Stillness

There are days when I feel perfectly fine, at peace with being on my own here, but then there are other days when I look back at old pictures with my friends and I feel off balance. I don't feel whole. I feel awkward and homesick. There are days like today when I wish I could just turn back time and relive those moments with my family and friends. Days when I want to just slow down the world and take a breather. Days when I want to curl into a ball under my soft orange covers and just cry my insecurities away. I'm eighteen years old. I'm living in a residence hall in the dead town of Framingham. I won't say that I'm on my own because I know that my family supports me 110%, as do my friends. But when I talk to them on the phone or through a webcam I wish that our conversations would last longer. I wish there weren't so many awkward silences. I wish I didn't have to press 'End Call'. I want them to be here with me because it's hard being dropped off in a strange place. It's hard making new friends. It's hard watching everyone around you make friends faster, leaving you feeling like a loner. I have to step out of my shell. Every day I find myself disliking the volleyball girls more and more (except for one or two). They're secretive and don't really include me in things anymore. I don't like their personalities. I have to make new friends, I just don't know how. Or if I can..

Take me back to the time when we were kids. When it wasn't hard to find someone to hang out with. When you could make a friend in mere seconds. Take me back to those days when I knew where I belonged, when I was sure of myself, when I felt... at home.