Last day with a bus pass and guess what I did..

I went over Honey Bee's house when he was there. I swear I would rather eat hummus than do that again. During our "nap" I didn't have a headache.. I was just holding in how much I wanted to leave. While you guys were getting lovey dovey I was willing myself to sleep, praying that I wouldn't have to see it or even think about it. And it's not because of my feelings towards him, that couldn't have mattered less, it's because being the 3rd wheel sucks ass. I can't believe I put myself in that situation.. NEVER AGAIN.

And then, when I was going back home on the bus this gross old dude (probably drunk) kept talking to this poor girl who was 17 I believe. After a couple of stops I had to say something because he'd been talking to her since I got to Mattapan Station, and she was losing patience with him, not talking back, and if it were me, I would love for someone to step in and do something. There were only a couple people on the bus and he was annoying and no one did anything. So I spoke up. I told him to stop talking to her because no one else on the bus wanted to hear him talking to himself (she obviously wasn't responding to him anymore). And of course he got mad and started saying stuff like "that's the problem with black women nowadays, they don't have any knowledge. I was just trying to give her a little knowledge" and "it's the black women who speak up that's the problem, they need to learn how to shut their mouths" or something like that. Whatever. He was a old, annoying, and needed to stop. You know, he even mentioned how his daughter was just about the same age as the girl. Ummm... SKETCH.
I didn't get any thanks or anything, but I'm proud of myself for speaking up :)
I'm just glad he got off the bus before I did.. lol.

All in all though I'm glad you had a good time, Honey Bee (I won't mention hope because I know you did). Possibly your two favorite people came to visit you when you were sick. Just please, like I said in that text, don't do that ever again.

Adorable

I was looking out the window a while ago and I saw these two blue jays flying together. It was so cute how they were watching after each other and they stayed by each other.
Honestly, this picture was adorable when I first found it but now it looks a bit scary. In a way that's love I guess. It's a bit scary at first... right?
♥

Robyn Knows.

Call Your Girlfriend -- Robyn

Today I went out and celebrated my friend's birthday at Boston Bowl and I saw Bridesmaids and had a good time.. but that's not what I wanted to talk about. It's Honey Bee.
I'm going to write a letter to her explaining my thoughts and feelings and everything but right now I just can't get over him. I've thought about it and I feel terrible for saying what I said to her, my thoughts about him. It's just the way I feel and I honestly don't think that'll ever change, no matter how much I want to at least get to know him. Cheating is just... ugh.
I was talking with my mom just a bit ago and I thought of this song. Not only is it a great song by one of my favorite artists but it seems to fit the situation perfectly.
Him. If he really likes Honey Bee, he'd break up with his girlfriend. No excuses. Sure, it's hard after being together for such a long time but... Honey Bee is worth it. Break up with her or stop messing around. It's black and white to me. If only I could see the gray, if only I could see it the way Honey Bee sees it, maybe then I'd understand.
Honey Bee. She'll get her letter soon. I just need to get my thoughts together. She'll see things from my view soon.. or at least I hope she does. It's always good to get more than one perspective.

It doesn't matter if you love him or capital H-I-M...

That was.. an interesting talk I had with my parents just now. It started off with friends and college life and... boys (heavens no!). Then my dad went on to discuss la bible. Oops, that should be an uppercase B, la Bible. What do I think of it? Do I believe in it? That's the main fear I had when I heard that we were gonna have a talk. How do you tell your religious parents that you don't believe in God? You don't. lol
You do what I've been doing my entire life. You use word choice. It's not that you don't believe in God, it's just that you haven't found Him yet. Your thoughts on the Bible? Do you follow it? Do you think people should follow it? In summary, yes, there are some good things written that people should follow. See? Word choice. It softens the blow. That way I don't have to say anything their poor ears wouldn't be able to handle or believe :)
After discussing the Bible, my dad asked my opinion of gay people. He asked me if I thought it was wrong or right or if I cared.. And I told him that I didn't think there was anything necessarily wrong with them. They're just people. They were born that way, what's so wrong with that? Then we had a discussion about how according to the Bible and God, it's wrong. Just flat out wrong. Both my parents told me that when they saw guys kissing guys (and I guess that includes girls kissing girls too though they didn't mention that) they thought it was gross. My dad spent his time trying to find where in the Bible it infers that the thing that God despises the most is gays. So to save both our time I basically told him that it's pointless to try to tell me what's wrong if I've already formed my own opinion. (Btw I'm hard-headed. I got it from my dad so when we both disagree on something like this.. well, there's just no point in arguing.) To which he replied that by me saying it's right I'm going against both the Bible and God................ okay. I'm fine with that lol. We're all people. We should have the right to live how we please (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else). And if two men or two women want to live happily ever after together, no one should stop them. Not me, not my parents, not my church, and especially not the government. My mom mentioned the PRIDE fair thing in NY. She talked about it in a disgusted way, but honestly, I'd love to go to a gay fair/parade one day. Why not? I don't think there's anything wrong with it so I guess yes, you could say I support it. FREE LOVE! PEACE FOR ALL!
I finally told my mom the other day that Johnny (the leader of YMS) was gay and had a partner. All she said was wow. I told her to stop her from thinking that I do fashion shows naked and show off my body (like how could she think that's what we do in YMS? that makes no sense at all -_-). But now I feel like she'll treat him differently :( Ignorance... So much ignorance.
My dad kept saying to watch out because that evil, hanging out with gays and whatnot, could spread to me too.. Ugh, they're just not.... open. Or as open as I'd hope them to be. Sigh, whatever.

So what are my actual opinions on God? Well.. I'm serious when I say I haven't found Him yet. How can I say that He doesn't exist when practically my entire family and the majority of the world believes (in one way/religion or another) in Him? Even when I had my First Communion I didn't believe. When they made me memorize all those prayers, all those classes I took, all those times I went to church, I don't remember actually believing. All those times I bend down on my knees I never once felt that there was someone, some greater force up there listening. If anyone in my family ever read this they'd.. well, they'd be shocked. I feel bad just typing it, but it's true. That's how I feel. I feel.. nothing. And people would say they're the ones who feel sorry for me, but don't. I don't need your pity. Come judgement time, come my death we'll see what happens. Actually, speaking of, I never really believed that there was a Heaven. I just thought that there was.. blackness, nothing. Maybe there is life after death, but I'll never know. And no body else will either. You can believe, that's all you can do. I do hope to find God one day though. Maybe just not through Christianity. In the 7th grade I remember learning about the major religions of the world and the one religion that really interested me was Hinduism... or maybe it was Buddhism. Still, they are both very interesting religions. There should be no reason why I can't worship God in my own way, in a religion separate from my family's. So there. That's my view.


And to finish off this post I'll say that my parents have decided that they are taking my to Haiti this summer. Yayyyyyyyyy... that was sarcastic. I'm not excited to go to a country where everyone around me speaks a language (one I barely understand) that I can't and where I don't have a family member my age to talk to... but I'll go -_- I will say though that if I miss my YMS fashion show I swear to.. Him that I will never forgive my parents.

And so Summer 2011 unfolds...

Honey Bear :)

Who buys those Kidz Bop cds? Why are they still in business? Smh.

Why me?

This always happens to me. I always try my hardest to do something nice and it ends up backfiring in my face. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop trying.

I found this quote in my Grandparents' house :)

"Our eyes are placed in front because it's more important to look ahead than look back."

Getting in shape to play volleyball this fall is hard work! I've been trying to run more often, but every time I do it I feel like I'm going to pass out. Especially when I sprint up the street. I get extra lightheaded. It's scary! o_o I'm starting to think that I might have mild asthma or something since not enough oxygen is getting to my brain. This never happened when I worked out at the Y. Actually... yea it did. I remember one time I almost passed out after running on the treadmill. Scary shit. But that was after not going to the Y for a really long time... I guess I have a couple months of not working out to make up for :\
Wish me luck!

Fina11y.

We made it. We graduated high school. At last!
All that hard work has finally payed off :)
Yesterday at my party people kept asking me how it feels now. When I was sitting in my chair in that arena all I could think of was how many people before the lady would call my name. And when I finally got my diploma, I felt so relieved. Every day before that moment I thought of all the bad things that could happen. I thought of how my life could get taken away with any small mistake. I could've gotten into a car crash, I could've passed out and banged my head somewhere, I could've gotten run over, the list went on. But all went well. I got it. I'm here.

I was reading through all my cards late last night and I kept reading lines that said I would remember all the laughs and the good times and the lessons and whatnot. What's sad is that I really don't remember much. I have to think really hard to remember exactly what happened each year and how I felt, the new things I learned. It's all a big blur. But an unforgettable blur nonetheless. That's why I have my yearbook, to remind me of the things that really mattered, my friends, my teachers. And of course I have the summer to make more memories! ^_^

However, last night I was looking through my yearbook and reading the little notes that people wrote. There were two things that really stuck with me. First off, Honey Bee, I love you. Thank you so much for making that page. I absolutely love it. And I will always remember you, not only for that but for everything else you've done for me. Thank you, you really are a star. You never cease to amaze me with all your talents and the heart that you put into everything you do. Keep doing what you do, keep being you. ☆♥
Now that that's been said... the two things that stuck with me are one, what Ms. Jackson wrote, and two, Honey Bee's quote. Ms Jackson's note inspired me :) She told me to "be good and set the world on fire" (it's my new quote of the week btw). I love that. And Star? She came up with her own quote (I have no idea whether that's Ms. Jackson's original quote or not..), which is all the more amazing. "Never forget that no matter where you are, remember to stand tall cause you are amongst the stars on top of the world." It's on this little index card and it's the cutest thing I've seen in a while. I'll def keep that card close to me.

Last night, when everything was done and over with, I wrapped my arms around Domo and shut my eyes real tight. My eyes were... overwatering (teehee) as I thought about the speech Malcolm gave with my family crowded around me and my parents and all the friends who signed their love and my teachers who signed their fueling words of inspiration (does that make sense? lol). I didn't fully cry, but I definitely smiled. Because, in the words of Dr. Suess, it's over but it happened. That's all that matters.
:)

☆

You know who you are.
TEEHEE.
:)

It's so hard to say goodbye.

That's why I don't.

I remember the last day of middle school. I left the building, went straight to the bus and sat in my seat. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I probably wouldn't be able to see any of my Lexington friends again. It wasn't until I was in my bed looking through my yearbook that I started crying.
You don't really know what you have until it's gone. Those words couldn't be more true. And I think it's going to be the same for high school. I act fine with goodbyes and everything now, but come graduation, come those summer days when I'm sitting at home just thinking, my facade might falter. Luckily, my friends live in Boston, not too far away.

Still, I wonder.. is that why I'm so distant now? Is that why things seem rough with certain people? Because I'm preparing myself for that final goodbye? Maybe. I should learn to embrace it all and cherish it while it lasts, rather than just push it all away. Sigh.

I definitely won't miss high school, the building doesn't matter to me at all. It's the work, the teachers, the lessons, and the experiences that'll stick with me. It's the people, my friends that will make it -- made it all worth while. I just need to remember that they're not gone yet. There are still many good times to be had...

☼SUMMER 2011
I can't wait to see what awaits me this summer... ♫☮☆♥

Music-Less

I knew this would happen sooner or later. My baby is dead.

Sprinkles III passed away.
She won't turn on anymore :(

Well, let's hope Malcolm pulls through when he said that he'd get me an actual iPod as a graduation gift ;) I just have to survive a couple weeks without music. Easy peasy, right? o.o

Happiness

I love that earthy, fresh soil, deep forest, just after rain smell :3

Friends

A line was crossed and I'm not sure if we can go back, no matter how much I or we want to. It's just not the same. We're not as close as we were, or as much as I thought we were. We're... wilting.

Mystery Man

I had a dream about the man I'm going to marry last night. Surprisingly he was black lol. He was amazing, so sweet and funny :)
He was in some sort of play and afterwards he proposed to me in a field of flowers or something like that. I don't really remember lol. But it was really cute. The only thing is that when I asked him about the tie he was wearing he said that he borrowed it from my brother. It just reminds me of that theory where subconsciously girls want to marry their fathers. And Malcolm is like a father to me. The man who proposed wasn't Malcolm but I'm some ways he reminded me of him. It's a bit odd. Malcolm always said that I should date some guy, a geek, like himself... (only because he said they won't break my heart; he doesn't realize that I could still get my heart broken)

Anyways, I'm getting off topic. I dreamt about the man I'm going to marry and he was stunning. <3

Prom.

It was... okay. It definitely wasn't worth all that money that was spent, anger that was suppressed, or stress that was had though. All that fuss over one night that honestly wasn't that great... Sure, the experience was awesome. Everyone looked amazing! And I danced my arse off of course (with Vin and Masio and Ka'Mari and my date Lexy and lots of other people). But... no matter what I did, I couldn't get Savage off my mind. I found myself looking for him and dancing near him.. almost as if to prove to him that I was having a great time, that he was missing out on all of this, that I was happy - okay not being with him. But I couldn't have much fun seeing him dance with nearly half the girls in our class. I seriously thought that I was over him but after seeing him the other day on the street, I should've known that it wasn't that easy.

So overall I danced, I sweated, I got myself a new hat, I went to IHOP, and now I've stayed up for the sunset. I should get some sleep if I'm going to make Lexy breakfast tomorrow...

I'm just still hung up. I never got my dance, you know :[