Got rejected by Northeastern and BU. Niiiiiice.


Anywho, enjoy New York, Honey Bee! :D
I'll miss you, especially at YMS. I love watching you walk hehehe... ;)


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I KNEEEEEEWWW This Was Gonna Happen!

I'm pissed off. This morning I woke up late at 6:30 and now I'm on punishment. Great. You wanna know the reason why I woke up late? Because I went to sleep at 3. You wanna know why I went to sleep at 3? Because I was talking to Vicky. It was around 12:30 when finished doing my hair and was ready to do homework (or most likely k.o. because I was EXHAUSTED). Vicky was getting on my case about me not talking. She wanted to talk so after some... debating I gave in. And she started talking. And she said a lot. A whole lot more than she's said in a long time which is great. I understand how she feels and why she feels that way a bit better but... in the end it was all just her talking which usually I'm okay with but... didn't she start off wanting to hear from me? And either way there's nothing I can do about what she said. I can't change the way she thinks, I realized this a while ago. No matter how many times I say to think about yourself, to not care about what others think, she'd still feel the same way. My tactic is to just keep telling her these things in hopes that sooner or later she'll realize that's what she needs to do, which may feel like a waste of my time now but if it succeeds.. well, I'll succeed. And we'll both be happy. She's right, this has been a reoccurring topic of my blog. Because it matters a lot to me. I mean, no one likes feeling like they aren't succeeding. I hate this feeling but what else can I do? Just listen and be glad that she's opening up to someone I guess.
Anyway. "We" talked until like 1:30 or 2 and somewhere in that time Thomas started talking to me. And he was talking about Michelle and his anger at her and how he can't move on. And we were talking until maybe 2:30 and by the time he said he was going to sleep I couldn't sleep at all. I wasn't tired. In my mind I was just thinking "Shit. I'm not gonna get up tomorrow. I should've just went to sleep when I wanted to." But hey, I can't blame anyone. I'm glad I know what I do now. I'm just upset it couldn't wait until today. So yes, I'm slightly ticked. Because my dad yelled at me this morning "You better fucking come straight home afterschool today. And tonight your laptop and you iPhone better be off at 10." (Or something like that.) I can't go out afterschool, even to my club meetings. I can't play volleyball on Friday nights D:
Well, I'll ask him about that but I doubt he'll let me do it. I wonder what he's gonna say about YMS! NOOOOOO! Sigh. Sure, I'll prob still stay afterschool for a bit since my parents don't come home till like 6, but I won't have time to do much. Two weeks. That's like a century in teenager time lol.

The thing about all this that angers me the most is that I knew I wouldn't be able to get up on time when I first started talking to Vicky. Smh. I should've followed my gut. Oh well.

:[ Alright. I'd better get some homework started. Don't wanna waste the time I have with my laptop. I wonder if this means that after 10 I can use the desktop. Hmmm.....

It sucks how people spend so much time being jealous of each other or being angry that they don't think about just being happy themselves. We're missing out on the whole world guys, why can't we see that?

Maybe YMS will cheer me up like it did last week. I hope it will. I'd hate to be so down after all the fun we had yesterday... *sigh*

Is It Ever Gonna Be Enough?

So I was having a great day today. But when I came home. I don't know. Things sort of took a turn for the worse. Here's a list of some of my frustrations:

• My parents. I know I'm their baby girl and I'll always be that to them, but they have to let me go sooner or later... I worry that I'm always gonna be called back home for curfew or something. It's nice to know they care but I hate feeling like I'm gonna get in trouble everytime they call. I'm eighteen. And what about when I go to college? What if I have to stay at home and commute to school? Gross.
• Right when she started talking to me again I feel like I offended her in some way. But I was just being honest...
• It sucks when you realize that someone knows more about your life than you do about theirs. But I've said it before. "Ask me a question about yourself. I may not know the answer, but I'd still like to say that I know you. I feel you." You've told me enough that I know how you feel. And doesn't that say something? ... Yea. It still doesn't make up for the fact that I feel like crap cuz I don't know your favorite color. :[
• I realized tonight that we talk about the same things. Or we end up talking about the same things. And it sucks cuz for all the things that I've told you every single time, nothing changed. What else can I do but keep trying?
• Some stupid little girl crushed his heart. On his birthday. Instead of lying to him and giving him a pity date why couldn't you just tell him the truth? Why couldn't you just be straightforward? He's crushed and I can't do anything about it. I could tell him to just wait and the right girl will come your way, that he doesn't have to sweat at the gym every single day to feel good enough for girls, but what good would it do? Just like Star it wouldn't make much of a difference cuz he already has his mind set one way. Even if I told him that I'm in the same boat, literally right next to him in the same situation, it wouldn't matter. Why do people think they need a partner to happy?
• Oh yea, and Malcolm ate half my s'mores cupcake. Thanks -_-

Somehow all those things just dampened my night. Even when I tried eating sweets to cheer me up, it didn't work... but I assume that's a result of all that chocolate we (YMS) ate tonight. Speaking of YMS, if we do plan a trip to Florida how could I possibly come up with $850? I don't like planes like AT ALL. And I assume my parents wouldn't like me going half-way across the country for two weeks with friends/people they barely know, but still it sounds fun. It's easy for other people because they get money from their parents whenever they want, but my parents struggle for every dollar they earn. Maybe this is what my sister was talking about when she commented on my poem about money. Money fucks up everything. If I start saving now AND I get a job AND I fundraise, maybe, just maybe I'll get to go. And that'll be like the epitome of my high school career, going out of the state with friends :]
I just gotta think frugal >:|

Shit. Life is hard. And it's completely unfair. But if I've made it this far... it's only a matter of time, right?


:[

I just spent a half hour typing something that won't be posted. What about? Honey Bee.
I was getting all my thoughts and concerns out when I realized I was rambling. What's the use? The same thoughts will be stuck in my head no matter how many times and ways I write it. I hope that she wasn't referring to me in the post on her blog. No, we haven't been talking a lot, but yes, we are still friends. When have we ever talked constantly for more than a week or two? It's just the way we are. Neither one of us is willing to talk about our own lives without some sore of impetus. But I'm waiting for her to talk to me. Because if she stopped, she can start again... right?

Or maybe I need to stop waiting and take matters into my own hands.
I love how this is all about if she was talking about me. It worries me that much.