BC1: Day Fifteen

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I can live without certain friends and Facebook and even meat (if I really tried and wanted to), but I think the one thing besides family I couldn't live without no matter how hard I tried is candy. As a kid my Dad always used to come back from work with candy for me. I sort of blame him for my sweet addiction. But realistically, I doubt I can go longer than 2 weeks without anything sugary. Good thing I take good care of my teeth.. now.

I remember I once went on a candy diet for a month as part of a New Year's resolution, but by the time the month was up I'd bought a couple bags full of candy that I'd been craving and eaten most of it all in one sitting. How sad...

Day 19

Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.

1. Xtina - I forgot how I got it but I'm sure it has something to do with my sister and her obsession with Christina Aguilera as a teen. Wasn't her nickname Xtina too?
2. Monkee - Throughout my childhood my sister used to call me "monkey," I don't know why. So one day I took advice from my brother, used it, and just made it my own. I found that I actually really liked monkeys from then on.
3. Kandi (with a heart over the "i") - This one was made sometime my freshman year in high school when I met my friend Rose. We had this joke that I was secretly a stripper and Kandi (with a heart over the "i") was my stripper name. Fun, huh? lol.
4. Cjoe -  On my high school volleyball team there were two Christina's. We were complete opposites (I was tall, she was short; I was Haitian-American, she was Chinese-American; I played middle hitter/blocker, she was the libero - we were opposites on the court; etc.) yet we became awesome friends. One day to distinguish between us during practice a guy from the boy's team (Lau) called me Cjoe and her Cwong. Those nicknames have stuck ever since. ♥
5. Twinn - Since we became such good friends, Cwong and I found that we actually had a lot in common. So much so that one day I decided that we were twins born from separate mothers...at separate times haha. It's my way of being bonded to her for... as long as I live, hopefully. She's an amazing person and she definitely changed my life. I can only hope that I've made a fraction of the impact on her that she's had on me.
6. Tyrone - I got this one while getting to know my current friends at FSU. We were talking one day and a fact arose that the most popular name amongst African American males is Tyrone. I thought that was weird because I only know one Tyrone and he's not even African American. Somehow we ended up calling each other those ridiculous stereotypical names. I'm Tyrone, and the rest of the group is called Jamal, Chester, Antoine, Ricky, and Trey haha.

I've had other nicknames over the years too, they just didn't stick quite as well.

BC1: Day Fourteen

A hero that has let you down. (letter)

 The "hero" I'm thinking of hasn't let me down, per say. They've just changed in my eyes. No longer an inspiring hero, they've.. become human showing all their flaws.

Dear Malcolm,
Remember the good old days? Remember when we used to wash dishes together and sing songs about the drain and grapes? Remember the "Christina and Foot Show"? Remember the Power Stuffed Toys? Remember how I used to just want to hang around you all the time? Remember how you'd have to physically drag me out of your room? Remember how you used to measure my height on your door frame? Remember how we used to go places together all the time? Remember how we used to sing and harmonize perfectly? Haha. I remember it like it was yesterday. I miss those days.
We grew up. We grew apart, in ways. I miss being able to sit with you in a room or in a car without wanting to leave. I miss being able to sit down with you and talk about problems. I miss being at peace with you. Now it's like everything you say upsets me (and vice versa) and we end our already short conversations in screams and on bad terms.
When it gets really bad, sometimes I take out that book you gave me for my birthday last year, Where The Wild Things Are, and read the message you wrote me on the back cover. Sometimes I take out that speech you wrote for me for my graduation. I reread that speech you wrote for me when I completed the MassBLAST program. Those are the messages I have to remember. They remind me that you love me and that you care. They remind me that you argue with me because you care so much.
I just wish you could show your affection in a different way. Because I can only handle so much yelling and fighting before I want to shut you out for good.
You haven't let me down (other than not doing something simple like giving me a ride to an important meeting), you've just grown distant. And that's not the way I'd like it to be.

With love,
Your little sis Cjoe

Day 18

Plans/dreams/goals you have.

When I was younger I used to dream of being a humanitarian. Now, after my first year of college, I don't know what I want to do - what career I want to pursue.One thing that I know I want to do is complete my list of Things To Do Before I Die. And I'd like to travel, which is part of my list actually.

I plan to transfer from FSU and study some place else, preferably out of state, preferably away from my family.

My goal is to travel across the country to visit California and my friend Johnny.

My goal is to get my permit and hopefully my license within the next year.

I dream of the past, when all was right with those I care about most. I hope my future is as pleasant as my past was.

BC1: Day Thirteen

You know what's really sad? I've never been able to commit and finish a blog challenge, sigh.

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (Write a letter.)

Dear Paper Route,

Thank you for your music. When I'm having a rough day or when I'm upset, I find that your music can always make me feel better. It's as though you're singing my thoughts. And it's because of that connection that I feel as though I'm not alone and I feel better. I truly appreciate it.

Musically Yours,
Cjoe

Day 17

Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Honestly, I've never thought about switching lives with anyone... Actually I take that back, I've always wondered what it'd be like to be a guy lol. But I really wouldn't want to actually switch lives with one. I like the life I have. And yes, people always say that they want to see from another person's perspective, but things wouldn't be the same if you actually could. Everyone has different experiences for a reason. So that we can learn to look outside the box. So that we can try to see things from another's perspective. So that we all take that extra effort to relate to each other just a little bit more. So that we can learn to accept others the way they are. Therefore if I had the chance to switch lives with someone for a day, I wouldn't do it.
Yea, that was a long explanation but it made sense in my head haha :)

Day 16

Something you could live without.

I could live without.. makeup. I don't wear it haha. I don't see the point in putting on a mask. Long lashes and red lips are society's definition of beauty, not mine. People waste so much time and money on it and for what? A second glance? A compliment? Ehh, I'll stick with my natural features. But you know, sometimes even I think I look manly. Because all my life I've had this image of a beautiful woman in my head: thin, large chest, long hair, pretty face, makeup... I can't help but compare myself to that unattainable image. Sigh. And now I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Goodnight.

Day 15

Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.

1. First Time -- Lifehouse
2. Bet I -- B.o.B. feat. T.I. & Playboy Tre
3. Gutter -- Paper Route
4. The Anthem -- Good Charlotte
5. No Such Thing -- John Mayer
6. Imperfect Is The New Perfect -- Caitlin Crosby
7. River Flows In You -- Yiruma
8. Tonight -- Jonas Brothers
9. Autumn -- Sparks The Rescue
10. Closer -- Anberlin
    

Day 14

A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.

I stole this from my house on Sunday and I've slowly being eating the whole quart by myself smh. Literally like 15 minutes ago I almost finished it. And now my stomach is bulging out and I feel fat and lazy :\

1. Today we (the volleyball team) had our first scrimmage with CCRI (Community College of Rhode Island or something like that) and I didn't get to play. Coach said that I was supposed to go in during the 5th set because usually there's 5, but tonight there were just 4 sets soo.... yea. I don't know. When it started I got really upset that he wanted me to do stats and I started doubting my decision to stay on the team. I do that a lot nowadays. Maybe it wasn't the right decision... :(
2. I really miss my Boston/high school/Asian friends. Every day I'm liking my teammates less and less (except for one or two). I just don't like their personalities. They constantly talk about other teammates behind their backs, they act stupid, and they whisper and giggle to each other in front of everyone else. I can only imagine that they talk about me behind my back too.
3. It's as if each day I spend here I lose sight of myself and what I came here for. I'm not sure of myself anymore.
4. Right now I sort of feel like bawling my eyes out.
5. I hope I get along with my roommate nicely. She's already friends with one of the girls on the volleyball team (one of the ones I genuinely like) so we shouldn't have too much trouble.
6. I've accepted who I am for the most part, but there are still those days when I look in the mirror and just want to wipe what I see away. Those days are actually becoming more frequent.
7. I'm holding back tears right now.
8. I feel as though I don't belong on the volleyball team, like I'm an outsider. I'm afraid I'll be a loner for the rest of my time here, that I won't find a real friend.
9. I miss home and my family and my bed and.. those childish days when I could do things without having to worry about scary moments like this.
10. Ummm... I was very close to losing my lip virginity (haha my first kiss) to my best friend. But that was like 3 years ago lol.
    

Day 13

Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.

Haha. I've done this on Facebook a couple times.. of course, I bleeped out some words and names from it so that people couldn't tell who I was talking about lol. My only problem now is deciding on who to write to.

Dear Dinah,

How did our relationship turn out the way it did? How is it that you can be my flesh and blood sister and I am able to still feel not much of anything for you? I've always blamed it on the fact that we were born five years apart. I blame the fact that you never played with me and the fact that you were forced to take me places on that age difference. When I was just a kid you were already in your tween/teen years. Of course you had grown out of that Barbie phase. But there's always that little piece of my mind that thinks that you never liked me to begin with. Maybe you were jealous that I stole your spot as the youngest child. The are a limited number of times I remember you actually showing affection for me. Once was back when we shared a room. Mom and Dad were fighting, yelling loud, and it scared me. I started crying on my bed and you asked me what was wrong. You climbed on the bed with me and held me telling me that it was okay. You stayed with me until I stopped crying. You made me feel safe. The other time was when you wrote me a letter. In it you said things like "I know it seems like I don't care about you, but I love you little sister." It was special, it put a big smile on my face. Too bad I don't know where that letter is now... But those small moments almost don't compare to all the other times we've screamed at each other, all those other times we nearly started throwing punches. I feel as though we'll never have that sisterly bond that I've always wished for. It's just too late. It's too late for us to hang out and for it to feel normal. We've never been close and I don't think we ever will be.

And you know what? Last week when Mom was offering you fish and you said "give it to Christina" that really hurt me. What's wrong with you? I know our personalities are completely different, but do you have to be such a bitch to everyone in the family all the time? Sigh.

Signed,

Little Sister

Day 12

A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.

Dorm livin' motha chuckaaaas! x)
How many Domo's can you spot? haha.

Secret: I hope my roommate doesn't think I'm weird (cuz of all the Domo stuff or that Joker poster I "borrowed" from my brother) or childish (cuz of the stuffed animals I sleep with)... D:

Day 11

A picture of something you dislike.

I dislike how so many beautiful girls around the world feel like they have to change themselves somehow just to be considered beautiful by society's definition. It's ridiculous. Makeup, diets, plastic surgery, you don't need it! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

www.operationbeautiful.com

Day 10

A story about a past relationship.

I was going to write about a crush I've had before but I looked through some of my old posts and saw that I've pretty much wrote about them all (the major ones at least haha). Actually, the first three posts I ever made were about my first crushes. (Look for Ahh, the Hopeless Romantic: Parts I-III.) The only crush I don't think I really went into was the one I had on Frank-o-bean. Last week I would've said the same thing that I thought for the past like 3 years, that if things were a bit different, if he were a bit taller, Frank would be a wonderful boyfriend, that I'd definitely go out with him. But the last time I met with him (Friday) things were different. He was different. He was still sweet and caring and made me laugh and could hold a conversation with me with no problem but there was something.. off. First off we went to the Cheesecake Factory and the environment seemed too.. romantic. And secondly he was telling me about all the things that he did like going on a bunch of different diets and all this stuff. He even confessed to me that he's been going out and getting drunk like every weekend. There's something wrong. He's stressed, maybe even depressed. I just wish I could help somehow! :[
But yea, he's a great guy. My Frank-o-bean :) Our relationship's not over though, things have just changed..

Day 09

Something/someone you’re proud of.

Can I just cheat and say that I'm proud of myself? I mean, sure there are other people that I'm proud of like Twinn, Honey Bee, Chupson, etc. but I'm just sorta kinda concerned with myself right about now haha. I spent most of the last month preparing for the fashion show and guess what? It turned out great. I sold like 20 tickets (with help from my mom haha) and my family really liked it. It took a lot of work. Then pretty much the day afterward I got all my stuff packed up and ready for school. I've spent the last few days working my butt off at volleyball practice. I still get frustrated like there's no tomorrow and I still feel like everyone on that court is better than me but I have people supporting me through this. I have family and friends who have got my back. I have people who believe in me. I can do this. I will get better. I will be on the same level as those other players or maybe even better some day. I am proud of everything that I've done so far. I am proud of me.

Day 08

Short term goals for this month and why.

You know, at the beginning of this month after I came back from Haiti and New Hampshire, I listed out everything I needed to do and buy. Time passed and I barely got any of them done. I didn't get Thomas his Godiva shake, I didn't take the commuter rail to Salem and eat at Howling Wolf Taquiero, I didn't go to Canobie with the Gang (my cousins), I didn't hang out with Derek or Khanh, I didn't volunteer, I didn't even get my permit -_-

But I did get through that fashion show, sold over 15 tickets, learned how to play mahjong, visited the younger Lady Dragons again (and gave Twinn my gift!), hung out with Frank-o-bean and had a great time, I even packed up all my stuff in one night and moved into school successfully. Those are some pretty good accomplishments.

Right now, my main goal for the rest of the month would probably be to stick it out and get through captain's practice. It's really tough. I cried today because I felt so inferior... but I think coach still wants me on the team (why else would he ask the captain to help me before practice every day?). That gives me some sort of motivation. That and all the comments people left on Facebook, those really helped :) <3

It might get a bit lonely here, but this is something I just have to do. I have to try..

Day 07

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

My big brother Malcolm. Sure, now it seems like I just want to shut him out of my life, but he's has the biggest impact on my life, hands down. He was the one who played with me as a kid when my sister Dinah was too busy doing her teen things. He was the one I talked to when I was upset. He was the one who stayed up all night and helped me write a final paper for English that was due the next day. He was my singing partner, my protector, my mentor, my lawyer, my loving big brother. You know what? Scratch that. He still is. We're just going through a rough patch right now -_-

Day 06

A hobby you have.


BAKING!

I sorta kinda love it :)

Day 05

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

I've been here. At one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to in my family's amazing country Haiti. I'll never forget it.

Day 04

List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.

Jeez. 15? Really? I can barely think of 5... sigh.

1. Under Control -- Parachute
2. Fallin' For You -- Colbie Caillat
3. Move Along -- The All-American Rejects
4. Be Mine! -- Robyn
   
5. All You Need Is Love -- The Beatles (Yes, at this point I'm just going through my iTunes lol)
6. I Gotta Feeling -- Black Eyed Peas
7. Dancing On My Own -- Robyn
   
8. Maps -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
   
9. I Want You To Want Me -- Cheap Trick
10. Till I Get There -- Lupe Fiasco
11. I'm Coming Out -- Diana Ross
12. Float On -- Modest Mouse
    
13. Are We All Forgotten -- Paper Route
    
14. Wish -- Paper Route
15. Two Birds -- Regina Spektor
16. Dream On -- Robyn (just because♥)

Okay. So I guess it really wasn't that hard lol. I couldn't even fit all of them on my list haha.

Day 03

A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

I'm really organized.. almost to a point where I get very agitated if someone touches something of mine and they don't put it back the same way they found it. Some might call it OCD lol. I should probably work on that :\