When you come home from work only to snap and start crying uncontrollably... that's when you know you need to either take a break or get a new job.

I finally looked at my grades today and...

I got an A, two A-'s, and one B+.

That's literally the best my transcript has seen since I've started college 2 years ago. Granted, I did take a bunch of easy classes. I tried in Stats. Luckily I got an easy professor who scaled the crap out of everything. Psych of Personality was a joke - they got a retired professor to come in and reach for his colleague who had recently passed away. I didn't learn anything. And for Philosophy I got the nicest professor who just so happened to have, as my brother calls it, "white guilt". Because he grew up in the south and had seen raw prejudice with his own eyes, I feel as though I got "brownie points". He always kept me after class to ask for my opinion or make sure I was comfortable with the topics covered in class. He was extra... careful, and just the sweetest old guy. I never submitted a final paper but I got an A anyway. I feel extremely bad about it because though I told him that I'd accept a 0 for the paper (procrastination and stress had gotten to me, I just didn't have the will in me to finish it), he told me that I was an extremely bright student and that I should just turn in whatever I had - which I still never did. I have no idea how I got an A but I know I didn't deserve it. Especially since it was a Philo class about Ethics, I feel awful about it...
And of course the only class I really enjoyed and learned from was Art, which I loved.

I don't know. I'm glad my grades are great - my mom will finally get off my back about them. But I feel like I didn't really accomplish much. Socially, I branched out a lot. I went to counseling and learned a lot about myself. I've come a long way since last year, for sure. But academically, I feel like I'm still not all there. I question a lot why I'm in college, why I attend those classes that don't stimulate me (with the exception of a select few). I know the answer, but I don't know if I have the whole-hearted motivation to continue. Either way, my parents will push me to get that degree. That's all they want.

Still, at the end of the day, all that really matters is what I want. That's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

It's that time of the year again!

Finals! Which means no sleep, staying up all night, banging out last minute papers right before they're due, stressing out, and writing posts about how I've come to this point in my life. Though, let's be honest, we all know the answer to that question.... procrastination!

I honestly have no idea how I pass any classes. Being completely honest, I never actually do any real work. I haven't written a serious paper in... months. And that doesn't make the fact that I have to finish a 6 page paper by Thursday any better. I procrastinate all the time. It's becoming a problem. I'm pretty much just getting by with as minimal amount of effort possible. It's so sad.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just stopped it all and dropped out. I'd be working at some lame job I hate going to and I wouldn't be happy. Then again, is it that much different from how I feel now? If I drop out I'll be living at home for a very very very long time. But I guess at least in school I can live away from home. And I'll graduate with a piece of paper that doesn't really do much. (Honestly, what can you do with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology nowadays? Not much.) At least I'll secure myself with a job that pays a lot more than anything I would've gotten with just a high school diploma. Besides, I've come to realize that college, for me, is a time of new experiences. Academics aside, I've done so much that I will never forget. I'm glad I'm here mainly for that reason. Now my goal for the rest of my time here is to realize my true potential, realize that I have to work for it, and graduate glad and proud of all my accomplishments.

That's my goal.... I wonder, will I ever be able to reach it?

If only I could write my essays as easily as I did the posts on my blog.

 I'd be writing 10 page papers with no problem. I'd be getting straight A's. Can I major in My Life?
Please?

Males of the Mind

"I understand. You're not attracted to me. C'est la vie."

- Rushmore (1998)

I'm trying to get over Jay. And at the same time I'm working on forming and building relationships with my guy friends - ones where I won't end up developing romantic feelings for them. It's harder than it seems because, well, I like to surround myself with people who have qualities I like, you know?
But anyway, because I'm focusing so much on the guys in my life, the more attractive ones really stick out. Like all the guys I work with at Staples. Damn, I don't know how so many beauties got assigned to one store... I found out that one of them recently broke up with his girlfriend, hmmm... I was wondering why he was so flirty the other day. And now I know haha.
But per usual, even before I got to know any of them I told myself that it would never work out between us.

Because they're so much more open than I am, because our personalities don't match.
Because I'm too tall.
Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful.
Because I'm not attractive enough.
Because I have awkward large hands and big feet and a big, ugly nose.
Because I'm too quiet and came off as not interested.
Because of all the other reasons floating around in my mind.
The list goes on and on.

The list that I use as my defense mechanism. The list that always keeps me at a distance from the opposite sex. The list that I refer to whenever I find someone that I might like and eventually even fall for. The list that gives me reasons to avoid getting involved with that person. The list that challenges my self esteem every single damn day.

Through habit, I've tricked myself into believing that I'm not attractive to guys - or at least not attractive enough to risk getting into a relationship with. C'est la vie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh. In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm gonna get fired. The other day at work some guy came in claiming that he opened his newly bought box of ink cartridges and inside the individual packages were already opened and he wanted a new one. He was an honest-looking middle-aged man who wanted a refund or exchange. At the time, it made sense to me. It sounded like he was telling the truth so I told him to grab another and I exchanged it for him. Only afterwards when I called the manager on duty to the front (this guy is around my age and also one of the attractive guys working here) did he say that for situations like that I should call him to the front because I basically just let the guy walk away with $90 worth of product. It didn't occur to me that the man could've been lying - he even offered to talk to the manager about it, but there were other people in line and I let him go. The attractive manager said he didn't want me to lose my job... those words were what really sunk in. I felt bad about it for a good hour or two afterward. It took seeing the attractive manager dance and sing and be happy, and my other attractive coworkers making me laugh for me to eventually let it go. But I still feel bad about it even now. I felt so stupid and useless! I really hope I don't lose my job. I didn't mean any harm... I swear, it's one mistake I won't let happen ever again. Hopefully the attractive manager will see that. :\

Problemssssss, sigh.

Honey Pot Hill Orchard

This weekend, though the majority of my friends went home this weekend, two of my closest friends (Chels and Vicki) stayed and we all  went apple picking together. It was second time I've went in my life, pretty fun.

Then later that night I had a bit to drink and I watched Remember the Titans and met like 3 new guys. Fun times. Now it's homework time -_-

OH! And I bought tickets to go see Timeflies with Vicki next Thursday at the House of Blues. Fuck yea! My first concert. Eventhough the seats are like wayyyy in the back, it's gonna be a great Thursday night. Listennnnn!
 

First "Week" Finished

I believe I'm starting off this year pretty well. I'm taking Psych 101, Macroeconomics 101, The American Short Story, and Bio 160 (again). Psych seems fun. The professor is really nice and laid back. Bio, though it seems pretty straightforward (all you really have to do is memorize everything you read and be able to translate what you professors had taught onto tests), I have a hard time studying. All throughout high school I never actually sat down and forced myself to study and memorize something (other than the suffixes for Latin, which I forgot a few minutes after taking the test for it) so I never improved my habits for stuff like this. This year I've gotten a head start on things though. After the first class where I ended up scribbling down half a page of notes margined by a doodle of a monkey, I went over to the Academic Center on campus and asked for some help. I got a tutor, who hopefully can help me with my note taking and studying skills. And if that doesn't do the job, I can always meet with an actual Biology tutor too. I started this week on the ball. By Friday I had gotten an extra 2 hours to kill in the morning due to an absent professor, been dismissed from another class early due to the heat, accomplished taking good notes for Bio, and been dismissed from that English class early. I had made an appointment to meet up and make a schedule for my new job at the Staples here and had also gotten a fat paycheck from the Staples in Boston so I was feeling amazing. I went to the mall with my friends. I treated myself :) It was fun. I got that poster I wanted and a few other treats. Oh, and I saw this at Newbury Comics.

I shall call it Domo Bee.

I came back and finished making that collage poster of Attractive Men - it looks soooooo good on my wall *droollll* ANd now my room feels really homey. It's nice (I'll post up pics later). Now I just have to keep reading and stay on top of my homework to keep this ball rolling. There's so much to read and I've spent the past hour or so cleaning my room and organizing my stuff. I swear, that should be my profession. Cleaning, organizing, and decorating are my specialties. I need a job where I can just do that. It would make my life so much more simple, sigh. Instead I have to read a brick-book about Biology and shove all the print in my brain. Wish me luck. (I'm thinking about switching my major.... and schools.)

On the bright side, I've make quite a few new friends. For some reason this year I've been a lot more sociable. In fact, I'm better friends with my hallmates across the hall than I am my roommate. That's sad. Going to the mall was supposed to be a bonding thing for us but she went off with her best friend from high school instead. She really needs to branch out and make new friends because if she doesn't now, as my new friend said, it'll be a lot harder later. I wonder if that's how I was when I first came here. Was I as quiet? I know I stayed in my room a lot. My roommate is almost never in the room. And when I do come in and find her here, she's sleeping. It's bad. I need to have a talk with her about the TV too. She leaves it on and falls asleep to it. At first I didn't mind, but now I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to turn it off. It's sorta getting on my nerves. It's like always on. She could at least use the remote to turn it off when she's about to fall asleep, right? But no, she leaves it on -_-
I'm trying to make the best of this situation because compared to other people, she's really nice and isn't dirty or anything. It's just the little things that are getting to me, smh.

Hopefully it gets better and I don't fall behind in my work.. I hope everyone else out there is doing well too! :)

I'm exhausted. I shouldnt've gotten into such a bad sleeping hait. Because now when I have to wake up at 7 in the morning or earlier for work, it takes all my energy to keep my eyes open and get up out of bed. Sigh. I really like working at Staples though. You could even say I *gasp* enjoy it. But I've been working for the past two days in a row (and I have to go back tomorrow too) and I'm just sooo tired. Plus, I've finally gotten my paychecks but right when I need them the most, I can't use them because it takes a few days for the bank to register it. Do you know how aggravating it is having physical, paper money, but not being able to use it? I keep having to ask my parents for money to take the T to work. It makes me feel as though I worked all that time for nothing, as though I'm walking around with useless paper in my pocket, as though I'm still broke. Smh. But that's okay. It's probably best I save as much of my money as I can now anyway. But hey, I like my co-workers. Unlike at Macy's, I know the names of my managers - of most of the other people working there. It's a fun environment. I'm pleased with my job. It just takes a lot out of me. I feel a nap coming on...

New Bracelet

I've finished yet another one!  Wooo! I have like 5 other patterns saved to do later haha. They're just so pretty, I can't help myself. Also, I'm working tomorrow. After an hour of listening to all the commercials on the radio, I've finally realized why they called me in to work an extra 5 hours... tax-free weekend. Oh no. They're gonna be swarmed with people. I'm having bad flashbacks of when I worked at Macy's the few days before Christmas... *shivers* Wish me luck, all. Hopefully I come back alive, in one piece... T_T

Blister and a Cut

All in two hours' work volunteering in a day in the life of Cjoe haha.

Sweat.

My family doesn't know exactly how bad I performed my first year in college....
And I'm scared to tell them. I desperately hoped that I at least passed two of my three classes last semester, but honestly I'm not even sure I passed one.

I just opened an email from my school saying that I'm on academic probation.
I don't intend to tell my parents that either. They should know, they're the ones paying for my education. But I just can't. I'm already disappointed in myself. I can't take anymore yelling or shuns from them. I know my mom already thinks I'm going nowhere..

So I'll hide the truth and pretend like everything's okay. Unless something pops up and someone asks a direct question. Maybe then I'll explain everything...

:(

Today was my "productive day."

And instead of searching jobs or emailing volunteer places like I should be doing, I'm looking at different friendship bracelet patterns... Sigh. Sure, they're pretty sick patterns that I can't wait to try but it's sad how the second I was faced with actually doing work, I opened another tab on my web browser and searched something fun. Smh, day well spent, right?

Rainbow Cake

Extremely proud of the cake I made yesterday. All that hard work paid off! I've now got requests to make another one for a different birthday party... ♥

Terminated

Gahh... my gold is turning into rusty iron. I'm soooooo tired :C

Crunchtime.

Writing 7 pages of a final research paper that's due in less than 6 hours? I'm up for that challenge. I've been doin this shit since high school. LOL.

It's like the later it gets, the more I can feel my creative juices flowing, the easier it is to type out gold for my teacher to choke on when she reads it and realizes that I deserve a grade better than a C-. I'm feeling good about this. Really good.

Now as for the essays that are due for my Anthropology class later at noon.... I don't know about that haha... smh.

So Sad

Everything's just so sad. I mean, there are the few small things that can make me smile like getting care packages from my family and spending time with my friends here and acting silly and dancing and planning what I'll do with all my friends from home once I'm done here and successfully completing a gift...

But when I stop to think about things, nothing's going right.
I'm behind. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm worried. I feel sick. I'm unforgiven. I feel ashamed, like a failure.

I'm a good person. I know overall I'm a good friend - a great one. I'm a good student. But as of late I can't see myself that same way. It's like I can't seem to get myself to be the person I want to be, the person I know I can be. In academia at least...

I can hope that things will work themselves out, but I'm not so sure how much I believe it. I think I'm sort of just pretending like nothing's wrong. Except.. I know that a lot of shit actually is.

I guess I should just focus on the things that I do have power over and can change right now - my finals.
Right about now I just have to pull through and not fail anymore classes. Sigh.


I packed up the majority of my things yesterday. All that remains on my wall are pictures of good things, snapshots of memories that induce smiles. What will happen this summer? How can I go back to that house now? The room I once lived in is foreign to me. Its emptiness scares me. My future scares me. What will happen if I fail another class? Will I be forever marked as the failure of the household who wastes my parents' money?

Right about now I'm just hiding from my problems, hoping that they'll just go away and I can start again with a clean slate - no reprocussions.

Way Too Late

I've dug myself way too far into this hole.
And now I don't know how or if I'm going to get out.

P  r  o  c  r  a  s  t  i  n  a  t  i  o  n... will be the death of my grades.

I wish there was some other way I could show the knowledge I've gained in these classes. Any other way. A dance, a song, a poem, a Powerpoint, a one-on-one talk with the professor. Anything. I just don't want to write these essays.

Please, anything but writing essays... -__________-