Three Shots

Just three shots.

By myself.

I'm numb, I'm dizzy, but I'm talking a lot more.

I'm engaging. I'm interesting now.

But I drank by myself.

Pathetic. Depressing. Lonely.

Happy. Birthday. Me.

But.. At the end of the day guns don't kill people, people kill people. The world is a fucked up place and honestly, the only thing that stops something as simple as a stone from being a weapon is the person holding it.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I've seen this movie in the instant queue of Netflix for a while and I finally watched it Sunday night. I love Jim Carrey movies, but this was in the sci-fi/romance genre so I wasn't so sure. It turned out to be a really good movie. It's about a guy named Joel who finds out that his impulsive ex-girlfriend Clementine had him and their relationship erased from her memory. He reacts by also getting his memory erased of her. During the procedure however, he realizes that he doesn't want to follow through the procedure. Most of the movie takes place in Joel's subconscious mind where he tries to resist the operation and get the people operating on him to stop. Backtracking through his memories with her, Joel tries hold on to Clementine by taking her to different memories of his younger life.
It was a very interesting movie not only because of the provoking concept of removing another completely from one's memory, but also because of the personalities of the two main characters Joel and Clementine, which seemed to be polar extremes of one another that somehow clashed well, in a perfect harmony.

I guess this movie was a good one to me because I found myself relating quite a bit to Jim Carrey's character, who is emotionally withdrawn. Two of his quotes really clicked with me:

One was, for him, on the subject of girls (for me, on the subject of guys).
Joel: "[narration as Clementine acknowledges Joel by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

The other was about him being so withdrawn.
Clementine: "You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every damn, embarrassing thing.You don't trust me."
Joel: "Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I've gone to two sessions with counseling so far. At the last session my counselor/therapist suggested that I feel listless and somewhat depressed null because I feel withdrawn in relationships with those I care about most. Especially considering the relationships that have ended more recently, I feel somewhat void of someone to talk to whenever I need them. It makes a lot of sense. I'm glad she could connect the dots for me because it was bothersome not to know why I was feeling so down. So as a remedy I've decided to try going to one of the group meditation sessions on campus. That, or yoga/regular exercise. Something to help clear my mind and let go of the past. I've also recently read a book for Psychology called Understanding Other People by Beverly D.Flaxington. I 'm going to try and use the tips in that book to better communicate with the close friends I have now. Maybe I can make more meaningful relationships out of those. Maybe that'll be the way to help me feel grounded and not so                detached                 from others.

But anyway, back to the movie review!

I give it 3.5/5 stars. Great concept, beautiful presentation, something that I could relate to, but it was sort of confusing and it's a movie I'd only want to watch once. Still, go see it. It's worthwhile!

Operation Johnny

Objective: To keep my friend's hopes high and to try to make him feel better, even in the smallest way.
Reason: He means a lot to me and he should know that. He also should know that he's not alone, that he shouldn't be so stressed. I want to let him know that even if he hasn't changed the world, he at least changed one person's world.

Step 1: Send him my 1000 paper cranes in the mail for good luck.
Step 2: Save money.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for sometime around Spring Break (hopefully) and visit him.
Step 4: Somehow make or buy him a cake since he never got one for his birthday. :(

As I'm writing this I'm thinking about just how quickly things change. I'm thinking that someone's life could be taken away at any moment, someone near and dear to me at that. And that's never happened to me before...
I'm thinking that our lives have changed so much in just these past two years. Look where we are now!
I'm thinking that while one person may finally be feeling good about themselves, another person may be going through hell.
I'm glad I made that outreach last night and had that talk with him, now I can try my best to help and be there for him. I can try to give back and try to do for him what he did for me.

Time, please be on my side.

Not quite jealousy, more like annoyance... Does that make sense?

Couples piss me off. Get a room.

Though I'll admit.. some of them are pretty cute. A very small few :p

The kids don't stand a chance.

[B.o.B. - The Kids ft. Janelle Monae]

I really am just "waiting for the end to come" [Linkin Park].
The world is so fucked. And I feel like I have nothing to live for, like my life is going nowhere. I'll go to school and hang out with my friends and have a couple good times and a couple bad times and maybe eventually get a degree then get a job I maybe will sorta kinda like then move out then live out the rest of my days... waiting for the end to come. I don't really see the point. I've experienced life - pain, happiness, pride, pity, beauty, growth, sickness, love, anger, doubt - all the good stuff, and the bad stuff. What else can there be? It's a constant cycle where too many people get hurt. And you may be thinking, "but you haven't experienced everything! you've yet to see the world, you've yet to fall in love!" But wherever I go there will be beauty and there will be even more pain and sadness and heartbreak and despair. And honestly, I'm starting to think that there's no one out there for me. I was born a virgin to all things sexual about love and I'll probably die that way too (more or less).
I'm just tired of it all. Most of the kids nowadays have no sense of self. They're cold and rude and throw sex around like it's meaningless. The generations are just getting more and more hard. It's like they're born into this bleak world knowing those moments of fake happiness in drunken dance and partying and hookups is all they have to look forward to.

I don't know why I thought of this or why I wrote this all here, but I'm sorry if I ruined your day. Maybe I was just hoping that someone else felt the same way.

I have enough common sense to know that someone out there does, that I'm not alone. I just can't shake the feeling that I am.

Bad Decisions?

Is it bad that I'm purposely bailing on my friends from school? I don't want to talk to them. I know that I've said that I'm tired of them, that I've spent my time with them and now I just spend time at home. But in the end I don't think this is good for me at all. The more I distance myself from them... the more we'll change. And probably grow apart. Then I won't have anyone to call a friend at all. I'll truly be a loner. I don't really want to be alone that much.

It's as though there are two sides to me. The Boston side and the Framingham side. Honestly, I act pretty much the same in both places. I have my weird, outspoken moments and I have my quiet, secluded moments. It's just that in Framingham with all the friends I've made there I feel like they barely know me at all. Partially because I don't open up like I do with my friends in Boston, say, that I've known for years. And partially because I feel sort of out of place with them. They all click so well and I'm just... me. (I'd like not to think it has to do with my race...) It's probably all my fault for not being more... open. Anyway, because I feel out of place with them, I'm inclined to just avoid them and all of Framingham for a good while until I'm forced to reunite again (when school starts). But like I said, distance can change people. What I'm doing isn't helping my situation.

What's wrong with me? Why do I push people away?

Le Motto

I... don't love my sister.

The only feelings I have towards her are negative to be honest.
If only people knew what it was like growing up with her. She never spent time with me and when she did it was only because she was forced to. She didn't like me.
She's disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate... Sigh. I hate to say this about my only sister in life, the only other female who has the same familial blood as me, but I can't lie. I don't know her at all. And from the few instances we interact and communicate, I'm not sure I want to.

One day when I was younger, Dinah did something that really hurt me (I couldn't tell you what it was but there were lots of times like those) so I found this picture and tore it in half. I couldn't stand the sight of it. Of course later on I taped it back together because I felt bad..
We're so cute. How could we end up like this now?

Anybody out there?

Why is it that I'm not particularly moved by the latest tragedy, the Colorado movie theater shooting massacre? There must really be something wrong with me. I'm pretty sure my friends are getting tired of me saying "end of dayssss" too.

I'm sorry, and I my send condolences out to those families who lost a member or had a member witness that horror.

But I fear there are worse things to come. Because, like I've said, I think I've lost faith in the world.

These posts, my posts, more frequently exude depression... so I've decided not to write about this (the possible end of the world) again. If it ends, it ends. If it doesn't, it doesn't. As of now, life goes on. There's no need to depress everyone. I swear, this will be the last of it.