Thanksgiving/Black Friday

Oh goodness. This has been the longest couple of days in... ever haha. It's like I'm on a roller coaster that's gone out of control. At first everything's fine and I'm happy, but then one little thing happens and my world does a complete 180. Everything goes wrong and I'm upset and I start to cry. It's ridiculous. I feel sorta kinda bipolar. All I want to do is get off this roller coaster. I wish I could redo everything starting from Wednesday afternoon. Turn back time and forget that things ever happened, that'd be wonderful. Because I'd like to be stable again, to feel stable. My eyes weren't made to cry this much lol.
So where should I start? Hmmm... hows about on Thursday night. Thanksgiving. I had a pretty bad Thanksgiving. The worst out of all my years. The morning was fine, but then my mom came by and said that we were trying to leave by 3. So I kept doing whatever I was doing because I still had time. So 2 o'clock comes around and she barges in yelling at me asking if I was still going. Then she tells me that she said we were trying to get there by 3 (which is complete bullshit cuz I know what she said before). And so we were both mad. I was getting dressed when she hopped in the car and threatened to leave me. She claimed that I didn't want to go -_-
I had to run out to the car. And on the drive over to Rhode Island I cried. Quietly, but still I'm sure my Dad noticed since he was sitting next to me. He didn't do or say anything. Nice. What kind of family is that? We got to my aunt's house and she had to leave for work so we were left with my twin cousins and a table covered with half-eaten food. I was silent while we ate. I already felt crappy. (Though I did crack a smile when my mom asked what would we do if she was choking... *inside joke*) Later on she made some rude comment about me. She was like "I don't see why people say Dinah and Christina are so alike. Christina's so mean. I don't see how she has any friends." Alright so maybe it was supposed to make me smile cuz they all laughed, but I walked away after that. So later we went to my godmother's house (also my aunt) where the majority of my cousins were. I had more fun there because my cousins distracted me from my immediate family haha. What can I say? They know how to make me laugh. It was maybe 11 when I go a ride home with Dinah and her bf. In the car ride he was talking to her about me. He said "Your sister seems especially surly lately. What's wrong with her?" Then they went on about how my sister doesn't know what surly means... but still, it's amazing to me that he would actually ask about me when no body in my (immediate) family will. Again, what kind of family is that?
So I got on aim at home and put in my status that I had the worst Thanksgiving ever. And Qui aimed.

Qui 11:12 pm
got some lint in my food, bout to go eat it 21m ago <-- that's an inside joke haha
(10:23:00 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] hey i dont think i can go tomorrow
(11:12:28 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] my mom wants to go shopping
(11:12:28 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] T.T
(11:12:34 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] i guess im suppose to hpold her bags
(11:12:34 PM): [Offline IM sent 50m ago] >:(
Qui 11:35 pm
(11:35:28 PM): hey u alrite ?
(11:39:09 PM): i hope everything goes well storm, happy thanksgiving i am tahnkful for having the storm because she predicts the weather :-)
(11:39:21 PM): goodnite storm (and then he set that as his status...)

I didn't want to talk to him so I ignored him even if that was really thoughtful. Sometimes I just want to hit him for being so flippin nice. Like I want to hate him for it, but I can't. That just doesn't make any sense lol.
Anywho, since I wasn't going to the mall with him, I decided to go with Vtang. After her tooth-decayingly sweet comment on my last blog I couldn't help but want to spend some time with her. It turned out to be just what I needed!
I woke up at 5:30, left at 6:30, missed my bus, waited a while for the next one, got to Savin Hill, waited there for a really long time in the cold, and walked to Thao's house in fuggs (really bad idea, if only I knew that it was going to rain in the morning... my boots got soaked! lol). We got to the mall around 9... and Vtang and I left around 3/4. Six hours and I walked out having bought just a CD hahah. I introduced her to Chipotle though! Yummm...♥ And I saw Jenn too! And I tried on a lot of hats lol.
By the time we got to Downtown we were both exhausted. I got home expecting my dad to yell at me for staying out nearly 12 hours, but surprisingly he didn't. (I guess it only counts for when I stay out late.. *rolls eyes*) But my mom walked by my room and nagged me. Maybe he's using her as a secret weapon to get under my skin. If so, it's working. She's seriously pissing me off. My fist is aching to throw some punches. At anything and anyone. Watch out... >_>
But yea. In the middle of uploading pics, Qui aimed again. Asking what's wrong. And by that time I was so frustrated with the pics and tired of having to lie and cover up the truth and frustrated with my own thoughts and feelings and just so done with everything that I tried to tell him. Or I hinted at it, but it didn't work. I couldn't do it lol. It was just a fail cuz he kept being to nice and supportive. He kept trying to cheer me up, but I couldn't crack a smile. I was literally shaking with fear (or whatever mix of emotions I was feeling). So in the end he put up a pic of Storm and Nightcrawler together to cheer me up. I could've died.
Also, in the end I hinted at something I probably shouldn't have. And I feel terrible for doing that too. If only I could've started all over! Everything's all mixed up now and ughhhhh! This sucks. I wonder what it's gonna be like talking in person...
Yea. So after that I finished uploading all the pics. And I got tired so I just fell asleep. And now today I believe I'm going to the movies with my cousins (the Gang!) to see HP. Only I refuse to see that movie so I'll probably go see something else lol. And I feel bad for that too because I was originally supposed to see that movie with Sushi on Wednesday. Aghhh! Why is this week so crappy?!
I wonder how/if I'm gonna get any school work done lmaooo.

So for last thoughts... Vicky. Vickster lol. I ♥ her. She's been super awesome these past few days. I know I don't like talking about my "love" life and I hate that it's so hard for me to do it with her, but I love her for trying. And look, she actually got me to do it through this blog! How did I get such a good friend like her? I wonder.. what is she thinking? Does she know she's helping me? Because I know if the tables were turned and she was the one hurting, I'd feel like all my talks weren't helping :\
Anyway, if you didn't, now you know. You're amazing. (You're a star!) Thank you. And I really do hope we get to go skating again lol.

And Vtang. Once again, thanks for the wonderfully tiring day yesterday. I can't believe it's been so long since we last hang out! We have to do it more. (Karaoke!) And I'm not sure if you figured out who the guy is... I'd rather you not know actually. But if you find out, you find out.

I know I should've known better (not to like him). But hey, the heart wants what it wants. It wants what it can't have. That seems to be especially true for my heart...

That's a picture that Frank-o-bean tagged me in hahaha.
It's like my heart breaks free from the leash every single time.
This reminds me of those poems I wrote (I wrote them at the perfect time because they match exactly how I feel now). I think I'm going to go read them now. Blog you laters.

Xtina. Monkee. Cjoe. Kandi. Twinn.

Spirit Day

Hello dear readers. It's been a while. A very long while haha. I meant to blog last weekend, but I got lazy. Oh well hehe.
So today was Spirit Day. Everything was so nerve-racking. (Thank goodness it's the last one!) This morning was CRAPPPP. Last night after Cao's party I came home and uploaded pics for a god 2/3 hours. I fell asleep at like 1:30. Then I had to wake, get ready, get all my stuff packed and good to go for my performance, and run out the door (because they said that if you come late to school, they won't let you in). But I was running late and I missed my bus. So I had to ask my mom for a ride and she got mad and was yelling at me. It was just really loud -_-
Especially since we were arguing the night before too. We haven't really been getting along that well. But anywho, I ran for volleyball and sang for Chorus and danced with Bobby (*bleck*). It was ridiculous. But it was fun. It was definitely a lot more fun than rehearsals though. I got a major headache during that -- actually all that afternoon. I don't know, I was just pissed. There was way too much going on.
But after school got out I went with Vicky to her house because we were gonna go ice skating. Aside from the spring rolls that gave me an itchy throat (allergic reaction; this happened the last time I had spring rolls too! I think it's the hoisin sauce! It has sesame seeds in it. I'm allergic to sesame seeds. Or it could just be a psychological thing like because I saw shrimp I got paranoid and my body started reacting to it... I don't know, but I feel bad. Vicky's so sweet. Lol I wish I wasn't allergic to so many things...)
So aside from the spring rolls, I had fun with Vicky :)
Then we went to Frog Pond. I got out the car and like couldn't stop shivering. I saw Jannie and Christine... and then I saw Qui. And I asked him what he was doing there. And he said he came to see his girlfriend skate.
And after a few minutes of waiting in line I didn't want to be there anymore. So I left. I felt really bad for leaving, but I couldn't handle it. I hope I get another chance to skate with Vicky again. This is the second time we meant to (skate together) but never did :(

And I walked through the Commons in the cold. The trees were really pretty blowing in the wind. And I sat in the corner on the train. And I cried. Thank goodness for hoodies. Then I got to Forest Hills and waiting in the freezing cold for my bus. And right before I got on this girl asked me if I played volleyball and I nodded my head and showed her the front of my hoodie. Then I fell asleep on the bus and almost missed my bus stop. And I went to my room and crawled under the covers and slept. And slept. And my mom tried to wake me up. She was trying to massage my back from when I fell down the stairs last week... don't ask me why. Maybe I have some bruise on my back that I don't know about. But in my half-sleep state I told her to stop and rolled over and fell back asleep. Then I woke up at midnight. And I just lay on my bed for a while wishing I could fall back asleep so I wouldn't have to think. And after eating a bowl of cereal I'm wide awake. So I'm watching movies online. And yea. This is probably gonna be the worst Thanksgiving I've had... ever.

This (situation) is so stupid. I should've known better. And if only he weren't so... friendly. I sort of knew this would happen, but I didn't think it'd be this soon. I guess this just means I have more time to heal and get over it...
We were supposed to go to the mall on Friday, but if he doesn't say anything about it I don't think I'm gonna go. It sucks because he's like my closest guy friend. And now I'm in the perrrrr-dicament.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the right guy lol. Or maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. Volleyball and guys should stay separate. Forever. It's easier that way. For me anyway.

Or maybe I should just go lesbian lol.
Sigh, what am I gonna do? For the next couple hours, I mean. I already slept for 8+ hours. The more I stay up, the more I have time to think about things. And I don't want to think about things. Can't I just forget? Forget it all? Please? :'(

Happy Turkey Day guys. Have fun. Be thankful.
I guess I'm thankful for friends -- OTHER friends. But I don't even think I want to talk to them about it right now. I'll just lie to myself and deny it ever happened.
Anywho, blog ya later. I'm sure I'll blog more this weekend.

If Only, If Only...

Wow, it's been a super long week. I'm starting to come home just COMPLETELY out of energy after school. Volleyball man... it's hard work.
So right now I'm recovering from being very upset, aggravated, annoyed, and frustrated. So many adjectives, all so true. It's some problem with another player on the team. Plus, this morning I found out that my dad took my laptop again. Argggggg. I'd rather not bawl my eyes out. I need to keep it together, but it's getting harder every day. If only that someone were here to give me a hug :|
If only things were completely different from the way they are now. If only my dreams and wishes came true *sigh*
Let's see how things go the rest of the week. I'll try to update this weekend.
Blog ya later, Xtina.

A Good Clean Feeling

So I just took a shower and I'm pretty comfortable right now. I got an XL tee-shirt on and some pajama shorts and it feels good on my skin. (I'm actually getting a little tired...) But somehow something still doesn't feel right. There's something on my mind and it's bothering me. I shall open up the gates of my mind and share, but be warned: this is mostly going to be about volleyball and boys, a certain boy that is.
Today was a long day. Yesterday afternoon I was set on not going to practice today, but

*3 hours and a bowl of food later*

Phew, I needed that nap. Anyway. But Vicky put me in a situation where I felt bad about not going (not on purpose). See, I was sorta kinda forced to go to a birthday lunch after practice for Kathy. And Vicky paid for me. And then later she gave me a dollar for the T... for today. I felt bad about having her pay for me so I made some cookies for her and the birthday girl and others and brought them today. Yesterday was so awkward though. First off, people kept asking me if I was okay, even Goofy! Honestly, I wasn't okay (emotionally that is), but I kept my mouth shut and just let out my anger through my hits. Then at the birthday lunch it was quiet and like no one was talking. Towards the end I noticed that Goofy and Jenny were holding hands under the table. That killed everything for me. I just wanted to go home at that point. After it was over I started walking to the train station when I heard someone call me down the street. I saw that it was Jenny and Goofy (who had come from a bakery) waving. I saw them but I kept on walking, I couldn't handle it anymore.
So yeah, today I went to practice for Vicky and like 3 other people, that's it. I got sweaty and stuff and practice ended early cuz we were kicked out of the gym. I was getting aggravated anyway. I was with Allan working on my hits, but I couldn't get it right. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it was pissing me off. Honestly, I knew I was never a great hitter (I just have a strong arm... and I'M TALL), but I still was down because of my inability to get it right. I mean, Jenny's hits are perfect, she doesn't need any correcting...
Then I had an appointment and I went back to BCNC to meet up with Tingtong and Cwong. We just wandered around. But when the guys came back from eating they wanted us to play volleyball. I had given my gym stuff to my dad to take home so I wasn't prepared and I didn't really wanna play with them anyway. Cwong and I got up to go to the auditorium but as I passed Goofy he tapped my arm and told me to get my stuff. I didn't even stop when he did that. I just kept walking and said I didn't have it. Then later I got on the train and walked home from Forest Hills again.
Things are just... awkward between Goo-Hung and I. Or maybe I'm making it awkward. I don't know. I can't help how I feel. And how do I feel exactly? I don't really know that either. As long as they don't start makin out at practice or around me, I thought I would be fine, but that might not be the case. I mean, I can't be mad at either of them. Hung just didn't like me. And Jenny, though she knew I liked him, she was the one... being chased. Hung wasn't gonna give up haha. So I can't be mad at anyone. I guess I'm still just disappointed that I wasn't the one who got picked. And that I have to see both of them around during volleyball season. I'm trying to avoid him (and sort of her) but that's not gonna work at all. He keeps talking to me. I guess he expects that things would stay the same between us, but obviously not. And he knows that. He legit asked me if I was okay. I was commenting on how one girl at tryouts was really good at passing and he said "And how about you?" I know he wasn't talking about volleyball -_-
*Sigh* I don't think we can be friends like we were before. I just... can't. Maybe I should take Ninja's advice on how to get over a crush and just start flirting with other dudes lol. Too bad I don't know how to flirt :p
So, advice to all guys out there. Don't flirt with a girl when you know nothing's gonna happen between you and her. She might get the wrong idea and fall head over heels and just get crushed. Save a girl a heartbreak and leave her be.

Now I wish I could talk about this with one of my friends, but I'm still stuck in this "I'm fine, I'm just tired" mode. Especially since I admitted that I wasn't okay to Vicky on AIM and she logged off right after. I was gonna talk to Tingtong on AIM today, but I don't know where she is. Oh well. All this pent up anger and frustration an be channeled into volleyball. Huie said I needed to get mad, to be a beast. Let's hope this season goes well :)
Now time to watch Buffy. THANK GOD there's no practice tomorrow. I need a weekend to recoup. Later.
Xtina<3

Why So Serious?

There's this poster I put up on my closet door recently. It's of Joker from The Dark Knight writing "WHY SO SERIOUS?" in blood with his thumb. And he's drawing a bloody smile that looks like the one on his face...
I just thought that I'd share that. It used to be my brother's. He hung it behind the door of his room. Quickly after he moved, when my mom was putting away all his stuff, she took it down was about to throw it in the trash. But I saved it. I miss Malcolm. But hey, that's why phones were invented. No matter how bad my day went, when I talk to Malcolm it all gets better somehow :)
And I'm so glad he's been helping me with this whole college process. Heaven knows I never would've been able to do it on my own. I just wish that I didn't procrastinate as much. I want to make him proud... I found a book in my bookcase a while ago. Where The Wild Things Are. Malcolm gave it to me for my last birthday. I really wanted to go see the movie, for him to go with me, but we never got a chance to. So he got me the book :) And he wrote me a beautiful message in the back. My brother... I should really sit down and try to write that college essay about him I've been meaning to.
But anyway, I didn't want to ramble on about him. I wanted to also say that I am so SORE lol! I've only had captain's practice for the past two days. Yesterday, I was fine, but when I woke up this morning my butt was sore. Then I came home today (after walking home from Forest Hills) and my legs were so freakin sore! Bending my knees takes so much energy haha. But I'll get used to it. I love volleyball. I missed it haha<3
Unfortunately, I'm running out of cash FAST. I was able to save up $50 about 2 weeks ago. Now it's all gone. This sucks. It costs a lot of money to get to and from practice everyday. Plus I have to buy stuff to eat because there's nothing at home. And once again, I'm not getting allowance (more about that later). That's why I walked home from Forest Hills today. I thought it was a good workout. And of course it saved me money lol. (Not only that but my bus apparently doesn't run from 10:45- 11:55 on weekdays... LAME -_-) So I decided that I'll go tomorrow but then not go for the rest of the week since our practice keeps getting interrupted by little kids who use the gym anyway. This weekend I hope I'll be able to ask for like $10 to get a weekly pass or something for captain's practice next week.
So today after practice I watched Buffy and visited Lexy. She's so bored at home lol. The laziness must've emanated off of her and spread to me like a disease somehow while I was there because I found myself not having enough energy to even finish sentences coherently LMAO. Late at night my parents came back home. My mom was complaining that I didn't wash the dishes eventhough I was here almost all day while both my parents were at work for about 12 hours. Yes, my dad usually works like that, but lately my mom has been working late to make extra money. Bills bills bills :(
Being completely honest, there's like nothing to eat other than leftovers from Saturday (I'm surprised it lasted this long). And I'm afraid to ask for money because... well, they're struggling to make ends meet. True, they are supposed to be providing for me and making sure that I have everything I need, but I don't know... I just feel like a burden. But hey, in a sense all kids are I guess. Yea. Well, that's why I can't go out this weekend. No cash. Sorry. I'd really love to, but I can't.
Oh yea. And Lexy and I were talking today as she walked me home. We talked about our goals before graduating. Mine is simple: go on a date lol. I want to go on a serious date. I'm just waiting for the right guy, I guess. It's taking a while cuz most guys at our school are uhh... not very date-worthy haha.
Alright. Well I gotta get some sleep so I can wake up at like 6 for practice lol (so sad)... And I gotta get some reading done haha. That's me! Sleep deprived, procrastinating Christina lol. Sweet dreams all :)
Xtina<3

When It's Over

Hello lovely blogettes. Good morning. Oh wait, good afternoon :)
I'm just gonna skip that whole "sorry I haven't been blogging" intro cause I realized that I'm just not an avid blogger. I'm not making anymore promises about blogging. I'm not setting myself up like that lol. I'll blog when I want! So take that Tiff! You and your frequent bloggers can go... blog. Hahah.
So... the end of summer is nigh! NOOOOO!

*25 minutes later*

Oh, haha. I went to go get some fruit salad. I was hungers (yes, I said hungers; it's my new word). But actually, I still am *grumble*
Anywho, the weather def isn't as hot as it was earlier this summer and I'm a tad bit disappointed about that. I'm still gonna go to the beach with Vtang and Jenn and Amy, but I feel like the weather should be high 80's or even 90's to go. That's the perfect beach weather for me (also, the perfect tan/burn weather lol). And I've heard that they want to go on a day closer to the start of school.... WHAT? lol
That seems absurd to me because summer = beach and sun and fun while the start of school = autumn and windy days and not much fun. Do you see my point? Plus, I'll be busy school shopping and book reporting. A week before school starts, that's when I'm in serious mode and I actually start to care about getting ready for school. Right now, I'm still in summer mode and I'm tryna have as much fun as possible in these last few summer weeks. That's all I want :)
But yea, that whole summer mode thing is probably the reason why I still haven't finished my essays lol. But hey, I know for a fact that probably 70% of our class hasn't done it either. We're all lazy (either that or we have better things to do).
I have the outline of my essays, I'm just not in the mind frame to be putting words together and forming smart-sounding sentences lol. I hate essays, I really do. But I'd better get used to them. I want to be a biomedical researcher. That means a LOT of lab reports... and essays. Great.

*30 minutes later*

Hahah. Sorry, I went to check on my cousins... and eat ice cream cake :)
Yesterday was my twin cousins' birthday...s? lol They turned 21! Yay! Though the pre-clubbing party was slightly lame (just them, some friends, and a couple of cousins eating food and cutting an ice cream cake -- yum), in the end, they had fun, which is great! They looked gorgeous. And the heels they were wearing... whooo! :D I still can't imagine myself going to a club though, like at all. I can't dance, like at all. And though I hate to think of myself as so, I'm slightly introverted. I'd rather spend my Friday/Saturday nights doing something fun with a few friends or even by myself, but at a club? I can't picture it. But who knows? Maybe my 21st birthday my sister will take - no, drag me to a club like she did for my cousins. Except. I don't really like my sister. So I don't see how that'll work. Honestly, when my sister made her entrance to the "party" last night, I wasn't happy. I saw her making her way in the house giving hellos and I made a face. I don't like to admit it. I felt bad for not being happier, but I couldn't help it. I can't help it. We were never close as kids. Never. Welllll... except for that one time....
It was back when we lived in the same room. I was around 10, making Dinah about 15...? Anywho, my parents were fighting in their room (which is right next to ours). And I started crying on my bed. Dinah was like putting away clothes or something and she saw me crying and she asked me what was wrong. She climbed into the bed with me and hugged me until I stopped crying. That was probably the ONLY time she ever comforted me. Thank God I have a brother to look out for me when so clearly she doesn't. My mom tells me that a sister is the most wonderful thing a girl could have. Easy for her to say because she has like 5 sisters she's all close with. I don't know. I'd love to patch up our relationship, but that just doesn't seem possible right now. Maybe one day. Maybe she'll surprise me on my 21st birthday and treat me like a loving, caring sister would.
But one other thing I remembered about her last night. When the adults were debating about which club to go to, my sister was the loudest and put in little tidbits of info about fake IDs and about which club was the best and on which days. I tried to control my disgust. She's just parties that much. Of course she would know everything about every club... smh.
But yea, speaking of birthdays, my mom gave me the best idea for my 18th birthday... SKYDIVING!!!!! :D I'm so excited for my birthday. It's gonna be -- better be awesome! It's on a Saturday so I hope to party all weekend long haha. Friday I'll hang with my friends and Saturday I'll have a party with my family. But yea, skydiving = awesome! It's on my list of things to do before I die. So it'll be great to get it done right before my birthday. The only problem is... my birthday's in the winter. And I'm not sure if you can still do it in the cold of winter. Regardless, I looked it up and there's like 5 places for New England. AWESOME. I can't wait.
Ummm. And lastly, I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer lately. My brother left pretty much all his DVDs when he moved. And he left his box set of Buffy. First, when my sister was still staying here, she watched it, but she left it open and since our cable has been shut off again, I thought that I may as well see what all the hubbub is about. And it's a pretty good show. I absolutely can't get enough of Angel <3 He's uber hot and he's so sweet! I wish I could find a guy as sweet and charming (and good-looking) as him. Oh yeah! And last night I got bored so I decided to look up ways to wear the ankle-length leggings my mom got me from Canada. The site said to wear them with boots or flats or heels. So I tried on a few outfits last night with my heels on and I must say that it was pretty cute. Even though I'm completely against the whole legging fad, I'm gonna try to wear what my mom bought me because well, she can't return it now and I shouldn't knock something before I try it. I was thinking about where I could wear my leggings and heels outfits too. I MIGHT just wear it to school one day haha. But aside from that, I'd love to wear them on a date. I like to dress girly in heels, but I never get the chance to do it because well, I never do that sort of stuff with friends and wearing heels would make me much taller around my friends than I already am. But if I could just find a guy tall enough, I'd love to dress up and strut around in heels by his side :)

And btw, I'm still reading my first summer reading book, 1984. It starts out incredibly slow, but it picked up after a while. And now I've gotten to a point in the book where he's reading Goldstein's book. I can't believe that Mr. Orwell would waste nearly 50 pages on that crap. It's so BORING! I find that I can only read it in 20 minute intervals because I tend to fall asleep. Sheesh. I don't need to read what he's reading! Get back to the action! I can't wait till I'm done with this book so I can move on and get my summer reading DONE. (Little fun fact: college kids don't have summer reading! ;) I almost can't wait for college just because of that haha)
Well, that's pretty much all I've got to say for now. I'm gonna go watch like two more episodes of Buffy then FINISH THOSE ESSAYS!
Blog ya later! Probably later on in the week because VOLLEYBALL STARTS TOMORROW! (Captain's practice, that is) I can't wait to touch that ball again and smash it one more season. And also finally face my fears of seeing Jenny and Goofy together. That should be fun... *sigh*

Xtina<3