Sunday, February 21, 2010


Shoot me noooowwwww! I'm in pain. Menstrual pain. I don't care who knows it right about now. It's a warning not to get on my nerves lol. Or I'll rip your head off lmao!
Omg. But seriously. Rip out my uterus, I'm sure it'd be a lot less painful then what I'm feeling now haha. JUST KIDDING. But I took some Ibuprofen and it's not working >:\
I can't concentrate on my homework like this :(
And the party should be starting soon. Uh-oh. I'm screwed. I screwed myself...

Hey! Last night I dreamed about going back to school. I walked all the way around and went up the other stairwell just to avoid seeing Goofy while walking up the cafeteria stairs. I went to sit at a different table in the senior caf because the junior tables on the other side were occupied by different college displays (I wonder why I dreamed about that, hmmm...). There was a huge display for the BC recruiters (again, I wonder why....). So I went over to sit with my Haitian friends haha. And I sat down but all of a sudden the person I was sitting behind turned around... and it was Goofy. I swear he wasn't there before lol. So I said hi, but he kept staring at me giving me that stupid look. So I just said what. Then the person sitting next to him turned around. And it was Ruth! So I gave her a hug and asked her how college life was (I saw Hampster behind her at another table mouthing the questions for me to ask, I don't know why). She told me that she was recruiting for her school... and then I woke up. Just thought I'd put that in there. Since I don't have dreams often and when I do have dreams, they don't usually have people I know in them :)

Anywho, that's not all I wanted to talk about. I wanted to say that this spring I'm going to be wearing a lot more skirts. Skirts are pretty. And with my $25 gift card from H&M I can definitely get a cute one. The only problem is that I feel like pretty much everything in that store is meant to be worn with leggings... but I don't own any. So I could either get a skirt and wear it with stockings or spandex shorts ;) or just find a skirt that's a decent length. We'll see. Their clothes are cute, but I feel like I can't just leave that place with one article of clothing. I have to get an entire outfit lol.
So, in summary, I feel like scratching someone's eyes out and less jeans and more skirts this spring and summer. Yay! lol :)


So since I'm going to be up for a while doing homework, I might as well update my blog. It was getting a little dusty haha. So this past week was... a lot. I had fun hanging out with my friends and family. The movies, laser tag, Bertucci's, shoe shopping, Taboo, bowling, the mall. It was great. But at the end of each day that dreading feeling came crawling back. I procrastinated, as usual. I always say that I'll get stuff done, that I'll start over fresh, but I never do. It's always the same. I gotta get it together! This is junior year. I'm supposed to be at my academic peak! Instead, it feels like this is my worst year yet.
I spent a good chunk of my vacation making gifts for other people. I don't know why. I could've been starting my Latin project or researching for my History presentation or typing my extra credit paper for Chemistry or catching up on English, but I didn't. Somehow making other people happy is valued more than getting good grades or doing my work on time. I don't know. It doesn't even make sense to me anymore.
Right now, I feel like a chubby little kid is sitting on my chest. Not like I can't breath, but like I have a heavy heart. Which is odd because I'm not sad. Maybe it's just that dreading feeling coming back again.
I was looking through colleges earlier and I realized that the two colleges that I really like are both Ivy Leagues. And that worried me. I have no idea what my GPA is right now and I'm scared to find out. I thought I was smart. SCRATCH THAT. I know I'm smart, but at certain times (like now, past midnight still trying to do work) it's not apparent even to me. So in summary, my vacations are always good then bad. Fun, then I beat myself up for not doing work earlier.

And The Script is on the radio now. On Kiss 108. I love that band! But if Kiss ruins it by overplaying them, I think I'm gonna hafta beat someone up.
Ugh. Well, I better get reading. Before my dad comes home from work and adds more days to my "punishment". Before my Grandma's 82nd birthday party tomorrow (thanks mom for not telling me it was gonna be at our house). Before I have a mental breakdown. Before I get off topic and start thinking about Goofy. Before I really feel the effects of a heavy heart. Before I go eat some cold pizza in the kitchen... *NOM NOM NOM*
Too late... :)

Monday, February 15, 2010

Untitled: Reflections, Part II

We need more of it in the world... or do we?
I was going to write about my Twinn and how I want to be more like her, selfless. But now that I think about it, I don't. When I think of the word selfless, I think of giving yourself up to others, all of yourself (not sexually! lol). You always lay your heart on the line when you do things for others. And in a utopia, that would be fine, but this is the real world we're living in. In the real world, people hurt and abuse others. In the real world, people have trust issues. In the real world, people are paranoid. When a person does a selfless act, others might think that there are hidden motives behind it. And sometimes there will be.
But with Twinn, her kindness comes from her heart. It's practically linked directly to it. And she tries to do good and make others smile, but every once in a while someone comes along and breaks her heart. And she hurts and she cries. And when she hurts, I hurt. I even cried today. Funny how one person can make me bawl my eyes out, but a movie like The Notebook can only get me misty eyed haha.
So that's why I don't think being selfless is very useful anymore. Instead, I'll try being more caring. I don't think the world's ready for selfless people yet. For now, I think being caring is good enough. Care for others with all your heart, with good intentions, but care for yourself also. Because when you get hurt, other people hurt. Maybe that'll stop the cycle...

Yeah, so that's what I'm changing my New Years resolution to. I forget what it was before, but now I'm changing it to "be more caring."
I think I'm doing a good job. Being friends with people like Ninja and Twinn, it definitely rubs off lol. Ninja told me earlier that both he and Twinn find me selfless. I don't see why. I'm nothing compared to them. Ninja, he helps people whenever he can. Whether it's helping them out with Chemistry or practicing volleyball with them, he adds more to his workload for others. And I truly admire him for that. Not so much for him being busy all the time, but for helping others any way he can. Not only has he helped me understand classwork a few times, but he went out of his way to get Youtube videos to make sure I got it. He does so much...
I will repay him somehow one of these days. I just constantly try to keep him in my mind. Watching, hoping that I'll be able to help him out in some way, big or small. He's a good person, a great person! He just needs to be reminded sometimes haha :)
And Twinn. She's the most selfless person I know. Which in fact, is quite refreshing in the modern day world. I really admire her. She inspires me to become a better person (and Ninja too). I've been reading her blogs. And she cares way too much. Yes, it's wonderful to do things out of your heart for others, but like I said, she gets hurt. She thinks she hurts other people and she beats herself up about it. Twinn, there's nothing wrong with you! It's other people. It's the world lol. I feel like I should hide you away from the world, but we all need to grow up sooner or later. You have to face the world. You need to learn on your own that some things are worth worrying about and others aren't. Like me! lol. I know you said that I'm your first priority. But you should know that my mood swings are short. Like that app on Facebook, My Personality. I took a test and they said, "Based on your responses, you come across as someone who is rarely bothered by things, and when they do get you down the feeling does not persist for very long." So there's no need to worry about me! The whole point of me making a blog was to express my feelings. To rant and vent when I needed to. But now that I have three of my friends following my blog, I guess I should filter what I say because it worries people haha. Just know that if I'm sad or confused, it won't last long!
I love my Twinn so much... (JIFLY!!!!!!! no amount of exclamation points can show how much I love you lol) It hurts me to know she's hurting. And that goes both ways haha. There's that twin mentality. It's a wonder how so much love can be packed into such a little girl. It just goes to show you that there are wonderful things to be found in this world. I'm so lucky to have met her. She means so much to me, you've got no idea.

So where was I? Oh right. Being more caring. I'm going to put my whole heart in things I do. Which I sort of already do... but I'm starting it again with more fervor lol. It links to one of my goals in life too. I want to brighten someone's day each and every day. I'm sure being more caring would brighten more than one person's day :) Who knows?
I always want to help. And to me, the simplest way of helping someone is by making them smile. I try to put a smile on all my friends faces. And I sort of accomplished my goal with Vtang. She's said that I really helped her get over... I don't see how or why, but it's nice to know. She's happier now :)
But she was right. I shouldn't have read the rest of her blog. I realize that my friends and I use these blogs like journals and diaries. We put all our emotions and thoughts out there for everyone to see. And we hurt each other. The truth hurts. And I want to tell Vtang the truth, but I'd rather not hurt her. She's already happy. Apparently I'm the cause of that. So I don't want to be the end of it either. But then again. If it's not only hurting me, if it's affecting others too, should I say something? No. I won't. I can't. One person's already been hurt. No point in hurting another. I've explained to the other affected person, the best I can. In the end, Ninja's right. We shouldn't be reading each others' minds. We were never meant to.
But sometimes we have to get hurt to learn...
I will say one thing though. Vtang, you're definitely not unlikeable! You contradicted yourself lol. If "multiple guys have confessed that they like you and asked you out or had your friends hint to you that they liked you and asked you out," that proves that guys do like you like that! ;)

Last but not least, fiancee. She definitely means a lot to me. I don't know how it happened, how we came to be friends, but we are... and she's hurting. And like I said, it hurts me to know a friend is hurting. Out of everyone, it's with her I try my hardest. I try to cheer her up, to help her get through it all. But again, like I said, I feel like I'm not making a difference. I hope I am. She said that she's sort of afraid that when she does feel like healing, I'll already be gone. I'm not going anywhere. Though I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. Look what happened with me and my bestie...
But I'm here now with new restored faith. And I truly believe that if I want something bad enough, I'll get it. I will help you through you're depression and you will love yourself if it's the last thing I do. (You too Twinn!!) I care about you, that's why I helped you do your turnitin rather than doing mine. You deserve a whole lot more than what you get. Because I know deep down inside what's waiting to come out, what kind of person you can be. You just need help getting there. That's what I'm here for.

So let's get things straight. Just to sum it up, we all need two things: to care for others (and act on it), and to love ourselves -- girls especially. Girls (you know who you are), you need to love yourselves. Because when you love yourselves, you can build confidence, when you have confidence, you can do anything. Believe in yourselves, you can make a difference (you've definitely already made a difference in my life).
I mean, you say that people should love others for all of who they are, the good and the bad, but what about yourself? Yes, it's easy to find faults in yourself, but make sure you can find good things too! Like, yes, I hate my big nose and my big feet and my big hands and my OCD and my controlfreak-ness, but I love my lips and my height (sometimes) and my heart, for loving and caring so much. My heart, it's going out to all my friends. But especially the followers of my blog. You guys should know... I'm here. I care. I love you.
Now love yourselves :)

Untitled: Reflections

Something's wrong with me, but I don't know what. I'm not happy and I don't know why. Is it Goofy? Is it change?

I. Don't. Know.

But it's hurting my heart. I can feel it breaking. I can feel the tears swelling in my eyes. What's wrong with me?

Is it all my emotions finally breaking out? I said that my thoughts were gonna eat me alive, but I didn't think it would hurt this bad.

It sucks not knowing. I mean, I'm supposed to know myself the best, right? Then why can't I figure out what's going on in my own mind?

I want to talk about it, but I'm trusted to keep a secret. Not to mention I can't figure things out for myself. If I don't know, how are others supposed to help?

"Don't leave me alone with my thoughts cuz they'll eat me alive. This is gonna be a lonnnnnggggg week."

Untitled: Le Week-end

My thoughts have been all over the place this morning. And like a hunter in the woods, I missed one step and my thoughts scattered away. I try to grab hold of them again, but I'm left with a vague memory of what was. So if I remember a thought, I'll quickly type it up.

I never got a chance to say... happy valentine's day all! and happy new years asians! lol Saturday I finally got that mani/pedi with my mom. I didn't get my eyebrows done, but that's okay. I sorta like them the way they are anyway. I absolutely love the color I chose. It's an awesome orangey-pink :)
Yesterday I went to the movies with Vtang and Splinter (Jenn). I had a lot of fun. When I gave Splinter her monkey she felt guilty lol. I don't see why. I wanted to get her something. But yea, she begged to go to Macy's to get me something. And I came home with a body frosting stencil thing kit and the words kiss me in strawberry goo on my face haha. Though the movies weren't that entertaining (Valentine's Day and Dear John), I still had fun. I realized that Splinter has a slightly dirty mind. Hmmmmm lol.
The funniest part of Valentine's Day was of the Taylors. And I didn't cry to Dear John. I don't get it. Sawah told me she bawled her eyes out to that movie. But then again, maybe it's just me. The only movie I've ever cried to was A Walk to Remember. And that was only a few tears. I didn't cry to The Notebook either thought I was close. I mean, it's a movie. It's not real. But I know it's supposed to move me.
Sometimes I feel like a robot. My emotions are somewhere deep down inside, I just don't know how to let them out. Or I don't want to...
Anyway, yesterday morning my mom gave me some Lindt chocolate. Dark chocolate... with a touch of sea salt. Ugh. It was okay at first, but then I started tasting little grains of salt *bleck* Salt doesn't belong in chocolate (unless you're making brownies). I don't care what kind of salt it is... smh.

Hahaha. All yesterday I kept forgetting that it was Valentine's Day. I guess I was having too much fun with my friends :)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Thinking Thinking...

These thoughts are going to eat me alive.

Last night I went to bed on time (according to my punishment), but my dad wasn't even here to make sure that I was following the rules. That really pisses me off. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to say that last night fiancee and I talked on the phone for an hour lol. Good times :)<3
And I did get to paint my nails like I wanted.

But yea. This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought of was what I learned yesterday... and then I thought about how I fell asleep with my iPod on (it was still on playing music haha). And then I went downstairs to make pancakes like I told fiancee I would (they taste good, but now I'm not in the mood for them. they upset my stomach... and we still have tons of batter left!). All while I was making them, I kept thinking about... it.
I've come to the decision that I really don't know how I feel about it. I definitely don't not approve like someone thought I would. I mean, yea. It's been obvious way before yesterday that they belong together.
Hmmm. It sort of reminds me of freshman year. I was great friends with her, but then he came along. And he was cool, but it was awkward. And overtime I hung out with her less. But in a way it's completely different. Because now I'm great friends with both of them.

Like I wrote in my status, "yes, a promise is a promise." I promise things won't change. I mean, it's not like I want them to! :)
But I can't help how I feel. And you guys shouldn't worry about me! You belong together, don't let me hold you back. Third wheel or not, I'm still friends with you! You guys are too important to me. I don't want to lose you either :)

...will they?

Just like with Goofy, only time will tell.

These thoughts are going to eat me alive.

Friday, February 12, 2010

"Woah!" The Not-So Short Story

Today was a very long day. Full of surprises, laughs, and chocolate! Haha.
Where to start, where to start?
(Oh! Btw, that "snowstorm" was a complete joke. Such a disappointment...)
Last night. I went to the Y and then came home. I planned on finishing a week's worth of online Chemistry homework, making all the notes for my Valentine's day gifts, and then paint my nails (just for a nice little change)... but of course, nothing went as planned. At first the masteringchem was easy, but then it just got worse and worse. I thought I had a good idea of what I was doing, but there were a bunch of bullish questions that threw me off and they took forever to do. So it came to be 9:30 or 10 and my dad came into my room and asked me when, according to my punishment, was I supposed to get off my laptop. 9, nine o'clock. So he added three more days to my previous 2 weeks of punishment. I just think that's total bullshit (yes, I said it this time). Like, all this week I've been on my laptop past 9 and I went to bed past 11 (though I do get home by 5 -- btw, my parents get home by 6 or 7! wth?! how do they know if I got home on time or not?). My dad didn't say shit! And now he wants to enforce the stupid "punishment"? Absolute bull. It's ridiculous! I made ONE MISTAKE and I'm gettin completely shitted on for it. AGHHH!!!
But anyway, back to the story. It got to like 11 and I didn't want to get in trouble again so I decided to call it quits for the night and wake up really early to get the masteringchem and the V-day notes done. I set my alarm for 3:30 and went to sleep.
I woke up on time and started working again, but then I heard noises and realized that my dad hadn't left for work yet (he usually leaves at 3... or I thought he did). So I had to pretend I was sleeping so that I wouldn't get in trouble. I hid under my covers. And fiancee called me to wake me up, like I asked her to. She called like 6 times lol. Thanks! I didn't actually think you'd go through all that trouble! :D *mushy heartfelt moment*
But yeah, my dad took too long to leave so I stupidly fell back asleep -_-
And I woke up to my mom coming in my room telling me that it was 6 o'clock, I was gonna be late for school, and that she wasn't giving me a ride -_-""
Just great. I was so mad! I didn't finish my chemistry homework (or any other homework for that matter) or the notes! ...And I was going to miss my bus! So I brushed my teeth, splashed water on my face, dressed, chugged an chocolate energy milkshake, and left to catch the next bus.
So far, my dad was going horribly! I got to school just minutes late. Sighhh. Throughout the day I had to write all my V-day notes in class and hand them out to people. English was strangely fun. I was so ready to get in the debate, but I didn't get the chance to argue :\
Sub for History (hung out with the Haitians! whoo!). Another debate in Latin. Probably barely passed that chemistry test. During lunch, I gave Bandit his gift. He's so cute! He got me a chocolate rose haha. Didn't do so well on the Algebra test. Gave Goofy his gift (and my confession) in the hall. And I didn't do any work at all in French.
So yea, I had a horrible school day... but somehow, I was happy. I kept smiling and laughing. Maybe it was because it's Friday or because vacation is finally here... or even because I finally confessed to one of my crushes. I don't know.
After school, I went to go eat with Twinn, Ninja, and his friends. Eagle is a funny guy lol. He reminds me of Mason *daydream, teardrop*
And I'm surprised by how much Xuong can eat O_O And he's a freakin toothpick! lol.
While getting the candy of the week (which was Tridaent Layers -- with real fruit flavor! *cheesy smile*) at CVS, I saw some old people from middle school. Xavier looks so old! Omg... *teardrop*
Yeah. I had fun. And walking to the train station I told Ninja bout the situation (JERSEY SHORE!!!) with Goofy. We're close now, so I feel like I can tell him bout stuff like that too. He better know how much this means to me!* If I tell you about my crushes, that's when you know I trust you.
Yeah. Blah blah blah. Went home. Yadda yadda. Tong invited me to go eat pizza with her, Sawah, and Thomas. But my dad being the douchebag he is wouldn't let me go -_-
I don't think he's going to let me go anywhere over vacation :(
We'll see. That's it. That was my day. I found out another major secret too, but I won't talk about it. What goes on in the trio, stays in the trio... that sounds wrong lol. Forget it haha.
Let's hope come Monday I'll forget all about Goofy and ____. Let's hope I can move on. Today was a good start, let's keep it going.
Vacation, here I come! (Let's hope I actually do my work, too lol)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Calm Before the Storm (Literally)

Okayyyyy. So yesterday afternoon I had an AIM convo with my sister-in-law. And she convinced me to go ahead with my plan for Friday, my plan to confess to Goofy. Whooo! Soon after I decided to go along with it, I started shaking. I'm so nervous about it! Like seriously. I didn't even write the note yet, and I was shaking just thinking about it. *Chiiiiiccccckkkkkeeeennnnnn*
Sigh. I should really learn to take my own advice. "Do something that scares you every day." This sure as hell scares me, but I'm going to do it. I mean, the worst that could happen is either he shows the note to the rest of the guys or he gives it all back to me. That's not too bad, is it? For someone who has never confessed to a crush, yes. Yes it is. That would probably break me. But hey, at least I have vacation to get over it! :)
Right now, I'm not sure whether I'm shaking because it's cold or because I'm thinking about Friday...
Remember that quote I used before? "It's about telling someone how you feel regardless of what you get back, and not waiting to find out if they want you or not." That, right there, is my inspiration, my encouragement. Who knows? Maybe after all this, I'll finally be able to move on. I'll be able to see ____ and Goofy together and not feel hurt. He's had my heart for too long now. It's time for me to take it back :)

What else? Today was pretty good. After school I was supposed to go to the Y, but I went to the track meet instead. Partly for the seniors who were running. I've never been to a track meet before and it could be their last. Not to mention, Babycakes being there was a plus lol. So I stayed for like an hour, but didn't get to see Biceps run :(
In that time, I saw Van and her boyfriend :D
And I played TapTap. And then ____ came with Lihn and sat behind us (us being Twinn, Ninja, and Babycakes). Then later Goofy and Ironman and Dimples and Emmi came along and sat next to them. No comment on that. It's just that I know _____'s cool and all that but I don't think we'll every be good friends. Maybe I just gotta know her better... but do I really wanna make that huge effort just to be friends with the girl my crush likes? I don't think so.
Anywho, after we left we went to CVS in Chinatown and I got a gift for my friend. It's perfect! It's so cute! I wanna keep it for myself lol. Yea. And my phone's working again. Whoooo! And when I got home my dad told me that he saw me downtown LOL. Awkward much?

Last but not least, there's NO SCHOOLLL TOMORROOWWWWW!!!! Yesss! I was hoping to finish the rest of my homework tonight, but I think I'm going to watch some Youtube videos instead lol.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Calm Before the Storm

So today was an okay day. I woke up late, but fortunately got to school on time :)
I got my hair wrapped after getting my hair done yesterday so in the morning it was nearly impossible to fix. My solution: wear a beanie. It works like a charm... until a teacher tells you to take it off. After which you proceed to put it up in a slightly messy, yet cute ponytail. LOL.
I didn't get all my homework done last night (I wonder why... hmmm. Maybe it was because I left it all to do on Sunday afternoon? Sighhh), but I'm hoping to get a good start on my work today. Lots to do. I havbe a history test tomorrow, which is open notes, but we have to write an essay. I haven't really been paying attention in class, but I did take notes. I hope I do well...
Other than that, I still have to finish those damned Sparknotes for English. I'm so mad at myself when it comes to that class. It's AP. Of course it's hard work, but I don't do any work. It's a lot to read, yes. But we have no tests, ever. You'd think I'd be able to handle that, but no. I'm gonna fail this term, I know it. It's sad. I want to be a doctor, a researcher in medicine, but if I can't do this simple work, if I can't get it together and do the work, how will I ever achieve my dream? Sighh.
Yea, after school I went to Stop and Shop and bought some stuff >:)
I hope I have time to make snickerdoodles tonight. They make people happy and I already told people that I was gonna make some. I don't wanna let the fans of my cookies down haha. What else? I bought some... things for my V-day gifts :)
I'm so excited about those! It's such a good idea! Expensive, but still it's from my heart. I'm still debating on whether I should confess to Goofy with my gift on Friday or not. I don't know!!! D:
Real quick because I have to do homework. Ummm. Wow. I got work to do. I still have to apply for that program. And scholarships. And homework. And all those things I planned with my friends (I'm running out of money! Agh!). And all those Christmas gifts I meant to give people... Sigh; One thing at a time. One thing at a time...

But yea. Last thing before I go do work. I just wanted to comment on Saturday's post lol. Yea, I did break down a little bit, but I think I'm fine now. I think. I'm not overwhelmed or anything. But I think if I see ____ and Goofy together again, I might break again. I don't know. Maybe I'm just holding it all in again. It still hurts, but I didn't see him today so, who knows?
Time. I'm, sure time with heal things, my heart. Until then, I'll just have to keep smiling. Today was a good start.

Oh yea! Another last thing I'd like to share. Yesterday was so weird. I was eating constantly O_O And then I had a huge craving for sweets, more specifically, cake. So I tried eating some icing, but that was gross. Then I realized that I had some left over frosting. So I dipped some Cookie Crisp in there and ate it (that was good). Then I tried some frosting on white bread. Omg. I was ashamed of myself for giving in to my craving so much, but it really wasn't all that bad! Lol! It sort of tasted like cake! I had a couple slices, that's what I was shocked at. Then later I had a salad. Sort of for making up for all that sweet stuff (that was so gross! I had to force myself to finish it *bleck*). And then later I had another slice of bread with frosting, smh. Did I mention that I had an addiction to candy/sweets?
One thing I learned from that. It was sort of a binge and purge thing. I ate a whole bunch of sweets, then made up for it by eating a salad. I even wanted to go to the gym today! There's just another example of me being a control freak. I hate it when my brother analyzes me. Yes, it's nice to know, but you don't need to keep calling me out on it. He says I'm going to be anorexic -_-"
No, I'm not anorexic or ever will be but I hate how he's right about my control problem. Sighhh lol. Kay, bye! :D

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Overview, Part II

Today, Saturday. Yesterday night I went to bed at 9. I woke up at 9. 12 hours of glorified sleep, mmmmmmm...
I ate cereal, then watched videos. Degrassi was sooooo cute! And Modern Family was HI-larioussss! Then I worked on "the farm" (that took a lot longer than expected). I had a plan to blog, then do homework, then leisure read, but that's not what happened at all. Come 2 pm, my brother Malcolm told me he was boooorrrreeedddd. And that he wanted to do something. We ended up bowling lol. I had a pretty good time. But right at the end, I got upset again. Maybe it was because I didn't get the toy I wanted from the arcade or maybe it was thinking about couples... but I was not happy at all going back home.

Right now, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I played some music. But I realize that listening to music can soothe my soul, but it will never heal my heart.
Maybe it's just February and the fact that V-Day is coming up soon, but my generally happy mood has been deteriorating nearly everyday now. I'm even fighting more with my parents O_O
I had an AIM convo with fiancee a while ago and she asked me "how are you? with ____ and Goofy, I mean". And I had no idea what she was talking about. I mean, they're not going out... though I have seen them together...
But anyway! We had a semi-argument about what I'm doing (cherishing the moments I have with Goofy, etc.) and pretty much ever since then, I've been falling apart. Ever so slowly, piece by piece, I'm breaking down. In the convo, it sounded like she wanted me to breakdown. Seriously. So I'm blaming all this on her. Yes, I would've gotten hurt either way, but I still would've been behind a mask of an acceptance of things. Right now, the mask is torn of and I can't pretend that I'm okay with everything anymore.
I'm not okay with seeing ____ and Goofy hang around together. And I'm not okay with seeing her around anymore. Yes, she's a nice person, but I can't stand it knowing that she stole his heart without even doing anything. And I'm not okay with ____ constantly reminding me about the horrible breakup between her and ____. I'm not okay with her telling me half-delusional/jealously-driven stories about ____ and ____. Like, YES! I see it too! I hang out with them all the time! Don't you think it hurts me too? I understand. I heard both of you guys' stories. I get it. You hurt each other and without even knowing it, you're hurting me too. I'm not okay with any of it! My god! Is that what you wanted fiancee? For me to finally break down?! To see me cry while writing this? I don't get it? Does it give you pleasure? Or were you really just concerned about me? I still don't see how forcing me to break is gonna help my situation. It'll be a lonnnngggg time before I get over Goofy. And probably even longer before I get over that other complicated love triangle.

Sighhh; So I don't know what else to say... But I have a few thoughts I wrote down in statuses from the past couple of weeks...
"____, I hear what you're saying, but my feelings won't change. I think I have to get my heart broken in order to learn."
"I can think of 100 songs to explain how I feel about you, but none of them will ever mean a thing if you don't hear the words from my mouth."
"When February come around, the PDA level shoots through the roof! Gross. I dread the 14th every year."
"Things are a lot easier said than done. I can't turn away now, no matter how much it hurts."
"Value life because one, there are people a lot less fortunate than you and two, people are amazing and have the ability to do incredible things. Keep black history month in mind."
"I should be happy for the both of them... but I'm not. Everytime someone brings it up, I break a little more."

Ugh. I feel like Tingtong. She recently... ummm, broke down? Because of Dimples and his... interest. But she's happy or happier now. I'm not. I wonder if I'll ever be. I sort of blame my problem on hanging out with asians too mush, haha. I laugh, but I'm serious. The more I hang out with them, the more I get into their drama. The more I find guys I like, who I'll never be with (mainly because of height :P ). But yea. Ugh. So many problems. So much heart break. I try to just smile, like Goofy says, but I know now that it really isn't that simple...

Smiling is hard when you're heart is broken.

Oh. And I'm debating on whether I should still confess to Goofy or not. I mean, his heart belongs to another girl, what I say won't affect that. But it could affect our relationship. I don't want him to avoid me because of that. I still want to be his friend. I still want to hang out with him like we did before... Should I continue with it? Because I had this plan for V-Day, but I really don't want it to effect what we have... or what's left of it... not that we ever had anything.


Since I haven't blogged in foreverrrr and there's a lot to catch up on, I'll just do a quick overview of the past two weeks. And then I'll talk about my day today and my current mood.

Monday, Jan 25th -- It was not a good day at all. I wanted to be anywhere other than at school. I had a huge project due in AP English (which I still didn't do -_-") and all throughout class I had this tortured look on my face. Just knowing that I didn't do my work made me feel horrible. Even fiancee noticed my mood. Actually, it says something to me that she was the only person who noticed something was wrong... But anyway, it was bad so that night I decided to execute my skip school plan.

Tuesday, Jan 26th -- The night before, I kept telling my parents that my stomach didn't feel good. Then that morning I woke up and pretended to still be in pain. I got extra sleep, but overall didn't do much homework. Overall, I felt slightly less stressed, but come 8 pm, all my worries came rushing back again.

Wednesday, Jan 27th -- Don't remember. All I remember is Ninja tellin me that I looked less stressed than on Monday lol. I didn't think anybody other than fiancee noticed...
Oh! that's right! I went to the Y afterschool. Then fiancee and I went over to BCNC and played volleyball. I was horrible. I mean, I always look like crap when playing against the guys, but that day I looked like I'd never touched a volleyball before. Sighhhh; at first it was just fiancee and I passing. Then Thomas joined. Then Chan and Tuan wanted to play. So I went with them and Thomas played with fiancee. Then later Goofy came by with Dimples. Omg. I sucked ass... Yeah, I got home late... and barely did any homework :(

Thursday, Jan 28th -- Best study with Goofy yet! We switched homework assignments. He did part of my chemistry homework and I did part of his latin. He got close when we tried figuring out one of my chemistry problems... n_n
Sighhhh, smh...
Then Win-a-Buddy afterschool. To sum it up, I bought Ninja for $10, lost $6, got cheated outta $5, and Biceps put on a crazy, sexy, wild show... as usual haha ;)

Friday, Jan 29th -- Afterschool Ninja, Twinn, and I went to eat pizza. We were supposed to go to Gally, but the trains were soooooo slllloooooowwwww! Candy of the week were my Pez :)

Saturday, Jan 30th -- Went to BCNC at like 2:30. Passed with Tingtong (she slipped in her socks lmao!). Went to Tangie's place. Ate pho with Amy and her. Home.

Sunday, Jan 31th -- Homework, didn't finish much of it :(

Monday, Feb 1st -- Don't remember... it wasn't a good day though.

Tuesday, Feb 2nd -- Don't remember... I guess nothing important happened. Oh! But I went to the Y. Met Van there. Then Joey showed up. And they were talking. And talking. I know something's up between them. I'm gonna ask Van ;)

Wednesday, Feb 3rd -- Plans canceled twice. Everyone bailed on me, not a very good day either.

Thursday, Feb 4th -- Something happened. I just don't remember what... Oh! Study. It was horrible. First off, I woke up late accidentally. Missed the first two periods. During study got called down to guidance. Found out my dad called to make sure I was in school -_- ...after I told him I was taking the bus to school. He didn't believe me. Then I went back to study. Goofy didn't talk to me at all. Or even write on my paper like he usually did. I got really depressed/fed up/put down/a mix of too many emotions and stormed out the room. Then I did something after school, but forgot what it was. It was with Ninja and Twinn, that's all I remember.
OH YEAH! We went to McDonalds after Ninja helped me with chemistry! Then I went home and my dad told me I was put on two weeks of "punishment" >:(

Friday, Feb 5th -- Okay school day. Afterschool, I was supposed to go to the movies with fiancee and Coldstone and Chipotle and Blick and all those good places. But she had to finish a test. And I waited like an hour for her. And after going all around the school trying to find her, she said she had to wait for someone else so we could go to Babycake's birthday dinner. But I didn't want to wait anymore and I didn't want to go to that dinner either so I just "went home" (AKA went to Chipotle with Ninja and Twinn, yummmm!).