Elle Varner (ft. J. Cole) - Only Wanna Give It To You

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I wrote another poem (February 25, 2014)

Where do I see myself in 5 years?

I don't know. In some place where I'm happy, I hope.

Just One Kiss?

It's crazy the things I imagine doing with this kid. He'd prob never talk to me again if he knew. Sigh, if only we got a little bit closer, if only I could close that gap between our bodies, if only we could hold each others' hands, if only I could stare into his eyes as we rolled around on a bed all night long… If only he didn't already have a girlfriend.

It's always the same. Just friends, if that. They will never get to see all I can be, all I can give, all we can do, if only they let me break down the high walls of my flooded heart. Emotions, thoughts gushing and overflowing but there's nowhere for them to go. I'll just drown here in my misery under the weight of this crush while you go off and give her one more kiss.

The sad life of a hopeless romantic.

When you come home from work only to snap and start crying uncontrollably... that's when you know you need to either take a break or get a new job.

Confession

I think my biggest fear is that I will die the same way I lived - with my thoughts locked away in my mind. I fear that I will never be open. I fear that I'll never be able to speak my mind freely with another person, that I'll never have someone know my life story. I fear that I'll never have made a difference in a single person's life by the time I leave this world. That's what scares me: feeling like just an insignificant speck on the face of the planet whose life was utterly indifferent to the world.

Dawn Penn - You Don't Love Me (No, No, No)

The sad truth...

Calvin Harris - Thinking About You (ft. Ayah Marar)

I finally looked at my grades today and...

I got an A, two A-'s, and one B+.

That's literally the best my transcript has seen since I've started college 2 years ago. Granted, I did take a bunch of easy classes. I tried in Stats. Luckily I got an easy professor who scaled the crap out of everything. Psych of Personality was a joke - they got a retired professor to come in and reach for his colleague who had recently passed away. I didn't learn anything. And for Philosophy I got the nicest professor who just so happened to have, as my brother calls it, "white guilt". Because he grew up in the south and had seen raw prejudice with his own eyes, I feel as though I got "brownie points". He always kept me after class to ask for my opinion or make sure I was comfortable with the topics covered in class. He was extra... careful, and just the sweetest old guy. I never submitted a final paper but I got an A anyway. I feel extremely bad about it because though I told him that I'd accept a 0 for the paper (procrastination and stress had gotten to me, I just didn't have the will in me to finish it), he told me that I was an extremely bright student and that I should just turn in whatever I had - which I still never did. I have no idea how I got an A but I know I didn't deserve it. Especially since it was a Philo class about Ethics, I feel awful about it...
And of course the only class I really enjoyed and learned from was Art, which I loved.

I don't know. I'm glad my grades are great - my mom will finally get off my back about them. But I feel like I didn't really accomplish much. Socially, I branched out a lot. I went to counseling and learned a lot about myself. I've come a long way since last year, for sure. But academically, I feel like I'm still not all there. I question a lot why I'm in college, why I attend those classes that don't stimulate me (with the exception of a select few). I know the answer, but I don't know if I have the whole-hearted motivation to continue. Either way, my parents will push me to get that degree. That's all they want.

Still, at the end of the day, all that really matters is what I want. That's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

Tiesto - Pair of Dice

I might just do something rash.

Updates first:
I gave Larry my "I find you to be very attractive" card. It was probably the most nerve-racking, most embarrasing, hardest thing I've had to do by far this year. Aside from that Miss pageant.

I'm slowly dying on the inside having to write this paper for Philosophy. I procrastinated way too much. It's not even that bad, just 6 pages, but I literally can't wrap my head around it. I know what I'd like to say, I just can't type it out in complete sentences. I fucking hate this. And it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, if maybe I shouldn't be in school...

My new favorite song is "Crave You" by Flight Facilities. It sums up my love life perfectly... Take a listen!

 And finally, I'm getting sick of my roommate. She's getting on my nerves. Thank goodness I get to leave in 2 days.. Not that I want to leave. If it were up to me I'd keep living on campus and not go home and just... kick her out.

 Now, the main point of this post. This morning before my final I ate breakfast with 3 friends, 2 girls and my friend Parker. One of the girls admitted to me that she had a "baby crush" on Parker earlier, which is fine I thought, but when I saw them interact in person today I couldn't stand it. Parker has a girlfriend and my friend has a boyfriend so I shouldn't be phased but they were walking together making little jokes back and forth and it made me upset. If, somehow, they end up dating I will be pissed. Why, you ask? Because that would just prove to me that the guys I like will never choose me because of my race. My friend and I are pretty similar: quiet, sarcastic,etc. Granted, it could just be because she's shorter and probably way better at flirting than I am (a bit more open), but I feel like Parker or any other white guy in general would choose her over me simply because she's white and I'm black. And that's not right..
Of course, this is all just in a hypothetical situation though. For now I'll let it slide.
Why do I get so upset at these things? :\

Miming

I swear it's like I'm not even using my voice sometimes.
I talk but no one ever hears me. I never thought that I mumbled or that I was too soft-spoken, but apparently it's true. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me to repeat myself, I'd probably be rich.
It's so frustrating!! How did I end up this way? I mean, I might as well not be saying anything at all to save time.

But if I were mute, I'm sure people would be listening then, right?

I dressed up in an insanely cute outfit today - I even dared to wear heels! (I live on a very hilly campus so that means a lot.) But I didn't even get to see him today D: He won't get to see how nice I look today because I'm working all night! Sigh, wasted efforts on a hopeless crush...

It's that time of the year again!

Finals! Which means no sleep, staying up all night, banging out last minute papers right before they're due, stressing out, and writing posts about how I've come to this point in my life. Though, let's be honest, we all know the answer to that question.... procrastination!

I honestly have no idea how I pass any classes. Being completely honest, I never actually do any real work. I haven't written a serious paper in... months. And that doesn't make the fact that I have to finish a 6 page paper by Thursday any better. I procrastinate all the time. It's becoming a problem. I'm pretty much just getting by with as minimal amount of effort possible. It's so sad.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just stopped it all and dropped out. I'd be working at some lame job I hate going to and I wouldn't be happy. Then again, is it that much different from how I feel now? If I drop out I'll be living at home for a very very very long time. But I guess at least in school I can live away from home. And I'll graduate with a piece of paper that doesn't really do much. (Honestly, what can you do with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology nowadays? Not much.) At least I'll secure myself with a job that pays a lot more than anything I would've gotten with just a high school diploma. Besides, I've come to realize that college, for me, is a time of new experiences. Academics aside, I've done so much that I will never forget. I'm glad I'm here mainly for that reason. Now my goal for the rest of my time here is to realize my true potential, realize that I have to work for it, and graduate glad and proud of all my accomplishments.

That's my goal.... I wonder, will I ever be able to reach it?

It's the truth :(

When you have a dream in which you're angry and frustrated, and you wake up feeling the same way, as if it actually happened.

I just woke up from a very disappointing dream.
It started off with me reading the status of my crush Larry on Facebook. It said something along the lines of "When the person you want the most leaves before you can talk to them. Christina." Now, a few days ago I noticed that he was at an event I went to on campus (I got super excited, of course), but I left before him after it ended because my friend was embarrassing me by calling out his name (eventhough he was all the way across the "auditorium", I was still worried he might hear).

Anyway, so in my dream I read his status and got really excited  because I thought he was talking about me. Some other girl named Christina commented on it, but somehow I just knew he was talking about me.

So the next day out of the blue some guy proposes to me. (This guy is not Larry by the way, he's some other guy around campus I've seen who I find to be really cute. Maybe my subconscious mind couldn't depict Larry correctly, maybe it was a completely separate dream, I don't know...) I said yes and we took a day trip out to somewhere to elope. We came back to school and we were hanging out and I was so happy, it was amazing. Except it felt like he was holding back, like there was something bothering him.
So I tried talking to him. I sat on his lap, stared into his green eyes and asked what was wrong. He tried to cover it u[ but eventually it all came out. "Why me? Why do you like me?" I didn't understand and I told him just the way he was, every bit of him. Then he said, "It makes everything so complicated." The cat broke loose from the bag, "I know, but I had to ask for permission. Why did you have to choose me?" Apparently, he had to ask permission from some woman of president-like status in the school if he could marry me, and our marriage was single taboo event of the entire campus.
I was shocked and upset. It seemed as though he didn't really love me as I loved him. So we fought.
Eventually I walked  away and got in an elevator going up to my floor. And guess who was in there? The president lady. She said, "What can you expect? These types of things were never meant to last." And by "things" she meant interracial relationships. I got sooooo mad! I told her that studies show that interracial relationships actually last longer that single-race relationships. So she asked for my source but of course I didn't have it. She said, "I should've never granted that boy's request and allowed this to happen."
It was awful. She was telling me that my marriage was a mistake. I finally got out the elevator, angrier than ever. My husband, "Justin" happened to be there. He tried to console me and apologize, but I wouldn't let him touch me. I asked him, "Was this all even real? Or was it just a stupid little social experiment?" He had no response so I left.

It was a very upsetting dream. I woke up extremely mad and it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream and that I didn't have any real reason to be angry.
But I wonder, is that really the reason why guys I like (those of a different race) don't pursue me? Am I not attractive to them or is it just considered taboo that they should like me? What's the problem? I'd like to know. It's times like these that really discourage me. I may just end up alone for the rest of my life. Yaaaaaay... -__-

I posted this next to the elevator in my residence hall today.

One act of kindness at a time, maybe one day I can change the world...

Matt & Kim - It's Alright

This song is my new feel-good anthem :) They're songs are pretty fun, me likey!

Ink Work

I finally got around to painting today and I used to ink to make this in my sketchbook. I was inspired by Lora Zombie :)

About That Time.

It's one in the morning and I just want to go to bed.
But my roommate decides that she wants to skype her new boy-interest in the room... with no headphones. Like shut the fuck up and go to sleep. I know we both have fucking 8:30's in the morning. Stop yelling at your computer screen.

This is ridiculous.