Confession

I think my biggest fear is that I will die the same way I lived - with my thoughts locked away in my mind. I fear that I will never be open. I fear that I'll never be able to speak my mind freely with another person, that I'll never have someone know my life story. I fear that I'll never have made a difference in a single person's life by the time I leave this world. That's what scares me: feeling like just an insignificant speck on the face of the planet whose life was utterly indifferent to the world.

I might just do something rash.

Updates first:
I gave Larry my "I find you to be very attractive" card. It was probably the most nerve-racking, most embarrasing, hardest thing I've had to do by far this year. Aside from that Miss pageant.

I'm slowly dying on the inside having to write this paper for Philosophy. I procrastinated way too much. It's not even that bad, just 6 pages, but I literally can't wrap my head around it. I know what I'd like to say, I just can't type it out in complete sentences. I fucking hate this. And it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, if maybe I shouldn't be in school...

My new favorite song is "Crave You" by Flight Facilities. It sums up my love life perfectly... Take a listen!

 And finally, I'm getting sick of my roommate. She's getting on my nerves. Thank goodness I get to leave in 2 days.. Not that I want to leave. If it were up to me I'd keep living on campus and not go home and just... kick her out.

 Now, the main point of this post. This morning before my final I ate breakfast with 3 friends, 2 girls and my friend Parker. One of the girls admitted to me that she had a "baby crush" on Parker earlier, which is fine I thought, but when I saw them interact in person today I couldn't stand it. Parker has a girlfriend and my friend has a boyfriend so I shouldn't be phased but they were walking together making little jokes back and forth and it made me upset. If, somehow, they end up dating I will be pissed. Why, you ask? Because that would just prove to me that the guys I like will never choose me because of my race. My friend and I are pretty similar: quiet, sarcastic,etc. Granted, it could just be because she's shorter and probably way better at flirting than I am (a bit more open), but I feel like Parker or any other white guy in general would choose her over me simply because she's white and I'm black. And that's not right..
Of course, this is all just in a hypothetical situation though. For now I'll let it slide.
Why do I get so upset at these things? :\

When you have a dream in which you're angry and frustrated, and you wake up feeling the same way, as if it actually happened.

I just woke up from a very disappointing dream.
It started off with me reading the status of my crush Larry on Facebook. It said something along the lines of "When the person you want the most leaves before you can talk to them. Christina." Now, a few days ago I noticed that he was at an event I went to on campus (I got super excited, of course), but I left before him after it ended because my friend was embarrassing me by calling out his name (eventhough he was all the way across the "auditorium", I was still worried he might hear).

Anyway, so in my dream I read his status and got really excited  because I thought he was talking about me. Some other girl named Christina commented on it, but somehow I just knew he was talking about me.

So the next day out of the blue some guy proposes to me. (This guy is not Larry by the way, he's some other guy around campus I've seen who I find to be really cute. Maybe my subconscious mind couldn't depict Larry correctly, maybe it was a completely separate dream, I don't know...) I said yes and we took a day trip out to somewhere to elope. We came back to school and we were hanging out and I was so happy, it was amazing. Except it felt like he was holding back, like there was something bothering him.
So I tried talking to him. I sat on his lap, stared into his green eyes and asked what was wrong. He tried to cover it u[ but eventually it all came out. "Why me? Why do you like me?" I didn't understand and I told him just the way he was, every bit of him. Then he said, "It makes everything so complicated." The cat broke loose from the bag, "I know, but I had to ask for permission. Why did you have to choose me?" Apparently, he had to ask permission from some woman of president-like status in the school if he could marry me, and our marriage was single taboo event of the entire campus.
I was shocked and upset. It seemed as though he didn't really love me as I loved him. So we fought.
Eventually I walked  away and got in an elevator going up to my floor. And guess who was in there? The president lady. She said, "What can you expect? These types of things were never meant to last." And by "things" she meant interracial relationships. I got sooooo mad! I told her that studies show that interracial relationships actually last longer that single-race relationships. So she asked for my source but of course I didn't have it. She said, "I should've never granted that boy's request and allowed this to happen."
It was awful. She was telling me that my marriage was a mistake. I finally got out the elevator, angrier than ever. My husband, "Justin" happened to be there. He tried to console me and apologize, but I wouldn't let him touch me. I asked him, "Was this all even real? Or was it just a stupid little social experiment?" He had no response so I left.

It was a very upsetting dream. I woke up extremely mad and it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream and that I didn't have any real reason to be angry.
But I wonder, is that really the reason why guys I like (those of a different race) don't pursue me? Am I not attractive to them or is it just considered taboo that they should like me? What's the problem? I'd like to know. It's times like these that really discourage me. I may just end up alone for the rest of my life. Yaaaaaay... -__-

I have no idea what I'm doing...

It's hard to let go.

 Very hard.

I refuse to let myself chase again, but.. we're friends, I guess. This is about Jay obviously.
We talk. About life and problems. And we're okay - it's not awkward.
I just don't think I'm okay with letting him and the possibility of us becoming more than friends go so easily. I guess I've never just had a guy friend before. Even with Frank-o-bean it went from friend to crush to.. JUST friends. I had to fall for him first and admit it to him to get to where we are now: just good friends who joke around with each other. It's as though I can never just be friends with a guy, I always get those feelings for them. And after so many years I guess I'm still confused as to why these guys don't like me like that.

It's really hard to let go of something that at one time seemed so real and possible, something as beautiful and satisfying as finding someone to be with.

It's really hard to be just friends. Even harder to not be friends at all.

And at the end of the day I wonder... why not me?

Males of the Mind

"I understand. You're not attracted to me. C'est la vie."

- Rushmore (1998)

I'm trying to get over Jay. And at the same time I'm working on forming and building relationships with my guy friends - ones where I won't end up developing romantic feelings for them. It's harder than it seems because, well, I like to surround myself with people who have qualities I like, you know?
But anyway, because I'm focusing so much on the guys in my life, the more attractive ones really stick out. Like all the guys I work with at Staples. Damn, I don't know how so many beauties got assigned to one store... I found out that one of them recently broke up with his girlfriend, hmmm... I was wondering why he was so flirty the other day. And now I know haha.
But per usual, even before I got to know any of them I told myself that it would never work out between us.

Because they're so much more open than I am, because our personalities don't match.
Because I'm too tall.
Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful.
Because I'm not attractive enough.
Because I have awkward large hands and big feet and a big, ugly nose.
Because I'm too quiet and came off as not interested.
Because of all the other reasons floating around in my mind.
The list goes on and on.

The list that I use as my defense mechanism. The list that always keeps me at a distance from the opposite sex. The list that I refer to whenever I find someone that I might like and eventually even fall for. The list that gives me reasons to avoid getting involved with that person. The list that challenges my self esteem every single damn day.

Through habit, I've tricked myself into believing that I'm not attractive to guys - or at least not attractive enough to risk getting into a relationship with. C'est la vie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh. In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm gonna get fired. The other day at work some guy came in claiming that he opened his newly bought box of ink cartridges and inside the individual packages were already opened and he wanted a new one. He was an honest-looking middle-aged man who wanted a refund or exchange. At the time, it made sense to me. It sounded like he was telling the truth so I told him to grab another and I exchanged it for him. Only afterwards when I called the manager on duty to the front (this guy is around my age and also one of the attractive guys working here) did he say that for situations like that I should call him to the front because I basically just let the guy walk away with $90 worth of product. It didn't occur to me that the man could've been lying - he even offered to talk to the manager about it, but there were other people in line and I let him go. The attractive manager said he didn't want me to lose my job... those words were what really sunk in. I felt bad about it for a good hour or two afterward. It took seeing the attractive manager dance and sing and be happy, and my other attractive coworkers making me laugh for me to eventually let it go. But I still feel bad about it even now. I felt so stupid and useless! I really hope I don't lose my job. I didn't mean any harm... I swear, it's one mistake I won't let happen ever again. Hopefully the attractive manager will see that. :\

Problemssssss, sigh.

I Want This

With this.

And some moments like this.

Or just this. That'd be fine too...
Or Harry Shum Jr., why you soo sexay?
;)

The Pros and Cons of Single Life

Created by 50shadesoftayy. Check out her blog.

Pros:

• you don’t have to think for two
• you have free time 24/7
• you’re not exactly tied down to anyone
• MONEY SAVED.
• not having to remember anniversaries, birthdays, all other couple related dates.
• not being pressured to have sex (although no one should pressure you, you should wait until you’re ready/comfortable with your mate.)
• arguments.
• get to know yourself better.
• get to expand your social circle, without someone getting jealous.

Cons:

• SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.
• when those times you’re lonely, and you don’t feel like just calling someone up just to chill. You want someone who genuinely wants you and misses you.
• doing those sick-mushy couple stuff with.
• dates. and getting all dressed up and excited to be spending time with them.
• talking about your future and what you want to accomplish with that person.
• hearing love songs and instantly thinking about that one person.
• knowing that someone wants YOU. and ONLY YOU. NOBODY ELSE. JUST YOU.
• always someone to talk too, and giving/receiving advice to better that person.
• someone to encourage you when you’re down and depressed.
• getting excited about the future with that person.

That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell for me, though I've never been in an actual relationship before so I can't really say much else.

Marley Quote

Sexilation & Male Strippers

I was sexiled from my room and all of my friends either had gone home for the weekend or were off being losers doing homework or something. And to top it off, Jay was in his room sleeping right when I'd really wanted to spend time with him and possibly watch Spirited Away together. The only reason I stayed in Framingham tonight was because he'd invited me to go to some party at "the Rugby house", but he'd never sent me the address and since he was sleeping it didn't look like he was going anywhere so I felt like I'd wasted my time. I was lonely and feeling depressed. My friend Lizzie had told me to just scrap Jay cause he didn't have the balls to make a move. So I was getting sad. I posted a status saying "What's the point anymore?"
After some time my new friend Holly joined me and we were going to go to her room and watch the rest of the Hunger Games (since we'd never finished it from that other night we started it). I went over to Lizzie's room to grab my things and all of a sudden someone knocked on the door. I opened it and guess who it was...

JAY. WEARING HIS SEXY FIREMAN COSTUME FROM THE OTHER NIGHT. Trailed by Holly, he came in dancing to Gangnum Style, a song I'd been listening to earlier in the lounge. Lizzie and I were so shocked lol. He pulled me in the middle of the room to dance and he was booty bumping me and he even started stripping! The room got hawt. And everyone was a little sweaty from dancing. He told me "I heard you weren't having a good day so I came to cheer you up."

.....

What the fuck. How can I scrap him after that? lol. If that's not a sign he likes me, what is?
So later when he comes back from that Rugby house party, I'm gonna try and spend some more alone time with him. Just me and my fireman Jay.

I don't wanna just be friends. If there's something there - which I think there is - I think we should make it happen. The only problem is that I don't want to get him in trouble...

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, let me know how you feel!

So I've come to realize that I'm HORRIBLE at flirting. It doesn't matter what anybody says. I am, period.
I was sitting in the lounge with a group of friends and, lo-and-behold, Jay comes by. Of course he sits down. He tells us that he lost his game and that he's dead. His neck was hurting so he asked me to fix it and lays his head on the top of the couch next to me. I don't know how to give massages, I'm not even gonna try. Especially not on some guy I sorta kinda like (who may or may not sorta kinda like me too) in front of a group of people I know. I just.. can't. So I poked his neck for a bit, that's it. I didn't know what to do. Looking back on it, I get the feeling he expected me to get more physical and actually give him a massage.. or at least attempt to. But I'm shy. I couldn't do it.
Sigh, my shyness will get me NOWHERE with a guy. And don't even get me started on flirting. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary.

Oh, but wait. Just as I finish this post Jay came around again. And I told him to join me while I finish homework. He is. So let's see how this ends... Me in my robe and retainer and him in his revealing black tee. Sigh, my life..

Why am I so awkward?!

Why is it that I can't form a platonic relationship with a guy? I always end up viewing any sort of interaction a guy has with me as something more than it is - often times, as him flirting with me in unsubtle way. I imagine guys as having an ulterior sexual motive with me, even when I know nothing will ever happen between us. Is it because most of the times a guy has ever approached me it's to hit on me (almost always delivered by a creepy older, middle-aged man)? Is it because I have no idea what actual flirting looks like? Or do I harbor some other hidden fear/doubts about men? What is WRONG with me? Why can't I have a normal conversation with my male RA without having to hold myself back due to concerns about leading him on? It's not because I think I'm the hottest piece of woman on earth, not at all! It's something else that I just can't put my finger on.

I'm always holding my true emotions back... Sigh.

"The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you." --Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Through text and serious thought I've come to a conclusion. It's not necessarily the best or one that I like, but if I'm being honest with myself and thoughts and feelings, it's the truth. And now that that's somewhat settled I'm okay. I guess. Better. At ease. Less anxious.

When you write and contemplate long enough, you find answers you never knew you knew.

Images of Media distort my expectations of life.

Expectations of my body, my relationships, my family; those "big" moments like my sweet sixteen, prom, graduation, high school, college. Media messes with everything.
I'm horrifically skewed compared to society's image. I tower over others at the abnormal female height of six feet. My curly, kinky hair likes to rebel against me daily. Shopping for shoes is not particularly fun. My nose is hideously large. The list goes on and on and on...
My family communicates by yelling at each other. We don't have tender heart-to-heart moments. We piss each other off and eat dinner in our separate rooms. I'm 19 and have yet to have a boyfriend, Let alone go on a date or have my lip virginity taken. My sweet sixteen was spent mostly with family. It instead showed me just how few friends I had. Graduation fizzled in awkwardness after I said goodbye to those few important friends and went home. My first year of college was not spent in a haze of booze and drugs and partying and wild dancing. It was more spent in awkward talks between acquaintances. And trying to figure out how to get my shit together (failing unsuccessfully).

But the one thing that Media truly fucked up was my image of the all-important best friend.

What exactly is a best friend?

Media portrays it to a be the one person who understands you, who will be there for you in your times of need. They are often seen as the person you spent all your childhood with. They just so happen to live a few houses away from you. You see them every single day and converse with them even more frequently. You share your experiences, secrets, fears, hopes, and dreams with them. Your family knows them and accepts them as if they were part of the family. They're that person with whom your bond transcends blood (unless, I guess, your best friend is your twin). You grow together with them. And after number of sleep overs and fights, there comes a certain point when you don't even have to say anything to them to be understood. Just a look will do. A point when your conversations are about stupid, pointless stuff because you feel comfortable around them. Because you trust them with everything that's important to you, including the many random thoughts. You trust and value their opinion. You admire them in a way. That's a best friend in Media's eyes.

And that is why it's marred for me.
I should know not to look to sitcom shows and movies for any ideas about real life, but over years of collected television time the impression of a best friend stuck with me. Sure, some of those things are true (or should be), but not every "best-friendship" is the same.
I'm not really sure how mine works. There are definitely some things that I wish I could change about it. Then I realize that my expectations are way out there. In the end I guess it should be about comfort and trust. And it should go both ways. No part about the relationship should be one-sided.

This gets me thinking about the past and present - and the future too. Essentially doubts and insecurities spawn these thoughts. Because communication has ceased. Actually, now that I think about it, this is pretty much exactly what happened with Blake. Communication stopped, we grew apart, then finally we broke.

Everything connects. One thing happens because of something else. One event creates fear in another similar one. It all makes sense.

THE PIE-TASTROPHY!

How To Talk To A Shy Person

I don't really know who this JayFluent person is, but I keep seeing him around online. And I agree with this video.. most parts of it at least haha. I also like his "Why You Should Date An Asian" video lol. ♥

Yea, this is for you. You know who you are.

Nightmare

I woke up crying this morning... again.
I had a nightmare. It felt real, it was terrifying.

My sister shot me point blank. Seven times.

What does that say about our relationship now?


What a great start to my day...