Just One Kiss?

It's crazy the things I imagine doing with this kid. He'd prob never talk to me again if he knew. Sigh, if only we got a little bit closer, if only I could close that gap between our bodies, if only we could hold each others' hands, if only I could stare into his eyes as we rolled around on a bed all night long… If only he didn't already have a girlfriend.

It's always the same. Just friends, if that. They will never get to see all I can be, all I can give, all we can do, if only they let me break down the high walls of my flooded heart. Emotions, thoughts gushing and overflowing but there's nowhere for them to go. I'll just drown here in my misery under the weight of this crush while you go off and give her one more kiss.

The sad life of a hopeless romantic.

When you come home from work only to snap and start crying uncontrollably... that's when you know you need to either take a break or get a new job.

Confession

I think my biggest fear is that I will die the same way I lived - with my thoughts locked away in my mind. I fear that I will never be open. I fear that I'll never be able to speak my mind freely with another person, that I'll never have someone know my life story. I fear that I'll never have made a difference in a single person's life by the time I leave this world. That's what scares me: feeling like just an insignificant speck on the face of the planet whose life was utterly indifferent to the world.

Dawn Penn - You Don't Love Me (No, No, No)

The sad truth...

Calvin Harris - Thinking About You (ft. Ayah Marar)

I finally looked at my grades today and...

I got an A, two A-'s, and one B+.

That's literally the best my transcript has seen since I've started college 2 years ago. Granted, I did take a bunch of easy classes. I tried in Stats. Luckily I got an easy professor who scaled the crap out of everything. Psych of Personality was a joke - they got a retired professor to come in and reach for his colleague who had recently passed away. I didn't learn anything. And for Philosophy I got the nicest professor who just so happened to have, as my brother calls it, "white guilt". Because he grew up in the south and had seen raw prejudice with his own eyes, I feel as though I got "brownie points". He always kept me after class to ask for my opinion or make sure I was comfortable with the topics covered in class. He was extra... careful, and just the sweetest old guy. I never submitted a final paper but I got an A anyway. I feel extremely bad about it because though I told him that I'd accept a 0 for the paper (procrastination and stress had gotten to me, I just didn't have the will in me to finish it), he told me that I was an extremely bright student and that I should just turn in whatever I had - which I still never did. I have no idea how I got an A but I know I didn't deserve it. Especially since it was a Philo class about Ethics, I feel awful about it...
And of course the only class I really enjoyed and learned from was Art, which I loved.

I don't know. I'm glad my grades are great - my mom will finally get off my back about them. But I feel like I didn't really accomplish much. Socially, I branched out a lot. I went to counseling and learned a lot about myself. I've come a long way since last year, for sure. But academically, I feel like I'm still not all there. I question a lot why I'm in college, why I attend those classes that don't stimulate me (with the exception of a select few). I know the answer, but I don't know if I have the whole-hearted motivation to continue. Either way, my parents will push me to get that degree. That's all they want.

Still, at the end of the day, all that really matters is what I want. That's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.