Longer Than I Planned

Today, no tonight, I cried for the first time in a while. Not because of a dream. This is about real life. It was after I started talking to ...Star. She asked me what was wrong and I told her about how I felt sorta helpless. I was worried about other people. People who were feeling down and had no one to talk to. Then she said that she's felt lonely many times before and I felt even worse. Because no one likes knowing or even thinking that they could've done something when they didn't, no matter what the reason. It makes a person feel horrible. So I went upstairs seeking the comfort of my mother. I was debating on whether to tell her anything or not because for some reason I just wanted to see her. I wanted to be understood with no words exchanged. But that rarely ever happens so I just went into her room for some socks and lay on her bed. And I looked at her. And she asked me what was wrong but I just shook my head. So she said that I just came into her room to mock her and her sickness. She's in pain. I know it. My mother has Lupus. Her joints hurt often and there's not much any of us can do about it. At that point, watching her suffer, I got really emotional. But I held back my tears. I simply kissed her on the cheek and left the room without a word. Then I calmly went to the bathroom and cried quietly. I cried for my friends and my mom and my dad and how hard they work and for those people on sixbillionsecrets.com and for feeling so stupid and useless. After a few minutes I sucked it up and went back downstairs. I was half hoping that my father would look into my red eyes and ask what was wrong but at the same time when he asked me how to do something on the computer I stood behind him so he wouldn't see. I doubt he would do anything anyway. My father isn't that type of caring man.

So then I ended up talking to Star again. She worries me. A lot. I love her, I do. But the problem is she doesn't love herself. And she's sure she won't ever be able to love herself. I hope deep down in my soul that she's wrong. And if I believed in God, I'd pray deeply for it too. She needs to let someone in. She needs to go back, reflect on her life, and figure out why she thinks she can't love herself. Then she can act on it. Then she'll be able to love herself and live. I'm no therapist, but I've learned a few bits and pieces overtime and I think that's what she needs to do. She just needs to want to do it herself. One of these days...

So I'm sitting here thinking about all of this. About my family and those strangers on that website and my friends (the sick one, the lonely one, the one who can't love herself) and honestly, it makes me want to cry again. And I think I will. When I take a shower tonight I'm just going to let it all go. Then tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up determined as ever on helping those people. I may not be able to help the people suffering on sixbillionsecrets, but I can learn from them. I can learn how to be a better person. I can learn to love more and BE THERE more (I already have actually). I can help my parents more and spend time with my siblings more. I can look out for my friends more and ask them what's wrong. I can be a part of their lives more. I can and I will. That's my plan.

But then again, Star called me a hypocrite for thinking about others. It's true that part of the reason why I was crying in the bathroom was that my parents work hard for me and that my dad was telling me the other day that I won't graduate and that I'm starting to believe that I won't get to walk but not because of getting to school late or skipping school, because I'm failing precalculus honors and if I don't pass that class I'll probably have to take a summer class and not get my dipolma until the end of the summer. I was crying because all that I've worked for will have been ruined by one class. And I'll let down my family if I don't get to walk across that stage. It's true I was crying because I was worried about myself, but honestly, that all fades away when I think about my friends and my family. They're hurting much more than me. And if I can help in any way, it'll make my day. It'll make all that I've worked for... worthwhile. Because like I've said, all I want to do in life is change peoples' lives and be remembered. So technically I'm not a hypocrite. I do things for others and think about others for me, to make me feel useful in life. It sounds extremely selfish right now, but it's true.

And that's all I wanted to get off my chest right now. I'm going to finish talking to Star, struggle with these stupid precalc problems, attempt at other homework, cry in the shower, paint my nails, and get ready for a new day tomorrow. Bring it on life, I'm ready for whatever you throw at me and the ones I love. I'm here.

And btw, my mom just went to the hospital because her blood pressure is high. This is the second time. Part of me feels like it was the garlic tea she made a while ago, but another part of me feels like it could be serious too. We'll see. This reminds me of my other friend who's really sick. He should go to the hospital too. I hope he's okay. I hope they're both okay...