Just One Kiss?

It's crazy the things I imagine doing with this kid. He'd prob never talk to me again if he knew. Sigh, if only we got a little bit closer, if only I could close that gap between our bodies, if only we could hold each others' hands, if only I could stare into his eyes as we rolled around on a bed all night long… If only he didn't already have a girlfriend.

It's always the same. Just friends, if that. They will never get to see all I can be, all I can give, all we can do, if only they let me break down the high walls of my flooded heart. Emotions, thoughts gushing and overflowing but there's nowhere for them to go. I'll just drown here in my misery under the weight of this crush while you go off and give her one more kiss.

The sad life of a hopeless romantic.

I might just do something rash.

Updates first:
I gave Larry my "I find you to be very attractive" card. It was probably the most nerve-racking, most embarrasing, hardest thing I've had to do by far this year. Aside from that Miss pageant.

I'm slowly dying on the inside having to write this paper for Philosophy. I procrastinated way too much. It's not even that bad, just 6 pages, but I literally can't wrap my head around it. I know what I'd like to say, I just can't type it out in complete sentences. I fucking hate this. And it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, if maybe I shouldn't be in school...

My new favorite song is "Crave You" by Flight Facilities. It sums up my love life perfectly... Take a listen!

 And finally, I'm getting sick of my roommate. She's getting on my nerves. Thank goodness I get to leave in 2 days.. Not that I want to leave. If it were up to me I'd keep living on campus and not go home and just... kick her out.

 Now, the main point of this post. This morning before my final I ate breakfast with 3 friends, 2 girls and my friend Parker. One of the girls admitted to me that she had a "baby crush" on Parker earlier, which is fine I thought, but when I saw them interact in person today I couldn't stand it. Parker has a girlfriend and my friend has a boyfriend so I shouldn't be phased but they were walking together making little jokes back and forth and it made me upset. If, somehow, they end up dating I will be pissed. Why, you ask? Because that would just prove to me that the guys I like will never choose me because of my race. My friend and I are pretty similar: quiet, sarcastic,etc. Granted, it could just be because she's shorter and probably way better at flirting than I am (a bit more open), but I feel like Parker or any other white guy in general would choose her over me simply because she's white and I'm black. And that's not right..
Of course, this is all just in a hypothetical situation though. For now I'll let it slide.
Why do I get so upset at these things? :\

Last Night

Lol I love my friends.

I have a plan.

I'll leave him be for a while. If he wants to talk to me again, then great!

If not, then I'll go to him. And demand to know just one thing: "Tell me, do you still want to be my friend?"

I don't expect an explanation, I know what I did. But I just need to know... if I've completely ruined what we had, or if there's still a chance that I can get my good friend back.



Jeez, why does that sound so... needy?
And I know damn well that even though I planned this all out, it won't go the way I hoped. It never does. That's life, I guess. 

I had a dream.

That my other guy friends were protecting me. They would come distract me whenever Peter came around. They were protecting me from getting hurt, being sad. It was adorable. I was also a commuter or something because I went back home after class one day. And Peter called me. We had a long convo about how he wanted us to take a trip to Haiti and adopt a little girl, hopefully together. He obviously was no longer giving me the silent treatment. We talked for a while on the phone. He kept asking me questions about my background. It was as if he wanted to get to know me better, as if he actually liked me back. It was a good dream. It made me VERY happy :)

Too bad in real life he's still not talking to me. I miss him, I miss my good friend! :(
What have I done?

I fucked it up.

Why do I always mess this up? Why can't I just be friends with a guy? I sent a text and may have lost a good friendship because of it. Why did I have to confess and tell him my feelings? :(
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Stupid stupid stupiiiiid.
Now he's avoiding me.
Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I could've just held it in and not said anything and gotten crushed by my crush, as usual.
But I didn't.
And now I think I've lost a friendship. Great.

But that's how I learn, right?
Next time I know not to overthink things and just hold back my feelings and never let the guy know how much I really like him. Now I know.
Rule one in relationships: Keep your trap shut.

I am way too nice.

I bought someone (a friend I honestly don't know that well - an acquaintance, really) a full bag of snickers minis because his birthday was yesterday. Was it because I felt bad for having seen him 3 times earlier that day without having said happy birthday to him? Or was it because I think all birthdays should be celebrated? Either way, I realized after giving it to him that I am just way too nice. Granted, it felt awesome to hear that "it was the best gift he'd gotten" after giving it to him, but I really didn't have to get him anything.

I'm just way too nice.

Drinking with the broski...

I know I'm over thinking things but let me update you real quick.
Tonight my brother and I went to visit our cousins who live down the street. Calzone, uno, jenga, moscato... It was fun. We tried to play 13 (a Vietnamese card game) but none of us knew the rules for sure and my brother didn't believe us when my cousin and I said he couldn't do a certain move. So while he googled the rules, I decided to ask one of my Viet friends - Jay haha. He didn't know how to play, but we had a text convo about spring break and kings (the drinking card game) and how he should have a few drinks for me on Friday at his birthday party. He replied with this:

"I will x] next semester let's have fun!!! I'm not your RA, but your friend okay!?!?! Will mean a lot to me"

Again, I know I'm overthinking this but.. doesn't that sound like he means something more? Like he wanted to hang out and do stuff this year but couldn't because of his position? Idk. I guess we really are just friends. Or at least that's what I've reduced our relationship to (after not really talking to him for those few weeks after my embarrassing drunken vomiting night..).
If anything I made it more clear that we're just friends by saying of course, but that he'll have to help a FRIEND out and give me a ride haha.
Whatever, I'm over him. He's a great guy, but it's better that we're just friends, ya know? Besides, I'm down to party anytime. Especially next year when I'll be 21. And he'll be a graduate with a car. It just sounds like an all around good time lol. I can't wait.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

Just watched three movies in a row with some of my closest friends.

Eventful Saturday night :)

Detached, Part II

I just love how we don't talk anymore and I'm not invited to go party with you. Throwed, those 18+ parties I've been wanting to go to foreverrrrrr. I would love to go, but it's fine that I'm not.
I probably brought this upon myself. The distance I initiated, all the times I avoided talking to her. I did it all myself. To myself. Why? I thought I'd be better off. And now I'm just... a little unhappy. That I'm missing out. That because I don't talk to her, I feel detached and like an outsider now.

How quickly things like this change...


Well, on the plus side, last night I had a dream about Jimmy and I finally getting together. Well, we hooked up and made out. It was reeeeaaaallly nice ;) But then he went to go get something and.. never came back. Great. I'm getting abandoned even in my dreams...

If I were being completely honest...

I'd say that I'm not okay with her hanging out with him. I named my teddy bear after him, for God's sake! She should know that when I say I'm over him, I'm really not. I'm not comfortable with them hanging out. And I realized not too long ago that probably the only reason why he's been acknowledging my existence more now is because he wants to get closer to her.
She's gorgeous, no doubt about it. I can try to boost up my self-esteem and say that I'm not so bad-looking myself, but let's be real. I'm nothing compared to her. None of the guys I like ever pay me any mind. Not her, she could literally have any guy she wants. But she wants him. Funny, because not too long ago she said that she was over her little crush on him, that he's not attractive at all. That was before when she had a boyfriend. And now? Well, now she's on the lookout for a new guy. Or maybe a play toy, I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it.

But you know what? After that incident two Thursdays ago I'm not that close to her anyway. So I don't care. I'm okay with it, with them. I'm fine, really.

My Valentine(s)

I really felt the love this year.

It was good.

Last Night

Last night/this morning I threw up for the first time in around 12 years. It wasn't that I overdrank - I had less than what I usually do actually. I just drank on an empty stomach. Bad idea. But my friends stayed and helped take care of me. They are amazing. (And these are the friends that I've recently started hanging out with just this week, not my supposed "Clang Clang" friends...) I know I was sorta freaking out because of my (now past) phobia of vomiting, but they were awesome for staying with me. It's times like those that really show you who your true friends are...

Jimmy showed up was asked to be in the room and I really regret that decision now. I tried to apologize in person and he wasn't in his room so I sent a text message but he still hasn't replied to it. Why must I fuck things up? Smh. And I had a drunken conversation with Frank-o-bean for maybe 2 hours. Greeeeeeaaaaat.

Oh yeah. And I was asked if I was A-sexual yesterday too. What fun.

Still Smiling During Snowstorm Nemo!

My friend Steph and I went out and started sledding with bin tops. It was awesome.

I mean, You Only Live Once, right?

I can't sleep.

Apparently whatever I did tonight, half-consciously keeping Diem from hooking up with Darius was a bad decision. She was mad and she.. expressed her feelings to me. I get it now, I was wrong. She knows what she wants. But it still hurt me. And she was right, I DEFINITELY didn't want to hug her though I said it was okay that she did. What I took away from that.. (I wouldn't even call it a conversation) is that I shouldn't butt in anything about Diem's life. I should just back off. Forever. So I will. I love how tonight was supposed to be my birthday celebration too. What a great way to end it all, right? Getting yelled at? Fuck that. I.. don't need this. I shouldn't feel bad at all. Yes, I was drunk - she was drunk, but I shouldn't feel bad. I'm just done, period. Just another part of my life that's done and over with like Vicky and Jimmy. I'm done.

Best Night Ever

I drank with the boys in the other wing (Cody, Tim, Parker, etc.) and I had so much fun lmao. It's ridiculous the things that happen when guys get drunk. I'm talking about cowboy hats and wrestling and pretzels and food trips and cards and laying on top of closets and Hunger Games. It was great. They're really great guys and I finally edged my way into their group >:D

I'm loving this "have fun" philosophy. I have so many stories to tell lol.

And to think that my morning started off crappy! Larry said hi to me and I had a bunch of fun drinking. I can't wait for tomorrow night when we play Kings...

Friendly/Flirty

It's sad how being polite and nice is so rarely seen that when one comes across it, they mistake it for being flirty. I've fallen in this trap and I can't get out of it. It He is like a black hole consuming my thoughts with the littlest of actions and gestures. I can't help but fall for him. But the feelings will never be returned. I need a distraction, a flaw, something to stray my gaze from him. This year's resolution included not chasing him, but somehow every talk we have, every laugh we share, every glance caught lures me further in. And what's the appeal? His kindness. Maybe it's because I have no idea how to flirt or what it looks like that I've gotten so confused. Since when did the line separating friendliness and flirtiness get so thin?

I'm convinced that this whole college thing is just one big social test. And I'm in danger in failing.

Last night was awfully crazy...

I stayed up until 5 in the morning helping my friend Lizzie care for her roommate (and also my friend) Jess. Vomit and scares and Jay and trouble and laughs. But it made for one interesting night I certainly won't ever forget haha.

I've met some of the best, nicest people in the world here at school and I'm so glad they're such good friends of mine.
:)