Day 16

Something you could live without.

I could live without.. makeup. I don't wear it haha. I don't see the point in putting on a mask. Long lashes and red lips are society's definition of beauty, not mine. People waste so much time and money on it and for what? A second glance? A compliment? Ehh, I'll stick with my natural features. But you know, sometimes even I think I look manly. Because all my life I've had this image of a beautiful woman in my head: thin, large chest, long hair, pretty face, makeup... I can't help but compare myself to that unattainable image. Sigh. And now I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Goodnight.

Day 15

Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.

1. First Time -- Lifehouse
2. Bet I -- B.o.B. feat. T.I. & Playboy Tre
3. Gutter -- Paper Route
4. The Anthem -- Good Charlotte
5. No Such Thing -- John Mayer
6. Imperfect Is The New Perfect -- Caitlin Crosby
7. River Flows In You -- Yiruma
8. Tonight -- Jonas Brothers
9. Autumn -- Sparks The Rescue
10. Closer -- Anberlin
    

Day 14

A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.

I stole this from my house on Sunday and I've slowly being eating the whole quart by myself smh. Literally like 15 minutes ago I almost finished it. And now my stomach is bulging out and I feel fat and lazy :\

1. Today we (the volleyball team) had our first scrimmage with CCRI (Community College of Rhode Island or something like that) and I didn't get to play. Coach said that I was supposed to go in during the 5th set because usually there's 5, but tonight there were just 4 sets soo.... yea. I don't know. When it started I got really upset that he wanted me to do stats and I started doubting my decision to stay on the team. I do that a lot nowadays. Maybe it wasn't the right decision... :(
2. I really miss my Boston/high school/Asian friends. Every day I'm liking my teammates less and less (except for one or two). I just don't like their personalities. They constantly talk about other teammates behind their backs, they act stupid, and they whisper and giggle to each other in front of everyone else. I can only imagine that they talk about me behind my back too.
3. It's as if each day I spend here I lose sight of myself and what I came here for. I'm not sure of myself anymore.
4. Right now I sort of feel like bawling my eyes out.
5. I hope I get along with my roommate nicely. She's already friends with one of the girls on the volleyball team (one of the ones I genuinely like) so we shouldn't have too much trouble.
6. I've accepted who I am for the most part, but there are still those days when I look in the mirror and just want to wipe what I see away. Those days are actually becoming more frequent.
7. I'm holding back tears right now.
8. I feel as though I don't belong on the volleyball team, like I'm an outsider. I'm afraid I'll be a loner for the rest of my time here, that I won't find a real friend.
9. I miss home and my family and my bed and.. those childish days when I could do things without having to worry about scary moments like this.
10. Ummm... I was very close to losing my lip virginity (haha my first kiss) to my best friend. But that was like 3 years ago lol.
    

Day 13

Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.

Haha. I've done this on Facebook a couple times.. of course, I bleeped out some words and names from it so that people couldn't tell who I was talking about lol. My only problem now is deciding on who to write to.

Dear Dinah,

How did our relationship turn out the way it did? How is it that you can be my flesh and blood sister and I am able to still feel not much of anything for you? I've always blamed it on the fact that we were born five years apart. I blame the fact that you never played with me and the fact that you were forced to take me places on that age difference. When I was just a kid you were already in your tween/teen years. Of course you had grown out of that Barbie phase. But there's always that little piece of my mind that thinks that you never liked me to begin with. Maybe you were jealous that I stole your spot as the youngest child. The are a limited number of times I remember you actually showing affection for me. Once was back when we shared a room. Mom and Dad were fighting, yelling loud, and it scared me. I started crying on my bed and you asked me what was wrong. You climbed on the bed with me and held me telling me that it was okay. You stayed with me until I stopped crying. You made me feel safe. The other time was when you wrote me a letter. In it you said things like "I know it seems like I don't care about you, but I love you little sister." It was special, it put a big smile on my face. Too bad I don't know where that letter is now... But those small moments almost don't compare to all the other times we've screamed at each other, all those other times we nearly started throwing punches. I feel as though we'll never have that sisterly bond that I've always wished for. It's just too late. It's too late for us to hang out and for it to feel normal. We've never been close and I don't think we ever will be.

And you know what? Last week when Mom was offering you fish and you said "give it to Christina" that really hurt me. What's wrong with you? I know our personalities are completely different, but do you have to be such a bitch to everyone in the family all the time? Sigh.

Signed,

Little Sister

Day 12

A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.

Dorm livin' motha chuckaaaas! x)
How many Domo's can you spot? haha.

Secret: I hope my roommate doesn't think I'm weird (cuz of all the Domo stuff or that Joker poster I "borrowed" from my brother) or childish (cuz of the stuffed animals I sleep with)... D:

Day 11

A picture of something you dislike.

I dislike how so many beautiful girls around the world feel like they have to change themselves somehow just to be considered beautiful by society's definition. It's ridiculous. Makeup, diets, plastic surgery, you don't need it! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

www.operationbeautiful.com