Detached. Body Image.

Today I felt detached from everyone. I felt really good at times. My morning started off pretty well. I woke up unnecessarily early to go to breakfast with my roommate, who by the way seems so much more sociable! I don't know what happened over the long weekend but she's actually saying hi to people and hanging out with us a lot more, it's nice. I feel a tiny pang of jealousy that she talks more to Diem though... Oh well, at least she's talking to someone.

But yea, I went to breakfast, attended my two classes of the day, had lunch with my long-missed friends Chester and Jamal, went to my Green Team meeting, finally got a text message from Jay, talked to him for a bit, hung out with some friends, went to the gym, took a shower, did my hair, felt extremely accomplished afterward, then sat around in the lounge for a while with my friends afterward. I think it's at that point where I started to feel really.. separated. As the day came to a close, I thought about everything that happened and I guess I sort of felt unsatisfied?
It's sort of like each day is working at Macy's. Before you get the wrong idea, let me explain haha.
At Macy's I had a goal of how much to sell for each day. I feel as though I reached my goal for my personal self (though honestly, I barely touched my homework..), but not for my social self. I mean, I did hang out with people but I feel like it wasn't enough.

Or maybe I'm just feeling down because I didn't get a chance to see and talk to Jay one-on-one today. Maybe that's the reason why I'm still sitting her in the lounge looking up every time the elevator stops on this floor. Maybe I just......miss him?

Or no. Because missing someone couldn't make me want to cry like this. I'm feeling like this for a different reason not yet understood. I just have a feeling that I won't be able to sleep in I go to bed right now, though I am tired. That happened last night too. Oh, by the way, last night I sat with Jay until 2 in the morning just listening to music and doing homework. It was nice.

I haven't been getting much sleep this week... I need sleep. Instead I'll just stay up working on my friendship bracelet and hope that the bad feeling goes away.

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I just remembered.
I wanted to talk to my good friend Diem today.
I think I'm feeling this way because I never got to get my thoughts out...
While I was at the gym I sent her a text saying that I had a serious question to ask her.
I came back and after I showered and did my hair and everything I came back out to the lounge where she was preoccupied with a phone conversation and figuring out how to use her new Twitter account.
I never got a chance to talk to her in private tonight.
I wanted to talk about body image. My body image, to be more specific.
At the gym I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a reflection of a very thin, very tall girl. As I was stretching my arms I noticed that the girl in the mirror had forearms small enough to fit a hand around. All I wanted to accomplish was tone down the jiggle in my thighs and lose my small but protruding enough to make me hate gut. Playing volleyball, I had to stay in shape and I never got that little bulge - at one point I actually had abs! But now that I'm in college and not keeping regularly physically active, the bulge pops out again. I don't want to see it so naturally I go to the gym. I try at least once a week but today was the second time this week. For the first time I saw what others may see when they look at me. I don't want to give in to my brother's pestering, but maybe I do look anorexic...
I was going to ask Diem if I looked like I had an eating disorder. I've been trying to eat more salad (even though it tastes God-awful) and less meat. I still think that I eat a lot, just not as much as I used to. For instance, I bought a tortilla bowl thing tonight for dinner and though I'm usually able to eat the whole thing and want more, about 1/3 of it is still sitting in its container just to the left of my laptop. I feel fine. And I eat till I'm full, but is there something wrong with me? Is it just my body type that makes me so thin? I haven't checked my weight since I left home and I'm actually afraid that it may have dropped. I hope it hasn't. Maybe I should stop going to the gym.. then again, I don't want to. I want to stay fit. But when I go, do people see me as an unhealthy girl trying to be a sickly weight? I fear that's the case.
And I know I'm usually not this self-conscious and I try not to care what people think, but for some reason my reflection scared me.

I feel like crying.
My Dad called a bit ago and afterwards I called my Mom (that conversation didn't last long). I wanted to talk to Malcolm too, but he hasn't answered my text. I feel like he'd be the only one who could set my mind straight and make me feel better. Where are you when I need you? :(

And just another final note.
I find it odd how I can write out my feelings so much easier than if I had to speak them. Indeed, it does take a while to get the words just right and I end up being just a little too verbose, but I feel so much better at I write out my thoughts. Why can't I do that with other people?
Maybe that's why I should be a therapist? To help others with this sad social impairment. If they can't talk to others, they can at least always talk to me...

Okay, this essay is done. Off to work on my bracelet.

New Bracelet

I've finished yet another one!  Wooo! I have like 5 other patterns saved to do later haha. They're just so pretty, I can't help myself. Also, I'm working tomorrow. After an hour of listening to all the commercials on the radio, I've finally realized why they called me in to work an extra 5 hours... tax-free weekend. Oh no. They're gonna be swarmed with people. I'm having bad flashbacks of when I worked at Macy's the few days before Christmas... *shivers* Wish me luck, all. Hopefully I come back alive, in one piece... T_T

Done and done.

I finally finished those friendship bracelets I wanted to! It only took two months, no big deal...
I should really start selling these.

 Which one do you like better? :)

Today was my "productive day."

And instead of searching jobs or emailing volunteer places like I should be doing, I'm looking at different friendship bracelet patterns... Sigh. Sure, they're pretty sick patterns that I can't wait to try but it's sad how the second I was faced with actually doing work, I opened another tab on my web browser and searched something fun. Smh, day well spent, right?

Darius

Say hello to my new little buddy Darius! Haha :)

The longest week of my life is over! Thank goodness. I did so many things I don't even know where to begin..

Monday I went to a doctor's appointment, had lunch at Blue Star with my friend Annie, spent the third day in a row with Johnny at his mini cookout ;) And then I realized that I had homework so I stayed up all night....

Tuesday I woke up having only a couple hours of sleep, skipped my only class Expos, and took the train back to school. I got back around 4, had dinner with the girls, and went to bingo on campus (didn't win anything - of course; I hate that game...).

Wednesday I had two early appointments, figured out my schedule with my adviser, helped the Green Team organize Green Fest on campus (I even had my own table making newspaper bracelets!), had another event planting seeds with my RA (not many people went but it was still nice - I got a chance to know her better... and eat some pizza), then had to go to practice for the fashion show for the BSU Culture Show, and finally watched ABDC with my friend Sarah. I realized that Brian Puspos was on a team this season and had like a mini orgasm when I saw his face on the screen... ♥

Thursday my residence hall had a carnival on campus and there was an ice cream truck and an inflatable maze race and a ring toss table and cotton candy and snow cones and a petting zoo and a table for making sand keychains and jewelry... it was sorta cool. The animals were cute though I didn't touch them. I made a cool necklace and something else really special... Then I had practice for the fashion show again at night.

Friday I had rehearsal for the show starting at 3 until showtime at 7. It was a waste of time really. I barely did anything. We didn't start rehearsing for the fashion portion until 20 minutes before showtime -_- During the show everything was really rushed and nobody really had any idea of what they were doing so it was really nerve-wracking, but it turned out to be a success. I had lots of fun! I danced on stage (in the back behind everyone else lol). And afterwards my friends greeted me with a bouquet of newspaper flowers - how adorable!

If you look closely you can see the picture of Augustine from that Hellogoodbye concert I went to last week in the newspaper they used. *Sigh* Augustine's a hottie...

Yesterday I woke up at 5-something (I only got a couple hours of sleep again) and went to New York with my friends Vicki and Sarah. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun! I didn't get to see my friend Khanh but I did a bunch of other things. Actually, the first thing I did when I got there was build a Build-a-Bear. His name is Darius :) I couldn't think of any other names so I named him after another guy who modeled for the Culture Show. He was pretty handsome........ ♥ I found him on Facebook, his last name is Timmons ;) But yea, there was this other boy about my age (and my height!) who was also making one for the first time. He was blonde, had glasses and was wearing a winter hat... whatever, he was cute! ;)
In total I spent over $100 in New York. I'm such an idiot -_- I think it was all worth it though. I made a Build-a-Bear, something that used to be on my bucket list (not anymore, but I've still wanted to do it and I did so that's an accomplishment), I visited Central Park, something that I never got to do the first time I went to NY, and I bought my favorite book Speak, and I also got a bunch of souvenirs for Star. I can't wait for her to sleep overrrr! :D

Summary of my trip to New York haha..

That night was supposed to be the after party for the Culture Show. We got back to school at like 10 so I went to the room and changed quickly into a cute outfit, I think so at least. My roomie's sister was staying over for the night. I went to the party alone and it really wasn't too fun. None of my friends wanted to go! If I had a group of girls with me I def would've had no problem dancing the night away but I didn't. I had no one to hide my insecurities behind :( I was a waller for most of the night. I "danced" with one guy but that was it. There was this one really hot guy at the party though. I don't know his name, though I've see him around campus before. He might even live in my residence hall... He's tall, buff, blonde, with a pinkish sort of face. He was hawt! Darius (the person, not the bear) also showed up late. Too bad I was way too shy to just start dancing with either of them lol. That would've been interesting... But yea, I saw Darius leaving so I sort of followed him into the lobby (I guess so that I could make sure he saw me before I left?) and then went back to the room to sleep.

This morning I woke up early at like 10. I noticed that the flowers I planted are sprouting! They're so cute!! Anyway, I took a much needed shower, then went to breakfast with the ladies. I met my roomie's parents as they were picking up her sister. I registered for classes and got all the classes I wanted surprisingly. (I just hope I can get placed into that Chem class I need to take, otherwise I'll be really behind and probably won't graduate in 2015!)

Aren't they so cool? It's cool seeing them grow before my eyes. Oh... and I got a cactus from Green Fest too :)

My bracelet... bad quality, I know. 

That was my busy busy week. Somewhere along there I finished making my bracelet and it looks great, I must say haha. I think that NY trip and shopping therapy was exactly what I needed. I feel so much better today. Almost stress free. Then again I haven't done any actual work. I sort of just took a break. But finals are coming up and I need to work on those papers that are due. Wish me luck! This week is gonna be all about work. Not event-related work, but schoolwork... scary shit right there...

I've found a new love: making friendship bracelets.

Too bad the number of bracelets I make will never mend the ones I've broken.

"According to tradition, you tie a bracelet onto the wrist of a friend who may wish for something at that moment. The bracelet should be worn until it is totally worn-out and falls off by itself, at which moment the wish is supposed to come true."

Do you think if we both wish hard enough when I tie it on that our wish will come true?