Apologize

If you had a working voicemail I would've left a message that went along the lines of:

Hi ____, I know that you're probably still upset. I don't blame you. But I wish you would pick up so we can talk about it. Or, you don't have to talk to me. I would just like you to hear my apologies and let me explain what I was talking about because it's not what you think. But if I were in your place I probably wouldn't want to talk to me either. Just let me know when or if you're ready to talk again. I'm sorry.

 But you don't so I'll wait.

I could apologize a thousand times and mean it every single time but that wouldn't take away the fact that I betrayed your trust. I hope you can forgive me...

Yea, this is for you. You know who you are.

Tonight was pretty fun :)
Some of my favorite people came to see my show! And I got a bouquet of twizzlers as a gift, how thoughtful! <3

Let Downs

I set my expectations too high I guess...

Right about now I'm just hiding from my problems, hoping that they'll just go away and I can start again with a clean slate - no reprocussions.

Way Too Late

I've dug myself way too far into this hole.
And now I don't know how or if I'm going to get out.

P  r  o  c  r  a  s  t  i  n  a  t  i  o  n... will be the death of my grades.

I wish there was some other way I could show the knowledge I've gained in these classes. Any other way. A dance, a song, a poem, a Powerpoint, a one-on-one talk with the professor. Anything. I just don't want to write these essays.

Please, anything but writing essays... -__________-

ABDC

Brian Puspos

 

Ian Eastwood 

Brian is sexy, Ian is cute (and also my age, might I add).

They're both dancing on ABDC with the Mos Def Crew and I can't help squealing and giggling like a little girl every time I see one of them on the screen. My friends just stare at me like I'm crazy lol.

Too bad they're both taken already. Sighhhhhhh.

Diggy Simmons - Click Clack Away ft. Bruno Mars

Life.

That moment when all your friends have moved on and found more fun people to hang out with and seem like they've got their lives together... and you're still there doing the same old stupid shit trying to hold on to a past that will never happen again.

That moment when you feel incredibly alone.

Finals.

I think it's funny how it's 2:30 in the morning and though I'm ready to tap out, there are still so many people still up doing work. I guess I'm just not as motivated. I love sleep too much lol.

It dawned upon me..

You will never be younger than you are at this very moment so live each moment to its fullest. Smile. Be happy. Forgive. Forget. Have fun. Live.

How Sad

fuuuck-ed:

so my birthday is in 17 days and honestly i don’t care for birthdays. I think they are awkward and pointless, well my birthday at least. I don’t care for parties or gifts or all this attention I get for turning a year older. However, if I could just have one thing this year.. just one thing, it would be to not be fat, depressed, sad, and lonely anymore. Maybe that is too much to ask for but it is really all I want.

 This is just one voice of too many young girls around the world. One of your friends may be feeling this exact same way.

Don't just sit back and watch - talk to your friends and listen. You could save a life.

More Shopping

The only thing more fun than shopping for myself is getting gifts for other people.

:)

Real Love

Being completely honest, I don't know if true love really exists.
I haven't seen any evidence to show me that it's a real thing. I mean, yea, my parents love each other and my grandparents and a couple different aunts and uncles but... I still doubt its existence. I've never felt that way before so how can I be so sure?

Big Bang - Bad Boy

I enjoy Korean music :)

Skewed Logic

Skipping class to finish homework due for that class. It doesn't make any sense... so why do I do it?

I wonder what my life would be like if I just said whatever was on my mind. I'd prob lose a lot of friends...

Weezer - Island In The Sun

Kitten

Lora Zombie.

This reminds me of my friend Rachel :)

Lovers Loch

Amy Sol. Acrylic on Wood Panel. 2011

She Wears the Night

Amy Sol. Graphite & Ink on Cotton. 2010.

La Fable Du Kangourou

I wish I could just hand out these cards haha.

I'm 19 paper cranes away from 1000... and after all this time I still don't know what to wish for.

Hellogoodbye Concert

I never posted pics of when I went to that Hellogoodbye concert! My cellphone's camera has shitty quality, I knowwww! Augustine Rampolla, the hot one with amazing hair, is on the right. He took off his sweater early on in the show. I should've grabbed it offstage when I had the chance lol. ♥

My First Time...

Sooo... We bought some shot glasses in New York (mine's on the left!). And we had some shots tonight haha.
It tasted like shit, no joke. Like cough medicine that burns going down. Maybe it's just cause it was the cheap stuff but it was absolutely disgusting. But it was really funny watching my friends as it hit them. Too funny. A little annoying to a certain point, but it was funny. I'm sorta glad I did it.

Darius

Say hello to my new little buddy Darius! Haha :)

The longest week of my life is over! Thank goodness. I did so many things I don't even know where to begin..

Monday I went to a doctor's appointment, had lunch at Blue Star with my friend Annie, spent the third day in a row with Johnny at his mini cookout ;) And then I realized that I had homework so I stayed up all night....

Tuesday I woke up having only a couple hours of sleep, skipped my only class Expos, and took the train back to school. I got back around 4, had dinner with the girls, and went to bingo on campus (didn't win anything - of course; I hate that game...).

Wednesday I had two early appointments, figured out my schedule with my adviser, helped the Green Team organize Green Fest on campus (I even had my own table making newspaper bracelets!), had another event planting seeds with my RA (not many people went but it was still nice - I got a chance to know her better... and eat some pizza), then had to go to practice for the fashion show for the BSU Culture Show, and finally watched ABDC with my friend Sarah. I realized that Brian Puspos was on a team this season and had like a mini orgasm when I saw his face on the screen... ♥

Thursday my residence hall had a carnival on campus and there was an ice cream truck and an inflatable maze race and a ring toss table and cotton candy and snow cones and a petting zoo and a table for making sand keychains and jewelry... it was sorta cool. The animals were cute though I didn't touch them. I made a cool necklace and something else really special... Then I had practice for the fashion show again at night.

Friday I had rehearsal for the show starting at 3 until showtime at 7. It was a waste of time really. I barely did anything. We didn't start rehearsing for the fashion portion until 20 minutes before showtime -_- During the show everything was really rushed and nobody really had any idea of what they were doing so it was really nerve-wracking, but it turned out to be a success. I had lots of fun! I danced on stage (in the back behind everyone else lol). And afterwards my friends greeted me with a bouquet of newspaper flowers - how adorable!

If you look closely you can see the picture of Augustine from that Hellogoodbye concert I went to last week in the newspaper they used. *Sigh* Augustine's a hottie...

Yesterday I woke up at 5-something (I only got a couple hours of sleep again) and went to New York with my friends Vicki and Sarah. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun! I didn't get to see my friend Khanh but I did a bunch of other things. Actually, the first thing I did when I got there was build a Build-a-Bear. His name is Darius :) I couldn't think of any other names so I named him after another guy who modeled for the Culture Show. He was pretty handsome........ ♥ I found him on Facebook, his last name is Timmons ;) But yea, there was this other boy about my age (and my height!) who was also making one for the first time. He was blonde, had glasses and was wearing a winter hat... whatever, he was cute! ;)
In total I spent over $100 in New York. I'm such an idiot -_- I think it was all worth it though. I made a Build-a-Bear, something that used to be on my bucket list (not anymore, but I've still wanted to do it and I did so that's an accomplishment), I visited Central Park, something that I never got to do the first time I went to NY, and I bought my favorite book Speak, and I also got a bunch of souvenirs for Star. I can't wait for her to sleep overrrr! :D

Summary of my trip to New York haha..

That night was supposed to be the after party for the Culture Show. We got back to school at like 10 so I went to the room and changed quickly into a cute outfit, I think so at least. My roomie's sister was staying over for the night. I went to the party alone and it really wasn't too fun. None of my friends wanted to go! If I had a group of girls with me I def would've had no problem dancing the night away but I didn't. I had no one to hide my insecurities behind :( I was a waller for most of the night. I "danced" with one guy but that was it. There was this one really hot guy at the party though. I don't know his name, though I've see him around campus before. He might even live in my residence hall... He's tall, buff, blonde, with a pinkish sort of face. He was hawt! Darius (the person, not the bear) also showed up late. Too bad I was way too shy to just start dancing with either of them lol. That would've been interesting... But yea, I saw Darius leaving so I sort of followed him into the lobby (I guess so that I could make sure he saw me before I left?) and then went back to the room to sleep.

This morning I woke up early at like 10. I noticed that the flowers I planted are sprouting! They're so cute!! Anyway, I took a much needed shower, then went to breakfast with the ladies. I met my roomie's parents as they were picking up her sister. I registered for classes and got all the classes I wanted surprisingly. (I just hope I can get placed into that Chem class I need to take, otherwise I'll be really behind and probably won't graduate in 2015!)

Aren't they so cool? It's cool seeing them grow before my eyes. Oh... and I got a cactus from Green Fest too :)

My bracelet... bad quality, I know. 

That was my busy busy week. Somewhere along there I finished making my bracelet and it looks great, I must say haha. I think that NY trip and shopping therapy was exactly what I needed. I feel so much better today. Almost stress free. Then again I haven't done any actual work. I sort of just took a break. But finals are coming up and I need to work on those papers that are due. Wish me luck! This week is gonna be all about work. Not event-related work, but schoolwork... scary shit right there...

Family Guy

"That happened... and we let it happen."

Crushes are the fucking WORST.

Crushes are the fucking WORST. It's just wanting something you can never have -_- sighhhhh

Why must all the hot guys be taken?!

Forever single&alone...

Rollercoaster

Today is turning out to be another horrible day. What the fuckkkkkkk. I went to see my adviser and now I have all this shit because of my classes. I should just drop out. Maybe I wasn't made for college...

:(

I love my friends :)
Only they would be able to help me forget what a horrible start to my day I had.
I really hope Star can sleep over next weekendddd! <3<3<3

Horrible Day

Roslindale library = the worst library on Earth

The bitch librarian wouldn't give me my books because I've had something out for too long. Seriously? I need those to write my research paper! She wouldn't even take my fucking money! Some people... I might just kill someone today...

I'm... done!

c:

Now if only I could get a few hours shut-eye... sigh.

The Inevitable

Death.

It happened to cross my mind just now.

I realize that I've yet to lose someone close and dear to me.

I'm lucky in that sense, but it's bound to happen sooner or later.
I'm just not ready for it. Thinking of someone like Malcolm or Star passing away... I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.

Freak Out!

Yet again I fucked myself over...

I procrastinated and now I have to revise one paper and rewrite another for Expos. And they're due at 8 AM. Brilliant, right?

I'm already dog-tired from getting barely any sleep this weekend and now I have to do another all-nighter to finish. (It really was a bad idea to stay up all night Saturday... And by all night I mean all night. I stayed up until around 7 AM -the sun rose before I finally fell asleep!)

I didn't get to go to the beach today and when I went to my doctor's appointment they didn't do diddly - I'm still itching like crazy! D:
I have all this shit to figure out for classes this summer. And I have to figure out how I'm gonna get back to school tomorrow. I'm gonna skip my only class, Expos, because I need to pick up books from my neighborhood library to use to research for the paper I'm writing for class. And all we're doing in class is research anyway. Sigh... my life. I also recently realized that a 68 is not a C+ but a D+. I'm just barely passing that class. So sad. I used to be so proficient in high school. And look at me now. Just making the cut for my classes. What's wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I have like no motivation? (All the same troublesome questions just keep coming up again.)

So now I'm sitting here eating ice cream, trying to calm myself down. I need to pull myself together if I'm ever gonna get this done. I'm writing out a list of all the stuff I need to do. And hopefully I get them done. I don't know about that though. There are so many things I'm supposed to be doing; this week is going to be the busiest of my entire school year. Wish me luck... o_o

Is there any way to reverse your thoughts about someone once you've deemed them annoying and/or aggravating? I mean, my friend is a nice person and all but now every time I see her I can't stop the feelings of disgust rising in me.

Maybe it's just me holding a grudge, but I don't feel comfortable around her anymore. She said that I'm always complaining. Which I guess is sort of true. I'm not gonna lie. I criticize a lot, that's what I do (what my whole family does actually). But I've been this way since the first time I met her!

It's like I can't trust her anymore. I don't know what she really thinks about me. Which really sucks because we were really good friends. I would even say she was one of my closest friends at school.

Not anymore.

I'm going to see if spending time with her and the rest of my friends this weekend will help smooth things over. But if not, then that's it. The year is almost over... I don't have to see her around much longer. It was nice knowing her haha.

Ping Pong Playa

Chops - I like Cereal
Haha... This was like, my favorite part of the entire movie.

Staying up all night downloading music and watching videos... just because I can.
>:)

my life. lol.

Smoking

I just don't see the appeal in inhaling smoke. All that shit just filling up your lungs? Gross. Why mess up an already healthy body?

But why does everybody else do it? To "mellow out"? To fit in? I have a feeling my roommate is going to do it just to bond with the other members of the Hilltop Players (FSU Drama Club) - to have something in common with them.

But that's not me. I don't think fitting in is worth my well being.

I don't think I'd mind dying without ever smoking pot.

Concert

That moment when you're the only black person at a concert..........


YAY! :D
lmao. my life.

Pressure

I hate not being able to get things done right when I need them to be. Like that email I sent to the Fashion Club about YMS advertisements. I sent that out over a week ago and there's still no response! And now I got a bunch of shit to figure out for Chemistry classes over the summer and I just want to get it all done now but the fucking professor only has like 3 office hours a week and tomorrow is not my lucky day... Fuckkkkkkkk!
I'm like breaking out all over my face and I'm trying to schedule an appointment for this weekend ut I have to wait until tomorrow. I have this fucking lab report to finish and like a thousand things to do for Anthro and researching for Expos. I hate this.

I'm overwhelmed.

Recap

I never got to fully tell the story of my nightmare.
Do you know that white kid from Glee who's in this relationship thing with Mercedes? I think his name's Sam? Well anyway I had a guy friend that looked almost like him in my dream.
My family, Malcolm, Dinah, my Dad, and Mom were at the Stop and Shop behind my house getting last minute groceries for a party that we were late getting to. My friend Samwhateverhisname went inside to get stuff with my Mom. They were taking forever. And Dinah was getting more upset with each passing minute. Finally my Mom comes out with Samwhatshisname following slowly behind. They load up the car and we got on our way. It was my Mom behind the driver's seat, Samwhatshisname in the middle, me behind the passenger, Malcolm crammed way back in the rear, Dinah in the passenger seat, and my dad driving - but he was driving way too slow (to my sister's standards). Dinah kept complaining so they switched seats and she started driving. She was speeding and like a mad man and I said some smart-ass comment about us still being late even with her driving crazy. She was screaming at me to shut up but I didn't. I kept pushing her buttons and so she swerved to a stop by the side of the road. She pulled out a silver gun and pointed it in my face. "Keep talking, see what's gonna happen." So I threw out a taunt like I always do, "You wouldn't dare."
And she shot me seven times. Twice in/around my head and five times in my chest.
I swear I could feel the bullets in my sleep. It took a while for me to black out completely. I held on to Samwhatshisname's hand and as I died I wasn't able to squeeze it anymore. I just... died. In the car. With my family watching.
It was so tragic that I started crying in my sleep. And I woke up with tears rolling down my face.
How crazy is that?

Well there's that. And then later I was diagnosed with scabies. Fun, right? No. I'm really hoping that $50+ cream they prescribed me works and stops my itching. It's ridiculously overpriced.

In other news, my roommate finally had sex with her boyfriend of 3-and-some-change years. Congrats to her! While writing and reflecting in my journal a while ago, I figured out why I get so uncomfortable when my friends bring up the topic of sex. And it's not the reason you'd think. I'm not jealous. I just feel... inexperienced around them. Like they're a part of something that's completely unknown to me. And I feel like an outsider sometimes..

But... yea. I'm done spilling my thoughts for the night.

I should come up with topics to write about each night... I shall make that list now (rather than studying for my test tomorrow, sigh).

Bad Day

Bad day just getting worse every minute -_-

Nightmare

I woke up crying this morning... again.
I had a nightmare. It felt real, it was terrifying.

My sister shot me point blank. Seven times.

What does that say about our relationship now?


What a great start to my day...

I wish my life was at least a little bit interesting haha. It's nice to speak on the phone once in a while rather than just listening.

Disney's Anastasia

I forgot how much I loved this movie :)

A Poem by Medhia

Someone I can talk to
Someone I can trust.
Someone who will be there
When my relationships rust.

Someone who will save me,
When everything goes wrong.
Someone who will comfort me
And help me to be strong.

Someone who listens
At any time of day.
Someone who will brighten
Any sky that’s gray.

Someone who will always
Want to be my friend.
Someone who will fight for me,
Until the bitter end.

Someone who will cry with me
Whenever I am sad.
Someone who will laugh with me
Whenever I am glad.

Someone who will understand
My every weird emotion.
Someone who will always be
At my side with their devotion.

Someone who will always think
Of me before themselves.
Someone who will care for me
And put their own worries onto shelves.

Someone who will always let
Me act like the true me.
Someone who will always be
Just like I want to be

Someone who will always remain
Incredibly beautiful and true-
Someone who is my best friend.
Someone just like you.

Song of the Day

Pretty Girl Rock. I wore my new purple dress today and I loved all the attention. I felt amazing. Good day. :)

Counting My Cranes

:)