Elle Varner (ft. J. Cole) - Only Wanna Give It To You

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I wrote another poem (February 25, 2014)

Just One Kiss?

It's crazy the things I imagine doing with this kid. He'd prob never talk to me again if he knew. Sigh, if only we got a little bit closer, if only I could close that gap between our bodies, if only we could hold each others' hands, if only I could stare into his eyes as we rolled around on a bed all night long… If only he didn't already have a girlfriend.

It's always the same. Just friends, if that. They will never get to see all I can be, all I can give, all we can do, if only they let me break down the high walls of my flooded heart. Emotions, thoughts gushing and overflowing but there's nowhere for them to go. I'll just drown here in my misery under the weight of this crush while you go off and give her one more kiss.

The sad life of a hopeless romantic.

I might just do something rash.

Updates first:
I gave Larry my "I find you to be very attractive" card. It was probably the most nerve-racking, most embarrasing, hardest thing I've had to do by far this year. Aside from that Miss pageant.

I'm slowly dying on the inside having to write this paper for Philosophy. I procrastinated way too much. It's not even that bad, just 6 pages, but I literally can't wrap my head around it. I know what I'd like to say, I just can't type it out in complete sentences. I fucking hate this. And it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, if maybe I shouldn't be in school...

My new favorite song is "Crave You" by Flight Facilities. It sums up my love life perfectly... Take a listen!

 And finally, I'm getting sick of my roommate. She's getting on my nerves. Thank goodness I get to leave in 2 days.. Not that I want to leave. If it were up to me I'd keep living on campus and not go home and just... kick her out.

 Now, the main point of this post. This morning before my final I ate breakfast with 3 friends, 2 girls and my friend Parker. One of the girls admitted to me that she had a "baby crush" on Parker earlier, which is fine I thought, but when I saw them interact in person today I couldn't stand it. Parker has a girlfriend and my friend has a boyfriend so I shouldn't be phased but they were walking together making little jokes back and forth and it made me upset. If, somehow, they end up dating I will be pissed. Why, you ask? Because that would just prove to me that the guys I like will never choose me because of my race. My friend and I are pretty similar: quiet, sarcastic,etc. Granted, it could just be because she's shorter and probably way better at flirting than I am (a bit more open), but I feel like Parker or any other white guy in general would choose her over me simply because she's white and I'm black. And that's not right..
Of course, this is all just in a hypothetical situation though. For now I'll let it slide.
Why do I get so upset at these things? :\

I dressed up in an insanely cute outfit today - I even dared to wear heels! (I live on a very hilly campus so that means a lot.) But I didn't even get to see him today D: He won't get to see how nice I look today because I'm working all night! Sigh, wasted efforts on a hopeless crush...

It's the truth :(

When you have a dream in which you're angry and frustrated, and you wake up feeling the same way, as if it actually happened.

I just woke up from a very disappointing dream.
It started off with me reading the status of my crush Larry on Facebook. It said something along the lines of "When the person you want the most leaves before you can talk to them. Christina." Now, a few days ago I noticed that he was at an event I went to on campus (I got super excited, of course), but I left before him after it ended because my friend was embarrassing me by calling out his name (eventhough he was all the way across the "auditorium", I was still worried he might hear).

Anyway, so in my dream I read his status and got really excited  because I thought he was talking about me. Some other girl named Christina commented on it, but somehow I just knew he was talking about me.

So the next day out of the blue some guy proposes to me. (This guy is not Larry by the way, he's some other guy around campus I've seen who I find to be really cute. Maybe my subconscious mind couldn't depict Larry correctly, maybe it was a completely separate dream, I don't know...) I said yes and we took a day trip out to somewhere to elope. We came back to school and we were hanging out and I was so happy, it was amazing. Except it felt like he was holding back, like there was something bothering him.
So I tried talking to him. I sat on his lap, stared into his green eyes and asked what was wrong. He tried to cover it u[ but eventually it all came out. "Why me? Why do you like me?" I didn't understand and I told him just the way he was, every bit of him. Then he said, "It makes everything so complicated." The cat broke loose from the bag, "I know, but I had to ask for permission. Why did you have to choose me?" Apparently, he had to ask permission from some woman of president-like status in the school if he could marry me, and our marriage was single taboo event of the entire campus.
I was shocked and upset. It seemed as though he didn't really love me as I loved him. So we fought.
Eventually I walked  away and got in an elevator going up to my floor. And guess who was in there? The president lady. She said, "What can you expect? These types of things were never meant to last." And by "things" she meant interracial relationships. I got sooooo mad! I told her that studies show that interracial relationships actually last longer that single-race relationships. So she asked for my source but of course I didn't have it. She said, "I should've never granted that boy's request and allowed this to happen."
It was awful. She was telling me that my marriage was a mistake. I finally got out the elevator, angrier than ever. My husband, "Justin" happened to be there. He tried to console me and apologize, but I wouldn't let him touch me. I asked him, "Was this all even real? Or was it just a stupid little social experiment?" He had no response so I left.

It was a very upsetting dream. I woke up extremely mad and it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream and that I didn't have any real reason to be angry.
But I wonder, is that really the reason why guys I like (those of a different race) don't pursue me? Am I not attractive to them or is it just considered taboo that they should like me? What's the problem? I'd like to know. It's times like these that really discourage me. I may just end up alone for the rest of my life. Yaaaaaay... -__-

I have a plan.

I'll leave him be for a while. If he wants to talk to me again, then great!

If not, then I'll go to him. And demand to know just one thing: "Tell me, do you still want to be my friend?"

I don't expect an explanation, I know what I did. But I just need to know... if I've completely ruined what we had, or if there's still a chance that I can get my good friend back.



Jeez, why does that sound so... needy?
And I know damn well that even though I planned this all out, it won't go the way I hoped. It never does. That's life, I guess. 

I had a dream.

That my other guy friends were protecting me. They would come distract me whenever Peter came around. They were protecting me from getting hurt, being sad. It was adorable. I was also a commuter or something because I went back home after class one day. And Peter called me. We had a long convo about how he wanted us to take a trip to Haiti and adopt a little girl, hopefully together. He obviously was no longer giving me the silent treatment. We talked for a while on the phone. He kept asking me questions about my background. It was as if he wanted to get to know me better, as if he actually liked me back. It was a good dream. It made me VERY happy :)

Too bad in real life he's still not talking to me. I miss him, I miss my good friend! :(
What have I done?

I fucked it up.

Why do I always mess this up? Why can't I just be friends with a guy? I sent a text and may have lost a good friendship because of it. Why did I have to confess and tell him my feelings? :(
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Stupid stupid stupiiiiid.
Now he's avoiding me.
Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I could've just held it in and not said anything and gotten crushed by my crush, as usual.
But I didn't.
And now I think I've lost a friendship. Great.

But that's how I learn, right?
Next time I know not to overthink things and just hold back my feelings and never let the guy know how much I really like him. Now I know.
Rule one in relationships: Keep your trap shut.

I Fear Rejection

I fear being unliked, being unattractive.
It's seeded in the fact that not one guy has tried to pursue me,
that at this stage in life I've yet to be in a single relationship,
in any sort of intimate encounter at all.
Its roots run deep,
way back to my insecurities
about my appearance,
my outlandish features.
What little confidence and self-esteem I give off
is built on a web of lies.
I doubt myself.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
I hold back my feelings and long from afar,
never relaying my thoughts to my crushes
out of fear that I'd be cast off.
Because I desperately fear the day that someone will hurt me so much that I won't be able to
recover.

I love this picture.

I have the biggest crush on this guy named Larry at my school.

He's a year older than me and I find him to be the finest piece of man around haha.

He's tall, he's smart, he's friendly, and he's got a good head on his shoulders.

He was crowned Mr. FSU of our school last year.

The only reason he knows my name is because I ran for Miss FSU back in December and won 3rd runner up. Performing in front of a crowd on stage was fun and all - a great experience; but the most exciting part of that night was when it was all over, when I gathered some courage and asked him to take a picture with me.

I love this picture.

And he doesn't even know.

Home.

What's the first thing I do when I get home for Spring Break?

Lay down on the couch, watch some Netflix, and take a nap.
<3

But I must admit that on the ride over here my thoughts kept wandering to him. To the fact that I won't see him for over a week, that I won't hear his laugh or see his smile or the glint in his pretty eyes, that I won't be able to just be around him. I thought of what he was doing at that moment and realized that he probably wasn't thinking of me because he was with her.
This week off should be a good thing. Maybe it'll take him off my mind..

Have a good week, all!

I have no idea what I'm doing...

Peter Parker

I like him. I do.

Detached, Part II

I just love how we don't talk anymore and I'm not invited to go party with you. Throwed, those 18+ parties I've been wanting to go to foreverrrrrr. I would love to go, but it's fine that I'm not.
I probably brought this upon myself. The distance I initiated, all the times I avoided talking to her. I did it all myself. To myself. Why? I thought I'd be better off. And now I'm just... a little unhappy. That I'm missing out. That because I don't talk to her, I feel detached and like an outsider now.

How quickly things like this change...


Well, on the plus side, last night I had a dream about Jimmy and I finally getting together. Well, we hooked up and made out. It was reeeeaaaallly nice ;) But then he went to go get something and.. never came back. Great. I'm getting abandoned even in my dreams...

If I were being completely honest...

I'd say that I'm not okay with her hanging out with him. I named my teddy bear after him, for God's sake! She should know that when I say I'm over him, I'm really not. I'm not comfortable with them hanging out. And I realized not too long ago that probably the only reason why he's been acknowledging my existence more now is because he wants to get closer to her.
She's gorgeous, no doubt about it. I can try to boost up my self-esteem and say that I'm not so bad-looking myself, but let's be real. I'm nothing compared to her. None of the guys I like ever pay me any mind. Not her, she could literally have any guy she wants. But she wants him. Funny, because not too long ago she said that she was over her little crush on him, that he's not attractive at all. That was before when she had a boyfriend. And now? Well, now she's on the lookout for a new guy. Or maybe a play toy, I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it.

But you know what? After that incident two Thursdays ago I'm not that close to her anyway. So I don't care. I'm okay with it, with them. I'm fine, really.

Flirting on Facebook?

How do you start getting to know an acquaintance you've recently added to your friends on Facebook? He's so cute! And nice. And he's smart and tall and so perfect! But he's also going to study abroad in Italy in a month... How do I start talking to him? Say happy Valentine's day? My friend said to say "We're both tall, we'd make amazing babies." yea.. Not happening.

Best Night Ever

I drank with the boys in the other wing (Cody, Tim, Parker, etc.) and I had so much fun lmao. It's ridiculous the things that happen when guys get drunk. I'm talking about cowboy hats and wrestling and pretzels and food trips and cards and laying on top of closets and Hunger Games. It was great. They're really great guys and I finally edged my way into their group >:D

I'm loving this "have fun" philosophy. I have so many stories to tell lol.

And to think that my morning started off crappy! Larry said hi to me and I had a bunch of fun drinking. I can't wait for tomorrow night when we play Kings...

Made My Day

Oh my lord, Larry L, the Mr. FSU said hi to me just now at dinner. I'm sweaty, and probably really ugly right now because I came from the gym, and it's probably only because I was literally eating him with my eyes for a good 5 minutes while he was getting fries to eat, but.. He. Said. Hi to me. My heart skipped a beat. *swooooooon*