I finally looked at my grades today and...

I got an A, two A-'s, and one B+.

That's literally the best my transcript has seen since I've started college 2 years ago. Granted, I did take a bunch of easy classes. I tried in Stats. Luckily I got an easy professor who scaled the crap out of everything. Psych of Personality was a joke - they got a retired professor to come in and reach for his colleague who had recently passed away. I didn't learn anything. And for Philosophy I got the nicest professor who just so happened to have, as my brother calls it, "white guilt". Because he grew up in the south and had seen raw prejudice with his own eyes, I feel as though I got "brownie points". He always kept me after class to ask for my opinion or make sure I was comfortable with the topics covered in class. He was extra... careful, and just the sweetest old guy. I never submitted a final paper but I got an A anyway. I feel extremely bad about it because though I told him that I'd accept a 0 for the paper (procrastination and stress had gotten to me, I just didn't have the will in me to finish it), he told me that I was an extremely bright student and that I should just turn in whatever I had - which I still never did. I have no idea how I got an A but I know I didn't deserve it. Especially since it was a Philo class about Ethics, I feel awful about it...
And of course the only class I really enjoyed and learned from was Art, which I loved.

I don't know. I'm glad my grades are great - my mom will finally get off my back about them. But I feel like I didn't really accomplish much. Socially, I branched out a lot. I went to counseling and learned a lot about myself. I've come a long way since last year, for sure. But academically, I feel like I'm still not all there. I question a lot why I'm in college, why I attend those classes that don't stimulate me (with the exception of a select few). I know the answer, but I don't know if I have the whole-hearted motivation to continue. Either way, my parents will push me to get that degree. That's all they want.

Still, at the end of the day, all that really matters is what I want. That's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

It's that time of the year again!

Finals! Which means no sleep, staying up all night, banging out last minute papers right before they're due, stressing out, and writing posts about how I've come to this point in my life. Though, let's be honest, we all know the answer to that question.... procrastination!

I honestly have no idea how I pass any classes. Being completely honest, I never actually do any real work. I haven't written a serious paper in... months. And that doesn't make the fact that I have to finish a 6 page paper by Thursday any better. I procrastinate all the time. It's becoming a problem. I'm pretty much just getting by with as minimal amount of effort possible. It's so sad.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just stopped it all and dropped out. I'd be working at some lame job I hate going to and I wouldn't be happy. Then again, is it that much different from how I feel now? If I drop out I'll be living at home for a very very very long time. But I guess at least in school I can live away from home. And I'll graduate with a piece of paper that doesn't really do much. (Honestly, what can you do with a Bachelor's degree in Psychology nowadays? Not much.) At least I'll secure myself with a job that pays a lot more than anything I would've gotten with just a high school diploma. Besides, I've come to realize that college, for me, is a time of new experiences. Academics aside, I've done so much that I will never forget. I'm glad I'm here mainly for that reason. Now my goal for the rest of my time here is to realize my true potential, realize that I have to work for it, and graduate glad and proud of all my accomplishments.

That's my goal.... I wonder, will I ever be able to reach it?

Sad Realization

I've come to the realization that I will never be a model because I don't have a pretty face. I'm not beautiful. It'll never happen.

Drinking with the broski...

I know I'm over thinking things but let me update you real quick.
Tonight my brother and I went to visit our cousins who live down the street. Calzone, uno, jenga, moscato... It was fun. We tried to play 13 (a Vietnamese card game) but none of us knew the rules for sure and my brother didn't believe us when my cousin and I said he couldn't do a certain move. So while he googled the rules, I decided to ask one of my Viet friends - Jay haha. He didn't know how to play, but we had a text convo about spring break and kings (the drinking card game) and how he should have a few drinks for me on Friday at his birthday party. He replied with this:

"I will x] next semester let's have fun!!! I'm not your RA, but your friend okay!?!?! Will mean a lot to me"

Again, I know I'm overthinking this but.. doesn't that sound like he means something more? Like he wanted to hang out and do stuff this year but couldn't because of his position? Idk. I guess we really are just friends. Or at least that's what I've reduced our relationship to (after not really talking to him for those few weeks after my embarrassing drunken vomiting night..).
If anything I made it more clear that we're just friends by saying of course, but that he'll have to help a FRIEND out and give me a ride haha.
Whatever, I'm over him. He's a great guy, but it's better that we're just friends, ya know? Besides, I'm down to party anytime. Especially next year when I'll be 21. And he'll be a graduate with a car. It just sounds like an all around good time lol. I can't wait.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

I'm realizing more and more everyday that college isn't really about grades or anything (though, yes, I'm here to earn a degree); it's more about the experiences you gain along the way. It's about the stories you'll have to tell and the friends you'll make and even the projects you'll have to look back at. For me, college is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to have fun. Because think about it, after this, it's all bills and work. I may not know what I want to be right now, but I'll figure it out eventually. I'm going yo make the best of the time I have left, I'm gonna live it up. Remember, college is just one big social test.

I'm convinced that this whole college thing is just one big social test. And I'm in danger in failing.

Last night was awfully crazy...

I stayed up until 5 in the morning helping my friend Lizzie care for her roommate (and also my friend) Jess. Vomit and scares and Jay and trouble and laughs. But it made for one interesting night I certainly won't ever forget haha.

I've met some of the best, nicest people in the world here at school and I'm so glad they're such good friends of mine.
:)

Another Depressing Thought of the Day

I will be turning 20 in a few days and, looking back on my life, I can't say that I'm particularly pleased with my life. I mean, I've done more than a few awesome things including winning championships in volleyball, modeling in fashion shows, graduating high school, singing in front of a crowd, and flying across the country by myself just to visit a friend. And I feel great about the many things I've done for my friends and family, gifts and whatnot. But I honestly can't say that I'm where I want to be in my life. It's hard to change. It'll take a lot of searching within myself, a lot of reflection. It'll take knowing that all the little things make a huge difference. It'll take an extra effort to be happy with my life.. because right now I'm not.

Hello, 2013.

Hi.
It's been a while since I've gotten a chance to sit down and honestly blog. I appologize for those who actually pay attention to my posts, my laptop was in hibernation. But I'm back now, don't worry!
I have so many pictures to post! But those will have to wait, I guess.

Here's the quick summary of these past few weeks:
Wreck-It Ralph was an awesome movie - go see it, made a vase (one more thing crossed off my list), secret Santa with my friends, watercolor set and fuzzy socks, attractive card given to Jay, mildly depressed, passed classes with an A, a B+, and a C+ but am still on academic probation...what.the.fuck..., art and next level psych course next semester, YMS potluck, reached limit with sister, Korean restaurant, thrift shopping, loneliness, The Book Thief, LUSH, friendship bracelets, sugar cookies, New Years with the gang plus Lexy, sick, hospital with mom - confessions, parallel parking, Mike's Pastry and wall walking with Twinn - heart2heart, shopping with sister, new dress, possible plans with Jay.... and I think that's it.
Except for the fact that I'm going to California in a few days to visit Johnny. It's finally happening. Operation Johnny is nearly complete. I've been feeling... down lately all semester long. This trip should do me some good.
Oh, and I deleted Star from my friends. But that's a story for another time.
Right now I plan on cleaning up my room, maybe do a little packing, and stay up to practice my watercolor painting. And maybe I'll stay up to watch the sunrise. Just because.


2012 was such a bad year for me, the only thing I hope is that 2013 will be better.
My resolution? I don't know. But I did buy another journal to keep writing in, that could be one thing..

Childish. My work in progress.

Operation Johnny in Full Effect!

If you don't remember, I created Operation Johnny about a month and a half ago.

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(


And as of last night, steps 1, 2, and 3 have been taken. I'm going to California, guys! :D
Somehow (after working long hours on weekends and picking up my coworker's shifts...) I've been able to save up enough money and when I talked to him last night he found a ticket price for about $70 less than what I was originally going to pay. In the spur of a moment I decided that I wanted to visit him earlier than Spring Break. I just have this horrible doubt that something bad may happen in that extra 3 months I don't see him... so I figured since we're both on Winter Break in January, I'm going to visit him a week before my birthday. We're going to party hard haha.
So I've got my ticket and I have a design ready for that tattoo I'm going to get. Oh, did I forget to tell you about that too? Yeah, in another spur-of-the-moment decision, I decided that I'm going to get a tattoo while in Cali. I figure if there's any place to get a quality tattoo done, Cali's it.


I'm excited :)


Now all I have to do is finish this semester with awesome grades, save up more cash for Christmas gifts and California shoppinggggg, and I'll be all set for the best transition into the new year yet. I wish I could just live my life exactly like this - doing the things I want for myself, by myself. It's so... freeing.


P.S. Johnny said I should visit in the summer too. Hell-to-the-mo-fo-YEAH! This first trip will just be a test run for me to get used to flying by myself and everything.


;)

JUST FRIENDS

Why is it so hard for me to be just friends with a guy? For as long as I can remember I've never been able to just be friends with a guy. Even in elementary school. Shannon? The first guy ever to tell me that he liked me? That was in the fourth grade. And I can remember chasing him around just because I liked him back in the 2nd grade. I was never really just friends with him.

By now, my second year in college, you'd think that I'd at least have some sort of relationship with a guy (romantic or not), but no. Well... yes. There was Frank. But I liked him. And told him eventually. But it worked out. We're still friends now. Other than that though he's been my only close guy friend. Being completely honest, I've had some sort of feelings towards all my other male friends - the ones who I thought were attractive, at least. The not-so-attractive ones I've always tried to avoid one-on-one contact with because I felt like they liked me, and I didn't want to.. lead them on. Sigh, I know that sounds really bad (believe me, I don't think I'm any sort of hot shit or anything..), but there's no other way I can try to explain my strange thought process. Don't judge me.

So anyway, here in college where I have a lot more interaction with the opposite sex I find it... difficult. Well, I'm definitely getting better (yay for me going through this whole "growing up" thing in college!), but when it comes to someone I'm actually really attracted to like *coughJaycough* it gets really complicated.
I've come to a point where I realized that it's just better that we stay friends. I'm going through this phase where I convince myself that it wouldn't work out between us anyway (the same thing I usually do before meeting any other guy..). And it's working, ever so slowly. The fact that I don't see him as often helps too. I wish I could just "lose" his number.. haha.

But tonight I finally got the chance to sit down and talk to him one-on-one. It was nice, just two friends catching up. Then he brought up a very interesting topic. He was on Facebook and his sister posted a status about nice guys. How she feels like crap because she's talking to this nice guy, but she's disappointed to see him treat all other girls he interacts with the same way. It doesn't make her feel as special anymore. Which is something I totally get, but he was confused by it. He asked for my opinion on it.

So I told him, "It's funny that you mention that. Because you make me feel the same way."

...

Did you believe me? Yeah, no. I would never say something that bold. I told him that I could see how she feels (I really, really, reaaaally do... -_- ) but I could also see where he, the nice guy, is coming from. I said that it was a shame that all guys weren't simply nice. If that were a standard, there wouldn't be any problem, there wouldn't be any more confusion.

I'm writing about this because I found it extremely ironic how he mentioned that tonight of all nights talking to me. Why me? That comment poked a hole in my neatly sealed box of feelings. Now I have to wrap it up again and convince myself, yet again, that we are just friends. I must not expect anything more. I must prepare myself for heartbreak before anything happens (namely, before he starts "hanging out" with another girl). Just Friends. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but it'll just have to do.

Every single time I fall at the wrong time...

Other than that though I was forced to watch part of Insidious. I won't ever say it aloud, but it freaked me out so much that it made me cry. Never again... And I'm finally out of the Biology major. It feels like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders.. I'm starting to see a counselor here on campus. I hope they can help me figure out my life. If not, at least I'll have someone I know I can always talk to when I can't turn to anyone else. I got a 90 on my Macroeconomics exam tonight. WOOO! Oh, and I think I'm starting to resent Honey Bee. When I see her updates on Facebook I get the strong urge to just.. delete her from everything. My Facebook, my phone, ..my memories... I think I need to work on being content with my life more. I need to accept the past, live in the moment, and look towards a bright, happy future. That's the life I want. I'm just having trouble getting there :(

Is happiness too much to ask for?

Btw I went to a poetry slam earlier this week and Dan Castillo's poems are amazing. Listen to his poem "Letter to St. Thomas the Apostle" on his website here. If you don't like that one, check out his other ones. I'm positive there's something there everyone can relate to in some way. I emailed him the next day and he replied with kind words. He just seemed so happy and content with his life on that stage. Is it so wrong to want that kind of life?

I think I have a solution. It may be time to try to start up meditating again. The first time everything just... fell through. Let's see how this goes...

Operation Johnny

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(

As I'm writing this I'm thinking about just how quickly things change. I'm thinking that someone's life could be taken away at any moment, someone near and dear to me at that. And that's never happened to me before...
I'm thinking that our lives have changed so much in just these past two years. Look where we are now!
I'm thinking that while one person may finally be feeling good about themselves, another person may be going through hell.
I'm glad I made that outreach last night and had that talk with him, now I can try my best to help and be there for him. I can try to give back and try to do for him what he did for me.

Time, please be on my side.

I feel... grown.

So much time has passed. And I feel mature, a lot more confident of myself that I did, say, this past summer. It feels good! I'm having fun, trying to keep up with those I care about most, trying to get a guy to notice me (unsuccessfully, but whatever haha). I'm not completely happy all the time, but I'm not sad. I'm content. I'm content with my life.

Maybe those paper cranes really did work, maybe my wish is coming true...

And earlier this week I noticed something. That I don't miss Honey Bee anymore. I don't feel mad or sad about the past. I'm over it. I've moved on and it's like a huge boulder has moved out of my path.

It's a wonderful feeling, being content.

I've been through the lows, I think it's finally time for the high points of my life.
And maybe now, since we're strangers to each other once again, I will meet Honey Bee again and we'll get to learn about and from each other allover again. Maybe someday.

Why am I so awkward?!

Why is it that I can't form a platonic relationship with a guy? I always end up viewing any sort of interaction a guy has with me as something more than it is - often times, as him flirting with me in unsubtle way. I imagine guys as having an ulterior sexual motive with me, even when I know nothing will ever happen between us. Is it because most of the times a guy has ever approached me it's to hit on me (almost always delivered by a creepy older, middle-aged man)? Is it because I have no idea what actual flirting looks like? Or do I harbor some other hidden fear/doubts about men? What is WRONG with me? Why can't I have a normal conversation with my male RA without having to hold myself back due to concerns about leading him on? It's not because I think I'm the hottest piece of woman on earth, not at all! It's something else that I just can't put my finger on.

I'm always holding my true emotions back... Sigh.

Problem

I cannot comprehend how my roommate is still up right now. I left the room quiet as a mouse, she was sleeping. Then I come back to find her lying there watching TV.
I cannot comprehend how she can only fall asleep with the TV on. What the fuck is that? It doesn't make any sense. And even if she does have the remote right next to her she doesn't turn it off before she goes to sleep (I think I wrote about this before).
This past week it hasn't been too bad but when I come back to find this I'm just.. stupefied. I should just talk to her. I should just ask her to turn it off before she sleeps because I can't sleep with it on, especially since I wake up and end up having to turn it off. I should say that, right? It's a lot harder than these written words though :\
I can do it! If I can step out of my shell a bit, I can talk to the person I'm supposed to sharing a room with......... right? Right. Then why do I still feel so nervous about it?

I don't want to come off as mean. I'm very careful about the impressions I make on other people. I play it off like I don't care, but deep down, I do. We all do.
Sigh, roommate problems.
<:(

The Backstreet Boys - Don't Want You Back

I'm no longer confused. I've learned. I want to change.
I'm looking forward now. Towards my future of better grades, better relationships, and being more open. I look towards my future and... I don't see you anywhere in it. I don't want to think about you or what we were or what happened or what it all meant. I'm done. I've been done with you for a while, you probably didn't know.
Still, thanks. And goodbye.

The kids don't stand a chance.

[B.o.B. - The Kids ft. Janelle Monae]

I really am just "waiting for the end to come" [Linkin Park].
The world is so fucked. And I feel like I have nothing to live for, like my life is going nowhere. I'll go to school and hang out with my friends and have a couple good times and a couple bad times and maybe eventually get a degree then get a job I maybe will sorta kinda like then move out then live out the rest of my days... waiting for the end to come. I don't really see the point. I've experienced life - pain, happiness, pride, pity, beauty, growth, sickness, love, anger, doubt - all the good stuff, and the bad stuff. What else can there be? It's a constant cycle where too many people get hurt. And you may be thinking, "but you haven't experienced everything! you've yet to see the world, you've yet to fall in love!" But wherever I go there will be beauty and there will be even more pain and sadness and heartbreak and despair. And honestly, I'm starting to think that there's no one out there for me. I was born a virgin to all things sexual about love and I'll probably die that way too (more or less).
I'm just tired of it all. Most of the kids nowadays have no sense of self. They're cold and rude and throw sex around like it's meaningless. The generations are just getting more and more hard. It's like they're born into this bleak world knowing those moments of fake happiness in drunken dance and partying and hookups is all they have to look forward to.

I don't know why I thought of this or why I wrote this all here, but I'm sorry if I ruined your day. Maybe I was just hoping that someone else felt the same way.

I have enough common sense to know that someone out there does, that I'm not alone. I just can't shake the feeling that I am.

Eye of the Beholder

Here's a few random, old pictures I took back when I had a digital camera.

Just a glimpse of the world as seen through my eyes.

Aaaaannnnd a really awkward one of a young me to end off. How fun!

As I look back on all these pictures and remember all those moments in my life I'm reminded of just how much I've been through. It's amazing. It's just the flicker of hope I need to remind myself that I will be okay.

I will be okay.