*The Script is on KISS 108 now! Great for them! But now I don't listen to KISS anymore lol. Most of the songs I hear are crap so I listen to Magic 106.7 instead :)
*I talked to Frank-o-bean on the phone again. I miss our hour long convos :) He reminded me that he's graduating soon and I thought about how much I'm gonna miss him and all the other seniors... so sad :'(
*Oh yea. And I realized something else about him. He's around a different girl like every time I see him haha. Which shouldn't bother me at all, but if you know our history, you'd understand why it irks me often.
*I wish Bluprint Cru had won ABDC. Poreotics (however you spell it) is fun and all that, but seriously, all they do is "tick-tick-tick-tick-tick" haha. The charit episode was so cool. I absolutely FELL IN LOVE with Jabawockees! 8D
*Harvard Square is such a cool place to explore. First I went there with Quistina (lol! came up with that on the spot) and both my fiances. Then I went there a second time with just Ninja. Crazy night, crazy people... o_o
*Frank-o-bean taught me an important lesson about self-esteem. I'll never forget it. It's just that some of my friends can't name one good thing about themselves and it saddens me because I can think of at least 20 each!
*Malcolm in Texas. We talked on the phone and he cheered me up a bunch. I gotta get more focused on my schoolwork >:O
*Blakey's aunt passed away also :( She's been through SO MUCH in her life. I just wish that I could stand by her side to help, but idk. Time separated us. She's doing her own thing now, but one day, we'll be together again... I hope. I won't let her go.
*I had a viral infection (NOT mono) all last weekend and a little bit into this week. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I was tired and weak all the time. I had headaches and a fever and a sore throat and back pain. UGH. But I'm better now. Although I do seem to be seeing a bit more blood than usual... let's hope I don't have anemia like my mom is making me believe. She's always saying the worst that can happen...
Damn. So many deaths. Isn't this spring? This is supposed to be the time of birth and renewal and happiness and all that crap. But it's seems like the opposite. I don't know. All these deaths and somehow the world keeps spinning, life keeps going. But though sometimes you may feel like bawling in tears or crawling to your room and hiding from the world, you've got to be brave. Take some time and learn to let it be. Because you've got to keep going with the world too.
And that's my final thought of the morning. Have a good day all :)
So much went on that if I went into detail about each one, I'd end up writing a book. So I'm just going to list the things I remember, I guess. Here we go.
*I accidentally deleted a blog that I was typing in a note on my iPhone >:(
*Good Friday I actually went to church! *gasp!shock*
*Ms. Moore, a science teacher from school, passed away... Then Mr. Huie's dad passed away. He didn't come to school for a week :(
*My cutie/bandit Thorton showed me that if I like someone, I should just go for it and ask them out on a date lol. Then I realized that if I did that with any of the guys I currently like/have an interest in, it either wouldn't work or would end horribly.
*I saw Dirty Dancing for the first time. It made me want to learn how to seriously dance. And now I love that song even more!
*The Script is on KISS 108 now! Great for them! But now I don't listen to KISS anymore lol. Most of the songs I hear are crap so I listen to Magic 106.7 instead :)
*I talked to Frank-o-bean on the phone again. I miss our hour long convos :) He reminded me that he's graduating soon and I thought about how much I'm gonna miss him and all the other seniors... so sad :'(
*Oh yea. And I realized something else about him. He's around a different girl like every time I see him haha. Which shouldn't bother me at all, but if you know our history, you'd understand why it irks me often.
*I wish Bluprint Cru had won ABDC. Poreotics (however you spell it) is fun and all that, but seriously, all they do is "tick-tick-tick-tick-tick" haha. The charit episode was so cool. I absolutely FELL IN LOVE with Jabawockees! 8D
*Harvard Square is such a cool place to explore. First I went there with Quistina (lol! came up with that on the spot) and both my fiances. Then I went there a second time with just Ninja. Crazy night, crazy people... o_o
*Frank-o-bean taught me an important lesson about self-esteem. I'll never forget it. It's just that some of my friends can't name one good thing about themselves and it saddens me because I can think of at least 20 each!
*Malcolm in Texas. We talked on the phone and he cheered me up a bunch. I gotta get more focused on my schoolwork >:O
*Blakey's aunt passed away also :( She's been through SO MUCH in her life. I just wish that I could stand by her side to help, but idk. Time separated us. She's doing her own thing now, but one day, we'll be together again... I hope. I won't let her go.
*I had a viral infection (NOT mono) all last weekend and a little bit into this week. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I was tired and weak all the time. I had headaches and a fever and a sore throat and back pain. UGH. But I'm better now. Although I do seem to be seeing a bit more blood than usual... let's hope I don't have anemia like my mom is making me believe. She's always saying the worst that can happen...
Damn. So many deaths. Isn't this spring? This is supposed to be the time of birth and renewal and happiness and all that crap. But it's seems like the opposite. I don't know. All these deaths and somehow the world keeps spinning, life keeps going. But though sometimes you may feel like bawling in tears or crawling to your room and hiding from the world, you've got to be brave. Take some time and learn to let it be. Because you've got to keep going with the world too.
And that's my final thought of the morning. Have a good day all :)
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