Jordana Sheara Photography

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JUST FRIENDS

Why is it so hard for me to be just friends with a guy? For as long as I can remember I've never been able to just be friends with a guy. Even in elementary school. Shannon? The first guy ever to tell me that he liked me? That was in the fourth grade. And I can remember chasing him around just because I liked him back in the 2nd grade. I was never really just friends with him.

By now, my second year in college, you'd think that I'd at least have some sort of relationship with a guy (romantic or not), but no. Well... yes. There was Frank. But I liked him. And told him eventually. But it worked out. We're still friends now. Other than that though he's been my only close guy friend. Being completely honest, I've had some sort of feelings towards all my other male friends - the ones who I thought were attractive, at least. The not-so-attractive ones I've always tried to avoid one-on-one contact with because I felt like they liked me, and I didn't want to.. lead them on. Sigh, I know that sounds really bad (believe me, I don't think I'm any sort of hot shit or anything..), but there's no other way I can try to explain my strange thought process. Don't judge me.

So anyway, here in college where I have a lot more interaction with the opposite sex I find it... difficult. Well, I'm definitely getting better (yay for me going through this whole "growing up" thing in college!), but when it comes to someone I'm actually really attracted to like *coughJaycough* it gets really complicated.
I've come to a point where I realized that it's just better that we stay friends. I'm going through this phase where I convince myself that it wouldn't work out between us anyway (the same thing I usually do before meeting any other guy..). And it's working, ever so slowly. The fact that I don't see him as often helps too. I wish I could just "lose" his number.. haha.

But tonight I finally got the chance to sit down and talk to him one-on-one. It was nice, just two friends catching up. Then he brought up a very interesting topic. He was on Facebook and his sister posted a status about nice guys. How she feels like crap because she's talking to this nice guy, but she's disappointed to see him treat all other girls he interacts with the same way. It doesn't make her feel as special anymore. Which is something I totally get, but he was confused by it. He asked for my opinion on it.

So I told him, "It's funny that you mention that. Because you make me feel the same way."

...

Did you believe me? Yeah, no. I would never say something that bold. I told him that I could see how she feels (I really, really, reaaaally do... -_- ) but I could also see where he, the nice guy, is coming from. I said that it was a shame that all guys weren't simply nice. If that were a standard, there wouldn't be any problem, there wouldn't be any more confusion.

I'm writing about this because I found it extremely ironic how he mentioned that tonight of all nights talking to me. Why me? That comment poked a hole in my neatly sealed box of feelings. Now I have to wrap it up again and convince myself, yet again, that we are just friends. I must not expect anything more. I must prepare myself for heartbreak before anything happens (namely, before he starts "hanging out" with another girl). Just Friends. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but it'll just have to do.

Every single time I fall at the wrong time...

Other than that though I was forced to watch part of Insidious. I won't ever say it aloud, but it freaked me out so much that it made me cry. Never again... And I'm finally out of the Biology major. It feels like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders.. I'm starting to see a counselor here on campus. I hope they can help me figure out my life. If not, at least I'll have someone I know I can always talk to when I can't turn to anyone else. I got a 90 on my Macroeconomics exam tonight. WOOO! Oh, and I think I'm starting to resent Honey Bee. When I see her updates on Facebook I get the strong urge to just.. delete her from everything. My Facebook, my phone, ..my memories... I think I need to work on being content with my life more. I need to accept the past, live in the moment, and look towards a bright, happy future. That's the life I want. I'm just having trouble getting there :(

Is happiness too much to ask for?

Btw I went to a poetry slam earlier this week and Dan Castillo's poems are amazing. Listen to his poem "Letter to St. Thomas the Apostle" on his website here. If you don't like that one, check out his other ones. I'm positive there's something there everyone can relate to in some way. I emailed him the next day and he replied with kind words. He just seemed so happy and content with his life on that stage. Is it so wrong to want that kind of life?

I think I have a solution. It may be time to try to start up meditating again. The first time everything just... fell through. Let's see how this goes...

I Want This

With this.

And some moments like this.

Or just this. That'd be fine too...
Or Harry Shum Jr., why you soo sexay?
;)

The Pros and Cons of Single Life

Created by 50shadesoftayy. Check out her blog.

Pros:

• you don’t have to think for two
• you have free time 24/7
• you’re not exactly tied down to anyone
• MONEY SAVED.
• not having to remember anniversaries, birthdays, all other couple related dates.
• not being pressured to have sex (although no one should pressure you, you should wait until you’re ready/comfortable with your mate.)
• arguments.
• get to know yourself better.
• get to expand your social circle, without someone getting jealous.

Cons:

• SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.
• when those times you’re lonely, and you don’t feel like just calling someone up just to chill. You want someone who genuinely wants you and misses you.
• doing those sick-mushy couple stuff with.
• dates. and getting all dressed up and excited to be spending time with them.
• talking about your future and what you want to accomplish with that person.
• hearing love songs and instantly thinking about that one person.
• knowing that someone wants YOU. and ONLY YOU. NOBODY ELSE. JUST YOU.
• always someone to talk too, and giving/receiving advice to better that person.
• someone to encourage you when you’re down and depressed.
• getting excited about the future with that person.

That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell for me, though I've never been in an actual relationship before so I can't really say much else.

Marley Quote

The Peace of Wild Things

I sort of went on a little online shopping spree tonight... But it's for a good cause! Music keeps me happy - or at least sane, even in the worse of moods. I ordered a physical copy of this CD and I absolutely can't wait to hold it in my hands and listen to its magic that first time I put it in the CD player. I love Paper Route's music. I am sooooo excited.

Great way to end the night, I'd say. 
♥