Thursday, October 11, 2012

Detached. Body Image.

Today I felt detached from everyone. I felt really good at times. My morning started off pretty well. I woke up unnecessarily early to go to breakfast with my roommate, who by the way seems so much more sociable! I don't know what happened over the long weekend but she's actually saying hi to people and hanging out with us a lot more, it's nice. I feel a tiny pang of jealousy that she talks more to Diem though... Oh well, at least she's talking to someone.

But yea, I went to breakfast, attended my two classes of the day, had lunch with my long-missed friends Chester and Jamal, went to my Green Team meeting, finally got a text message from Jay, talked to him for a bit, hung out with some friends, went to the gym, took a shower, did my hair, felt extremely accomplished afterward, then sat around in the lounge for a while with my friends afterward. I think it's at that point where I started to feel really.. separated. As the day came to a close, I thought about everything that happened and I guess I sort of felt unsatisfied?
It's sort of like each day is working at Macy's. Before you get the wrong idea, let me explain haha.
At Macy's I had a goal of how much to sell for each day. I feel as though I reached my goal for my personal self (though honestly, I barely touched my homework..), but not for my social self. I mean, I did hang out with people but I feel like it wasn't enough.

Or maybe I'm just feeling down because I didn't get a chance to see and talk to Jay one-on-one today. Maybe that's the reason why I'm still sitting her in the lounge looking up every time the elevator stops on this floor. Maybe I just......miss him?

Or no. Because missing someone couldn't make me want to cry like this. I'm feeling like this for a different reason not yet understood. I just have a feeling that I won't be able to sleep in I go to bed right now, though I am tired. That happened last night too. Oh, by the way, last night I sat with Jay until 2 in the morning just listening to music and doing homework. It was nice.

I haven't been getting much sleep this week... I need sleep. Instead I'll just stay up working on my friendship bracelet and hope that the bad feeling goes away.


I just remembered.
I wanted to talk to my good friend Diem today.
I think I'm feeling this way because I never got to get my thoughts out...
While I was at the gym I sent her a text saying that I had a serious question to ask her.
I came back and after I showered and did my hair and everything I came back out to the lounge where she was preoccupied with a phone conversation and figuring out how to use her new Twitter account.
I never got a chance to talk to her in private tonight.
I wanted to talk about body image. My body image, to be more specific.
At the gym I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a reflection of a very thin, very tall girl. As I was stretching my arms I noticed that the girl in the mirror had forearms small enough to fit a hand around. All I wanted to accomplish was tone down the jiggle in my thighs and lose my small but protruding enough to make me hate gut. Playing volleyball, I had to stay in shape and I never got that little bulge - at one point I actually had abs! But now that I'm in college and not keeping regularly physically active, the bulge pops out again. I don't want to see it so naturally I go to the gym. I try at least once a week but today was the second time this week. For the first time I saw what others may see when they look at me. I don't want to give in to my brother's pestering, but maybe I do look anorexic...
I was going to ask Diem if I looked like I had an eating disorder. I've been trying to eat more salad (even though it tastes God-awful) and less meat. I still think that I eat a lot, just not as much as I used to. For instance, I bought a tortilla bowl thing tonight for dinner and though I'm usually able to eat the whole thing and want more, about 1/3 of it is still sitting in its container just to the left of my laptop. I feel fine. And I eat till I'm full, but is there something wrong with me? Is it just my body type that makes me so thin? I haven't checked my weight since I left home and I'm actually afraid that it may have dropped. I hope it hasn't. Maybe I should stop going to the gym.. then again, I don't want to. I want to stay fit. But when I go, do people see me as an unhealthy girl trying to be a sickly weight? I fear that's the case.
And I know I'm usually not this self-conscious and I try not to care what people think, but for some reason my reflection scared me.

I feel like crying.
My Dad called a bit ago and afterwards I called my Mom (that conversation didn't last long). I wanted to talk to Malcolm too, but he hasn't answered my text. I feel like he'd be the only one who could set my mind straight and make me feel better. Where are you when I need you? :(

And just another final note.
I find it odd how I can write out my feelings so much easier than if I had to speak them. Indeed, it does take a while to get the words just right and I end up being just a little too verbose, but I feel so much better at I write out my thoughts. Why can't I do that with other people?
Maybe that's why I should be a therapist? To help others with this sad social impairment. If they can't talk to others, they can at least always talk to me...

Okay, this essay is done. Off to work on my bracelet.

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