Sweet Nineteen

For my birthday I would like the best of both worlds :)

I want to go to a Haitian club and dance the night away to Kompa... and then I want to go to a restaurant and eat hotpot haha. The best of both worlds.

And then I'd finish off the night eating a slice of Linda's Fudge Cake from the Cheesecake Factory. Delicious. But of course that's not going to happen. I've come to realize that if I ever want my birthday to go the magical way I'd planned it, I'd have to make it happen myself. And I'm too broke and busy this year to do it so it's not going to happen.

Though I will probably get myself that slice of cake ;)

Is It Ever Gonna Be Enough?

So I was having a great day today. But when I came home. I don't know. Things sort of took a turn for the worse. Here's a list of some of my frustrations:

• My parents. I know I'm their baby girl and I'll always be that to them, but they have to let me go sooner or later... I worry that I'm always gonna be called back home for curfew or something. It's nice to know they care but I hate feeling like I'm gonna get in trouble everytime they call. I'm eighteen. And what about when I go to college? What if I have to stay at home and commute to school? Gross.
• Right when she started talking to me again I feel like I offended her in some way. But I was just being honest...
• It sucks when you realize that someone knows more about your life than you do about theirs. But I've said it before. "Ask me a question about yourself. I may not know the answer, but I'd still like to say that I know you. I feel you." You've told me enough that I know how you feel. And doesn't that say something? ... Yea. It still doesn't make up for the fact that I feel like crap cuz I don't know your favorite color. :[
• I realized tonight that we talk about the same things. Or we end up talking about the same things. And it sucks cuz for all the things that I've told you every single time, nothing changed. What else can I do but keep trying?
• Some stupid little girl crushed his heart. On his birthday. Instead of lying to him and giving him a pity date why couldn't you just tell him the truth? Why couldn't you just be straightforward? He's crushed and I can't do anything about it. I could tell him to just wait and the right girl will come your way, that he doesn't have to sweat at the gym every single day to feel good enough for girls, but what good would it do? Just like Star it wouldn't make much of a difference cuz he already has his mind set one way. Even if I told him that I'm in the same boat, literally right next to him in the same situation, it wouldn't matter. Why do people think they need a partner to happy?
• Oh yea, and Malcolm ate half my s'mores cupcake. Thanks -_-

Somehow all those things just dampened my night. Even when I tried eating sweets to cheer me up, it didn't work... but I assume that's a result of all that chocolate we (YMS) ate tonight. Speaking of YMS, if we do plan a trip to Florida how could I possibly come up with $850? I don't like planes like AT ALL. And I assume my parents wouldn't like me going half-way across the country for two weeks with friends/people they barely know, but still it sounds fun. It's easy for other people because they get money from their parents whenever they want, but my parents struggle for every dollar they earn. Maybe this is what my sister was talking about when she commented on my poem about money. Money fucks up everything. If I start saving now AND I get a job AND I fundraise, maybe, just maybe I'll get to go. And that'll be like the epitome of my high school career, going out of the state with friends :]
I just gotta think frugal >:|

Shit. Life is hard. And it's completely unfair. But if I've made it this far... it's only a matter of time, right?


:[

Birthday Wishes

As some of you may know my birthday is coming up fairly soon. I wanted this year's to be amazing, everything that I hoped for. Then again, if I hype it up too much and it doesn't turn out the way I hoped, I'll just get disappointed... so I'll just have to have fun no matter what I do! :D

There's only a few things that I want to do this year. I'd like to go to Sephora and get a makeoverrrr (yay!), go karaoke-ing with my friends, and eat at Pour House. I'm still not sure about karaoke right now because I'm still broke D: but we'll see. Hopefully I'll get some birthday money... and after getting extremely late christmas gifts, I hope I can go out and celebrate with my friends :) Maybe we'll just go clubbing ;) WOOOOOOOOT! ♥
Then again, my mom said that she's gonna take me to a photoshoot so I can have pictures for when I audition for modeling, but honestly I don't trust half the things my mom says. She rarely keeps her promises. I know she would love to do everything she says, but if you can't stay committed to it, don't bother saying it at all.
Oh yea! And I hope Malcolm will be able to get those tickets to the Robyn concert on Feb 4th. I love Robyn's music! It'd be so awesome, my first concert. I desperately hope...

And yes, I have a list of things that I would love to get. Maybe I'll have money for them after my birthday. Or when I get a job (I am determined to get some sort of income this year *grrrr*).

• Boy Meets World DVD set
• Domo
• Sailor hat (I think Lexy already got that for me, yay!)
• Spatula and measuring cup for baking
• Rollercoaster Tycoon
• Candy ♥
• 'Angry Girls' wallet (http://www.newburycomics.com/rel/v2_viewupc.php?storenr=103&upc=103-1185159NEWBU)
• Cyanide & Happiness plushie (I think Frank already got that for me too)
• iTunes/music store gift card
• Chipotle gift card
• Lush gift card (http://www.lushusa.com/shop ; this store is amazing btw)
• Spirited Away DVD
• Edible arrangements gift basket (yumm, fruit!)

Other things would be to visit Malcolm in Texas, but he's moving back soon anyway so that's out. And to come to school and find a gift in my locker. This is gonna be my last year with an actual school locker so it's my last chance to get it crossed off my list haha. We'll see...

So all of this was about me listing out what I want. I don't actually need any of it, but it would just be nice. Even if none of this happens, I'll still be glad because, hey I would have survived one more year! And of course I'll still be with my friends and family. That's really all I need. Kay, I'm off to read. Byeeee!

Until next blog...

When It's Over

Hello lovely blogettes. Good morning. Oh wait, good afternoon :)
I'm just gonna skip that whole "sorry I haven't been blogging" intro cause I realized that I'm just not an avid blogger. I'm not making anymore promises about blogging. I'm not setting myself up like that lol. I'll blog when I want! So take that Tiff! You and your frequent bloggers can go... blog. Hahah.
So... the end of summer is nigh! NOOOOO!

*25 minutes later*

Oh, haha. I went to go get some fruit salad. I was hungers (yes, I said hungers; it's my new word). But actually, I still am *grumble*
Anywho, the weather def isn't as hot as it was earlier this summer and I'm a tad bit disappointed about that. I'm still gonna go to the beach with Vtang and Jenn and Amy, but I feel like the weather should be high 80's or even 90's to go. That's the perfect beach weather for me (also, the perfect tan/burn weather lol). And I've heard that they want to go on a day closer to the start of school.... WHAT? lol
That seems absurd to me because summer = beach and sun and fun while the start of school = autumn and windy days and not much fun. Do you see my point? Plus, I'll be busy school shopping and book reporting. A week before school starts, that's when I'm in serious mode and I actually start to care about getting ready for school. Right now, I'm still in summer mode and I'm tryna have as much fun as possible in these last few summer weeks. That's all I want :)
But yea, that whole summer mode thing is probably the reason why I still haven't finished my essays lol. But hey, I know for a fact that probably 70% of our class hasn't done it either. We're all lazy (either that or we have better things to do).
I have the outline of my essays, I'm just not in the mind frame to be putting words together and forming smart-sounding sentences lol. I hate essays, I really do. But I'd better get used to them. I want to be a biomedical researcher. That means a LOT of lab reports... and essays. Great.

*30 minutes later*

Hahah. Sorry, I went to check on my cousins... and eat ice cream cake :)
Yesterday was my twin cousins' birthday...s? lol They turned 21! Yay! Though the pre-clubbing party was slightly lame (just them, some friends, and a couple of cousins eating food and cutting an ice cream cake -- yum), in the end, they had fun, which is great! They looked gorgeous. And the heels they were wearing... whooo! :D I still can't imagine myself going to a club though, like at all. I can't dance, like at all. And though I hate to think of myself as so, I'm slightly introverted. I'd rather spend my Friday/Saturday nights doing something fun with a few friends or even by myself, but at a club? I can't picture it. But who knows? Maybe my 21st birthday my sister will take - no, drag me to a club like she did for my cousins. Except. I don't really like my sister. So I don't see how that'll work. Honestly, when my sister made her entrance to the "party" last night, I wasn't happy. I saw her making her way in the house giving hellos and I made a face. I don't like to admit it. I felt bad for not being happier, but I couldn't help it. I can't help it. We were never close as kids. Never. Welllll... except for that one time....
It was back when we lived in the same room. I was around 10, making Dinah about 15...? Anywho, my parents were fighting in their room (which is right next to ours). And I started crying on my bed. Dinah was like putting away clothes or something and she saw me crying and she asked me what was wrong. She climbed into the bed with me and hugged me until I stopped crying. That was probably the ONLY time she ever comforted me. Thank God I have a brother to look out for me when so clearly she doesn't. My mom tells me that a sister is the most wonderful thing a girl could have. Easy for her to say because she has like 5 sisters she's all close with. I don't know. I'd love to patch up our relationship, but that just doesn't seem possible right now. Maybe one day. Maybe she'll surprise me on my 21st birthday and treat me like a loving, caring sister would.
But one other thing I remembered about her last night. When the adults were debating about which club to go to, my sister was the loudest and put in little tidbits of info about fake IDs and about which club was the best and on which days. I tried to control my disgust. She's just parties that much. Of course she would know everything about every club... smh.
But yea, speaking of birthdays, my mom gave me the best idea for my 18th birthday... SKYDIVING!!!!! :D I'm so excited for my birthday. It's gonna be -- better be awesome! It's on a Saturday so I hope to party all weekend long haha. Friday I'll hang with my friends and Saturday I'll have a party with my family. But yea, skydiving = awesome! It's on my list of things to do before I die. So it'll be great to get it done right before my birthday. The only problem is... my birthday's in the winter. And I'm not sure if you can still do it in the cold of winter. Regardless, I looked it up and there's like 5 places for New England. AWESOME. I can't wait.
Ummm. And lastly, I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer lately. My brother left pretty much all his DVDs when he moved. And he left his box set of Buffy. First, when my sister was still staying here, she watched it, but she left it open and since our cable has been shut off again, I thought that I may as well see what all the hubbub is about. And it's a pretty good show. I absolutely can't get enough of Angel <3 He's uber hot and he's so sweet! I wish I could find a guy as sweet and charming (and good-looking) as him. Oh yeah! And last night I got bored so I decided to look up ways to wear the ankle-length leggings my mom got me from Canada. The site said to wear them with boots or flats or heels. So I tried on a few outfits last night with my heels on and I must say that it was pretty cute. Even though I'm completely against the whole legging fad, I'm gonna try to wear what my mom bought me because well, she can't return it now and I shouldn't knock something before I try it. I was thinking about where I could wear my leggings and heels outfits too. I MIGHT just wear it to school one day haha. But aside from that, I'd love to wear them on a date. I like to dress girly in heels, but I never get the chance to do it because well, I never do that sort of stuff with friends and wearing heels would make me much taller around my friends than I already am. But if I could just find a guy tall enough, I'd love to dress up and strut around in heels by his side :)

And btw, I'm still reading my first summer reading book, 1984. It starts out incredibly slow, but it picked up after a while. And now I've gotten to a point in the book where he's reading Goldstein's book. I can't believe that Mr. Orwell would waste nearly 50 pages on that crap. It's so BORING! I find that I can only read it in 20 minute intervals because I tend to fall asleep. Sheesh. I don't need to read what he's reading! Get back to the action! I can't wait till I'm done with this book so I can move on and get my summer reading DONE. (Little fun fact: college kids don't have summer reading! ;) I almost can't wait for college just because of that haha)
Well, that's pretty much all I've got to say for now. I'm gonna go watch like two more episodes of Buffy then FINISH THOSE ESSAYS!
Blog ya later! Probably later on in the week because VOLLEYBALL STARTS TOMORROW! (Captain's practice, that is) I can't wait to touch that ball again and smash it one more season. And also finally face my fears of seeing Jenny and Goofy together. That should be fun... *sigh*

Xtina<3

Sweet Seventeen: Part III

Saturday. I woke up at 9:00 AM surprisingly. I called fiancee because we were supposed to go ice skating then pass at BCNC, but she was still sleeping so she canceled it (Awww! I really wanted to go too!). So I stayed home and helped my brother make lasagna for my karaoke party that was supposed to start at 4. At 1 we started driving around everywhere picking up supplies and people. One of my cousins, Saget, made a comment saying, "Who came up with this idea anyway? You know you're not gonna sing." I wanted to pop him in the face. That made me so mad. Like, yes, obviously I'm going to sing. I planned it. I'm the one who wanted to go there. If you don't want to sing, you can go home now. Sheesh.
She we finally left for Do Re Mi armed with lasagna, candy, cake, my balloon, and ready voices. It was a really long drive. We went through really interesting parts of Allston that I'd love to visit again. We got there and we sang. Journey, 30h!3, The Fugees, Spice Girls, Alien Ant Farm, Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, etc. I had lots of fun :) Blake couldn't make it because she had an emergency, but I shall see her! I have to...
The cake my brother got was chocolate with chocolate frosting (he knows me so well lol). And it was from Stop and Shop lmfao! Goofy was right, it was really good.
We left and went home to find a prayer service in session (awkward!). So we headed to the basement and played Taboo (hate that game... but am a surprisingly good guesser). That was really fun too.
Then when all the cousins left, I watched the Pregnancy Pact on Lifetime lol. That movie was okay, def not the best I've seen. Those girls were stupid though, sighhh...
And I went to bed at like 1, I think. I didn't do any homework. Uh-oh. And I have to finish reading this book for a project that's due in class tomorrow. Crap. Oh well, at least I had a really good time :D And it's not over yet. I'm going to Sushi's place later. I'll tell you about it later ;)
Right now, I'm going to brush my teeth and all that jazz. Take a shower with that soap from fiancee's gift. Not the one that smells like cotton candy, it's a different one that's made with a whole bunch of citrus-y fruits. It smells really good too! It's sure to wake me up :)
Then I'm going to try to finish up some homework. And somewhere in between I might get that mani-pedi my mom said she'd take me to get. Whoo! This weekend was so much fun :) This was prob my best birthday yet, the fact that it was on a Friday may have helped too. Next year? I'm turning 18 on a Saturday. Now that's gonna be wild lol.

P.S. I still wanna see Legion. But now I wanna see To Save A Life too. That looks good. It came out on my birthday too!

Yay! I'm seventeen! Okay, now back to work... peace!

Sweet Seventeen: Part II

So what actually happened today? Let's see...
I woke up to find a giant balloon in the shape of a cupcake in my room that said happy b-day (courtesy of my older brother). That started my day off right, with a smile :D
Too bad it was too big to take to school lol. As I was getting dressed, twinn and Ninja 1 wished me a happy birthday on AIM :)
I left the house on time for the first time in months and caught my bus. Usually Sushi gets on at the stop down the street, but she wasn't there. Oh well. I still had an enjoyable ride knowing that I was early for a change. Then I got to school. Lots of people said happy birthday, even Brown Sugar when I sat down across from him! But when Goofy came to the table he didn't say a thing. He just put his head down to sleep... -_-
I was maybe just a little put down by that. Maybe so much that I had to write "just smile :)" on my hand to remind me not to get so disappointed or sad throughout the day. (I got that phrase from Goofy actually. Someone gave him that advice a while ago when he was feeling down. And apparently it worked for him. He just has to remind himself sometimes -- like maybe writing it on the back of his notebook? haha.) Yeah. So after breakfast when I was walking over to my locker, Goofy was walking with Brown Sugar and he said it, but I just stared at him for a sec then went upstairs. I don''t know why... Maybe I was still a little bothered at the fact that he didn't say it before. I'm so awkward when it comes to guys I like! sighhh...
Yeah, so the rest of the school day was okay. After school I went to eat pho with fiance, twinn, and Ninja 1. At first I was a little disappointed because fiance seemed sad or annoyed or something, like he didn't want to go and he was just bringing my good mood down. And the fact that "the others" were were waiting for Jerkie to go on another triple date didn't help at all. I listened to music and kept reading my palm the entire time we waited for Ninja.
We happened to be leaving at the same time as "the others". The girl Goofy likes invited me to go with them to the movies. Right. Like I want to be the seventh wheel. I'm sure she didn't mean to make me feel that way. Like I said, she's really nice, but that's how it would've felt to me anyway...
So we left and we ate pho (yummmm!). At one point, I observed my fiance and realized that I loved him lol. I told my twinn about it too. He's a genious, funny, caring, talented, very entertaining, etc. It just came to me, how much I cared about him :)
Then I met up with my fiancee (extra e, completely different person) at the Y. She was finishing her appointment and we talked with Joey. He's fun. Then we peppered a bit. We left for the movies but when we got there, we realized that we wouldn't be able to see Legion. I could see it because I'm seventeen now (woah! I can officially go to rated R movies on my own! yay!), but you have to be 21 to buy more than one rated R ticket and she's not seventeen yet. (At home when I told my brother what happened, he introduced the idea of getting others to buy the tickets for us to me. I never thought about that before lol.) And since it was opening day, she said that they'd be checking tickets so we wouldn't be able to sneak in. So we thought about going ice skating, but decided against it when we got there. Then she wanted to buy me a cake and we went to Finale because there weren't really any other places to go to. We stopped for ice cream on our way back to the Y. Ben & Jerry's. I asked about birthday discounts and surprisingly walked out with a big scoop of yummy Phish Food :D Next year, I'm going around to a bunch of different places and asking if they have birthday discounts lol.
At the Y, fiance talked with other Y staff while I talked to "Tim" and Byron and Saunders, basketball people. Jackie wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug. Weird, because he's usually a jerk (not intentionally, but to be funny, you know? lol). He gave me a hug and told me he loved me hahah. Good stuff.... Then we went over to BCNC and peppered some more. That was fun. Goofy, Ironman, Dimples, and Yanyi were there. 9 o'clock came around (when the gym is supposed to close) and they were playing doubles while I was trying to get a shot in the basket with a basketball lol. Goofy told me that I should join the school's team when so obviously I sucked. But he said that they could teach me haha. He tried to give me some tips on how to shoot one lol.
So we stayed there for a good while. Before we left, I shot an awesome, strictly amazing basket without even trying :D Then we went back to the Y to eat my cake, which wasn't all that for its quality btw. There was a mild chocolate taste, but it was dry and really small for it's expensive price. We wanted to share it with the guys, but they knew not to eat it lol. Goofy said that the best cake around is Stop and Shop cake. "Just scrape off the first inch of frosting, and you're all set!" lmao.
Then fiancee and I went over to McDonald's to wait for her mom to pick us up. I got home safe and sound. I saw a box of Pizza Hut on the table and ate a couple slices lol. Before going to bed, I used the shower gel fiancee got me. It smelled really good! Like cotton candy... yummm. Finally, I fell asleep in front of my laptop lol. That was my birthday! I actually had a lot of fun. I can't wait to go on Facebook to see and reply to all the birthday wishes haha :)

Oh, one more thing. Fiancee and I were talking in McDonald's and she asked me if I still liked Goofy. I told her that it still hurts when I see him with the girl he likes. She said, "Honey, it's always gonna hurt." So now I'm thinking, maybe it's best if Goofy leaves. But how will I feel when he's gone? Will I get over him? Or will it stay the same? Will my heart always want him?

Carousel -- Paper Route; "I want you more than anything, just as you're leaving"

Being 16 is Overrated

Seventeen days Facebook-free! Whoo!

Your sixteenth year of life is supposed to be one of the few that are special, life-changing, magical.
Yes, I had lots of fun in the past year. I did lots of new things. My sweet sixteen wasn't as awesome as I hoped it would be, but my family and friends (those that truly loved me) did things to make it special. To make me feel important. A sign was put up on my locker. I got an orange bag with a bunch of monkeys on it. My mom got me my favorite cake from the Cheesecake Factory. And the Gang took me out to go bowling.
What else? Throughout the year, I got into Mass Juniors. Planned an underground Easter egg hunt at school. Went to see a play at my school at night, Once Upon A Mattress (starring the handsome, talented Anthony). Planned those Asian History Month celebrations. Went to the movies multiple times. Was filled with pride at my brother's graduation... and partied all night long at the graduation party. Explored Newbury St. Started Ice Cream Fridays. Planned the White History Month celebration and baked my first apple pie for it (lol). Attended the seniors' graduation. Lead the Vermonster event. Partied. Ate at cookouts. Partied. Had sleepovers with my bestie. Went to the beach. The MFA. Volunteered. Had a rockin volleyball season. An amazing Spirit Day. Partied. Shopped. Partied. Partied. Partied. lol
I even talked on the phone with a few of my friends all night long (and I don't talk on the phone that much). I hung out with my friends A LOT. And I haven't gotten my permit yet, but I will... sooner or later.

But in summary, the past year has just been... another year haha. Yes, I had loads of fun, and I'm more experienced. I became a little more assertive. I grew up, but nothing especially life-changing has occurred yet. No mystery person has waltz into my life yet.
Towards the end, my year sorta sucked. I got my heart broken by a few certain people. A few key people that mean oodles to me. And it hurts. A lot. I'm waiting for something to change this around. I'm waiting for something to happen to pull me outta my growing teenage depression. It has to happen. Because with every down comes an up. I'm trying to be optimistic. Maybe I should take a step and do something to change things on my own. Or maybe fate has other plans in mind. Anyway, the start of the year wasn't all that great, but that just means that the end of the year will be all the more awesome. And with my birthday coming up soon, things are bound to turn around ;)

Sometimes, being sixteen ain't that green. But in all the things that I did, I did them for myself. So I guess sixteen is just the year when you take a stand and start to be independent. I mean, I wouldn't have such a great bond with my twinn if I didn't start talking to her.
With that, now I wanna know... what's seventeen all about?