Thursday, August 19, 2010

A Good Clean Feeling

So I just took a shower and I'm pretty comfortable right now. I got an XL tee-shirt on and some pajama shorts and it feels good on my skin. (I'm actually getting a little tired...) But somehow something still doesn't feel right. There's something on my mind and it's bothering me. I shall open up the gates of my mind and share, but be warned: this is mostly going to be about volleyball and boys, a certain boy that is.
Today was a long day. Yesterday afternoon I was set on not going to practice today, but

*3 hours and a bowl of food later*

Phew, I needed that nap. Anyway. But Vicky put me in a situation where I felt bad about not going (not on purpose). See, I was sorta kinda forced to go to a birthday lunch after practice for Kathy. And Vicky paid for me. And then later she gave me a dollar for the T... for today. I felt bad about having her pay for me so I made some cookies for her and the birthday girl and others and brought them today. Yesterday was so awkward though. First off, people kept asking me if I was okay, even Goofy! Honestly, I wasn't okay (emotionally that is), but I kept my mouth shut and just let out my anger through my hits. Then at the birthday lunch it was quiet and like no one was talking. Towards the end I noticed that Goofy and Jenny were holding hands under the table. That killed everything for me. I just wanted to go home at that point. After it was over I started walking to the train station when I heard someone call me down the street. I saw that it was Jenny and Goofy (who had come from a bakery) waving. I saw them but I kept on walking, I couldn't handle it anymore.
So yeah, today I went to practice for Vicky and like 3 other people, that's it. I got sweaty and stuff and practice ended early cuz we were kicked out of the gym. I was getting aggravated anyway. I was with Allan working on my hits, but I couldn't get it right. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it was pissing me off. Honestly, I knew I was never a great hitter (I just have a strong arm... and I'M TALL), but I still was down because of my inability to get it right. I mean, Jenny's hits are perfect, she doesn't need any correcting...
Then I had an appointment and I went back to BCNC to meet up with Tingtong and Cwong. We just wandered around. But when the guys came back from eating they wanted us to play volleyball. I had given my gym stuff to my dad to take home so I wasn't prepared and I didn't really wanna play with them anyway. Cwong and I got up to go to the auditorium but as I passed Goofy he tapped my arm and told me to get my stuff. I didn't even stop when he did that. I just kept walking and said I didn't have it. Then later I got on the train and walked home from Forest Hills again.
Things are just... awkward between Goo-Hung and I. Or maybe I'm making it awkward. I don't know. I can't help how I feel. And how do I feel exactly? I don't really know that either. As long as they don't start makin out at practice or around me, I thought I would be fine, but that might not be the case. I mean, I can't be mad at either of them. Hung just didn't like me. And Jenny, though she knew I liked him, she was the one... being chased. Hung wasn't gonna give up haha. So I can't be mad at anyone. I guess I'm still just disappointed that I wasn't the one who got picked. And that I have to see both of them around during volleyball season. I'm trying to avoid him (and sort of her) but that's not gonna work at all. He keeps talking to me. I guess he expects that things would stay the same between us, but obviously not. And he knows that. He legit asked me if I was okay. I was commenting on how one girl at tryouts was really good at passing and he said "And how about you?" I know he wasn't talking about volleyball -_-
*Sigh* I don't think we can be friends like we were before. I just... can't. Maybe I should take Ninja's advice on how to get over a crush and just start flirting with other dudes lol. Too bad I don't know how to flirt :p
So, advice to all guys out there. Don't flirt with a girl when you know nothing's gonna happen between you and her. She might get the wrong idea and fall head over heels and just get crushed. Save a girl a heartbreak and leave her be.

Now I wish I could talk about this with one of my friends, but I'm still stuck in this "I'm fine, I'm just tired" mode. Especially since I admitted that I wasn't okay to Vicky on AIM and she logged off right after. I was gonna talk to Tingtong on AIM today, but I don't know where she is. Oh well. All this pent up anger and frustration an be channeled into volleyball. Huie said I needed to get mad, to be a beast. Let's hope this season goes well :)
Now time to watch Buffy. THANK GOD there's no practice tomorrow. I need a weekend to recoup. Later.

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