Saturday, February 26, 2011


As this month comes to an end I think about February and what Black History Month actually means. I realize that I never really got a chance to look back at my history and where I came from. I remember before vacation one of my friends was joking about how every year it's the same thing. Slavery, slavery, slavery. She said that she was tired of Black History Month. And I get that she was just joking but I didn't think it was very funny. Real people had to live through that. Real people were victims of segregation and discrimination. Real people overcame all that violence and persecution. Real people, black people, invented lots of the things that we use in our mundane day. And I believe that those people deserve recognition. No matter how trivial the youth of today think it is, it says something. Those people, my people, achieved it not only for themselves but for everyone who was being wronged. They deserve a moment in the spotlight, hell, a month to shine. I'm just upset that so many people take it for granted. So as February trickles to an end, from now on I'm gonna take a moment every day to reflect on my history. It's important. If you don't know your history, how will you ever make a better future? One man had a dream and you must remember him to make it come alive. World Peace.

But that's not all I wanted to talk about in this blog. I wanted to talk about my cousin Melissa. She's the daughter of my half-drunk, failed at marriage, unsuccessful handy man uncle. She was born in Haiti and because her mother thought she'd be better off here with her father, she moved here. I remember when she first came to America. She was so young. And I was still young. You know how in school you have cliques? As much as you don't want it to be true, there will always be separate groups. And it's just weird if someone from one group started socializing with your group. Well, that's how it felt when Melissa first joined us. Uncle Jean, her father, was in the midst of a rocky marriage that for such the hyped up, beautiful wedding they had, honestly didn't last very long. Well, he didn't really have any room for her... yet. Being the kind, caring people that they were my parents decided to take Melissa in for the meantime. Me, being the youngest child, didn't know how to handle it. There was this awkward foreign girl taking my spot as my mom's little girl. Or at least that's what it felt like. To make matters worse she looked a lot like my mom and had nearly the same childish mannerisms as her too. Melissa barely spoke any English so they communicated in the same language too. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand her. I was all too happy when she left a few weeks later.

Little did I know what would happen in her years to come. She was bounced around from house to house because her father was anything but. None of my cousins particularly liked her. They all thought she was weird and annoying, including me. Only my sister took initiative and played with her and cared for her. It was almost to a point where she was considered Melissa's mother. A small part of me always felt that my sister's actions were based off how she barely cared for me at all when I was a child. I thought that loving Melissa was a way for her to make up for her not loving me. I don't know how that's would've worked, but that's what it felt like. Even my dad was willing to go out of his way to help her more than he ever helped me. And it made me dislike Melissa even more.

Still, no matter how much I disliked her in the past, I still feel bad when I see my cousins act strange around her, like she's the outsider. She's still family, no matter how awkward she is and how annoying she gets. She grew up in an unstable household. Her father dropped her off like an unwanted being. She never had a real childhood communicating with kids of her own age. She was friends with adults. I just wish I had realized that and done something about it when I was younger. All I can do when my brother tells our family that she's gonna end up with attachment isssues and problems with men is nod in agreement. I can see her future clearly. I hope that she proves us wrong though.

I wish that I was nicer to her when I had the chance so that she wouldn't just look at me awkwardly and mumble hi when she sees me. Today her father showed up unexpectedly while we were having a gang outing (just some food and games with a few cousins). I opened the door, he pushed her in and told me "She's all yours". Is that anyway to treat your daughter? I have no idea where he's going. He could be going out for a job to make some money or going out to drink with his friends or spending a night with his girlfriend, but Melissa is staying the night now. I see the way my father acts with her now. Annoyed, but still nice. My mother spent 5 minutes playing a game with her and then went back upstairs to play a game. And she doesn't come near me because she still remembers how I treated her as a child. I feel horrible. And when my sister stopped by for 5 minutes the first thing Melissa did when she opened the door was run up and give her a hug. And my dad sounded a million times happier when he heard my sister's voice. I can't believe my family sometimes.

In my mind I imagined me going downstairs and playing Connect Four with Melissa and bringing the guinea pigs' cage upstairs and me painting Melissa's nails. But I don't think I have the guts to do it. I'm pathetic. Clearly this girl needs a companion. But I can't bring myself to do it. On one hand it's not my job as an 18 year old to befriend a child, but on the other hand I'll never forgive myself if I don't patch up our relationship. She needs someone. Is it me?

And not only that but somehow I feel guilty because on AIM I see all my old friends' statuses about depression and cutting. Could I have done something to change that? Especially with my ex-best friend Blakey. If I had stayed in her life could I have changed her life? I can't help feeling that I could've. That's why I'm scared to death of losing the ones that are near and dear to me now. My head is spinning as I try to type through blurred eyes, but I'll get through it. Victoria, Star, we haven't talked in a while and it scared me terribly. When I saw you yesterday we didn't have a chance to talk. And I miss our talks. I miss knowing that I'm still in your life. Don't push me away. I need you as much as I hope you need me. I made a promise that I'd stay in your life. And though I couldn't keep it like with Blakey, I really want to make this work. Losing you as a friend break my heart much more than the thought of breaking another life promise.

I miss you.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Still Up

So I've had the weirdest past couple of days. It's like a freaking rollercoaster. Wednesday I got everything done including making a sign for "boyfriend". The cake almost fell apart completely and I was pissed, but it turned out okay. I ended up going to bed at like 3. Thursday was busyyyyy. I did run home and get flowers and run back to school. But then I milled around for a few hours because there's not much the models needed to do except put on makeup and practice poses. The show went on and it was awesome. I only felt nervous right before. On the stage I just walked and forget the crowd (though I did hear them screaming loud). After walking off though my heart nearly exploded through my chest! It was exhilirating :) I sorta kinda don't like looking at any of the pics though. I think I look gross in basically all of them. Sure, people told me that I looked fierce and I was awesome, but when I see the pictures, all I see is a man-girl. I look like a guy, which sucks cuz I was wearing makeup and everything. I guess I just have to see the who thing to get the full effect. But this isn't the only time. It's like, in some angles I look like a guy and in others, a girl. Which makes me mad cuz I know I'm a girl. I blame my dad for giving me manly features lol. Then again, after I read Twinn's wall post saying how I looked beautiful I couldn't help but smile. She's too sweet. It's weird how she knows just the right words to say. And she has no idea the effect she has on people... :(
Anywho, all the while Star wasn't talking to me. Literally, during the show she was ignoring me. I sorta think it's cuz she's been stressed. Plus, when I just stormed off Monday that probably added to the stress so she cut me out completely. Stress, or payback for me not talking to her. Either way, it had me worried. We were just talking the other day about how she could just push me out of her life one day. And I told her that would never happen. If she hadn't have talked to me this weekend I would've been prepared for battle Monday. I would've demanded why she was ignoring me and then told her that she wasn't gonna get rid of me that easy. But there was nothing to worry about because she called me today asking if I were going to the Y. I really wanted to pass and talk to her so I went. I never got a chance to confront her about her distance, but that's okay I guess. As long as we're still talking. Our relationship is very... odd. We argue a lot, but we end up together in the end. It's pretty hard to let someone go when you know their background story. But yea, over the course of the afternoon I got moody. I don't really remember why but I did. Then all I wanted to do was hit that volleyball. And I did, but it didn't do much.
Vthong told me about how "boyfriend" left the sign I made him in the cafeteria after Asian Night. And I got upset, even more upset than her flaking our afternoon out because I spent time on that poster. It wasn't easy to make. So I talked to her on facebook and it's all good now. Even Twinn talked to me. She noticed something was wrong and asked to be my therapist
Caring people like her don't come around very often so when you do meet one, make sure you treat them right. Don't use them. Love them and care for them and stick by them and they might just stay by you forever. I make Twinn sound like a dog or something, but it's true that she deserves more for all the heart she puts in... everything.
What else? Well, I went to Mike's Pastry and Newbury Street on Friday as planned but I went with Van and Lexy. Rose had to leave :( I picked up something from Newbury Comics and got some soap from Lush (yay!). Now tomorrow I just hope to go to the YMS thing with Van and make that cake for Lexy. I'm going broke though. My birthday money is dwindling. I need a job because getting gifts for people isn't cheap. And it's not even their birthdays, I do it just because, just to show them how much they mean to me. And they give them away or leave them behind? Show's how much I mean to them... Oh well, just another lesson learned.
My back hurts and I'm really tired now so I'm just gonna finish by saying that I hear you Twinn and I really truly appreciate it. It's wonderful knowing someone always has my back. Just know that I have yours too! Love you!!

And Star, I'm glad we're talking again. I'll try not to get so upset over little things. I'll try to just think about what you mean to me, which is a lot if you didn't know. You scared me when you talked about pushing me out of your life. No matter how much we fight or how many times we stop talking, I really do hope we end up talking again because I don't want to lose you...

Night, blog ya later.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Let's see... this week is turning out to be very busy. I'm lacking sleep! Of course Sunday night I was doing homework until late at night, maybe 1 or 2. But once Monday started I realized how much stuff really needed to be done. Rehearsals for Asian Night go on until like 4, which sucks cause it doesn't leave much time for me to go out afterwards. I wanted to go to the Y really bad today. I was determined to go, but I saw the time and just decided to go home. Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight...
But anywho, let me talk about yesterday. Everything was going okay until after rehearsals. Because of the conversation I had with Star the night before, I was waiting for her so that we could go workout at the Y. Before rehearsals she said that she wasn't sure. So I just waited around. It got to a point where I was really frustrated and so I finally got all my stuff together and asked if she decided if she wanted to go. Maybe there was something wrong with my ears, but I swear I heard her say yes. So I put away both our heels and came back downstairs to find that she wasn't getting ready to go. She gave me a "what are you still doing here" sorta look so I just said that I was going home. And I spent the next hour or so going home in heels that didn't fit (because if I wore my flats sand would've gotten everywhere) nearly starving to death (because I didn't grab breakfast that morning and I only had an energy milkshake for lunch) angry at Star and the world. I guess she didn't hear what I said, but I was still mad anyway.
Lesson of the Day:
Don't wait for indecisive people. You could end up waiting forever wasting your life away. Even if it's a situation where you love someone and are sure you want to marry them, if they're hesitating, if they don't love you, don't wait around. Or if you do wait, make sure you have patience, make sure you can make that person love you too haha.
Anyway, after all of that I got home to find that the power cord for my laptop came in the mail (WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I got my laptop back!) and that I was accepted into Suffolk. So my afternoon turned a full 180. I spent the rest of the day catching up with my laptop and painting my nails lol. I ended up talking to Vthong actually. She's one of a kind, that girl :) By the time our convo ended I had decided that she was gonna be my Valentine hehehe ♥ Talking to her made my night. But yes, yesterday was a tiring day. Honestly though, today was even worse. I was even more tired. And I'm still upset I didn't go to the Y (I didn't pay $30 to renew my membership for nothing!). I realize that I won't be able to go until Saturday or next week. My schedule looks something like...

Wednesday: rehearsals, get a chocolate rose for John (for after his performance because he doesn't like real flowers lol), bake a cake for the show (since Bobby's making brownies I'm gonna make a cake; it's gonna be layered with red and yellow frosting, just... awesome -- or at least it looks awesome in my head), get ma herr did for the show... hopefully
Thursday: TTT meeting, run to the bank and buy Vthong yellow flowers before the show (flowers for a great performance ♥), SHOWTIME! (i get to see my "mom" Sawah and Tingtong! ^^), EAT FOOD
Friday: go to newbury st and mike's pastries with Vthong and Van and Lexy and... people lol (i'm hoping to get a "giant microbe" plushy from newbury comics for Vthong -- i thought of it for a gift before ever asking her to come along so i don't know how i'm gonna get it without her knowing and how and/or when i'm gonna give it to her... sigh; and i also wanted to take her to Sweet cause she's never been ^^; and i wanna go to Lush!!!!)
Saturday/Sunday: buy ingredients to make a Domo cake for Lexy (also a gift that i've had planned way back when) and oatmeal raisin cookies for my old lady neighbor up the street and a heart shaped cake for my Valentine (Vthong, again lol) ...oh, and bake them, of course

Hahaha I'm gonna make Vthong fat xD JKJKJK. It might look like we hang out a lot, but we really don't. That's why I'm doin all that. I want us to hang out more. And she's a good person, I want to shower her with gifts for Valentine's Day. Since I won't (be getting gifts from a Valentine or anything), I might as well do it for someone else. I'm gonna make it an extra special day for her :) And one of these years it'll be an extra special day for me too.
Yes, so there is much to do this week. And that's not including homework, especially all that work I need to make up. Speaking of, I should probably get to that now haha. See ya dearies!

OH! But one thing that I loved today was seeing Frank-o-bean. He finally visited! ^^ He didn't tell me, I just happened to see him in a stairwell, but he'll be at school on Tuesdays volunteering now. Wooo! I can't wait :)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Longer Than I Planned

Today, no tonight, I cried for the first time in a while. Not because of a dream. This is about real life. It was after I started talking to ...Star. She asked me what was wrong and I told her about how I felt sorta helpless. I was worried about other people. People who were feeling down and had no one to talk to. Then she said that she's felt lonely many times before and I felt even worse. Because no one likes knowing or even thinking that they could've done something when they didn't, no matter what the reason. It makes a person feel horrible. So I went upstairs seeking the comfort of my mother. I was debating on whether to tell her anything or not because for some reason I just wanted to see her. I wanted to be understood with no words exchanged. But that rarely ever happens so I just went into her room for some socks and lay on her bed. And I looked at her. And she asked me what was wrong but I just shook my head. So she said that I just came into her room to mock her and her sickness. She's in pain. I know it. My mother has Lupus. Her joints hurt often and there's not much any of us can do about it. At that point, watching her suffer, I got really emotional. But I held back my tears. I simply kissed her on the cheek and left the room without a word. Then I calmly went to the bathroom and cried quietly. I cried for my friends and my mom and my dad and how hard they work and for those people on and for feeling so stupid and useless. After a few minutes I sucked it up and went back downstairs. I was half hoping that my father would look into my red eyes and ask what was wrong but at the same time when he asked me how to do something on the computer I stood behind him so he wouldn't see. I doubt he would do anything anyway. My father isn't that type of caring man.

So then I ended up talking to Star again. She worries me. A lot. I love her, I do. But the problem is she doesn't love herself. And she's sure she won't ever be able to love herself. I hope deep down in my soul that she's wrong. And if I believed in God, I'd pray deeply for it too. She needs to let someone in. She needs to go back, reflect on her life, and figure out why she thinks she can't love herself. Then she can act on it. Then she'll be able to love herself and live. I'm no therapist, but I've learned a few bits and pieces overtime and I think that's what she needs to do. She just needs to want to do it herself. One of these days...

So I'm sitting here thinking about all of this. About my family and those strangers on that website and my friends (the sick one, the lonely one, the one who can't love herself) and honestly, it makes me want to cry again. And I think I will. When I take a shower tonight I'm just going to let it all go. Then tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up determined as ever on helping those people. I may not be able to help the people suffering on sixbillionsecrets, but I can learn from them. I can learn how to be a better person. I can learn to love more and BE THERE more (I already have actually). I can help my parents more and spend time with my siblings more. I can look out for my friends more and ask them what's wrong. I can be a part of their lives more. I can and I will. That's my plan.

But then again, Star called me a hypocrite for thinking about others. It's true that part of the reason why I was crying in the bathroom was that my parents work hard for me and that my dad was telling me the other day that I won't graduate and that I'm starting to believe that I won't get to walk but not because of getting to school late or skipping school, because I'm failing precalculus honors and if I don't pass that class I'll probably have to take a summer class and not get my dipolma until the end of the summer. I was crying because all that I've worked for will have been ruined by one class. And I'll let down my family if I don't get to walk across that stage. It's true I was crying because I was worried about myself, but honestly, that all fades away when I think about my friends and my family. They're hurting much more than me. And if I can help in any way, it'll make my day. It'll make all that I've worked for... worthwhile. Because like I've said, all I want to do in life is change peoples' lives and be remembered. So technically I'm not a hypocrite. I do things for others and think about others for me, to make me feel useful in life. It sounds extremely selfish right now, but it's true.

And that's all I wanted to get off my chest right now. I'm going to finish talking to Star, struggle with these stupid precalc problems, attempt at other homework, cry in the shower, paint my nails, and get ready for a new day tomorrow. Bring it on life, I'm ready for whatever you throw at me and the ones I love. I'm here.

And btw, my mom just went to the hospital because her blood pressure is high. This is the second time. Part of me feels like it was the garlic tea she made a while ago, but another part of me feels like it could be serious too. We'll see. This reminds me of my other friend who's really sick. He should go to the hospital too. I hope he's okay. I hope they're both okay...