So today I woke up at noon lol. But that's only because last night I went to bed at like 3. I was watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. It was okay, but afterwards I realized that it was pretty much like every other teen romance movie (except with grownups). So cliche! Yeah so I woke up and had a bagel and went online. I was asking fiancée if she was still sore because I wanted to pass with her at the Y. Unfortunately, that ended in her getting mad at me. Oh well. She's so freaking emotional! Sometimes it's a wonder how we get along. Ninja figured it out today though and it sort of makes sense...
Anywho. I went to BCNC and saw Twinn at practice n_n
And Tingtong was there which I wasn't expecting. Yeaaaaaa so Ninja and I passed a bit and like none of my serves went over, but that's okay. At four people were goin their separate ways. I was in the mood for a smoothie AND I was just a tad bit upset (for a reason that I can't even explain right now) so I walked all he way to Borders for a CremeKula. Let this be a reminder not to get orange mango flavor ever again. Bleck. I got back to BCNC at like 4:40 and no one was in the gym. So I left even though I saw Tingtong on my way out (I was a tad bit annoyed...again). I got home, watched some tv, then went over to my cousin's house for a gang game night. We never really played games, but we had lots of laughs thanks to Rachel. Then I came home and watched Precious online. It is a really sad movie, but I didn't cry like I thought I would. The plot is just really shocking, that's all.
Oh! Haha. I was just about to end the blog, but I forgot to reference it to the title. So on my way to Borders and back I realized that there were A LOT of smokers in Boston. Jeez. Every other step I took I was breathing in smoke, smh. I'll never pollute the air or others' lungs like that. I treat my body like a pyramid (sounds cheesy, but it's true). I refuse to ruin it with alcohol or Mary Jane or any other drug. It's stupid and useless!
Other things... I was thinking a lot about fiancé today. This always happens. There has only been one guy in my life to tell me he seriously liked me (I've written about it before). I haven't had any boyfriends in my time, not even close so when I realize that a guy likes me or that they are flirting with me, I tend to doubt. Myself, them, everything. I try to figure out their hidden motives because surely they couldn't like me like that. So pretty much I've been overthinking everything and doubting myself (which isn't helping my self-esteem) and trying to figure out if it really was flirting or even if it was real! Lol. Ugh. Guys. They eff with my brain!!! But in the end of the day I still can't help butwant to talk to fiancé or just be with him. Weird how once I think a guy likes me, I'm attracted to him. It's even worse this time because I already used to have a crush on him. Damn I got it bad lol.
So I'm not really tired (eventhough it's like 4 in the morning--how am I gonna get all my homework sone tomorrow?) and I got guys on the brain. I think I'm gonna write a poem. Because, like I said, the only poems I know how to write about are love and heartbreak...
Anywho, nighty night losers :) <3
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
What Just Happened?
So today was very interesting. I'm not gonna say much about school except that we had a meeting about choosing our electives for next year. Being a BZ I only get 2 choices. I know I want to take Biology 2 (definitely not AP Biology, I've heard bad things). It'll prepare me for my dream job, a researcher in medicine. But then Mr. Maguire also convinced me that taking another year of Latin would also be great for my transcipt. And then I want to take another year of French. But then again I'm still debating on whether or not I should take Art. I mean, I love art, but freshman year when I took it Mr. Moy was a creep and a pain and he made me hate art. I don't know if I want to deal with that all over again, especially in such a stressful year such as senior year. Do I really wanna take an extra class just so I can stress myself out more? Oh yeah. I just remembered. At the end of the year, Mr. Moy made us fill out these year evaluation forms. And on mine I wrote that he made me hate art. I tried to leave right after giving it to him, but he held me up, read it, and asked me if it was true... AWKWARD!!!! Oh well, I'll make a decision sooner or later...
So. Afterschool I went to the volleyball game (both teams won! whoooo!) :D And I passed for a bit when I first got there. That was fun. Then I went to Crown Fried Chicken with fiancée. And we got back just as the varsity game was first starting. I sat down on the top bleacher and fiancé sat next to me. And though I was starving when I first got to the gym, I wasn't that hungry anymore so I didn't mind sharing any of my food. First he said randomly that it would be weird (I forget the word he used, I thought it was awkward but it wasn't) if he were to marry me, like for real. Lol and I thought it was just so odd that that thought came to his mind right after he sat down next to me. Odd but cute :)
Then he started feeding me fries. And our legs were touching and he was nudging me with his knee. And a couple times he put his hand on my leg. And he came to stand by me and he sorta lay his head on my chest for a moment. It was all very... interesting. He's NEVER acted like this before with me. It's strange, but again, cute (if that's the right word I'm thinking of). When i got home I had the hugest urge to facemail him and ask him wat was up. What made him act so differently, but them again I'm not sure if I want to or should bring it up. Hmmmmm.... Decisions decisions.
I mean I had a crush on him, I admitted it. And I do still have feelings for him, yes. But I know that we weren't meant to be. What's the use in participating in all this flirting if nothing happens as a result? I don't want to fall for him all over again just to get crushed when I find out that all of this was for nothing or that he never really felt the same way about me. I just don't want to go through that pain again. I don't know what's going to happen... I just hope I don't lose our great relationship :) *blush*
Blog you later. JIFLY<3
Run. Jump. Explore. Discover. Laugh. Howl. Grow. Love to live and live to love.
So. Afterschool I went to the volleyball game (both teams won! whoooo!) :D And I passed for a bit when I first got there. That was fun. Then I went to Crown Fried Chicken with fiancée. And we got back just as the varsity game was first starting. I sat down on the top bleacher and fiancé sat next to me. And though I was starving when I first got to the gym, I wasn't that hungry anymore so I didn't mind sharing any of my food. First he said randomly that it would be weird (I forget the word he used, I thought it was awkward but it wasn't) if he were to marry me, like for real. Lol and I thought it was just so odd that that thought came to his mind right after he sat down next to me. Odd but cute :)
Then he started feeding me fries. And our legs were touching and he was nudging me with his knee. And a couple times he put his hand on my leg. And he came to stand by me and he sorta lay his head on my chest for a moment. It was all very... interesting. He's NEVER acted like this before with me. It's strange, but again, cute (if that's the right word I'm thinking of). When i got home I had the hugest urge to facemail him and ask him wat was up. What made him act so differently, but them again I'm not sure if I want to or should bring it up. Hmmmmm.... Decisions decisions.
I mean I had a crush on him, I admitted it. And I do still have feelings for him, yes. But I know that we weren't meant to be. What's the use in participating in all this flirting if nothing happens as a result? I don't want to fall for him all over again just to get crushed when I find out that all of this was for nothing or that he never really felt the same way about me. I just don't want to go through that pain again. I don't know what's going to happen... I just hope I don't lose our great relationship :) *blush*
Blog you later. JIFLY<3
Run. Jump. Explore. Discover. Laugh. Howl. Grow. Love to live and live to love.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
It Had To Be You
I don't want to deal with it anymore!
Just rip my heart out.
I don't want to be jealous,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to keep liking you.
Take away these feelings and let me live in peace.
It was never meant to be
so why won't my thoughts cease?
Because my heart and my head fight a constant battle.
One minute Mind is in control
and I'm able to thinking logically, clearly,
with no distractions.
Then the next Heart comes attacking strong,
crushing me with unwanted thoughts.
My brain will never stop fighting
and in some recess I remember the reality of it all,
how I fall for you, but you keep going,
how I'm stuck here not able to move on.
My heart and my brain fight against each other,
but they work together to bring me down.
Under the weight of these constant thoughts
I am pushed closer to the edge.
I start to hate myself
for not being the girl you want
and for not walking away when I first realized I wasn't.
It's irrational, but these feelings are true.
Somehow it just had to be you.
You've been through this before, you know the pain,
So spare a bruised soul and take my burden away.
Help me stop liking you.
Just rip my heart out.
I don't want to be jealous,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to keep liking you.
Take away these feelings and let me live in peace.
It was never meant to be
so why won't my thoughts cease?
Because my heart and my head fight a constant battle.
One minute Mind is in control
and I'm able to thinking logically, clearly,
with no distractions.
Then the next Heart comes attacking strong,
crushing me with unwanted thoughts.
My brain will never stop fighting
and in some recess I remember the reality of it all,
how I fall for you, but you keep going,
how I'm stuck here not able to move on.
My heart and my brain fight against each other,
but they work together to bring me down.
Under the weight of these constant thoughts
I am pushed closer to the edge.
I start to hate myself
for not being the girl you want
and for not walking away when I first realized I wasn't.
It's irrational, but these feelings are true.
Somehow it just had to be you.
You've been through this before, you know the pain,
So spare a bruised soul and take my burden away.
Help me stop liking you.
Rollercoaster Ride
I'm gonna try to keep this short because I just feel like there's so much to talk about... and I don't have the patience to sit here and type everything up lol.
Okay. So this past week has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Stupid moody teenage years haha. There are two main issues right now.
1) Sleep. Since the weekend, I haven't been getting good sleep. Like, my sleep schedule is COMPLETELY EFFED UP! I stayed up late Sunday night trying to finish homework. And I did the same Monday night. And then Tuesday I came hoem and just fell asleep. My mom didn't wake me up until 10:30. You;d think my parents would wake me up right when they got home... smh. Then last night I seriously tried to finish all my hw... but it ended up with me waking up at 11 AM still in my bed -_-
When I called my mom she said that she woke up at 8, saw me sleeping and said "Aren't you going to school?" Yeah. Like that's supposed to wake me up. Now when my dad gets home I'm going to have to tell him what happened and I'm going to get in BIG trouble. The only thing he told me yesterday was "Make sure you get up on time and go to school". I couldn't even do that. He might not let me go to volleyball anymore D:
I hope my sleeping schedule gets fixed soon. I'm tired of staying up all night and sneaking around and waking up late and asking for rides to school and being really tired in school and most of all, getting in trouble...
2) Guys. My goodness. My emotions have been all over the place. Because Malcolm moved on Sunday (and because I barely got any work done), I wanted to take the day off on Monday, but my Dad said no because "It's better to not have done work, but still learn a lesson in class than to skip school and miss everything completely". I guess it's true, but still, I was pissed off. And it really showed in school. I was in a horrible mood. And in my anger I ignored my fiance. So all that week I felt bad because of that. I thought he was mad at me, but it turns out it was all just one big miscommunication. He didn't even realize I was ignoring him. So I was feeling crappy because of that.
But more recently, halfway through practice yesterday I started getting upset. I think it started with ____. She's one of the prettiest girls in my grade. She stopped by to talk to ____ and the longer she stayed the worse I felt. It's a long explanation I don't want to go into, but basically, I used to be confident about myself. I used to love myself fully or at least like most of my features, but now I can't help but hate myself for not being the girl that my crushes like(d). And I hate how I know they don't feel the same way about me, but I still like them anyway. I just want to let all my feelings for them go. It really bothered me one night so I wrote a poem about it on Facebook. I think I'll post it here so you can better understand how I feel.
That's it. Those are the big two.
Other updates... Term four started last Monday. And it didn't start too good for me. Like I've said before, I don't think I'm doing well academically. Though I was shocked when I saw all A's and B's (except for chemistry... of course) on my report card, I'm not pleased with my actual performance in and out of class. But I think I'll stop talking about school for a bit. Though it is a major part if my life right now, what I say about it won't change until I change and form better time management skills. And I'm working on that now so I'll let you know what happens...
What else? Well, since the last poem I posted, I've thought of a few great ideas for poems. And I can't wait to sit down and actually form them. It takes time and thought, just like when I'm drawing a picture. Speaking of, I really want to get back into art. There are so many things I'm interested in, I just don't have the time to do them anymore or I'm too lazy to work on them or I procrastinate on doing the work. Sad sad sad smh.
Boy's practice. Goofy talks to me more. Welllll... not really talking. More like just making funny comments back and forth. More like yesterday when he shook his but for me and Tingtong lol. Good enough for me I guess. Maybe? I still miss talking to him as a friend, but I think it's too late for that. I'm a little mad I couldn't see him in study today.
Oh! They had their first game today. I hope they did well. I'm gonna text Tingtong about it later.
I think that's it... alright bye! loL
Okay. So this past week has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Stupid moody teenage years haha. There are two main issues right now.
1) Sleep. Since the weekend, I haven't been getting good sleep. Like, my sleep schedule is COMPLETELY EFFED UP! I stayed up late Sunday night trying to finish homework. And I did the same Monday night. And then Tuesday I came hoem and just fell asleep. My mom didn't wake me up until 10:30. You;d think my parents would wake me up right when they got home... smh. Then last night I seriously tried to finish all my hw... but it ended up with me waking up at 11 AM still in my bed -_-
When I called my mom she said that she woke up at 8, saw me sleeping and said "Aren't you going to school?" Yeah. Like that's supposed to wake me up. Now when my dad gets home I'm going to have to tell him what happened and I'm going to get in BIG trouble. The only thing he told me yesterday was "Make sure you get up on time and go to school". I couldn't even do that. He might not let me go to volleyball anymore D:
I hope my sleeping schedule gets fixed soon. I'm tired of staying up all night and sneaking around and waking up late and asking for rides to school and being really tired in school and most of all, getting in trouble...
2) Guys. My goodness. My emotions have been all over the place. Because Malcolm moved on Sunday (and because I barely got any work done), I wanted to take the day off on Monday, but my Dad said no because "It's better to not have done work, but still learn a lesson in class than to skip school and miss everything completely". I guess it's true, but still, I was pissed off. And it really showed in school. I was in a horrible mood. And in my anger I ignored my fiance. So all that week I felt bad because of that. I thought he was mad at me, but it turns out it was all just one big miscommunication. He didn't even realize I was ignoring him. So I was feeling crappy because of that.
But more recently, halfway through practice yesterday I started getting upset. I think it started with ____. She's one of the prettiest girls in my grade. She stopped by to talk to ____ and the longer she stayed the worse I felt. It's a long explanation I don't want to go into, but basically, I used to be confident about myself. I used to love myself fully or at least like most of my features, but now I can't help but hate myself for not being the girl that my crushes like(d). And I hate how I know they don't feel the same way about me, but I still like them anyway. I just want to let all my feelings for them go. It really bothered me one night so I wrote a poem about it on Facebook. I think I'll post it here so you can better understand how I feel.
That's it. Those are the big two.
Other updates... Term four started last Monday. And it didn't start too good for me. Like I've said before, I don't think I'm doing well academically. Though I was shocked when I saw all A's and B's (except for chemistry... of course) on my report card, I'm not pleased with my actual performance in and out of class. But I think I'll stop talking about school for a bit. Though it is a major part if my life right now, what I say about it won't change until I change and form better time management skills. And I'm working on that now so I'll let you know what happens...
What else? Well, since the last poem I posted, I've thought of a few great ideas for poems. And I can't wait to sit down and actually form them. It takes time and thought, just like when I'm drawing a picture. Speaking of, I really want to get back into art. There are so many things I'm interested in, I just don't have the time to do them anymore or I'm too lazy to work on them or I procrastinate on doing the work. Sad sad sad smh.
Boy's practice. Goofy talks to me more. Welllll... not really talking. More like just making funny comments back and forth. More like yesterday when he shook his but for me and Tingtong lol. Good enough for me I guess. Maybe? I still miss talking to him as a friend, but I think it's too late for that. I'm a little mad I couldn't see him in study today.
Oh! They had their first game today. I hope they did well. I'm gonna text Tingtong about it later.
I think that's it... alright bye! loL
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Just Visiting
So yesterday after school I went to visit my grandparents with my cousin Stephanie because earlier in the week my mom was talking to me in the car about how my grandpa (Papa Joe) apparently cries all the time now because "his grandkids don't visit him." So when I got to school yesterday (I got a ride from Dora's mom with Sushi) I waited until Stephanie got there and told her that she was going with me after school, no questions about it lol. Then I went to buy my friend a giant Reeses peanut butter cup. And I gave it to him along with some cookies I made for his birthday.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
School was okay.
I had to go to a meeting about the volleyball clothes we're gonna get. Then I passed through the gym to wish all the guys good luck at tryouts. Fast forward to when we got to my grandparents' home. I was sort of hoping that she would have food because I hadn't eaten breakfast and I only ate a pretzel for lunch. But she said that she had been sick so she couldn't make and anything. So we munched on some crackers and drunk ginger ale. Yummm. After like 10 minutes, it got boring so Stephanie and I played the box game. Then Grandpa came home! He's so cute! His shiny eyes rimmed with those thicks glasses... awww! Grandma told me that he was so happy :')
Then it got quiet again as my grandparents watched TV. And later on Stephanie's dad stopped by randomly and she left. Soon after I knocked out lol. It was hot and I was tired and bored. I woke up to my uncle, my other cousin, and my mom walking through the door. And I jetted outta there. It was soooo boring! lol But still, it's nice to know that I made my grandpa happy. I think I'll stop by more often, like once every two weeks? :) <3
I got home and got Tap Tap Revenge 3!!!! Whooooo! I played that for like 2 hours haha. Then I started writing a new poem. And I saw my Twinn's status... and her new blog. I hope everything is okay :\
I really wanted to go to BCNC today, but I have no money to go there :(
I wanted to see my Twinn! Maybe some other time... I have homework to do anyway. And I'll start that soon... right after one more game of Tap Tap! lol.
Latersss <3
Blah. Blah. Blah.
School was okay.
I had to go to a meeting about the volleyball clothes we're gonna get. Then I passed through the gym to wish all the guys good luck at tryouts. Fast forward to when we got to my grandparents' home. I was sort of hoping that she would have food because I hadn't eaten breakfast and I only ate a pretzel for lunch. But she said that she had been sick so she couldn't make and anything. So we munched on some crackers and drunk ginger ale. Yummm. After like 10 minutes, it got boring so Stephanie and I played the box game. Then Grandpa came home! He's so cute! His shiny eyes rimmed with those thicks glasses... awww! Grandma told me that he was so happy :')
Then it got quiet again as my grandparents watched TV. And later on Stephanie's dad stopped by randomly and she left. Soon after I knocked out lol. It was hot and I was tired and bored. I woke up to my uncle, my other cousin, and my mom walking through the door. And I jetted outta there. It was soooo boring! lol But still, it's nice to know that I made my grandpa happy. I think I'll stop by more often, like once every two weeks? :) <3
I got home and got Tap Tap Revenge 3!!!! Whooooo! I played that for like 2 hours haha. Then I started writing a new poem. And I saw my Twinn's status... and her new blog. I hope everything is okay :\
I really wanted to go to BCNC today, but I have no money to go there :(
I wanted to see my Twinn! Maybe some other time... I have homework to do anyway. And I'll start that soon... right after one more game of Tap Tap! lol.
Latersss <3
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sand Hearts
The rays shower soft warm kisses on my skin,
but they're nothing compared to your kisses.
When your lips find mine, a fire burns inside.
Simultaneously, a cool calm washes over me
every single time
because I know that you're mine.
This. Us. We.
Together.
Finally.
On this sunny day we ventured to the beach.
I splashed you and you lifted me on your shoulders.
The war begins.
Yet in your arms
I feel like I've already surrendered.
My heart is yours
but your heart is mine.
A truce for the times.
We signed the treaty with
loving hugs OOOOO
and kisses XXXXX.
I drew half a heart in the sand
and you completed it.
Then you ran away
carrying me on your back.
We frolic and play and laugh and love.
I clasp your hand and you whisper "Forever."
But nature knows all.
Overtime, the waves and the wind
will sweep that heart away.
They will wipe away our footsteps
clearing the clues that we were ever here.
It's destined, but not discernible to us.
We and our bright young love.
Nature knows all.
The sand hearts will vanish
so really, how long is forever?
but they're nothing compared to your kisses.
When your lips find mine, a fire burns inside.
Simultaneously, a cool calm washes over me
every single time
because I know that you're mine.
This. Us. We.
Together.
Finally.
On this sunny day we ventured to the beach.
I splashed you and you lifted me on your shoulders.
The war begins.
Yet in your arms
I feel like I've already surrendered.
My heart is yours
but your heart is mine.
A truce for the times.
We signed the treaty with
loving hugs OOOOO
and kisses XXXXX.
I drew half a heart in the sand
and you completed it.
Then you ran away
carrying me on your back.
We frolic and play and laugh and love.
I clasp your hand and you whisper "Forever."
But nature knows all.
Overtime, the waves and the wind
will sweep that heart away.
They will wipe away our footsteps
clearing the clues that we were ever here.
It's destined, but not discernible to us.
We and our bright young love.
Nature knows all.
The sand hearts will vanish
so really, how long is forever?
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