I wish I could be here instead.

In a place filled with sunshine. In a place where I can smile and mean it because I'm enjoying myself.

Somewhere I wouldn't feel so shitty and alone.

And no, not shitty because I regret my actions, but shitty because I never got a chance. You, yes YOU, Victoria, dumped all that shit on my in the course of a week. You told me (hopefully) everything you didn't like about me. Do you want to know why I said "fuck it"? Because I've been that way since the day you met me. I'm quiet, you should know that. I don't talk much, I thought you would've gotten used to it. But maybe it was just your paranoia that drove you to think everything's my fault. Also, because I'm quiet I tend to bottle things up and rant when I can't take it anymore. You're "tired of me ranting"? The fuck? Then say something. Don't just shit on me when you're cross the country where we can't properly talk about it to fix it. And the reason I said "fuck you"? Well, I know for a fact I didn't single-handedly break our friendship. That's just bullshit. How did it get to be so broken in the first place? It wasn't just me, that's for sure. You never admitted to your problems, but hey, maybe you just wanted to run away from them like you're used to.

In a way I feel like you planned this. You wanted to go away, cut ties, and come back to have your "fresh start". Well, I hope you got what you wanted.

I mean, I've always been stubborn - so are you! It's not having a "one-routed mind", call it what it is. And I am an open person. I just hold grudges. I guard myself from getting hurt. That shit when you tried to set me up with your friend? I wasn't judging him. But it really doesn't matter what I say now, does it? Because you won't believe me. It's like you refuse to. Sounds pretty "one-routed" to me... What kind of shit is that? You never gave me a chance.

And all that trust crap? "I can forgive, but I can't forget." Just be honest. You never forgave me in the first place. And that's a shame too, because I know I did what I did for a good reason. My heart was in the right place. I said what I said because I care about you. And no, you don't know the full story, hun.

You never will.

I really want to hate you, I really do. But I can't bring myself to do it. I hurt you, I know. I betrayed your trust. And I figure you already think I'm a bad friend or that I was a fake friend from the start, but you're wrong. I'm a great friend and not only I, but lots of people know it. You probably hate me, but you don't know the half of it. And that's the saddest part.

I'm left with all the gifts you gave me over the years. I don't know whether to box them up or just keep them around until I stop feeling bad emotions when I think about the past. I know all your gifts from me are easy to box away. But there's one more coming. You just wait.

I'll not be forgotten yet...

~*~

Someone also said that maybe now everything (or everything from your side) is out, we can work to repair our friendship to be stronger than before.

...I'm not sure I want that. I mean I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to who understands my life and what I'm going through, someone I can go to anytime for anything, but if that happens it's going to take a lot of work because what we had is shattered, not broken. It won't be easy. And considering you said that I wasn't your friend the moment I betrayed your trust, I assume you won't even try to fix it, in which case I may as well continue with my life without you, right?

Sigh, all those years and gifts and time spent together gone to shit. It's so sad.

But it feels good to finally get that all out. Oh hey, look. I'm ranting again...