So this week has been pretty much horrible. Sometime over the weekend, I started missing my best friend. (And yes, I realize that I still call her that even though we both realize that we aren't anymore.) She visited on Sunday to drop off a gift, a Jonas Brother's bag. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. (I just wish I had a decent enough gift to give her! It was her birthday that recently passed...) She is my best friend because she knows me. She knows my history (hell, she's been apart of it since the 2nd grade!). She knows my family. She knows my reactions. She knows my likes and dislikes (and even shares most of them). Sometimes I feel like she knows me far better than I even know myself... But she left. We went our separate ways (hopefully to return to each other again someday). And as she departed, she took a piece of me. I miss her soooooo much.
This week I realized that no matter how much time I spend with people from my school, no matter how nice they are, none of them will ever know me as well Blake does. I can't just start talking about my family because none of them will ever know them as well as Blake does. I can't just start talking about my crushes because I don't trust... many (not all) of them completely, without a doubt, as I did with Blake. (Yes, there are people that I trust there, but they are young. Or I don't want to worry them. And still, none of them know me as well as... you guessed it, Blake.)
But when I had major things on my mind, if not Blake, I knew that I could always go to Malcolm, my brother. He had definitely been there all my life. If not Blake, he absolutely knew me best of all. He understood me and helped me the best he could. After Blake and I split, he was there. In the middle of the night when I was still doing homework he would come home from work and ask me about my day. He would be concerned about my work, pay attention to it. He would persuade me to go to bed. He was my rock. But then he too left. He moved to Texas and although I can still talk to him on the phone or via email, it's not the same as face to face. He's not here to see what's happening and I can't call him everyday with my every concern, he's having a hard time managing down there on his own...
So that's what's been going on this past while. I lost the two people that know me best (other than my mother). And now I'm in my own way of completely opening up to people. When all the pressures started building I felt like I had no one to talk to (because if it's not Blake or Malcolm, I may as well not be talking at all, it won't help). It's my own fault. I can talk to others, but it just wouldn't feel right. And I miss my brother and my best friend so muchhhhh!
Sigh. That's what's been going on with me this past week. Honestly, there's so much in my mind that I can't make a coherent thought out of any of it. It's like a huge invisible weight...
Not only that, but Twinn's been concerning me. We don't talk much anymore and it makes me sad. She was one of the few people that I trusted at school. I still do trust her, but since... she doesn't say much to me. I know she's been thinking about it, but I can't pry open her thoughts. Especially the other day when I noticed something, but she wouldn't tell me about it. And it scared me a little because it reminded me of something else another person I trust did. I don't know. I'm confused and lacking sleep and behind in homework. And this is the end of my junior year. I;m going to college soon. I need to volunteer, get a job, and start saving up.
Oooowww... there goes that weight again.
But hey, the good part is that today at JV practice (because I missed the bus to go to the varsity game in Brighton), I had so much fun with Vthong. I laughed for the first time in a long time. She had me running around like I was a kid again. That high lasted all the way through the afternoon, all the way until about an hour after I uploaded the pictures (I think I said something to make Twinn upset D:). But anywho, I was happy. And I hope that stays with me through tomorrow because there's only one more day to this week. After that, sleep and relaxation and recouping (and a call to Malcolm). I thank Vthong dearly for spending time with me. She has no idea how much it turned my week around :)
Well since it's a bit too late to finish homework, I think I should take a shower and go to bed. Nighty night :)
P.S. To those who may be reading this, don't over think all of this. I just needed to get it off my chest. And if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to get inside my brain. I'll come talk to you when I'm ready. Until then, a simple "How was your day" will suffice.
P.S.S Oh yea. I forgot to talk my crushes.... Honestly, fiance (or rather ex-fiance because he broke up with me haha) makes me jealous sometimes. And I'm sure that sounds odd to you all, but it's true. He hangs out with a different girl every other day. Or even worse, the same girl. I get jealous and try to remind myself that we still have a great friendship lol. Then again, all of this jealousy won't last long. After he graduates and after this year, my major crushes will be gone. What will I ever do then? (Haha. I'll probably find someone else to like. Stupid crushes. They never end well...)
P.S.S. Alright, that's it. Good night :)