So, yes, I'm in the Cave at school again. Things have been... so bad.
But let's talk about Sunday first because that's really when it all started. I woke up around 1 to my dad tugging my pillow telling me to get up. "Let's go. Dinah's gonna talk to you about college." I moaned in response. It took a while for me to get up but once I got downstairs I saw that it was just dad and Dinah at the table. I wanted to make sure Malcolm was there to discuss too so I stalled until he came back from church. Then we sat down in the dining room and talked (my mom was in the kitchen, she came in from time to time). And all my frustrations came out. All my concerns, all my confusion, I laid it out on the table. I told them what I wanted to do and what I liked - or didn't like - about each school (RIT, Framingham, and Amherst). We talked about a bit about what courses I'd be taking and money (though we couldn't really discuss the latter much since I still don't have financial stuff from Framingham or Amherst). Then Dinah proposed a thought that was already lurking in the outskirts of my mind: what if you go there (RIT) and you realize that you don't want to do science, that you don't like the lab? what are you gonna do? would you have any other options?
Honestly, I can't see myself doing anything else. I've had this "dream job" in my mind since maybe sophomore year? I've never given anything else a thought. Having to face reality really scared me. I was already having doubts about me being able to do the work at that school. What if I do poorly in Physics and Chemistry and Calculus? I didn't do well in high school. And do I actually want to get my doctorate? That program is geared toward graduate school...
I heard everything else my dad and my sister and Malcolm were saying, but that one idea shook me. Is this, biomedical science, really what I want to do? I truly felt lost. And that's when I lost it. I covered my face with my hands (because I could never fully and openly do it in front of my family, especially my dad; it shows weakness) and started to cry. Soon my hands were covered with tears so I got up to wipe my face, but I never let any of them see me. It was only until I sat back down with red eyes that they realized I was crying. For the rest of the "meet" I stared down at the table. I can only imagine the look on my dad's face.
Later my mom told me to come along and give my sister a ride to school. We were going to get a prom dress. Dinah had told us about a place in Salem that sells dresses, plus there was another store nearby that I wanted to check out. I looked through the dresses and found this amazing red sequined Jovani dress to try on (it was just my size ^^). My mom and Dinah found a few others that looked nice so I tried them on too. The first one I tried was the one we ended up buying.. The red dress was absolutely stunning. It was form-fitting/mermaid styled and I couldn't really move in it so that was a no go. The other ones were pretty too, but they didn't catch my attention as much. It was still fun trying them on though!
So the dress we ended up getting is satiny and cobalt blue with a v-neck. It has sequined straps that go back sort of like suspenders (with a line down my back) and sequined detailing above my waist. There's a fanned train on the back. When I first tried it on I didn't think it was anything particularly special, but everyone said it looked great. After all the other dresses I ended up liking it a lot, especially the train. My mom was joking about how my dream dress, the one I had a dream about, was a lot like the one I got: blue, long, straps, flow-y, shiny detailing (sequins). Pretty weird, huh?
Afterwards we got lunch at Bertucci's and my mom and I went home. Overall, that dress was the one thing that made my day. That and Bertucci's. ♥
Everything else was crap. Emotional, frustrating crap.