I fucked it up.

Why do I always mess this up? Why can't I just be friends with a guy? I sent a text and may have lost a good friendship because of it. Why did I have to confess and tell him my feelings? :(
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Stupid stupid stupiiiiid.
Now he's avoiding me.
Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I could've just held it in and not said anything and gotten crushed by my crush, as usual.
But I didn't.
And now I think I've lost a friendship. Great.

But that's how I learn, right?
Next time I know not to overthink things and just hold back my feelings and never let the guy know how much I really like him. Now I know.
Rule one in relationships: Keep your trap shut.

Detached, Part II

I just love how we don't talk anymore and I'm not invited to go party with you. Throwed, those 18+ parties I've been wanting to go to foreverrrrrr. I would love to go, but it's fine that I'm not.
I probably brought this upon myself. The distance I initiated, all the times I avoided talking to her. I did it all myself. To myself. Why? I thought I'd be better off. And now I'm just... a little unhappy. That I'm missing out. That because I don't talk to her, I feel detached and like an outsider now.

How quickly things like this change...


Well, on the plus side, last night I had a dream about Jimmy and I finally getting together. Well, we hooked up and made out. It was reeeeaaaallly nice ;) But then he went to go get something and.. never came back. Great. I'm getting abandoned even in my dreams...

I literally just lay there in my bed for three minutes listening to my very loud alarm go off. I feel really bad for my roommate :( I had a dream about my alarm going off and I couldn't - didn't wake up to turn if off. I'm horrible haha.

Males of the Mind

"I understand. You're not attracted to me. C'est la vie."

- Rushmore (1998)

I'm trying to get over Jay. And at the same time I'm working on forming and building relationships with my guy friends - ones where I won't end up developing romantic feelings for them. It's harder than it seems because, well, I like to surround myself with people who have qualities I like, you know?
But anyway, because I'm focusing so much on the guys in my life, the more attractive ones really stick out. Like all the guys I work with at Staples. Damn, I don't know how so many beauties got assigned to one store... I found out that one of them recently broke up with his girlfriend, hmmm... I was wondering why he was so flirty the other day. And now I know haha.
But per usual, even before I got to know any of them I told myself that it would never work out between us.

Because they're so much more open than I am, because our personalities don't match.
Because I'm too tall.
Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful.
Because I'm not attractive enough.
Because I have awkward large hands and big feet and a big, ugly nose.
Because I'm too quiet and came off as not interested.
Because of all the other reasons floating around in my mind.
The list goes on and on.

The list that I use as my defense mechanism. The list that always keeps me at a distance from the opposite sex. The list that I refer to whenever I find someone that I might like and eventually even fall for. The list that gives me reasons to avoid getting involved with that person. The list that challenges my self esteem every single damn day.

Through habit, I've tricked myself into believing that I'm not attractive to guys - or at least not attractive enough to risk getting into a relationship with. C'est la vie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh. In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm gonna get fired. The other day at work some guy came in claiming that he opened his newly bought box of ink cartridges and inside the individual packages were already opened and he wanted a new one. He was an honest-looking middle-aged man who wanted a refund or exchange. At the time, it made sense to me. It sounded like he was telling the truth so I told him to grab another and I exchanged it for him. Only afterwards when I called the manager on duty to the front (this guy is around my age and also one of the attractive guys working here) did he say that for situations like that I should call him to the front because I basically just let the guy walk away with $90 worth of product. It didn't occur to me that the man could've been lying - he even offered to talk to the manager about it, but there were other people in line and I let him go. The attractive manager said he didn't want me to lose my job... those words were what really sunk in. I felt bad about it for a good hour or two afterward. It took seeing the attractive manager dance and sing and be happy, and my other attractive coworkers making me laugh for me to eventually let it go. But I still feel bad about it even now. I felt so stupid and useless! I really hope I don't lose my job. I didn't mean any harm... I swear, it's one mistake I won't let happen ever again. Hopefully the attractive manager will see that. :\

Problemssssss, sigh.