Monday, January 28, 2013


It's sad how being polite and nice is so rarely seen that when one comes across it, they mistake it for being flirty. I've fallen in this trap and I can't get out of it. It He is like a black hole consuming my thoughts with the littlest of actions and gestures. I can't help but fall for him. But the feelings will never be returned. I need a distraction, a flaw, something to stray my gaze from him. This year's resolution included not chasing him, but somehow every talk we have, every laugh we share, every glance caught lures me further in. And what's the appeal? His kindness. Maybe it's because I have no idea how to flirt or what it looks like that I've gotten so confused. Since when did the line separating friendliness and flirtiness get so thin?

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I'm convinced that this whole college thing is just one big social test. And I'm in danger in failing.

Benny Benassi - Cinema (Skrillex Remix)

I've sorta been on this dubstep trip lately. I'm literally just listening to what sounds like a computer having a seizure, but... it works. I like it. As my friend says, it just gets you in a groove :)

Last night was awfully crazy...

I stayed up until 5 in the morning helping my friend Lizzie care for her roommate (and also my friend) Jess. Vomit and scares and Jay and trouble and laughs. But it made for one interesting night I certainly won't ever forget haha.

I've met some of the best, nicest people in the world here at school and I'm so glad they're such good friends of mine.

It's hard to let go.

 Very hard.

I refuse to let myself chase again, but.. we're friends, I guess. This is about Jay obviously.
We talk. About life and problems. And we're okay - it's not awkward.
I just don't think I'm okay with letting him and the possibility of us becoming more than friends go so easily. I guess I've never just had a guy friend before. Even with Frank-o-bean it went from friend to crush to.. JUST friends. I had to fall for him first and admit it to him to get to where we are now: just good friends who joke around with each other. It's as though I can never just be friends with a guy, I always get those feelings for them. And after so many years I guess I'm still confused as to why these guys don't like me like that.

It's really hard to let go of something that at one time seemed so real and possible, something as beautiful and satisfying as finding someone to be with.

It's really hard to be just friends. Even harder to not be friends at all.

Saturday, January 26, 2013


I wouldn't mind walking in to find this him in my bedroom.

Check out his Lookbook:

Friday, January 25, 2013

Three Shots

Just three shots.
By myself.
I'm numb, I'm dizzy, but I'm talking a lot more.
I'm engaging. I'm interesting now.
But I drank by myself.
Pathetic. Depressing. Lonely.
Happy. Birthday. Me.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Another Depressing Thought of the Day

I will be turning 20 in a few days and, looking back on my life, I can't say that I'm particularly pleased with my life. I mean, I've done more than a few awesome things including winning championships in volleyball, modeling in fashion shows, graduating high school, singing in front of a crowd, and flying across the country by myself just to visit a friend. And I feel great about the many things I've done for my friends and family, gifts and whatnot. But I honestly can't say that I'm where I want to be in my life. It's hard to change. It'll take a lot of searching within myself, a lot of reflection. It'll take knowing that all the little things make a huge difference. It'll take an extra effort to be happy with my life.. because right now I'm not.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Depressing Thought of the Day

One day, I will have to watch as someone buries my dear parents or my brother or my dear friend. And I won't be able to do anything about it. The world won't stop, life will continue on. One day I will lose those I love most. Looking at how my parents age every day is yet another reminder of how dispensable each one of our lives really are. I am yet a grain of sand on the beach of the universe - minuscule, overlooked, unimportant. My life (and my death) essentially means nothing.


Then, there's an up side to this too.
Without each single grain, there would be no beautiful beach of a universe. Each life is exactly so important because it adds to the rich plethora of moments and feelings and relationships that make up life.
There's a purpose for each one of our lives, no matter how bad they seem at the moment.
I just haven't found the reason for mine yet.
But I will.

Optimism. I will stay positive.
For me, 2013 officially starts tomorrow. I have something to look forward to: being reunited with Johnny, even if for a short time. I will have a good time and come back refreshed. In this new chapter of my life I will not chase Jay anymore - or any other guy for that matter. I will not let the sadness stick to me. I will live more, laugh more, and just be me.

So, in a way, I guess you could say that my resolution is to be happier. And it all starts tomorrow.
See you in a week! :)

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Paper Route - Letting You Let Go

Their music always seems to strike a chord within me, that's why they're my favorite band.

Hello, 2013.

It's been a while since I've gotten a chance to sit down and honestly blog. I appologize for those who actually pay attention to my posts, my laptop was in hibernation. But I'm back now, don't worry!
I have so many pictures to post! But those will have to wait, I guess.

Here's the quick summary of these past few weeks:
Wreck-It Ralph was an awesome movie - go see it, made a vase (one more thing crossed off my list), secret Santa with my friends, watercolor set and fuzzy socks, attractive card given to Jay, mildly depressed, passed classes with an A, a B+, and a C+ but am still on academic probation...what.the.fuck..., art and next level psych course next semester, YMS potluck, reached limit with sister, Korean restaurant, thrift shopping, loneliness, The Book Thief, LUSH, friendship bracelets, sugar cookies, New Years with the gang plus Lexy, sick, hospital with mom - confessions, parallel parking, Mike's Pastry and wall walking with Twinn - heart2heart, shopping with sister, new dress, possible plans with Jay.... and I think that's it.
Except for the fact that I'm going to California in a few days to visit Johnny. It's finally happening. Operation Johnny is nearly complete. I've been feeling... down lately all semester long. This trip should do me some good.
Oh, and I deleted Star from my friends. But that's a story for another time.
Right now I plan on cleaning up my room, maybe do a little packing, and stay up to practice my watercolor painting. And maybe I'll stay up to watch the sunrise. Just because.

2012 was such a bad year for me, the only thing I hope is that 2013 will be better.
My resolution? I don't know. But I did buy another journal to keep writing in, that could be one thing..


They should just do the world (and me) a favor and get married already. They're so adorable :)
Zooey's the only person other than myself I permit Joe to be with haha.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Maybe she's right, maybe I never get the guy I want because I'm never forward with them. I'm too shy to look someone in the face and say "I like you", or even to give them a card that says so and NOT run away. I've been this way since that first incident in elementary school and I don't know if I can change. I'll probably end up being the cause of my own loneliness. Forever alone, that's me.