Everything's fucked up.

I watched My Neighbor Totoro last night.

And it was absolutely adorable. Now I know why everybody loves him :)

Totoro... he'll never let you down.

Audrey Kawasaki is one of my favorite artists.

:)

Rejected

Actually, this is the first time I've ever been rejected. I guess because all the other times I never actually went for it. It sucks. And to make it even worse my best friend is saying I'm acting like a spoiled brat. Really? I have an idea why she said that, but still, it hurts. I'm glad I did it after school ended though. I don't have to see him anymore except at prom and graduation. No big deal, right? Just leave and don't look back, it should be easy enough. I hope.
Sigh. That was short lived...

I PASSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Ms. Bradeen signed me out! And I spent precious time with my Twinn♥ And I went to the game (they lost, but it was still a great game!). And I gave him my number. And we texted ^_^ And I took pictures with my friends. And.. And... today was just an awesome day. Happy sigh.


♥

So Heavy

How am I supposed to study for my final when I have all this crap to and all these family parties to attend and all those thoughts about him in my head? I keep planning my graduation party, but if I don't study will I even be able to graduate? It's scary thinking about how many people I'd be letting down if I failed precalc. Most importantly I'd be letting myself down.
It feels like I have the world on my shoulders and I think I might just crack under the pressure.
D:

Sigh.

Whenever I think about him my heart stutters and a stupid smile creeps up on my face.

It should be common knowledge not to get into a relationship or anything senior year, but these things don't come planned. I had no idea this would happen and I definitely don't like feeling this way, but it's out of my control isn't it. There's not much I can do except ride this high until I reach the low.

After a few talks with my friends I've come up with a game plan. After their last game I'm going to give him my number. I have it all planned out in my mind lol. He lives close to school so I imagine him walking down the front steps and me running out after him. "Wait! Andrew! (or Savage, whichever)" He stops, and turns around. I look up to him and say "Hey, umm, I just wanted to let you know... that I think your funny.. and really cute. And umm (I slip him a note with my phone number on it) I think we should talk and hangout some time. Call me. Or text, that works too."
... And that's all I have planned out. Maybe I'll run away after lmao. I sound so cool, right? In my mind I'm calm and collected, just a bit nervous, but I know that come the time for me to execute my plan, I'll literally be shaking with fear. It's scary telling people how you feel! Especially face to face. But that's a part of growing up I guess. You have to learn how to step out of your shell and try something new. Like a friend once said, "Do something that scares you everyday." :)
There are a number of things that could go wrong. He might not go home after the game. He might not go home ALONE after the game. He could be upset. I might not be able to find him. But whatever happens, I'll try my best to do this. It's good for my confidence (having the courage to actually do it). Plus, there could be some good that comes out of this... ;)
Anywho, I'll wait a nerve-racking week and if he doesn't respond then that's when I know I need get over him and move on. Sigh, all this thinking lol. This is what he does to me. On the bright side, if he does respond and we do get to talking... then I might just get a boyfriend (like Lexy keeps telling me to do lol). That's if what Vicky says is true, that we were flirting with each other. That's if he likes me back...

Agh, I'm so anxious!

Freckles

So according to Star, we were "flirting" at practice today -_-
I don't want to believe it because I'd be setting myself up to get hurt again just like all the other times. But then again, he sort of started noticing and talking to me first. So maybe she's right. Or not. Either way...... I can't flirt lmao. I'm like the least sexy person in Boston. I can't lure any guy near, which is why by this Friday (Monday, really) I will have gone through 4 years of high school without achieving my goal of going out on a real date. I guess I'm unapproachable. So much for wishful thinking. I was sure I would've gotten it done this year too...

But, I'm going to the states game tomorrow. To support the team. To see and maybe talk to (more like argue with) him lol. It's obvious I just don't want to admit it.
Oh hey! It's raining. The perfect time for me to sleep. The sound helps me sleep :3 Night loves!

'Black Rabbit Summer' Quote

By Kevin Brooks, one of my favorite authors :)

"Friends. People you know. People you used to know. People you think you once knew, but probably never did. You probably just knew a part of them, the part of them that was your friend. And the rest, the parts of them that you didn't know -- the twisted parts, the untrue parts, the parts you're seeing now -- well, back then you just ignored them. But now you can't. Because now you can see it all, and now you know that "back then" wasn't all wonderful and innocent. It was just a time and a place, just like every other time and place. The only difference now is that the things -- the people -- that belonged to the old time and place aren't here anymore, and things that aren't here anymore don't hurt anymore. The only things that hurt are the things that hurt right now."

It's amazing how he can get inside the mind of a teenager so well. I mean, of course he was one once too, but still, his writing, his stories, always somehow remind me of... myself, my life.

End of the Road

So...the year is almost over. And I keep saying how I'm not gonna miss the majority of the people in that school, but I will miss hanging out with all my friends, the people I actually talk to. We've had so many good times :) That's life I guess. Always moving, always changing. You meet more people and make new friends and hopefully you keep the old ones too.
Last summer was the best I ever had because I got to spend a bunch of time with all my friends. My goal is to do that again (while getting a job because being broke isn't fun). There's only so much time left before we go our separate ways... it sorta makes me sad.

But anyway, I haven't been getting much of any sleep lately. Last week I was tired everyday, then over the weekend I had so much to do that I couldn't get a full night's sleep, and now so far this week I haven't slept well either. It's exhausting. I go to school and I'm so tired that I'm either like a zombie or I just sleep in class. Today though I came home after Chorus, ate, got my prom shoes!, and fell asleep lol. At least I'll have gotten like 4 hours of sleep tonight, right? haha. It's so bad.
I had a dream while I was "napping" though. It was about him. The freckled kid. It's true that dreams are a part of the subconscious mind, but I've always felt that everything you dream of has some sort of relevance to real life, your thoughts, your feelings. (Is that true as well?) And for me to have a dream about him says something really important, especially considering what happened in the dream. In summary, I think my dream means that I want to be close to him. Or some part of my subconscious does. Maybe it was just a random thought way back in the crevices of my brain working it's way into pictures on the forefront of my mind. Or maybe that's what's really on my mind. Hmmmm... Yeah, you could say that I'm overthinking this lol.

Okay, I have to go do homework now. (Yes, there are teachers who are still giving out work to do -_- ) My brain is so dead I don't know how I'm gonna write this essay thing for English. Sigh. Night! Or actually, morning! I told you I was going nocturnal...

How I Roll

Today was... very eventful. Senior skip day, I definitely won't forget it.

You know that person who annoys the bageegees outta you but you still end up talking to anyway? Well in this case I guess I kinda want to talk to him. He does things I don't like, but he.. interests me. Maybe it's the freckles. You can't tell much about a person without talking to them anyway haha.. I really need to get some new guy friends -_- All these volleyball guys... they just don't do me any good.

I'm.. not happy. At all. I feel like I'm losing all my friends. And the fact that graduation is right around the corner makes it all the more depressing. I wish things were back to the way they used to be. When I didn't question myself or regret so much. Back when I was at least somewhat happy. This sucks. I truly appreciate Thomas' little encouraging comments and Twinn's advice. But I doubt things will go back to the way they were. Even if Star and I started talking again, I don't think it'll be the same :( And that just means that we weren't really best friends at all. Because best friends, no matter how far or how long apart, when reunited they should stay the same... right? I knew there was a reason why I didn't like the term "best friend". So far for each one I've had, it's never worked out. And it hurts too much to lose them.. I can't stand it. She knows my story and I'd like to say I know hers.. or at least some of hers, what she told me.. It sucks knowing all that and having all those memories and NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Sigh.

Yea... and I hate Ms. Bradeen... like with a fiery passion. That bitch. If she doesn't pass me, I swear she will have hell to pay >_>

This morning my dad gave me a much needed $10 (I've been broke for a while now). And do you know what I did today? I treated two of my friends to froyo for their birthdays. And now I'm broke again. I'm not sure if what I did is a good thing, I mean, it sure felt good, but it may not have been smart. I remember a while ago I said that I was gonna be frugal, but that didn't last at all -_- I think I'm doomed to be a spender. I'm considered the "smart spender" of my siblings, but now I just feel stupid. I guess in the end it depends on how I spend my money. Spending it on friends seems okay to me, as long as I'm not blowing everything all at once. I sorta did, but I know I did it for a good reason, to see my friends smile. It's the least I could do :)

WHAT THE FUCK.

I can't even be happy that I just came back from an awesome Far East Movement concert, my first concert, because I saw you. I txted you on my way there and you replied "who's this". One, I hate it when people say that and two, how could you not know it was me? I'm hoping that you just got a new sim card for your iPhone and lost all your contacts. I hope. Cause otherwise that means you deleted my number. I have no idea what I did or what happened to make you not talk to me, but I'm sick of it now. I thought I could sit and wait for you to say something, but I don't think I can. Passive was never the way we were. I'd love to confront you but how do I approach you after we haven't spoken for two weeks? This is complete bullshit. Thanks, best friend. Never again...

:(

I'm slowly becoming nocturnal.

This is the worst possible time too because May is a very busy month. Finals are approaching and I need to be studying. Instead, I'm either sleeping in class or I'm sleeping right when I get home (which means I wake up at 7 or 8 at night and don't get any work done).
:\

On Osama Bin Laden's Death

"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

Exactly.

THANK YOU.

It's a shame how we only find imperfections in ourselves. If only you knew how beautiful you really are...