Last Night

Lol I love my friends.

I have a plan.

I'll leave him be for a while. If he wants to talk to me again, then great!

If not, then I'll go to him. And demand to know just one thing: "Tell me, do you still want to be my friend?"

I don't expect an explanation, I know what I did. But I just need to know... if I've completely ruined what we had, or if there's still a chance that I can get my good friend back.



Jeez, why does that sound so... needy?
And I know damn well that even though I planned this all out, it won't go the way I hoped. It never does. That's life, I guess. 

I had a dream.

That my other guy friends were protecting me. They would come distract me whenever Peter came around. They were protecting me from getting hurt, being sad. It was adorable. I was also a commuter or something because I went back home after class one day. And Peter called me. We had a long convo about how he wanted us to take a trip to Haiti and adopt a little girl, hopefully together. He obviously was no longer giving me the silent treatment. We talked for a while on the phone. He kept asking me questions about my background. It was as if he wanted to get to know me better, as if he actually liked me back. It was a good dream. It made me VERY happy :)

Too bad in real life he's still not talking to me. I miss him, I miss my good friend! :(
What have I done?

I fucked it up.

Why do I always mess this up? Why can't I just be friends with a guy? I sent a text and may have lost a good friendship because of it. Why did I have to confess and tell him my feelings? :(
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Stupid stupid stupiiiiid.
Now he's avoiding me.
Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I could've just held it in and not said anything and gotten crushed by my crush, as usual.
But I didn't.
And now I think I've lost a friendship. Great.

But that's how I learn, right?
Next time I know not to overthink things and just hold back my feelings and never let the guy know how much I really like him. Now I know.
Rule one in relationships: Keep your trap shut.

I am way too nice.

I bought someone (a friend I honestly don't know that well - an acquaintance, really) a full bag of snickers minis because his birthday was yesterday. Was it because I felt bad for having seen him 3 times earlier that day without having said happy birthday to him? Or was it because I think all birthdays should be celebrated? Either way, I realized after giving it to him that I am just way too nice. Granted, it felt awesome to hear that "it was the best gift he'd gotten" after giving it to him, but I really didn't have to get him anything.

I'm just way too nice.

Sad Realization

I've come to the realization that I will never be a model because I don't have a pretty face. I'm not beautiful. It'll never happen.

I Fear Rejection

I fear being unliked, being unattractive.
It's seeded in the fact that not one guy has tried to pursue me,
that at this stage in life I've yet to be in a single relationship,
in any sort of intimate encounter at all.
Its roots run deep,
way back to my insecurities
about my appearance,
my outlandish features.
What little confidence and self-esteem I give off
is built on a web of lies.
I doubt myself.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
I hold back my feelings and long from afar,
never relaying my thoughts to my crushes
out of fear that I'd be cast off.
Because I desperately fear the day that someone will hurt me so much that I won't be able to
recover.

My First Paper Route Concert!

 

I had an AMAZING time last night.

Even though I  ate some UBurger before the concert and felt nauseous the entire time, I had a fantastic time.

After Paper Route performed they stood around their merch table meeting with fans and talking with people.

I met and hugged the lead singer JT!

He told me that I was "by far his favorite out the crowd tonight".

Then he signed my CD with a doodle and a heart and his name. 

I swear, my Spring Break couldn't get any better.

I'm going to the next concert in May, I can't wait. Maybe next time I'll get a pic with them :)

I love this picture.

I have the biggest crush on this guy named Larry at my school.

He's a year older than me and I find him to be the finest piece of man around haha.

He's tall, he's smart, he's friendly, and he's got a good head on his shoulders.

He was crowned Mr. FSU of our school last year.

The only reason he knows my name is because I ran for Miss FSU back in December and won 3rd runner up. Performing in front of a crowd on stage was fun and all - a great experience; but the most exciting part of that night was when it was all over, when I gathered some courage and asked him to take a picture with me.

I love this picture.

And he doesn't even know.

Awful Stories

For some reason my mom thinks that I, a dog lover, would enjoy listening to a bunch of stories about how owners have wrongfully killed their dogs...

Why, mom? WHY?
 D':

Drinking with the broski...

I know I'm over thinking things but let me update you real quick.
Tonight my brother and I went to visit our cousins who live down the street. Calzone, uno, jenga, moscato... It was fun. We tried to play 13 (a Vietnamese card game) but none of us knew the rules for sure and my brother didn't believe us when my cousin and I said he couldn't do a certain move. So while he googled the rules, I decided to ask one of my Viet friends - Jay haha. He didn't know how to play, but we had a text convo about spring break and kings (the drinking card game) and how he should have a few drinks for me on Friday at his birthday party. He replied with this:

"I will x] next semester let's have fun!!! I'm not your RA, but your friend okay!?!?! Will mean a lot to me"

Again, I know I'm overthinking this but.. doesn't that sound like he means something more? Like he wanted to hang out and do stuff this year but couldn't because of his position? Idk. I guess we really are just friends. Or at least that's what I've reduced our relationship to (after not really talking to him for those few weeks after my embarrassing drunken vomiting night..).
If anything I made it more clear that we're just friends by saying of course, but that he'll have to help a FRIEND out and give me a ride haha.
Whatever, I'm over him. He's a great guy, but it's better that we're just friends, ya know? Besides, I'm down to party anytime. Especially next year when I'll be 21. And he'll be a graduate with a car. It just sounds like an all around good time lol. I can't wait.

Home.

What's the first thing I do when I get home for Spring Break?

Lay down on the couch, watch some Netflix, and take a nap.
<3

But I must admit that on the ride over here my thoughts kept wandering to him. To the fact that I won't see him for over a week, that I won't hear his laugh or see his smile or the glint in his pretty eyes, that I won't be able to just be around him. I thought of what he was doing at that moment and realized that he probably wasn't thinking of me because he was with her.
This week off should be a good thing. Maybe it'll take him off my mind..

Have a good week, all!

He just made my day.

I haven't been in a very good mood since last night but one stranger's compliment not too long ago definitely made my day. I walked into my residence hall and he said to me "You always look so nice when I see you. Last night your outfit looked great." How nice! Especially considering the fact that I felt like crap and thought I looked disgusting today.

His words made me feel amazing.
If only everybody gave another person a compliment every single day. The world would be a slightly better place.

Imagine Dragons - Rocks

My new, new favorite :) lol

I have no idea what I'm doing...

I had to go all the way to New York...

But it was totally worth it. I have my Twizzlers!!! I'm happy :D

My Favorite at the Moment

Imagine Dragons - Amsterdam <3

I can't express how much I love their album "Night Visions".. :D

Peter Parker

I like him. I do.

Happy Women's Day!!!

Eating pizza in the middle of the night like a bawssss. That's college life for ya.

Isolated Insomnia

I'm having one of those nights where I want to stay up all night long not doing much of anything other than surfing the internet, fall asleep during the sunrise, skip my classes, and just avoid everyone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to see any familiar faces. I want to isolate myself, I want to be alone. I'm not in a good mood at all. I just want to stay up all night and try to fight away the bad feelings (it probably wouldn't work, but it's a distraction, it's worth a shot). I don't quite know what happened. But I came back from work and I just hated the sight of everyone. There's something seriously wrong with me.

And I'm actually considering following through with my plan too... sigh...

And I'm very tempted to eat this 2.5 pound bag of M&M's I bought at work today.
Tonight is just not a good teeth for my teeth or my social skills or my mental state or my health and well-being as a whole, smh.

I also bought the Imagine Dragons album yesterday and it is AMAZING. Best buy of the day (sorry Passion Pit).

Gossamer

I was having a bad day so I did a little bit of shopping therapy.
:)

My new favorite dessert at the Cheesecake Factory.

The Godiva Brownie Sundae.
Mmmmmmmm...

Sticky Situation

I'd been saving this 2" bubblegum ball since the summer and I finally ate it last night. I could barely talk with it in my mouth, I got lightheaded trying to blow bubbles, and my I now have a sore jaw (it hurts when I open my mouth wide), but it was totally worth it... sort of haha.

Just watched three movies in a row with some of my closest friends.

Eventful Saturday night :)

A club I'm in had a table about Operation Beautiful today and I was feeling proactive so I made more out of my own free time and posted them around my Residence hall. Tell me why I found one ripped up on the floor of the elevator. What heartless asshole would ruin a perfectly sweet message that has the ability to brighten up at least one person's day? I don't know. Sometimes I seriously have doubts about people's intentions. That was just completely fucked up and uncalled for, smh. :(