Longer Than I Planned

Today, no tonight, I cried for the first time in a while. Not because of a dream. This is about real life. It was after I started talking to ...Star. She asked me what was wrong and I told her about how I felt sorta helpless. I was worried about other people. People who were feeling down and had no one to talk to. Then she said that she's felt lonely many times before and I felt even worse. Because no one likes knowing or even thinking that they could've done something when they didn't, no matter what the reason. It makes a person feel horrible. So I went upstairs seeking the comfort of my mother. I was debating on whether to tell her anything or not because for some reason I just wanted to see her. I wanted to be understood with no words exchanged. But that rarely ever happens so I just went into her room for some socks and lay on her bed. And I looked at her. And she asked me what was wrong but I just shook my head. So she said that I just came into her room to mock her and her sickness. She's in pain. I know it. My mother has Lupus. Her joints hurt often and there's not much any of us can do about it. At that point, watching her suffer, I got really emotional. But I held back my tears. I simply kissed her on the cheek and left the room without a word. Then I calmly went to the bathroom and cried quietly. I cried for my friends and my mom and my dad and how hard they work and for those people on sixbillionsecrets.com and for feeling so stupid and useless. After a few minutes I sucked it up and went back downstairs. I was half hoping that my father would look into my red eyes and ask what was wrong but at the same time when he asked me how to do something on the computer I stood behind him so he wouldn't see. I doubt he would do anything anyway. My father isn't that type of caring man.

So then I ended up talking to Star again. She worries me. A lot. I love her, I do. But the problem is she doesn't love herself. And she's sure she won't ever be able to love herself. I hope deep down in my soul that she's wrong. And if I believed in God, I'd pray deeply for it too. She needs to let someone in. She needs to go back, reflect on her life, and figure out why she thinks she can't love herself. Then she can act on it. Then she'll be able to love herself and live. I'm no therapist, but I've learned a few bits and pieces overtime and I think that's what she needs to do. She just needs to want to do it herself. One of these days...

So I'm sitting here thinking about all of this. About my family and those strangers on that website and my friends (the sick one, the lonely one, the one who can't love herself) and honestly, it makes me want to cry again. And I think I will. When I take a shower tonight I'm just going to let it all go. Then tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up determined as ever on helping those people. I may not be able to help the people suffering on sixbillionsecrets, but I can learn from them. I can learn how to be a better person. I can learn to love more and BE THERE more (I already have actually). I can help my parents more and spend time with my siblings more. I can look out for my friends more and ask them what's wrong. I can be a part of their lives more. I can and I will. That's my plan.

But then again, Star called me a hypocrite for thinking about others. It's true that part of the reason why I was crying in the bathroom was that my parents work hard for me and that my dad was telling me the other day that I won't graduate and that I'm starting to believe that I won't get to walk but not because of getting to school late or skipping school, because I'm failing precalculus honors and if I don't pass that class I'll probably have to take a summer class and not get my dipolma until the end of the summer. I was crying because all that I've worked for will have been ruined by one class. And I'll let down my family if I don't get to walk across that stage. It's true I was crying because I was worried about myself, but honestly, that all fades away when I think about my friends and my family. They're hurting much more than me. And if I can help in any way, it'll make my day. It'll make all that I've worked for... worthwhile. Because like I've said, all I want to do in life is change peoples' lives and be remembered. So technically I'm not a hypocrite. I do things for others and think about others for me, to make me feel useful in life. It sounds extremely selfish right now, but it's true.

And that's all I wanted to get off my chest right now. I'm going to finish talking to Star, struggle with these stupid precalc problems, attempt at other homework, cry in the shower, paint my nails, and get ready for a new day tomorrow. Bring it on life, I'm ready for whatever you throw at me and the ones I love. I'm here.

And btw, my mom just went to the hospital because her blood pressure is high. This is the second time. Part of me feels like it was the garlic tea she made a while ago, but another part of me feels like it could be serious too. We'll see. This reminds me of my other friend who's really sick. He should go to the hospital too. I hope he's okay. I hope they're both okay...

BC1: Day Twelve

Something people never compliment you on.

I can't really think of anything right now. I mean, recently I've gotten a few compliments that you don't hear everyday. Stuff like "You're so real" and "You have a heart of gold". And I love hearing that because hey, it makes me feel special. I mean, everybody loves getting compliments. Whether they show it or not, whether they believe it or not, it's nice to hear. I admit I love compliments, but I don't really get upset when people don't notice it or anything. I don't know.
It's really only times when I actually try to impress people (with my outfits or my hairstyles or something) when I notice if they don't compliment me. Otherwise, I don't really give a flip if they compliment me or not.

:)

Birthday Wishes

As some of you may know my birthday is coming up fairly soon. I wanted this year's to be amazing, everything that I hoped for. Then again, if I hype it up too much and it doesn't turn out the way I hoped, I'll just get disappointed... so I'll just have to have fun no matter what I do! :D

There's only a few things that I want to do this year. I'd like to go to Sephora and get a makeoverrrr (yay!), go karaoke-ing with my friends, and eat at Pour House. I'm still not sure about karaoke right now because I'm still broke D: but we'll see. Hopefully I'll get some birthday money... and after getting extremely late christmas gifts, I hope I can go out and celebrate with my friends :) Maybe we'll just go clubbing ;) WOOOOOOOOT! ♥
Then again, my mom said that she's gonna take me to a photoshoot so I can have pictures for when I audition for modeling, but honestly I don't trust half the things my mom says. She rarely keeps her promises. I know she would love to do everything she says, but if you can't stay committed to it, don't bother saying it at all.
Oh yea! And I hope Malcolm will be able to get those tickets to the Robyn concert on Feb 4th. I love Robyn's music! It'd be so awesome, my first concert. I desperately hope...

And yes, I have a list of things that I would love to get. Maybe I'll have money for them after my birthday. Or when I get a job (I am determined to get some sort of income this year *grrrr*).

• Boy Meets World DVD set
• Domo
• Sailor hat (I think Lexy already got that for me, yay!)
• Spatula and measuring cup for baking
• Rollercoaster Tycoon
• Candy ♥
• 'Angry Girls' wallet (http://www.newburycomics.com/rel/v2_viewupc.php?storenr=103&upc=103-1185159NEWBU)
• Cyanide & Happiness plushie (I think Frank already got that for me too)
• iTunes/music store gift card
• Chipotle gift card
• Lush gift card (http://www.lushusa.com/shop ; this store is amazing btw)
• Spirited Away DVD
• Edible arrangements gift basket (yumm, fruit!)

Other things would be to visit Malcolm in Texas, but he's moving back soon anyway so that's out. And to come to school and find a gift in my locker. This is gonna be my last year with an actual school locker so it's my last chance to get it crossed off my list haha. We'll see...

So all of this was about me listing out what I want. I don't actually need any of it, but it would just be nice. Even if none of this happens, I'll still be glad because, hey I would have survived one more year! And of course I'll still be with my friends and family. That's really all I need. Kay, I'm off to read. Byeeee!

Until next blog...

BC1: Day Eleven

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Well I've gotten a few compliments on my clothes (not many). And I've gotten compliments when I play volleyball, but I swear I'm nothing compared to certain other players... Lot's of people compliment me on my cleanliness, but I know a couple people think it's just OCD lol. I get compliments on my handwriting too. And I've recently gotten compliments on my singing. But I think I get the most compliments on my creativity and art stuff. Whether I'm drawing something for someone or I make a poster assignment look cool, people like my artistic-ness :)

What I love most about it is that it just comes naturally for me.
Hehehe.
♥

Morning Tears

Beautiful dreamer,
Wake unto me.
Starlight and dewdrops
Are awaiting thee.

This morning sometime around 5am I woke up.
And I was crying.

In the dream I was having I was crying, like seriously bawling, and I guess it must've been too much emotional stress because I woke up and actual tears were sliding down my cheeks. Has that ever happened to you before? This was the second time for me.
I don't dream a lot (or it may just be that I don't remember most of my dreams) but when I do have them, they're usually intense, some the good kind and others the bad kind. So the first time this happened I was dreaming that my friend Frank died. I don't remember how but in the dream I broke down crying and I woke up crying too. Frank means a lot to me. Although we don't see each other or talk much anymore because he's busy with college and work, he's still considered a dear friend to me. So when I woke up I was almost in shock. I texted him right away haha. Sooner or later I fell back asleep and when I woke up he replied saying that he loved me lol. That jerk haha. We had a nice little convo about it. And of course I was glad to know that he was still alive :)
But anyway, the dream I woke up from this morning was different. I was in school in class sitting next to Vicky. We were talking... well, it was more like me talking to her. I was trying to start a convo. Eventhough she kept giving me short answers, I kept at it. I asked her what she had for breakfast. I know she doesn't eat much so I said that I would make her breakfast and stuff but out of nowhere she flips out at me saying that she didn't want any of my burnt eggs (the proper term is overcooked actually; this was probably because of my friend Thomas, he's "teaching" me how to cook and last week I tried making an omelet but I accidentally burned the onions and sausage and overcooked the eggs, it was a complete fail...) and tells me to leave her alone. I was really hurt so I tell her "Fine. Fuck you, bitch!" and everyone in the class gave me an applause. I got up to leave the room, but right before I walked out the door I opened a half gallon carton of milk and throw it on the ground at her. (Don't ask me why I had it, I just did lol.) So I left and I started running down the hall crying. I saw Lexy at the end of the hall so I ran to her and hugged her. I was bawling on her shoulder and we both sunk to the ground. And she held me and tried to console me. And then I woke up. And like the little traitors they are, tears were on my face.
That was the second time I cried so far this year *sigh*
I know that recently there's been a bit of tension between Vicky and I. I had her waiting downtown in the cold earlier this week. I still feel really bad about it. Even Friday when I was waiting in Ms. Santos' room for a friend, it was awkward. We didn't talk much :(
I hope it doesn't last too long. Though me hiding from her on AIM probably isn't helping either...
But back to the main topic, now that I think about it, this has happened once before. It was a really long time ago when I was a kid. I had this dream that my brother Malcolm died. And I'm sure by now people know how much he means to me. I was terrified because he was away at college and I couldn't be sure it was real or now. So I went to my parents' room crying and I told my mom what happened. And she was like "So what? It's just a dream", which didn't really help but she let me stay in their room anyway.
Moms. Can't live with them, can't live without them.
But yea, dreams like that are really scary. There's always that moment of bewilderment when you're not sure what's real and what was part of the dream. But in the end, for me, the dream is like a reality check. It teaches me not to take my friends or family, those who matter most to me, for granted.

Tears can be very revealing...
Good morning :)

2011, The Start of Something New

It's really late, but happy new year heheheh.
Fina11y a senior, fina11y tunrning 18 (very soon *wink*). I'm lovin it.
Have fun guys! ♥

Until next blog...