Monday, October 10, 2011

Trying to Sum Up My Feelings...

It's one in the morning, my parents are sleeping in their room, my brother and sister both went out and I'm here at home in my room on my laptop. I'm sure listening to this depressing piano music isn't helping but I feel almost as if.. a piece of me is dying inside. That sounds pretty drastic, I know. Maybe I should say.. I feel as if this stillness in the house will never end. And that sort of scares me. Every time I come home I end up having a moment to myself where I just feel absolutely alone. This room that I've lived in for 18 years has turned into a storage room for my sister. Yes, all my stuff is still up on the walls and in my shelves and everything but it doesn't feel the same. Even though no one has slept in it, this bed is no longer my bed. That's how it feels at least. And today I realized that I started calling my dorm room home. It was like a smack in the face haha.
Earlier I was looking at a bunch of old pictures from the last year or so and it all feels like a dream, you know? I can remember what was happening in each of those pictures but it feels so distant. Like a dream. Like my life is passing by before my eyes. Like at the end of the day I can't smile because nothing I've done has brought me true happiness.... That's a lie. I'm proud of a lot of things I've done. Though I can't say that I smile every night. I don't smile much at all anyway. That's sad.

Ramble ramble ramble.
Basically I'm describing this lost feeling I have now. Just another stage in life I guess. The question is when will I get back on track? And how? When will I be able to look back at all those photographs and memories and not feel like I've lost anything, like I lost a whole other life?

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