JUST FRIENDS

Why is it so hard for me to be just friends with a guy? For as long as I can remember I've never been able to just be friends with a guy. Even in elementary school. Shannon? The first guy ever to tell me that he liked me? That was in the fourth grade. And I can remember chasing him around just because I liked him back in the 2nd grade. I was never really just friends with him.

By now, my second year in college, you'd think that I'd at least have some sort of relationship with a guy (romantic or not), but no. Well... yes. There was Frank. But I liked him. And told him eventually. But it worked out. We're still friends now. Other than that though he's been my only close guy friend. Being completely honest, I've had some sort of feelings towards all my other male friends - the ones who I thought were attractive, at least. The not-so-attractive ones I've always tried to avoid one-on-one contact with because I felt like they liked me, and I didn't want to.. lead them on. Sigh, I know that sounds really bad (believe me, I don't think I'm any sort of hot shit or anything..), but there's no other way I can try to explain my strange thought process. Don't judge me.

So anyway, here in college where I have a lot more interaction with the opposite sex I find it... difficult. Well, I'm definitely getting better (yay for me going through this whole "growing up" thing in college!), but when it comes to someone I'm actually really attracted to like *coughJaycough* it gets really complicated.
I've come to a point where I realized that it's just better that we stay friends. I'm going through this phase where I convince myself that it wouldn't work out between us anyway (the same thing I usually do before meeting any other guy..). And it's working, ever so slowly. The fact that I don't see him as often helps too. I wish I could just "lose" his number.. haha.

But tonight I finally got the chance to sit down and talk to him one-on-one. It was nice, just two friends catching up. Then he brought up a very interesting topic. He was on Facebook and his sister posted a status about nice guys. How she feels like crap because she's talking to this nice guy, but she's disappointed to see him treat all other girls he interacts with the same way. It doesn't make her feel as special anymore. Which is something I totally get, but he was confused by it. He asked for my opinion on it.

So I told him, "It's funny that you mention that. Because you make me feel the same way."

...

Did you believe me? Yeah, no. I would never say something that bold. I told him that I could see how she feels (I really, really, reaaaally do... -_- ) but I could also see where he, the nice guy, is coming from. I said that it was a shame that all guys weren't simply nice. If that were a standard, there wouldn't be any problem, there wouldn't be any more confusion.

I'm writing about this because I found it extremely ironic how he mentioned that tonight of all nights talking to me. Why me? That comment poked a hole in my neatly sealed box of feelings. Now I have to wrap it up again and convince myself, yet again, that we are just friends. I must not expect anything more. I must prepare myself for heartbreak before anything happens (namely, before he starts "hanging out" with another girl). Just Friends. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but it'll just have to do.

Every single time I fall at the wrong time...

Other than that though I was forced to watch part of Insidious. I won't ever say it aloud, but it freaked me out so much that it made me cry. Never again... And I'm finally out of the Biology major. It feels like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders.. I'm starting to see a counselor here on campus. I hope they can help me figure out my life. If not, at least I'll have someone I know I can always talk to when I can't turn to anyone else. I got a 90 on my Macroeconomics exam tonight. WOOO! Oh, and I think I'm starting to resent Honey Bee. When I see her updates on Facebook I get the strong urge to just.. delete her from everything. My Facebook, my phone, ..my memories... I think I need to work on being content with my life more. I need to accept the past, live in the moment, and look towards a bright, happy future. That's the life I want. I'm just having trouble getting there :(

Is happiness too much to ask for?

Btw I went to a poetry slam earlier this week and Dan Castillo's poems are amazing. Listen to his poem "Letter to St. Thomas the Apostle" on his website here. If you don't like that one, check out his other ones. I'm positive there's something there everyone can relate to in some way. I emailed him the next day and he replied with kind words. He just seemed so happy and content with his life on that stage. Is it so wrong to want that kind of life?

I think I have a solution. It may be time to try to start up meditating again. The first time everything just... fell through. Let's see how this goes...