I might just do something rash.

Updates first:
I gave Larry my "I find you to be very attractive" card. It was probably the most nerve-racking, most embarrasing, hardest thing I've had to do by far this year. Aside from that Miss pageant.

I'm slowly dying on the inside having to write this paper for Philosophy. I procrastinated way too much. It's not even that bad, just 6 pages, but I literally can't wrap my head around it. I know what I'd like to say, I just can't type it out in complete sentences. I fucking hate this. And it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, if maybe I shouldn't be in school...

My new favorite song is "Crave You" by Flight Facilities. It sums up my love life perfectly... Take a listen!

 And finally, I'm getting sick of my roommate. She's getting on my nerves. Thank goodness I get to leave in 2 days.. Not that I want to leave. If it were up to me I'd keep living on campus and not go home and just... kick her out.

 Now, the main point of this post. This morning before my final I ate breakfast with 3 friends, 2 girls and my friend Parker. One of the girls admitted to me that she had a "baby crush" on Parker earlier, which is fine I thought, but when I saw them interact in person today I couldn't stand it. Parker has a girlfriend and my friend has a boyfriend so I shouldn't be phased but they were walking together making little jokes back and forth and it made me upset. If, somehow, they end up dating I will be pissed. Why, you ask? Because that would just prove to me that the guys I like will never choose me because of my race. My friend and I are pretty similar: quiet, sarcastic,etc. Granted, it could just be because she's shorter and probably way better at flirting than I am (a bit more open), but I feel like Parker or any other white guy in general would choose her over me simply because she's white and I'm black. And that's not right..
Of course, this is all just in a hypothetical situation though. For now I'll let it slide.
Why do I get so upset at these things? :\

Miming

I swear it's like I'm not even using my voice sometimes.
I talk but no one ever hears me. I never thought that I mumbled or that I was too soft-spoken, but apparently it's true. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me to repeat myself, I'd probably be rich.
It's so frustrating!! How did I end up this way? I mean, I might as well not be saying anything at all to save time.

But if I were mute, I'm sure people would be listening then, right?

When you have a dream in which you're angry and frustrated, and you wake up feeling the same way, as if it actually happened.

I just woke up from a very disappointing dream.
It started off with me reading the status of my crush Larry on Facebook. It said something along the lines of "When the person you want the most leaves before you can talk to them. Christina." Now, a few days ago I noticed that he was at an event I went to on campus (I got super excited, of course), but I left before him after it ended because my friend was embarrassing me by calling out his name (eventhough he was all the way across the "auditorium", I was still worried he might hear).

Anyway, so in my dream I read his status and got really excited  because I thought he was talking about me. Some other girl named Christina commented on it, but somehow I just knew he was talking about me.

So the next day out of the blue some guy proposes to me. (This guy is not Larry by the way, he's some other guy around campus I've seen who I find to be really cute. Maybe my subconscious mind couldn't depict Larry correctly, maybe it was a completely separate dream, I don't know...) I said yes and we took a day trip out to somewhere to elope. We came back to school and we were hanging out and I was so happy, it was amazing. Except it felt like he was holding back, like there was something bothering him.
So I tried talking to him. I sat on his lap, stared into his green eyes and asked what was wrong. He tried to cover it u[ but eventually it all came out. "Why me? Why do you like me?" I didn't understand and I told him just the way he was, every bit of him. Then he said, "It makes everything so complicated." The cat broke loose from the bag, "I know, but I had to ask for permission. Why did you have to choose me?" Apparently, he had to ask permission from some woman of president-like status in the school if he could marry me, and our marriage was single taboo event of the entire campus.
I was shocked and upset. It seemed as though he didn't really love me as I loved him. So we fought.
Eventually I walked  away and got in an elevator going up to my floor. And guess who was in there? The president lady. She said, "What can you expect? These types of things were never meant to last." And by "things" she meant interracial relationships. I got sooooo mad! I told her that studies show that interracial relationships actually last longer that single-race relationships. So she asked for my source but of course I didn't have it. She said, "I should've never granted that boy's request and allowed this to happen."
It was awful. She was telling me that my marriage was a mistake. I finally got out the elevator, angrier than ever. My husband, "Justin" happened to be there. He tried to console me and apologize, but I wouldn't let him touch me. I asked him, "Was this all even real? Or was it just a stupid little social experiment?" He had no response so I left.

It was a very upsetting dream. I woke up extremely mad and it took me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream and that I didn't have any real reason to be angry.
But I wonder, is that really the reason why guys I like (those of a different race) don't pursue me? Am I not attractive to them or is it just considered taboo that they should like me? What's the problem? I'd like to know. It's times like these that really discourage me. I may just end up alone for the rest of my life. Yaaaaaay... -__-

About That Time.

It's one in the morning and I just want to go to bed.
But my roommate decides that she wants to skype her new boy-interest in the room... with no headphones. Like shut the fuck up and go to sleep. I know we both have fucking 8:30's in the morning. Stop yelling at your computer screen.

This is ridiculous.

Sick

I'm over here sweating through my clothes with a fever, struggling to not snap because of my sore body and headaches and you seem to be the loudest, most inconsiderate person I've ever met on the face of this planet. No, just keep slamming things, Roomie, I'll be alright. -_-

Allergies are a bitch.

Seriously, it hit me like a brick wall and all I wanna do now is stay in bed under my covers, and hide. My body aches, my nose is stuffy, my throat is itchy, my eyes are watery, I don't want to do anything -_-

I can't sleep.

Apparently whatever I did tonight, half-consciously keeping Diem from hooking up with Darius was a bad decision. She was mad and she.. expressed her feelings to me. I get it now, I was wrong. She knows what she wants. But it still hurt me. And she was right, I DEFINITELY didn't want to hug her though I said it was okay that she did. What I took away from that.. (I wouldn't even call it a conversation) is that I shouldn't butt in anything about Diem's life. I should just back off. Forever. So I will. I love how tonight was supposed to be my birthday celebration too. What a great way to end it all, right? Getting yelled at? Fuck that. I.. don't need this. I shouldn't feel bad at all. Yes, I was drunk - she was drunk, but I shouldn't feel bad. I'm just done, period. Just another part of my life that's done and over with like Vicky and Jimmy. I'm done.

And at the end of the day I wonder... why not me?

Because I'm black and they'd never think to find me beautiful...

If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's people taking advantage of my kindness and taking me for granted. I've been feeling like this for the past few days now and it's really getting to me. I'll never stop being nice and offering things to people, but if people keep treating me like I'm nothing I might just flip out on someone one of these days.

Problem

I cannot comprehend how my roommate is still up right now. I left the room quiet as a mouse, she was sleeping. Then I come back to find her lying there watching TV.
I cannot comprehend how she can only fall asleep with the TV on. What the fuck is that? It doesn't make any sense. And even if she does have the remote right next to her she doesn't turn it off before she goes to sleep (I think I wrote about this before).
This past week it hasn't been too bad but when I come back to find this I'm just.. stupefied. I should just talk to her. I should just ask her to turn it off before she sleeps because I can't sleep with it on, especially since I wake up and end up having to turn it off. I should say that, right? It's a lot harder than these written words though :\
I can do it! If I can step out of my shell a bit, I can talk to the person I'm supposed to sharing a room with......... right? Right. Then why do I still feel so nervous about it?

I don't want to come off as mean. I'm very careful about the impressions I make on other people. I play it off like I don't care, but deep down, I do. We all do.
Sigh, roommate problems.
<:(

The kids don't stand a chance.

[B.o.B. - The Kids ft. Janelle Monae]

I really am just "waiting for the end to come" [Linkin Park].
The world is so fucked. And I feel like I have nothing to live for, like my life is going nowhere. I'll go to school and hang out with my friends and have a couple good times and a couple bad times and maybe eventually get a degree then get a job I maybe will sorta kinda like then move out then live out the rest of my days... waiting for the end to come. I don't really see the point. I've experienced life - pain, happiness, pride, pity, beauty, growth, sickness, love, anger, doubt - all the good stuff, and the bad stuff. What else can there be? It's a constant cycle where too many people get hurt. And you may be thinking, "but you haven't experienced everything! you've yet to see the world, you've yet to fall in love!" But wherever I go there will be beauty and there will be even more pain and sadness and heartbreak and despair. And honestly, I'm starting to think that there's no one out there for me. I was born a virgin to all things sexual about love and I'll probably die that way too (more or less).
I'm just tired of it all. Most of the kids nowadays have no sense of self. They're cold and rude and throw sex around like it's meaningless. The generations are just getting more and more hard. It's like they're born into this bleak world knowing those moments of fake happiness in drunken dance and partying and hookups is all they have to look forward to.

I don't know why I thought of this or why I wrote this all here, but I'm sorry if I ruined your day. Maybe I was just hoping that someone else felt the same way.

I have enough common sense to know that someone out there does, that I'm not alone. I just can't shake the feeling that I am.

Why is buying a single song on iTunes so expensive? What ever happened to those 99 cent songs? Sigh. Moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoney..... T_T

The Past Week Or So

I've been around. Just dealing with shit, working, being photographed, wandering Boston, and thinking - as always.

School. Starting last Monday I had a scare that I'd be kicked out of school due to an unpaid $9,000 bill. I called them and it turns out that I didn't turn in my FAFSA. So after a lot of calls, worrying, and trouble, I filled it out, turned it in, got my financial aid (I actually ened up overpaying so I'm waiting for that $500 refund check -_-), and am assured a seat in each of my pre-registered classes and a spot in my residence hall and overall at the school. It was all very stressful...
 I also met and had lunch with my new roommate Nikera. She seems really cool. Reminds me a lot of my good friend Lexy actually... Except she's a freshman. That's fine I guess. I can help her out since I'm more familiarized with the school. I want to give her a good first year experience, the one that I never had. Hehehe... >:) lol jk. But fun fact: she lives like 10 minutes away from me over in Dorchester. How cool is that? We can like carpool and whatnot.

All that crap I went through with financial aid only solidified my hatred towards FSU. I'm really starting to think that Framingham State is the absolute worst school in the US. And that hatred is making me hate everything that comes from Framingham including the classes I took there, the time I spent there, even the people I met there. It's that bad. Hopefully I'll get over this feeling. A little time spent with my friends should heal this.

School starts up really soon. I'm gonna be moving even sooner :/ I haven't even finished my summer list. I still need to go supplies and clothing and shoe shopping. And order books. And switch out of one class. Like I said, I hope I feel better about all of this once I get moved in and get settled down.

Work. Staples has been my best job yet. I really like my boss. He's going to talk to the manager at the Framingham store and hopefully set me up with a job over there during the school year. I could use the extra cash. For books. And for that other stuff I wanted to get (CD's, books, posters, etc.). For now though, I need to learn how to budget. I'm horrible with saving..

YMS. We had a photoshoot on Sunday. At Georges Island. Military themed. Though our clothes didn't exactly fit the theme, I think it was still a success. A great experience for the newer members and a great opportunity for bonding. We had to take a ferry to get there and it was my first time on a boat actually. As a member told me, YMS "popped my boat cherry" lol. I took quite a few pictures with my crappy cell. And the photographer, who is friends with one of the directors, was really cool. And cute, I must add haha. Maybe this attraction stemmed from the fact that he took pictures of me all day long adding comments such as "wow, that looks great". It's sorta sexy, even if he was just talking about the picture as a whole and not me individually. (Side note: I would like my boyfriend to be somewhat artsy.)
I actually achieved getting his number though! That night I forgot my wallet in his car so I spent the next three days trying to get a hold of him and my stuff back. It was still fun texting him though :) *happy sigh* AND I successfully got him on that blog of pictures of Asians taking pictures of food! Lmaooooo. Mission Accomplished.

Today. I went out with Lexy and met up with Tiff and Nancy and Winnie and Alexandria. It was all pizza and pictures and cupcakes and fountains and pictures and Newbury and fun. It's sad that we're all going away to school so soon. I'll miss days like today, I'll miss spending time with my old friends.

Speaking of, I was looking at my Facebook again and I just happen to notice Ashley P's profile. She's changed quite a bit... So much so that I have no idea who she is anymore. I think it's time for another cleanup of all my friends. If I barely talked to you in high school and I am shocked to find out that you got a face piercing sometime in the last year since we graduated, I don't know you and I would no longer like to be your friend on Facebook. Then again, if I actually deleted all those people I'd be left with maybe 100 friends. And for some reason having an average number of friends online (around 300) is essential to my social media life. So maybe it's time to just take another break from that whole scene. That way I won't have to deal with friends who aren't really friends and advertisements and all that other nonsense, and just spend time with my actual friends in real life. Sounds good, right? Right. Peace out, Facebook.

Now, if you've actually sat there and read all those ramblings about my current and fairly boring life, I think you deserve a treat. In my world that treat entails a rest for your eyes in the form of pictures from Georges Island and other random stuff. Enjoy!

My "boat cherry" being popped.

On our way back to Boston. Great view, doncha think?

Oh, and I made Lemon Squares for the first time Saturday night/Sunday morning. They taste good!

A picture summary of my day. Georgetown cupcakes (best chocolate cupcake and frosting I've tried yet), a Linkin Park CD from Newbury Comics, one of the world's largest gumballs from Robin's candy store (I will be sure to post a video of me attempting to eat and blow a bubble with it later!), we played my new game Roll, Domo, Roll - a gift from a friend in YMS, I got my wallet back, I received my own special pair of chopsticks as a gift from Nancy (how nice!), and a book from the stack I borrowed from the library that I'm still trying to finish.

And a random picture of me from today...
You're still here reading? Go away! Get off the computer and go do something good for your health! Bye.

I wish I could be here instead.

In a place filled with sunshine. In a place where I can smile and mean it because I'm enjoying myself.

Somewhere I wouldn't feel so shitty and alone.

And no, not shitty because I regret my actions, but shitty because I never got a chance. You, yes YOU, Victoria, dumped all that shit on my in the course of a week. You told me (hopefully) everything you didn't like about me. Do you want to know why I said "fuck it"? Because I've been that way since the day you met me. I'm quiet, you should know that. I don't talk much, I thought you would've gotten used to it. But maybe it was just your paranoia that drove you to think everything's my fault. Also, because I'm quiet I tend to bottle things up and rant when I can't take it anymore. You're "tired of me ranting"? The fuck? Then say something. Don't just shit on me when you're cross the country where we can't properly talk about it to fix it. And the reason I said "fuck you"? Well, I know for a fact I didn't single-handedly break our friendship. That's just bullshit. How did it get to be so broken in the first place? It wasn't just me, that's for sure. You never admitted to your problems, but hey, maybe you just wanted to run away from them like you're used to.

In a way I feel like you planned this. You wanted to go away, cut ties, and come back to have your "fresh start". Well, I hope you got what you wanted.

I mean, I've always been stubborn - so are you! It's not having a "one-routed mind", call it what it is. And I am an open person. I just hold grudges. I guard myself from getting hurt. That shit when you tried to set me up with your friend? I wasn't judging him. But it really doesn't matter what I say now, does it? Because you won't believe me. It's like you refuse to. Sounds pretty "one-routed" to me... What kind of shit is that? You never gave me a chance.

And all that trust crap? "I can forgive, but I can't forget." Just be honest. You never forgave me in the first place. And that's a shame too, because I know I did what I did for a good reason. My heart was in the right place. I said what I said because I care about you. And no, you don't know the full story, hun.

You never will.

I really want to hate you, I really do. But I can't bring myself to do it. I hurt you, I know. I betrayed your trust. And I figure you already think I'm a bad friend or that I was a fake friend from the start, but you're wrong. I'm a great friend and not only I, but lots of people know it. You probably hate me, but you don't know the half of it. And that's the saddest part.

I'm left with all the gifts you gave me over the years. I don't know whether to box them up or just keep them around until I stop feeling bad emotions when I think about the past. I know all your gifts from me are easy to box away. But there's one more coming. You just wait.

I'll not be forgotten yet...

~*~

Someone also said that maybe now everything (or everything from your side) is out, we can work to repair our friendship to be stronger than before.

...I'm not sure I want that. I mean I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to who understands my life and what I'm going through, someone I can go to anytime for anything, but if that happens it's going to take a lot of work because what we had is shattered, not broken. It won't be easy. And considering you said that I wasn't your friend the moment I betrayed your trust, I assume you won't even try to fix it, in which case I may as well continue with my life without you, right?

Sigh, all those years and gifts and time spent together gone to shit. It's so sad.

But it feels good to finally get that all out. Oh hey, look. I'm ranting again...