Kill The Messenger

"Oh my God, this hurts like hell..."
Hahah. The opening lines of the song Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin. I discovered them again a couple weeks ago and I've been all over them since. I love their songs! :D
But yea. I saw his name on my feedback when I logged on Facebook and those feelings came rushing back again. Sigh. It feels like I'm never going to get over him. I'm sure I will (I mean, I got over all the others, right?), but it's so hard. I have to see him all the time (which I sort of don't mind because he is very good looking lol), but I have to see him with other girls. I have to see him talking about his girls. I have to see him with Jenny.
Malcolm saw my last poem, It Had To Be You. I read over it and at first I couldn't believe that I could really be in such an emo mood, but right about now I completely understand... I understand my own feelings again haha. I sound so crazy. That's what boys do to you girls, stay away from them lol. It's impossible to stay away from them so I won't even try. I'm just going to have to learn and live... and eventually love.
Speaking of, there's something wrong with Twinn. I suspect it has something to do with Ninja because the word love is in like every other status update, but I guess I'll just wait until she says something to me. It's really none of my business.

I've been in this house for the past like 5 days sitting on the couch watching Heroes. By the way, it's not that great. I'm still debating on whether I should continue to watch the second season or not though lol. Anywho, I really need to get out of this house. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. I need fresh air. I need to get my stuff together...
What else... Well, I made a list of things to do for this week. I just hope I get them done.

I need an adventure. I need a change. Give me excitement! Give me fun! Give me... something to look forward to. Scratch that. Remind me of my future, my possibilities. I'm seventeen! I feel as though I should be doing so much more... UGHHHHH! I'm going to lose it if I stay in this house another day!

Oh yea! P.S. I made some strawberry banana pancakes this afternoon. Oh my goodness, they looked amazing! And they didn't taste that bad either haha. Well, that's all. There's not much I can talk about if I've done nothing. So I'll write again when I finally get out of this house.

Love, Monkee<3

B-I-T-C-H

Tonight's topic is jealousy guys lol. But an overview of yesterday first.
Yesterday I went to the guys' home game against Brighton. I wasn't in that great a mood so I grabbed my coat and my umbrella and headed for the door to go for a walk, but one of the refs stopped me and asked if I would do line judge. Sighhhh. I didn't want to, but no body else would so I said yes. I had a bad experience with being line judge before. In the intensity of the game, somehow I crack under the pressure if the call is up to me. I did before and I swear throughout the rest of the game I felt everyone's eyes filled with hate just trying to burn holes in me.
But anywho, this time it wasn't that bad. The ref was really nice. She kept telling me that I was beautiful and how I could/should be a model and how I should do Bay States (which I was planning on applying for anyway) and how I could go far because "you can't teach tall" (Thomas was the first to tell me that!) :D
Before leaving, I gave her my information to keep in contact. Dang, she really boosted my confidence :)
Then stuff happened and I took the train alone only to ride the bus home with my dad.The moral of the story is that I feel great now. Oh, what just a few kind words can do...

Yadda yadda yadda. Now back to the main topic. Today I was invited to two parties. One was Amy's, a friend of Vtang's. I've met her a few times, but I still don't really know her that well. I could've gone to Fire and Ice to celebrate her birthday, but I didn't. Then the other was Jenny's, a teammate (this is the first time I'm actually using her name). Her birthday was last week, but her house party got cancelled last weekend so she was gonna have one today and I was invited. I like Jenny, she's cool. I respect her lots, but being completely honest, I was having doubts about going. I would've gone to build a better relationship with her, to get to know her better. I would've gone to see Goofy and other friends... But then again I didn't want to go because I'm jealous of Jenny, just kinda slightly less than half of a lot. Honestly. The guy I like(d) fell for her instead of me. She's strictly AWESOME at volleyball. She gets the grades. She has loads of friends. She is Jenny.
Then again, I think about it and I'm glad I'm not her. How else am I supposed to learn? Haha. Idk, jealousy sure can be a bitch. I'm not even sure if it is jealousy that I'm feeling. Maybe it's just a really high respect? Who knows.
And then again, I also would've felt awkward going to the party because of a few of Jenny's friends. The girls. You know those girls that you see that are just SO BEATIFUL? And you expect them to be bitches and snobs, right? But from what I can see, these girls aren't... I think.
Yea. Well, I'm just glad that ref boosted my confidence the other day. It helps majorly right about now (funk soul rubber lol). Ummmm, I think that's all I wanted to say. Oh! And this morning two songs were stuck in my head: Today Was A Fairytale and Need You Now. They are so beautiful! Hahah, that seems to be the word of the night. Alright, well it's time for me to read and sleep. Blog you soon lovelies! Jifly! :)

Woah No

Crazy how time flies by so fast. I haven't blogged in like 3 weeks guys... and April vacation is finally here so I guess now is as good a time as any to update :)
So much went on that if I went into detail about each one, I'd end up writing a book. So I'm just going to list the things I remember, I guess. Here we go.

*I accidentally deleted a blog that I was typing in a note on my iPhone >:(
*Good Friday I actually went to church! *gasp!shock*
*Ms. Moore, a science teacher from school, passed away... Then Mr. Huie's dad passed away. He didn't come to school for a week :(
*My cutie/bandit Thorton showed me that if I like someone, I should just go for it and ask them out on a date lol. Then I realized that if I did that with any of the guys I currently like/have an interest in, it either wouldn't work or would end horribly.
*I saw Dirty Dancing for the first time. It made me want to learn how to seriously dance. And now I love that song even more!
*The Script is on KISS 108 now! Great for them! But now I don't listen to KISS anymore lol. Most of the songs I hear are crap so I listen to Magic 106.7 instead :)
*I talked to Frank-o-bean on the phone again. I miss our hour long convos :) He reminded me that he's graduating soon and I thought about how much I'm gonna miss him and all the other seniors... so sad :'(
*Oh yea. And I realized something else about him. He's around a different girl like every time I see him haha. Which shouldn't bother me at all, but if you know our history, you'd understand why it irks me often.
*I wish Bluprint Cru had won ABDC. Poreotics (however you spell it) is fun and all that, but seriously, all they do is "tick-tick-tick-tick-tick" haha. The charit episode was so cool. I absolutely FELL IN LOVE with Jabawockees! 8D
*Harvard Square is such a cool place to explore. First I went there with Quistina (lol! came up with that on the spot) and both my fiances. Then I went there a second time with just Ninja. Crazy night, crazy people... o_o
*Frank-o-bean taught me an important lesson about self-esteem. I'll never forget it. It's just that some of my friends can't name one good thing about themselves and it saddens me because I can think of at least 20 each!
*Malcolm in Texas. We talked on the phone and he cheered me up a bunch. I gotta get more focused on my schoolwork >:O
*Blakey's aunt passed away also :( She's been through SO MUCH in her life. I just wish that I could stand by her side to help, but idk. Time separated us. She's doing her own thing now, but one day, we'll be together again... I hope. I won't let her go.
*I had a viral infection (NOT mono) all last weekend and a little bit into this week. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I was tired and weak all the time. I had headaches and a fever and a sore throat and back pain. UGH. But I'm better now. Although I do seem to be seeing a bit more blood than usual... let's hope I don't have anemia like my mom is making me believe. She's always saying the worst that can happen...

Damn. So many deaths. Isn't this spring? This is supposed to be the time of birth and renewal and happiness and all that crap. But it's seems like the opposite. I don't know. All these deaths and somehow the world keeps spinning, life keeps going. But though sometimes you may feel like bawling in tears or crawling to your room and hiding from the world, you've got to be brave. Take some time and learn to let it be. Because you've got to keep going with the world too.
And that's my final thought of the morning. Have a good day all :)

I Can't Breath!

So today I woke up at noon lol. But that's only because last night I went to bed at like 3. I was watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. It was okay, but afterwards I realized that it was pretty much like every other teen romance movie (except with grownups). So cliche! Yeah so I woke up and had a bagel and went online. I was asking fiancée if she was still sore because I wanted to pass with her at the Y. Unfortunately, that ended in her getting mad at me. Oh well. She's so freaking emotional! Sometimes it's a wonder how we get along. Ninja figured it out today though and it sort of makes sense...
Anywho. I went to BCNC and saw Twinn at practice n_n
And Tingtong was there which I wasn't expecting. Yeaaaaaa so Ninja and I passed a bit and like none of my serves went over, but that's okay. At four people were goin their separate ways. I was in the mood for a smoothie AND I was just a tad bit upset (for a reason that I can't even explain right now) so I walked all he way to Borders for a CremeKula. Let this be a reminder not to get orange mango flavor ever again. Bleck. I got back to BCNC at like 4:40 and no one was in the gym. So I left even though I saw Tingtong on my way out (I was a tad bit annoyed...again). I got home, watched some tv, then went over to my cousin's house for a gang game night. We never really played games, but we had lots of laughs thanks to Rachel. Then I came home and watched Precious online. It is a really sad movie, but I didn't cry like I thought I would. The plot is just really shocking, that's all.
Oh! Haha. I was just about to end the blog, but I forgot to reference it to the title. So on my way to Borders and back I realized that there were A LOT of smokers in Boston. Jeez. Every other step I took I was breathing in smoke, smh. I'll never pollute the air or others' lungs like that. I treat my body like a pyramid (sounds cheesy, but it's true). I refuse to ruin it with alcohol or Mary Jane or any other drug. It's stupid and useless!
Other things... I was thinking a lot about fiancé today. This always happens. There has only been one guy in my life to tell me he seriously liked me (I've written about it before). I haven't had any boyfriends in my time, not even close so when I realize that a guy likes me or that they are flirting with me, I tend to doubt. Myself, them, everything. I try to figure out their hidden motives because surely they couldn't like me like that. So pretty much I've been overthinking everything and doubting myself (which isn't helping my self-esteem) and trying to figure out if it really was flirting or even if it was real! Lol. Ugh. Guys. They eff with my brain!!! But in the end of the day I still can't help butwant to talk to fiancé or just be with him. Weird how once I think a guy likes me, I'm attracted to him. It's even worse this time because I already used to have a crush on him. Damn I got it bad lol.
So I'm not really tired (eventhough it's like 4 in the morning--how am I gonna get all my homework sone tomorrow?) and I got guys on the brain. I think I'm gonna write a poem. Because, like I said, the only poems I know how to write about are love and heartbreak...
Anywho, nighty night losers :) <3

What Just Happened?

So today was very interesting. I'm not gonna say much about school except that we had a meeting about choosing our electives for next year. Being a BZ I only get 2 choices. I know I want to take Biology 2 (definitely not AP Biology, I've heard bad things). It'll prepare me for my dream job, a researcher in medicine. But then Mr. Maguire also convinced me that taking another year of Latin would also be great for my transcipt. And then I want to take another year of French. But then again I'm still debating on whether or not I should take Art. I mean, I love art, but freshman year when I took it Mr. Moy was a creep and a pain and he made me hate art. I don't know if I want to deal with that all over again, especially in such a stressful year such as senior year. Do I really wanna take an extra class just so I can stress myself out more? Oh yeah. I just remembered. At the end of the year, Mr. Moy made us fill out these year evaluation forms. And on mine I wrote that he made me hate art. I tried to leave right after giving it to him, but he held me up, read it, and asked me if it was true... AWKWARD!!!! Oh well, I'll make a decision sooner or later...
So. Afterschool I went to the volleyball game (both teams won! whoooo!) :D And I passed for a bit when I first got there. That was fun. Then I went to Crown Fried Chicken with fiancée. And we got back just as the varsity game was first starting. I sat down on the top bleacher and fiancé sat next to me. And though I was starving when I first got to the gym, I wasn't that hungry anymore so I didn't mind sharing any of my food. First he said randomly that it would be weird (I forget the word he used, I thought it was awkward but it wasn't) if he were to marry me, like for real. Lol and I thought it was just so odd that that thought came to his mind right after he sat down next to me. Odd but cute :)
Then he started feeding me fries. And our legs were touching and he was nudging me with his knee. And a couple times he put his hand on my leg. And he came to stand by me and he sorta lay his head on my chest for a moment. It was all very... interesting. He's NEVER acted like this before with me. It's strange, but again, cute (if that's the right word I'm thinking of). When i got home I had the hugest urge to facemail him and ask him wat was up. What made him act so differently, but them again I'm not sure if I want to or should bring it up. Hmmmmm.... Decisions decisions.
I mean I had a crush on him, I admitted it. And I do still have feelings for him, yes. But I know that we weren't meant to be. What's the use in participating in all this flirting if nothing happens as a result? I don't want to fall for him all over again just to get crushed when I find out that all of this was for nothing or that he never really felt the same way about me. I just don't want to go through that pain again. I don't know what's going to happen... I just hope I don't lose our great relationship :) *blush*
Blog you later. JIFLY<3

Run. Jump. Explore. Discover. Laugh. Howl. Grow. Love to live and live to love.

It Had To Be You

I don't want to deal with it anymore!
Just rip my heart out.
I don't want to be jealous,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to keep liking you.
Take away these feelings and let me live in peace.
It was never meant to be
so why won't my thoughts cease?
Because my heart and my head fight a constant battle.
One minute Mind is in control
and I'm able to thinking logically, clearly,
with no distractions.
Then the next Heart comes attacking strong,
crushing me with unwanted thoughts.
My brain will never stop fighting
and in some recess I remember the reality of it all,
how I fall for you, but you keep going,
how I'm stuck here not able to move on.
My heart and my brain fight against each other,
but they work together to bring me down.
Under the weight of these constant thoughts
I am pushed closer to the edge.
I start to hate myself
for not being the girl you want
and for not walking away when I first realized I wasn't.
It's irrational, but these feelings are true.
Somehow it just had to be you.
You've been through this before, you know the pain,
So spare a bruised soul and take my burden away.
Help me stop liking you.