Miming

I swear it's like I'm not even using my voice sometimes.
I talk but no one ever hears me. I never thought that I mumbled or that I was too soft-spoken, but apparently it's true. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me to repeat myself, I'd probably be rich.
It's so frustrating!! How did I end up this way? I mean, I might as well not be saying anything at all to save time.

But if I were mute, I'm sure people would be listening then, right?

Sad Realization

I've come to the realization that I will never be a model because I don't have a pretty face. I'm not beautiful. It'll never happen.

If I were being completely honest...

I'd say that I'm not okay with her hanging out with him. I named my teddy bear after him, for God's sake! She should know that when I say I'm over him, I'm really not. I'm not comfortable with them hanging out. And I realized not too long ago that probably the only reason why he's been acknowledging my existence more now is because he wants to get closer to her.
She's gorgeous, no doubt about it. I can try to boost up my self-esteem and say that I'm not so bad-looking myself, but let's be real. I'm nothing compared to her. None of the guys I like ever pay me any mind. Not her, she could literally have any guy she wants. But she wants him. Funny, because not too long ago she said that she was over her little crush on him, that he's not attractive at all. That was before when she had a boyfriend. And now? Well, now she's on the lookout for a new guy. Or maybe a play toy, I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it.

But you know what? After that incident two Thursdays ago I'm not that close to her anyway. So I don't care. I'm okay with it, with them. I'm fine, really.

Last night was awfully crazy...

I stayed up until 5 in the morning helping my friend Lizzie care for her roommate (and also my friend) Jess. Vomit and scares and Jay and trouble and laughs. But it made for one interesting night I certainly won't ever forget haha.

I've met some of the best, nicest people in the world here at school and I'm so glad they're such good friends of mine.
:)

Three Shots

Just three shots.

By myself.

I'm numb, I'm dizzy, but I'm talking a lot more.

I'm engaging. I'm interesting now.

But I drank by myself.

Pathetic. Depressing. Lonely.

Happy. Birthday. Me.

Another Depressing Thought of the Day

I will be turning 20 in a few days and, looking back on my life, I can't say that I'm particularly pleased with my life. I mean, I've done more than a few awesome things including winning championships in volleyball, modeling in fashion shows, graduating high school, singing in front of a crowd, and flying across the country by myself just to visit a friend. And I feel great about the many things I've done for my friends and family, gifts and whatnot. But I honestly can't say that I'm where I want to be in my life. It's hard to change. It'll take a lot of searching within myself, a lot of reflection. It'll take knowing that all the little things make a huge difference. It'll take an extra effort to be happy with my life.. because right now I'm not.

Depressing Thought of the Day

One day, I will have to watch as someone buries my dear parents or my brother or my dear friend. And I won't be able to do anything about it. The world won't stop, life will continue on. One day I will lose those I love most. Looking at how my parents age every day is yet another reminder of how dispensable each one of our lives really are. I am yet a grain of sand on the beach of the universe - minuscule, overlooked, unimportant. My life (and my death) essentially means nothing.

~~~~

Then, there's an up side to this too.
Without each single grain, there would be no beautiful beach of a universe. Each life is exactly so important because it adds to the rich plethora of moments and feelings and relationships that make up life.
There's a purpose for each one of our lives, no matter how bad they seem at the moment.
I just haven't found the reason for mine yet.
But I will.


Optimism. I will stay positive.
For me, 2013 officially starts tomorrow. I have something to look forward to: being reunited with Johnny, even if for a short time. I will have a good time and come back refreshed. In this new chapter of my life I will not chase Jay anymore - or any other guy for that matter. I will not let the sadness stick to me. I will live more, laugh more, and just be me.

So, in a way, I guess you could say that my resolution is to be happier. And it all starts tomorrow.
See you in a week! :)

Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful...

Smartphone

http://forlackofabettercomic.com/