Monday, August 8, 2011

New Hampshire

I never did get to talk about my NH trip with YMS... When people ask how it was I don't know what to say. I spent two days and two nights there. And the only time I had an inkling of fun was when I made s'mores... and when I got that bullseye playing darts. Every other time I was either upset, crying, or just feeling awkward (because of Honey Bee and her Beau or anything else). The house was great and everything, I just felt somewhat out of place. And things just got worse. It was a combination of my feelings toward certain people, my reaction to when a valued friend said that I shouldn't hold on to my relationship with my best friend, being updated on all the stuff going on with my best friend, and anger at myself for not speaking up.
I was able to sum up the trip and what went wrong in a little paragraph:
In one short day a few words were able to break me down. The light from that lone electric star shone on the page. "Why am I the way I am? Why don't I speak? Why am I the way I am? Why don't I speak? Why am I..." I tried to scribble away my choking thoughts but they kept coming back. They pushed me to the point of tears. There in that comfortable house I should have been smiling. Instead I lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. Had anyone dared to look inside my black and white spotted notebook they would have seen the red ink of my pent up frustrations. But had they seen it and asked I would have nothing to say about it. For some reason I keep my thoughts to myself, never letting anyone fully understand my true feelings. Just like that night in New Hampshire, I am asking myself why I do that. Why do I feel the need to hold it all in? The answer I keep telling myself is "I don't know."

As a result of my not speaking my mind I seem distant to others, I know this. I just fear that one day people might think I'm pushing them away.

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