Lazy Bum...

FUCK YOU!
So just now my dad called me a lazy bum infront of my cousins and their mom. Thank you, so much (which I actually did say). I mean, it's okay to call me that around immediate family, but anyone outside that... that's just wrong. The reason so many of my cousins are over is because they're helping prepare for my sister and my cousin's graduation cookout/party tomorrow. My dad said it wasn't a party, but he's wrong. This is gonna be another classic Joseph family cookout. Big.
What I hate most about these parties is the day before. All the aunts and people come over and take over the kitchen like they own the place. Sooo annoying. (Or maybe it's just me, I have issues.) anywho, the best part is obviously seeing all my cousins and family. And the food and all the conversations. It's the best of times and the worst of times...
But this all reminded me of Malcolm and how he's most likely not coming tomorrow for my sisters graduation or the party. I really wish I could see him right now. I could use a slightly awkward hug.
*moment to recoup*
Sighhh. So my dad asked me "don't you feel bad that everybody is working except for you?" To which I responded no and he called me a lazy bum. I'm it mad because what am I gonna do?! (acually, I just realized that I could vacuum the stairs because my mom told me to do it this morning... I'll do it right after this post. But back to the main point...) I just found out that we were having a cookout here TWO DAYS AGOOO! Jesus! You could at least warn a girl. Plus, everybody has something to do already. I'm not goin outside and I can't cook. You uys are just gonna fix whatever else I do so what's the point?
And as a result I am up in my room staying away from everybody else. I don't want to deal with this. I didn't plan to have this party. Call me when he actual party starts. Call me when he fun starts. Call me when Malcolm gets back home...

-Xtina

I Thought Wrong. There's Always A Downside.

So I thought that I'd be able to handle today but I was wrong.  
OMG! EWWW! I guess I was standing to close to the edge of the roof because I just felt drops of something fall on me. I'm guessing it was pigeon pee (do they even pee???). Ugh! If some sort of mutant cancerous growth starts forming on my hand, you'll know why. Anywho, where was I...
I thought that I'd be able to handle today, but I was wrong. I'm almost can't wait for next year now. Sigh. I have no idea how I went through this before (because pretty much the samething happened to me in middle school; except then, my freind--my best friend-- actually went out with the guy). If you haven't figured it out by now I'm talking about Hung.
So today was a pretty good day. I felt a lot better than I have been feeling all week. We did pretty much nothing in our classes because there's still AP testing. So I spent most of the day reading Runaways. And I finished it too! Lexie wants to read it now >:) I'm gonna give it to her tomorrow when we have our movie night. I sorta want to sleep over too, but idk. And Qui wants to read the second one so I'll give it to him after I'm done with it haha, probably Monday. And though I didn't talk to Cwong all day (I think she waved at me once in the stairwell but I kept walking, I felt soooo bad!), afterschool when I was waiting for Emmi and taking pics with Vthong, she talked to me!!! :D really sad sounding, but it's the truth. Of course she talked to Vthong first, but it's something. I hate how we act like strangers :(
Yeah, so afterschool Emmi and I went to go get he Build-a-Bear/senior gift for our group for Phi. And we met up Jenny... and Hung at Ruggles. At first it was okay. He's a funny dude (and Emmi too!) so conversation wasn't awkward or anything.  But by he end of the day Hung and Jenny were tires and... I dint even want to say it. Because I know it sounds ridiculous, but just one movement can hurt a lot it if you really like a person :( and this morning I walked up the stairs but Sarah C2 wasn't there and the only other person I knew was Hung who was sitting by himself so I sat wig him. Then later Cwong came and that made it extra awkward ugh.
Anywho, I hunk I'm just gonna stay away from him now... or at least when Jenny's around. I can't handle it.
But aside from the Hung and Jenny situation, today was a pretty good day. I'm just really hungry! I can't wait to get home and eat some foooooooodddddd! You can't buy much with only one dollar in your wallet, even if you are at McDonalds.
Oh, this is my bus stop. Blog you later.
Xtina
:\

P.S. (I'm at home) I realized that love really is a losing game. In the end, you still lose your love. Always. Welllllll, maybe not always. But aside from relationships like in The Notebook, you do.

Ehh.

I'm still sad. And it's really starting to show now. People keep asking me "are you okay?" and I just answer "yeah" or "I'm fine", but I'm getting tired of lying. I'm in serious need of a pick-me-up. Someone needs to take me out and help me be happy again... Or I need to stop moping around and get over whatever it is that's bothering me. Sigh. Junior year absolutely sucks.
Tomorrow is my AP English test, yay! I barely learned a thing from that class. Except probably not to take AP classes. (Stupid me, I signed up for AP Biology...) So wish me good luck because I know I'll need it. Sighhhhh.

So today. Before going to lunch I stopped by the bathroom to take out my retainer and guess what I see? I walk in and I see at least 6 girls just sitting there. One girl pulled in a chair from the cafeteria, another two are sitting next to the windows, and two others are sitting with their feet ON THE SINKS. Like WHAT THE FUCK?! There was this one girl who had just come out of the bathroom and was washing her hands so I had to wait to use the ONLY OTHER SINK. Stupid little bitches. They must have no lives. One chick was doing her homework. I mean, if you're gonna skip class don't just hang out in the bathroom, go leave school or something. UGH! The underclassmen piss me off SO MUCH. The things they do... >_<"
And you know how when you walk in a bathroom full of a group of gossiping girls they all stop talking? That's what happened. I mean, it's embarrassing enough that I had to take out and wash my retainer in front of them. But I could feel their stares. AGH! Sometimes I really hate how girls act. Punk-ass bitches. I was so mad (obviously I still am). I wanted to start a fight, but clearly that wasn't the best option lol. I'll just let them run the school into the ground I guess. I don't know. Smh, what that school's becoming...

And afterschool I learned that the guys had a home game against Madison. So I stayed for a bit, but after a while I felt all sad and depressed again. Bobby and I were gonna pass, but Linh sauntered in and they talked for like 20 minutes. Next thing I know Jenny came in and he started passing with her... and Hung joined in... and Vicky. So disappointed and disheartened by the rush of much prettier girls that flowed in the gym, I walked around for a bit. I ended up at the top of the bleachers on the other side of the gym just listening to music. Ironically, just the people I wanted to avoid, Hung, Jenny and them were passing in front of the very same bleachers. Great. Luckily Vthong was there to keep me company for a while. I lay down for most of the game and I left at around 3:30 to catch the 14.
But that referee lady stopped me before leaving. She reminded me again that I was very beautiful (a great way to cheer up someone's day -- I think I'm going to start doing that, giving people compliments daily; as long as it brightens someone's day, I'm glad to do it). Then she told me that she was gonna get one of the coaches to contact me. But I told her I didn't know how I was gonna get all the way to Foxboro for all the games. She she ended it just saying to forget it. She said that I should focus on my studies. I should've told her that I did really want to do it, just that transportation was just going to be a problem... but Hung came over and I already wasn't in a good mood so I just left. And I opened the door to find the 14 drive by. So I had to take the train home. I thought about going back in to take the train home with Qui, but I didn't know if he was going anywhere afterwards and I really didn't want to see everybody's faces again so I just went home.

Is it weird that I forget all my problems at home (as long as my dad doesn't start any argumentative conversations with me)? I ate some food and watched Law and Order: SVU. I felt almost happy. Hmmm. Maybe it's just the whole school environment....

Anywho, I have to go study and do other work. A lot of stuff planned for the next two days... And my mom. She scared me this morning. Her arthritis is getting worse... Ttyl.
Xtina<3

P.S. I didn't talk to Cwong at the game... and she didn't talk to me. That makes me REALLY sad :'(
What happened?

Darkness in the Valley

I have all this pent frustration growing inside of me. I hate it. And I can't shake this chapfallen feeling of mine. I really miss my brother and my bestie. I talked to Malcolm on the phone yesterday for about an hour. That was probably the happiest I've been all week. Right next to that afternoon I spent with Vthong, of course :)
But within the following hour of our conversation, those good feelings all went away. Like my status said, I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day... sighhh.
So in an attempt to tighten my retainers, my mom messed up my bottom one. And it doesn't fit anymore. And we can't do anything about it because she refuses to go back to my orthdontist because they gyped her outta a lot of money. So I'm just gonna wear the top ones I guess. I mean, the whole reason I got braces was for my gap. As long as I wear the top retainers nothing will happen, right?
And my sister just came for a visit. She can be very annoying. She kept saying that I should be doing resumes and stuff. Like, my god! Can I at least take the SATs first?!
Then there's the renovation my mom is doing in Malcolm's room. And my guinea pigs are now shacking in my room. And I don't have bedding to clean the cage. And I have to keep the window open even in the freezing temperatures of the night because the cage smells so much. And I have to take the stupid AP English test. That class was the worst decision of my high school career. And I know I got an F for Chemistry this term. And my dad keeps hinting how I'm going to have to go to summer school or repeat the grade. I mean, really? Nice to know how much faith you have in me. Coming from the person who taught me himself. Does he think he raised an idiot? And there's just so much out of whack in this house and in my head. I don't know how I keep up with it all. There's so much I still haven't done. There's so much more to do. Volunteering, getting a job. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my teenage years doing absolutely nothing. I come home and find myself at 11 o'clock having done absolutely nothing. And I hate myself for not living up to my full potential. To all the goals I set for myself and my family. And I feel like bursting into tears but I can't. The most I can get is a tear to slide down my cheek. I mean, yes there are matters much worse than mine. There are so many more hardships. So it's probably good that I've kept it together for so long. But one of these days there will come along something that will completely flip over my boat. I'm waiting for the day when I'll fully bawl my eyes out. It could come anytime, unexpected. So I should live my days to the fullest. I should really take my own advice.
But I still can't get past this mountain of unhappiness. I'm waiting for something to happen to cheer me up. But maybe I should get up myself and start taking strides. I'm the one who's keeping myself in such a crestfallen mood. I have the ability to create happiness for myself. So why aren't I doing it?

So this is my little rant. My little diary entry of sorts. You've gotten a glance of the true me. The me that I hold back from everyone else. The me that few people know. The me that I try to mask with a smile. But my mask is fading and sooner or later I'll have to face my problems and myself. Sooner or later I'll have to grow up, with or without Malcolm and/or my bestie.

Right now, I think the only thing that would make me even a smidge bit happier would be to talk to Twinn again or to make sure Ninja (and Twinn) are truly happy and well. Whatever I can do just to see them be themselves again...

Phew, that was a lot. I never thought my life was very interesting, but now I see that I have just as much drama as any other teen. The difference is that I don't broadcast it, I keep it inside in denial of the truth... Okie doke. Now time for homework. Later.

Xtina. Cjoe. Kandi. Monkee. Twinn <3
Jifly and jifmy.

Chapfallen.

So this week has been pretty much horrible. Sometime over the weekend, I started missing my best friend. (And yes, I realize that I still call her that even though we both realize that we aren't anymore.) She visited on Sunday to drop off a gift, a Jonas Brother's bag. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. (I just wish I had a decent enough gift to give her! It was her birthday that recently passed...) She is my best friend because she knows me. She knows my history (hell, she's been apart of it since the 2nd grade!). She knows my family. She knows my reactions. She knows my likes and dislikes (and even shares most of them). Sometimes I feel like she knows me far better than I even know myself... But she left. We went our separate ways (hopefully to return to each other again someday). And as she departed, she took a piece of me. I miss her soooooo much.
This week I realized that no matter how much time I spend with people from my school, no matter how nice they are, none of them will ever know me as well Blake does. I can't just start talking about my family because none of them will ever know them as well as Blake does. I can't just start talking about my crushes because I don't trust... many (not all) of them completely, without a doubt, as I did with Blake. (Yes, there are people that I trust there, but they are young. Or I don't want to worry them. And still, none of them know me as well as... you guessed it, Blake.)
But when I had major things on my mind, if not Blake, I knew that I could always go to Malcolm, my brother. He had definitely been there all my life. If not Blake, he absolutely knew me best of all. He understood me and helped me the best he could. After Blake and I split, he was there. In the middle of the night when I was still doing homework he would come home from work and ask me about my day. He would be concerned about my work, pay attention to it. He would persuade me to go to bed. He was my rock. But then he too left. He moved to Texas and although I can still talk to him on the phone or via email, it's not the same as face to face. He's not here to see what's happening and I can't call him everyday with my every concern, he's having a hard time managing down there on his own...
So that's what's been going on this past while. I lost the two people that know me best (other than my mother). And now I'm in my own way of completely opening up to people. When all the pressures started building I felt like I had no one to talk to (because if it's not Blake or Malcolm, I may as well not be talking at all, it won't help). It's my own fault. I can talk to others, but it just wouldn't feel right. And I miss my brother and my best friend so muchhhhh!

Sigh. That's what's been going on with me this past week. Honestly, there's so much in my mind that I can't make a coherent thought out of any of it. It's like a huge invisible weight...
Not only that, but Twinn's been concerning me. We don't talk much anymore and it makes me sad. She was one of the few people that I trusted at school. I still do trust her, but since... she doesn't say much to me. I know she's been thinking about it, but I can't pry open her thoughts. Especially the other day when I noticed something, but she wouldn't tell me about it. And it scared me a little because it reminded me of something else another person I trust did. I don't know. I'm confused and lacking sleep and behind in homework. And this is the end of my junior year. I;m going to college soon. I need to volunteer, get a job, and start saving up.
Oooowww... there goes that weight again.

But hey, the good part is that today at JV practice (because I missed the bus to go to the varsity game in Brighton), I had so much fun with Vthong. I laughed for the first time in a long time. She had me running around like I was a kid again. That high lasted all the way through the afternoon, all the way until about an hour after I uploaded the pictures (I think I said something to make Twinn upset D:). But anywho, I was happy. And I hope that stays with me through tomorrow because there's only one more day to this week. After that, sleep and relaxation and recouping (and a call to Malcolm). I thank Vthong dearly for spending time with me. She has no idea how much it turned my week around :)

Well since it's a bit too late to finish homework, I think I should take a shower and go to bed. Nighty night :)

P.S. To those who may be reading this, don't over think all of this. I just needed to get it off my chest. And if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to get inside my brain. I'll come talk to you when I'm ready. Until then, a simple "How was your day" will suffice.

P.S.S Oh yea. I forgot to talk my crushes.... Honestly, fiance (or rather ex-fiance because he broke up with me haha) makes me jealous sometimes. And I'm sure that sounds odd to you all, but it's true. He hangs out with a different girl every other day. Or even worse, the same girl. I get jealous and try to remind myself that we still have a great friendship lol. Then again, all of this jealousy won't last long. After he graduates and after this year, my major crushes will be gone. What will I ever do then? (Haha. I'll probably find someone else to like. Stupid crushes. They never end well...)

P.S.S. Alright, that's it. Good night :)