Rather Than Writing My Essay...

I wrote this in the car on the way to NY. It came out to be about 7 handwritten pages. Nice. It's a very long, detailed update.

So as I've said before, this week is very busy. Let me start with yesterday. I woke up late. I got in trouble. Another month added. Yay -_-
I told the stupid boy... Z that I'd find him and give him a hug because well, he got his heart crushed again and my natural instinct for consoling people is to give them a hug. So there's that but I also just really wanted to give him a hug. My boyfriend should give amazing hugs, ones that make me never want to let go... not that Z's my boyfriend or that I want him to be. But yea, since I woke up an hour late I texted him and told him I wouldn't be able to give him one in the morning. He replied saying it's okay and that I'm a senior, I should take the day off. HA! He obviously doesn't understand that my parents are nuts. But Malcolm ended up giving me a ride and I happened to see him in the halls a few times, meaning more than one hug! ^_^ I also made a shoe of checking his arms since he said I might find a new more marks. That really worries me. I've already given him my thoughts on his whole situation, a speech, really. I've known two of my close friends to cut before and both times it really worried me. Harming your body is never an answer. "Treat your body like a temple," that's how I roll. Not only is cutting dangerous, but it's also a sign of depression and I'd hate to know that a friend of mine is depressed.
Anyway... yesterday night Z and I were talking on AIM and we ended up switching to a webchat online (webcam chat? whatever it's called) because we were trying to figure out precalc homework. (He's in the Ms. Bradeen's class too.) In the end neither of is knew how to do it and we gave up lol. So we just... talked and around midnight when I found out he was intensely AIMing with some little girl I logged off. Smh. That pedo. He honestly has a thing for younger girls. It's both creepy and disappointing :\
I quietly ran around the house (so as not to wake up my dad because my laptop was supposed to be off at 10 haha) tryna get stuff together for the scholarship that was due today. But at the same time I was talking Vicky - um, I mean Honey Bee :) It was... difficult at fist. It was around the time she started asking me about the "stupid boy" when I realized I don't tell her anything (my thoughts) and she said that's the reason why she doesn't tell me anything. I thought I've gone over it enough in my blog to be understood that I'm a listener, not a talker; that I'm quiet because I feel like my life is sorta boring. There's nothing to say. And even if there was, like if I were mad about something, I would probably just blog it and get over it. I wouldn't talk about it because I'd get over it quickly. I usually don't stay upset for very long. But I should know that real life, real relationships, friendships, are completely different from a blog online. There's two-way communication that needs to happen in real life. So with great difficulty I told her who the "stupid boy" is. I told her about my dilemma with giving him hints on who the girl that likes him is. She said that I should just tell him. When I pointed out how hard it was for me to tell her who the guy was she said that that I'm not being true with myself at all (or something along the lines of that). I told her it's because I don't like the truth.
I mentioned in one of my last blogs how I feel like it won't work and how I'm partially scared of rejection. I mean, when have I ever flat out told a guy I liked them - to their face? Right. Never. I can come up with a hundred excuses but in the end I think it's based off my being scared. Of what, you ask? I'm not sure myself. These are just theories on why I do the things I do. And I;m supposed to be the one who knows most about myself HAHAHAHA. I don't know what I'm doing, I just go with the flow. Ultimately I'm just trying to live life as happily as I can.
Anyway, moving on...
This morning I got to school on time :) But I didn't have time to eat breakfast. And there wasn't any food to pack for a lunch either :(
I went to school in silence . I only started talking when I saw Z at his locker outside my homeroom.. I gave him a hug as he asked how I was. Tired, of course. I've been tired all week. I'm just not a morning person at all. Butyea, after deliberation what Vicky told me the night before, I decided to get it over with and just tell Z. Or at least send better signals. So I gave him a few more hints: her hair's not short but it's not really long either, she goes to BLA, you talk to her. Then he asked me what her ethnicity was and I just walked away smiling, shaking my head. He won't heat that from me yet.
The day went by... I don't know. It just went by. I made some new origami, a seahorse, a seal, and a turtle. I had to run around and do 10 things at once: get my community service hours from a few teachers, get both recommendation letters for that scholarship, edit and print my essay, make signs for the guys' game,get help with precalc, etc. Lexy wasn't in school so history, lunch, and study ere lameeeeeeeeee (though it's always nice talking to Tiff<3). I doubt it's nothing serious, but we haven't talked or visited each other in a while. We need to fix that. Come english class last period I was ready to drop dead. We were "working" on our research papers.I still haven't finished reading my book. Yikes. That rough draft ain't lookin too good. I hope to get some reading done here in the car...
Afterschool I had to run around a lot. There was the TTT meeting that didn't really happen (thought 2 of my recruits came - NICE! >:D ), then I had to finish the scholarship, which I ended up leaving a part of blank, and I got markers and colored pencils and got Alex to finish the signs I started (Vthong joined and made a few signs herself, woot!). Finally I left for Grove Hall to myself some food and donuts (and a drink for PowPow). On my way back getting a drink at Walgreens CJ (the junior)... talked to me? He sorta purposely stopped in front of me and smiled as I was getting a drink from the fridge. Then as I was waiting in line he came up close behind me and said something in my ear. I don't remember what it was, but I replied with a "I don't know you!" He was like"You're a senior right?" And I said "Yea, but I don't know you like that. You can't just sneak up behind me like that." Then he made another "joke" as I almost forgot PowPow's drink as I left. I didn't laugh, but I must admit that I really like his smile... I've heard from Izzy that he's a douche. And I figure that if he hangs out with Tobi and the "Runners" then he must be. But that doesn't change the fact that his smile's dazzling lol.
So I got back, passed with Honey, Duy, and Thinh, then finally got to eat my food after not eating anything all morning. I gotta say that chicken and brocolli wrap was NOT worth the money I paid for it -.- It was a little dry but it was good, aside from the food it left in my teeth... I sat next to Victor. I noticed that he sat next to me the two days before too. Our relationship is odd lol. He reminds me a lot of a less annoying Byron. And in the few times we've been around each other I ended up doing something bad to him (hitting him, dropping his chips, etc.) --by accident, of course! He's an interesting little tall eighth grader. He's nearly my height o_o
I imagine he sits near me cuz I'm a senior. Seniors = cool lol. I mean, that's what I did when the old seniors were around, they were awesome. That just makes me wonder... which senior am I most like? O f course, that's not an accurate question; we're all different in our own ways. Anyway, Victor and I switched off doing line judging. And I realized that the kid can't stay still for the life of him xD
I moved around sitting with Honey and the varsity guys, and sitting behind the score keepers Vdaught, Kathy, Jenny, PowPow, and Xuong, and sitting with JV and Kinners and Jose (next to Z (: ). Fun stuff, sitting with those guys haha. I told people that I was doing line judging so I could bag myself a tall, cute Cambridge varsity boy ;) LOL preferably number 15, eventhough he's really skinny (actually most of them were; I guess that's just how all tall white guys look hehehe).
To sum up the game, varsity lost. Kyle got injured. Z subbed for him. Out of 5 sets we lost the last set and point to Z's blocking mistake, how unlucky! :( Chup fell and got a bruise, shis wincing worried me a lot. But after the game I found a heart shaped bruise on his knee and outlined it ^^ <3 While warming up for JV's game I got hit in the uterus by Robert's serve, then again like 10 seconds later on the head by Duy's serve. Again, how unlucky! lol I guess I'm not having kids lmao. Still, it was fun. I had a good time.
But that's the time my mom called yelling at me because apparently I was supposed to be home by 4 so we could leave for New York at 5ish. Either I didn't know or I forgot. So I got upset cuz she was threatening not to go at all and she wasn't gonna pick me up. Savage and Byron continued that sexist sandwich joke and I was NOT in the mood. Luckily Honey had my back and told them to cool it. I left without giving any personal goodbyes (though I would've LOVED to give Vicky and Z a hug and tell Qui I was leaving...). I went out to the bus stop, looked at the snow and let a few tears fall. I was frustrated and having to get home fast in flats wasn't helping the situation. The bus took a while, but when I finally got on the 28 and moved to the back these outrageously loud, obnoxious, and ignorant teens were talking about me. Even though I had my sound-canceling earphones in I still heard someone saying "DAYUMMMM she's tall... she has man feet/shoes" and some other stupid shit like that. (If I could hear them through my earphones then they must've been really loud. People kept looking back at them.) I was absolutely NOT gonna cry infront of those assholes so I sucked it up and turned my music up. I'd be damned if people, strangers like them would ruin my day! Still, it's funny how I could cry about being frustrated, but not for heaving people talk shit about me. Is that a good thing?
I missed my bus at Mattapan Station so I walked. And I ended up running halfway home. In the snow. With flats on. The first thing my dad asked me when I got home was "Are you supposed to be going out?" When I answered I don't know he said "No, exactly. That's one more week." I was exhausted, wet, and pissed off so I blew it off. Honestly, once I graduate I won't give a damn about what he says, I won't listen. I'm tired of his stupid rules and punishments. I'm almost sure I wanna go to RIT now. Rochester is far away from all this bullshit. I think that's what I need.
I got all my stuff packed in a hurry making a mess of my room then just when I thought we were all ready to leave I got in a huge fight with my parents (my dad, really). And by huge I mean I slammed stuff around and he got in my face. I cried in the shower, for real this time. Then I sat in the kitchen waiting for them to be finished, still fuming. Meanwhile I wrote on Z's wall on facebook. We talked about the game and how even though we were supposed to webchat again and do homework, I can't cuz well, I'm in a car going to New York with no way of getting online. Just my music. But yea, then I gave him a few more hints: she's not in your grade and she's not asian. By answering with ".............................." I assume he gets that it could be/is me. But he still wants to know her ethnicity lol. I guess he wants to be sure. Too bad we left home and my access to wi-fi before I could answer lmao. Malcolm came home before I left, saw my status on facebook, and tried to cheer me up :) I'll try to stay positive, take pics, and play the "how many black people are there" game just for him :3
So now I'm in the car in the back seat just writing. It's 11:30 and I can't wait to get out of this car haha. I'm sad I'm gonna miss the game tomorrow and saturday, but I think I need a break (though running around visiting colleges is hardly a break). Btw, me and a few other varsity girls are pretty peeved that JV ordered and got their own jackets. Right after I send a message on facebook about ordering jackets too. How could they go behind our backs like that? :( But yea, now when we get jackets they'll specifically be for varsity >:P
Alright, I think I'm all written out. I'm gonna try to read that book for my paper. Though honestly I don't know how I wrote that last sentence cuz I spaced out. I might just fall asleep. Ir make origami... more likely just sleep lmao.
Bye! :D


P.S. I'd like to thank Vicky for staying today. I'm sure she didn't stay for me but it was nice to see her and catch up :) I missed her. ♥ you babe! I want my own D.C. cherry blossom pic please :3
Honey Bee. Star. Victoria.

:3

Hey guys. I'm in the Cave at school ooooooohhhhhhhh :] I haven't been getting much sleep lately, but when do I never get a good 8 hours of sleep at night? Never haha. Of course it could've been avoided if I had done my homework earlier in the weekend but... ehhh. I'm lazy. I gave up on homework on Friday lol. I gotta get caught up because we're gonna start writing our research papers in English soon and I still haven't finished my book =X I've read it before and I know it's really good, but I can't seem to get past the first chapter xD I'm always getting distracted by something else. Or I end up falling asleep. Sigh. This week is gonna be very busy. There's a Red Cross meeting on Wednesday (meaning more paper crane making, whooo!), a boys volleyball game I must go to on Thursday (good thing it's a home game), then Thursday night the rents and I are goin on a ROAD TRIPPPPP. We're goin to RIT's open house on Friday (meaning no school <3). And there's also an accepted student reception at Framingham on Saturday. My mom said that we'd definitely be back by then so we're gonna try to go to that too. Funnnn... Apparently we're not staying in a hotel for Thursday either. We're just gonna drive, go to the open house, and drive back. Yeah. Good luck with that. And Sunday I hope to go shopping with my YMS peoples (and my mom since she said if she's ever gonna let me go on a trip out of state with them she's gonna have to personally meet Johnny, the founder and the other people... I just wonder if she'll think differently when she finds out Johnny's gay...). How I'll find the time to finish the book and write a 5 page essay (rough draft of the research paper), I have no idea. Let's hope everything works out.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

So basically all this afternoon I've been talking to... that stupid boy on Facebook chat and AIM. It started with him apologizing for not peppering with me at practice like he said he would (since he didn't on Saturday). Then we "argued" about who would add who on AIM. I asked him to add me first but he wanted me to add him and I didn't want to because well, I don't wanna be the one making all the "moves" (if you call exchanging instant messaging usernames a move). Yea so in the end he added me and started the convo there (*muahahahaha*). We talked about practice and his playing. Then we started talking about... love? Or girls or something. It went something like this:
"Just wait a bit longer, the right girl will come your way."
"I've been waiting for 17 years! 17 long years."
"You make it sound like a life and death situation. I'm in the same boat as you. Right next to you. Except I'm 18."
"LOL You just need to stop rejecting guys."
"If that's the case, you need to stop rejecting girls!"

And it went on. Then he starting listing what he wants in a girl: Asian, cute, long hair, nice smile, not abusive, young...
He said he doubted any girl out there likes him. Now him saying that to me sounds absurd so I said "You'd be surprised" to which he replied "Surprise me." He didn't believe me that I knew there was a girl who liked him but I kept insisting it. So naturally he wanted to know who. I absolutely won't tell him it's me (at least not yet) so I just said I couldn't say. And now he wants hints. So now I'm stuck trying to prove to him that there is a girl who likes him while not letting him know it's me. Great.

Do you see the mess I've gotten myself into? Today in French class I was bored so I started doodling and my mind wandered to him. And I drew lots of hearts. =x
I told him that since he already has a set dream girl in mind he wouldn't like who the actual person is but he still wants to know. But at the same time its like he got a boost of confidence from this "mystery girl", which is awesome. I ended up calling him (don't ask) and he wouldn't give it a rest. He wants details. I know for a fact that the girl being young and having longish hair is important to him (pedo status, I know, it sorta creeped me out too). So should I tell him what he wants to hear or just slowly give general details about myself? Either way he'll still want to know who it is. I hadn't thought about it before picking up the phone but he asked hard questions like "Is she Asian? What kind of hair does she have? Do I know her? Do we talk? Does she like volleyball? Is she thin or fat?" and I had no idea how to answer so I just kept saying that I couldn't tell him. What do I do? D:
I'm not ready to spill my feelings. Because if I do I'm fairly sure I'll get rejected or I'll lose a friend. (There's only one guy I've told my feelings to and we've still stayed good friends and that's Frank-o-bean. I don't think this kid is mature enough or has the right mindset to handle it.)
I'm thinking that I'll just give him like a hint a day, very broad, general hints. Brown eyes, not short but not long hair either, talks to you, thin... that sort of stuff. Maybe by then he'll lose interest? Or not. I highly doubt he has any idea it's me. He's just hyped up by the fact that someone likes him. And that gives me second thoughts about him. Yes, there's the whole workout thing but I realize that he's seriously desperate to get a girl. That's why he pushes himself so much in the gym. That's like the only thing on his mind. And that's upsetting to me. How can I form a relationship with, much less even like, someone who isn't happy with just themselves? You have to like yourself before you can like anyone else. Or else it'll never work. I don't know.

Do you see all this trouble and worry? This is why I dont like crushes or "liking" someone. All these confusing, conflicting emotions that I can't control and it all just leads to one result: letdown. When I finally do open my heart, it gets shoved back in my face. I hate it. I hate this. And I hate that that stupid boy is doing it to me. He has no idea...

I have an idea. If I just stay away from Asian guys in general would I be able to save my heart from situations like this?

Chupson

He's the cutest, sweetest little grown thing! ^^ I love him to pieces.
Today after practice I took him to Ruggles and treated him to a smoothie at Jamba Juice. I found out yesterday that he was sick and since I couldn't get him cough drops or OJ or tissues or anything I got him a delicious fruit smoothie with an immunity boost hehehe. So much for being frugal... But if it's for him, I don't mind. I don't mind at all :)
We talked and we caught up. And he says that he owes me, but I refuse any sort of repayment. :P
While we were going back to the train station Michele called him. And even though he was nodding off on the bus, really tired, sick, and I'm sure wanted to get home, he told me that he was gonna meet up with her because something happened. When I hear that I just think of how big his heart is and how much he cares for her. (When he first told me that he liked someone I sorta kinda figured it was her. I don't know how, I just knew.) And when I got home I really wanted to send him a facebook message along the lines of:

I was just thinking... I know I can't say anything about her since I don't know her like you do, but I assume that if Michele is Cwong's best friend, she's a good person. I just hope she's worth it, all the stuff you do for her. If she ever breaks your heart...

But I couldn't finish my thoughts. If I actually did send it to him I feel like I'd be crossing some line. I know how he feels about her. And I barely know her so it'd be wrong to start something. But those are my thoughts. I really hope that Michele is worth all Chupson's time and effort. I'm sure she is, but... I just don't want him to get his heart broken. I don't think I could bear it to see him sad.


Chup. My son. He deserves so much more :)
As does Twinn and Vthong. The younger generation. They each have hearts of gold. And I wish them the world.

♥

Looks last a moment, personality lasts a lifetime.

Because think about it, if you love someone for their looks you sure as hell won't love them when they're old and wrinkly. When you love someone for all that they are, you love every little thing about them even when they're old. You may not have looks but you have your brain and your heart.
:]

Stupid Boy

This kid... gets under my skin. As much as I hate it, he does. I think of how he's forever wearing unattractive swishy pants and how he's practically addicted to the gym, but when we're talking I can't help but smile. Malcolm has told me too many times never to get in a bad relationship. And the fact that he's obsessed with his weight and working out are clear signs that something's not right and that it wouldn't work if something did happen but... but... he's so darn sweet. Slightly annoying at times, but just a pure lump of sugar. Mr T was telling me the other day on the train that this kid has extremely low self-esteem. That he's really lonely. That he basically lives alone at home, never getting to see his parents. That he has problems. But who doesn't? I mean I'd like to think that I can help fix his problems. Or at least try...
Then I asked Mr T why he was telling me all this (after I told him that I sorta liked this kid) and he said that he guessed he was a little jealous. Of what? That the kid lives in a two-floor home while T lives in a one-floor one? That the kid doesn't have perfect teeth and T does? That the kid has never had a girlfriend and got his heart crushed causing him to cut while T has had at least 3, his current relationship going well? What's there to be jealous of? Actually I'm getting a little mad thinking about it. T needs a good slap back to reality.
But yeah. I don't know about this kid. There's not much physically attractive about him, but personality speaks to me and his personality is... singing a sweet song in my ear. Yeah, that's a bad analogy lol. Maybe I pity him because of his battered heart? But I found an interest in him before that girl broke his heart. Then again I did know about his girl troubles before I befriended him. Or maybe I just like our flirty banter. Do I like him for the wrong reasons? I think that's what upsets me the most. Because I know when someone likes me I would want them to like me for me. And I wouldn't want to do anything different for anyone else. Sigh, stupid boy.
I hate this feeling, how one person makes me so happy.. and they don't even know it. I hate crushes (I always end up getting crushed). When I fall for someone I want it to be mutual. I don't want to waste my time thinking about some guy who'll never be anything more than a friend to me. That makes sense, right? I'm not crazy for feeling this way? I'm not crazy for shielding my heart and disguising my emotions rather than wearing my heart on my sleeve? (Because rejection just hurts too much.)

Do you see? He has my doubting myself!
Stupid boy.
-_-

Till I Get There -- Lupe Fiaso

I heard this song on Jason Yang's tumblr a while ago. I was obsessed with it the second I heard it lol. For the life of me I couldn't find it... until now. It's pretty awesome, just sayin.

Music makes me happy.
:)

Foxglove -- Murder By Death

This song is strictly amazing. There's just something haunting about the cello in this song that makes my heart leap everytime I hear it. I love it. ♥

I just watched Puff yawn. Cutest thing ever ^^
Sunday mornings are the best.

Scratch that. I miss you already.

Got rejected by Northeastern and BU. Niiiiiice.


Anywho, enjoy New York, Honey Bee! :D
I'll miss you, especially at YMS. I love watching you walk hehehe... ;)


</3

I KNEEEEEEWWW This Was Gonna Happen!

I'm pissed off. This morning I woke up late at 6:30 and now I'm on punishment. Great. You wanna know the reason why I woke up late? Because I went to sleep at 3. You wanna know why I went to sleep at 3? Because I was talking to Vicky. It was around 12:30 when finished doing my hair and was ready to do homework (or most likely k.o. because I was EXHAUSTED). Vicky was getting on my case about me not talking. She wanted to talk so after some... debating I gave in. And she started talking. And she said a lot. A whole lot more than she's said in a long time which is great. I understand how she feels and why she feels that way a bit better but... in the end it was all just her talking which usually I'm okay with but... didn't she start off wanting to hear from me? And either way there's nothing I can do about what she said. I can't change the way she thinks, I realized this a while ago. No matter how many times I say to think about yourself, to not care about what others think, she'd still feel the same way. My tactic is to just keep telling her these things in hopes that sooner or later she'll realize that's what she needs to do, which may feel like a waste of my time now but if it succeeds.. well, I'll succeed. And we'll both be happy. She's right, this has been a reoccurring topic of my blog. Because it matters a lot to me. I mean, no one likes feeling like they aren't succeeding. I hate this feeling but what else can I do? Just listen and be glad that she's opening up to someone I guess.
Anyway. "We" talked until like 1:30 or 2 and somewhere in that time Thomas started talking to me. And he was talking about Michelle and his anger at her and how he can't move on. And we were talking until maybe 2:30 and by the time he said he was going to sleep I couldn't sleep at all. I wasn't tired. In my mind I was just thinking "Shit. I'm not gonna get up tomorrow. I should've just went to sleep when I wanted to." But hey, I can't blame anyone. I'm glad I know what I do now. I'm just upset it couldn't wait until today. So yes, I'm slightly ticked. Because my dad yelled at me this morning "You better fucking come straight home afterschool today. And tonight your laptop and you iPhone better be off at 10." (Or something like that.) I can't go out afterschool, even to my club meetings. I can't play volleyball on Friday nights D:
Well, I'll ask him about that but I doubt he'll let me do it. I wonder what he's gonna say about YMS! NOOOOOO! Sigh. Sure, I'll prob still stay afterschool for a bit since my parents don't come home till like 6, but I won't have time to do much. Two weeks. That's like a century in teenager time lol.

The thing about all this that angers me the most is that I knew I wouldn't be able to get up on time when I first started talking to Vicky. Smh. I should've followed my gut. Oh well.

:[ Alright. I'd better get some homework started. Don't wanna waste the time I have with my laptop. I wonder if this means that after 10 I can use the desktop. Hmmm.....

It sucks how people spend so much time being jealous of each other or being angry that they don't think about just being happy themselves. We're missing out on the whole world guys, why can't we see that?

Maybe YMS will cheer me up like it did last week. I hope it will. I'd hate to be so down after all the fun we had yesterday... *sigh*

Is It Ever Gonna Be Enough?

So I was having a great day today. But when I came home. I don't know. Things sort of took a turn for the worse. Here's a list of some of my frustrations:

• My parents. I know I'm their baby girl and I'll always be that to them, but they have to let me go sooner or later... I worry that I'm always gonna be called back home for curfew or something. It's nice to know they care but I hate feeling like I'm gonna get in trouble everytime they call. I'm eighteen. And what about when I go to college? What if I have to stay at home and commute to school? Gross.
• Right when she started talking to me again I feel like I offended her in some way. But I was just being honest...
• It sucks when you realize that someone knows more about your life than you do about theirs. But I've said it before. "Ask me a question about yourself. I may not know the answer, but I'd still like to say that I know you. I feel you." You've told me enough that I know how you feel. And doesn't that say something? ... Yea. It still doesn't make up for the fact that I feel like crap cuz I don't know your favorite color. :[
• I realized tonight that we talk about the same things. Or we end up talking about the same things. And it sucks cuz for all the things that I've told you every single time, nothing changed. What else can I do but keep trying?
• Some stupid little girl crushed his heart. On his birthday. Instead of lying to him and giving him a pity date why couldn't you just tell him the truth? Why couldn't you just be straightforward? He's crushed and I can't do anything about it. I could tell him to just wait and the right girl will come your way, that he doesn't have to sweat at the gym every single day to feel good enough for girls, but what good would it do? Just like Star it wouldn't make much of a difference cuz he already has his mind set one way. Even if I told him that I'm in the same boat, literally right next to him in the same situation, it wouldn't matter. Why do people think they need a partner to happy?
• Oh yea, and Malcolm ate half my s'mores cupcake. Thanks -_-

Somehow all those things just dampened my night. Even when I tried eating sweets to cheer me up, it didn't work... but I assume that's a result of all that chocolate we (YMS) ate tonight. Speaking of YMS, if we do plan a trip to Florida how could I possibly come up with $850? I don't like planes like AT ALL. And I assume my parents wouldn't like me going half-way across the country for two weeks with friends/people they barely know, but still it sounds fun. It's easy for other people because they get money from their parents whenever they want, but my parents struggle for every dollar they earn. Maybe this is what my sister was talking about when she commented on my poem about money. Money fucks up everything. If I start saving now AND I get a job AND I fundraise, maybe, just maybe I'll get to go. And that'll be like the epitome of my high school career, going out of the state with friends :]
I just gotta think frugal >:|

Shit. Life is hard. And it's completely unfair. But if I've made it this far... it's only a matter of time, right?


:[

I just spent a half hour typing something that won't be posted. What about? Honey Bee.
I was getting all my thoughts and concerns out when I realized I was rambling. What's the use? The same thoughts will be stuck in my head no matter how many times and ways I write it. I hope that she wasn't referring to me in the post on her blog. No, we haven't been talking a lot, but yes, we are still friends. When have we ever talked constantly for more than a week or two? It's just the way we are. Neither one of us is willing to talk about our own lives without some sore of impetus. But I'm waiting for her to talk to me. Because if she stopped, she can start again... right?

Or maybe I need to stop waiting and take matters into my own hands.
I love how this is all about if she was talking about me. It worries me that much.

So I was talking to Mr. T the other day and I decided that I wanted to throw him a surprise birthday party/dinner. I've never had one (with friends) and I've definitely never thrown one before, but I'm gonna try my hardest. To do it though, I'm gonna have to talk to his girlfriend. Great way to get to know each other, right? I hope it turns out okay :\

So it took me maybe 10 minutes or more to figure out what I was gonna write on his wall. I don't want to admit it, but he's... interesting. We barely know each other but he's a sweetie pie. I actually even thought about asking him out. Bad, huh? I know.
Let's see where this goes.

I'm just gonna start bloggin like Star -- in quick note form. I have so much to say but so little time...

I never thought it would happen. My family is being torn apart by money. By paper. And I thought love could conquer all.