Friday, May 7, 2010

Darkness in the Valley

I have all this pent frustration growing inside of me. I hate it. And I can't shake this chapfallen feeling of mine. I really miss my brother and my bestie. I talked to Malcolm on the phone yesterday for about an hour. That was probably the happiest I've been all week. Right next to that afternoon I spent with Vthong, of course :)
But within the following hour of our conversation, those good feelings all went away. Like my status said, I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day... sighhh.
So in an attempt to tighten my retainers, my mom messed up my bottom one. And it doesn't fit anymore. And we can't do anything about it because she refuses to go back to my orthdontist because they gyped her outta a lot of money. So I'm just gonna wear the top ones I guess. I mean, the whole reason I got braces was for my gap. As long as I wear the top retainers nothing will happen, right?
And my sister just came for a visit. She can be very annoying. She kept saying that I should be doing resumes and stuff. Like, my god! Can I at least take the SATs first?!
Then there's the renovation my mom is doing in Malcolm's room. And my guinea pigs are now shacking in my room. And I don't have bedding to clean the cage. And I have to keep the window open even in the freezing temperatures of the night because the cage smells so much. And I have to take the stupid AP English test. That class was the worst decision of my high school career. And I know I got an F for Chemistry this term. And my dad keeps hinting how I'm going to have to go to summer school or repeat the grade. I mean, really? Nice to know how much faith you have in me. Coming from the person who taught me himself. Does he think he raised an idiot? And there's just so much out of whack in this house and in my head. I don't know how I keep up with it all. There's so much I still haven't done. There's so much more to do. Volunteering, getting a job. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years doing absolutely nothing. I come home and find myself at 11 o'clock having done absolutely nothing. And I hate myself for not living up to my full potential. To all the goals I set for myself and my family. And I feel like bursting into tears but I can't. The most I can get is a tear to slide down my cheek. I mean, yes there are matters much worse than mine. There are so many more hardships. So it's probably good that I've kept it together for so long. But one of these days there will come along something that will completely flip over my boat. I'm waiting for the day when I'll fully bawl my eyes out. It could come anytime, unexpected. So I should live my days to the fullest. I should really take my own advice.
But I still can't get past this mountain of unhappiness. I'm waiting for something to happen to cheer me up. But maybe I should get up myself and start taking strides. I'm the one who's keeping myself in such a crestfallen mood. I have the ability to create happiness for myself. So why aren't I doing it?

So this is my little rant. My little diary entry of sorts. You've gotten a glance of the true me. The me that I hold back from everyone else. The me that few people know. The me that I try to mask with a smile. But my mask is fading and sooner or later I'll have to face my problems and myself. Sooner or later I'll have to grow up, with or without Malcolm and/or my bestie.

Right now, I think the only thing that would make me even a smidge bit happier would be to talk to Twinn again or to make sure Ninja (and Twinn) are truly happy and well. Whatever I can do just to see them be themselves again...

Phew, that was a lot. I never thought my life was very interesting, but now I see that I have just as much drama as any other teen. The difference is that I don't broadcast it, I keep it inside in denial of the truth... Okie doke. Now time for homework. Later.

Xtina. Cjoe. Kandi. Monkee. Twinn <3
Jifly and jifmy.

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