I Can't Breath!

So today I woke up at noon lol. But that's only because last night I went to bed at like 3. I was watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. It was okay, but afterwards I realized that it was pretty much like every other teen romance movie (except with grownups). So cliche! Yeah so I woke up and had a bagel and went online. I was asking fiancée if she was still sore because I wanted to pass with her at the Y. Unfortunately, that ended in her getting mad at me. Oh well. She's so freaking emotional! Sometimes it's a wonder how we get along. Ninja figured it out today though and it sort of makes sense...
Anywho. I went to BCNC and saw Twinn at practice n_n
And Tingtong was there which I wasn't expecting. Yeaaaaaa so Ninja and I passed a bit and like none of my serves went over, but that's okay. At four people were goin their separate ways. I was in the mood for a smoothie AND I was just a tad bit upset (for a reason that I can't even explain right now) so I walked all he way to Borders for a CremeKula. Let this be a reminder not to get orange mango flavor ever again. Bleck. I got back to BCNC at like 4:40 and no one was in the gym. So I left even though I saw Tingtong on my way out (I was a tad bit annoyed...again). I got home, watched some tv, then went over to my cousin's house for a gang game night. We never really played games, but we had lots of laughs thanks to Rachel. Then I came home and watched Precious online. It is a really sad movie, but I didn't cry like I thought I would. The plot is just really shocking, that's all.
Oh! Haha. I was just about to end the blog, but I forgot to reference it to the title. So on my way to Borders and back I realized that there were A LOT of smokers in Boston. Jeez. Every other step I took I was breathing in smoke, smh. I'll never pollute the air or others' lungs like that. I treat my body like a pyramid (sounds cheesy, but it's true). I refuse to ruin it with alcohol or Mary Jane or any other drug. It's stupid and useless!
Other things... I was thinking a lot about fiancé today. This always happens. There has only been one guy in my life to tell me he seriously liked me (I've written about it before). I haven't had any boyfriends in my time, not even close so when I realize that a guy likes me or that they are flirting with me, I tend to doubt. Myself, them, everything. I try to figure out their hidden motives because surely they couldn't like me like that. So pretty much I've been overthinking everything and doubting myself (which isn't helping my self-esteem) and trying to figure out if it really was flirting or even if it was real! Lol. Ugh. Guys. They eff with my brain!!! But in the end of the day I still can't help butwant to talk to fiancé or just be with him. Weird how once I think a guy likes me, I'm attracted to him. It's even worse this time because I already used to have a crush on him. Damn I got it bad lol.
So I'm not really tired (eventhough it's like 4 in the morning--how am I gonna get all my homework sone tomorrow?) and I got guys on the brain. I think I'm gonna write a poem. Because, like I said, the only poems I know how to write about are love and heartbreak...
Anywho, nighty night losers :) <3

What Just Happened?

So today was very interesting. I'm not gonna say much about school except that we had a meeting about choosing our electives for next year. Being a BZ I only get 2 choices. I know I want to take Biology 2 (definitely not AP Biology, I've heard bad things). It'll prepare me for my dream job, a researcher in medicine. But then Mr. Maguire also convinced me that taking another year of Latin would also be great for my transcipt. And then I want to take another year of French. But then again I'm still debating on whether or not I should take Art. I mean, I love art, but freshman year when I took it Mr. Moy was a creep and a pain and he made me hate art. I don't know if I want to deal with that all over again, especially in such a stressful year such as senior year. Do I really wanna take an extra class just so I can stress myself out more? Oh yeah. I just remembered. At the end of the year, Mr. Moy made us fill out these year evaluation forms. And on mine I wrote that he made me hate art. I tried to leave right after giving it to him, but he held me up, read it, and asked me if it was true... AWKWARD!!!! Oh well, I'll make a decision sooner or later...
So. Afterschool I went to the volleyball game (both teams won! whoooo!) :D And I passed for a bit when I first got there. That was fun. Then I went to Crown Fried Chicken with fiancée. And we got back just as the varsity game was first starting. I sat down on the top bleacher and fiancé sat next to me. And though I was starving when I first got to the gym, I wasn't that hungry anymore so I didn't mind sharing any of my food. First he said randomly that it would be weird (I forget the word he used, I thought it was awkward but it wasn't) if he were to marry me, like for real. Lol and I thought it was just so odd that that thought came to his mind right after he sat down next to me. Odd but cute :)
Then he started feeding me fries. And our legs were touching and he was nudging me with his knee. And a couple times he put his hand on my leg. And he came to stand by me and he sorta lay his head on my chest for a moment. It was all very... interesting. He's NEVER acted like this before with me. It's strange, but again, cute (if that's the right word I'm thinking of). When i got home I had the hugest urge to facemail him and ask him wat was up. What made him act so differently, but them again I'm not sure if I want to or should bring it up. Hmmmmm.... Decisions decisions.
I mean I had a crush on him, I admitted it. And I do still have feelings for him, yes. But I know that we weren't meant to be. What's the use in participating in all this flirting if nothing happens as a result? I don't want to fall for him all over again just to get crushed when I find out that all of this was for nothing or that he never really felt the same way about me. I just don't want to go through that pain again. I don't know what's going to happen... I just hope I don't lose our great relationship :) *blush*
Blog you later. JIFLY<3

Run. Jump. Explore. Discover. Laugh. Howl. Grow. Love to live and live to love.

It Had To Be You

I don't want to deal with it anymore!
Just rip my heart out.
I don't want to be jealous,
I don't want to cry,
I don't want to keep liking you.
Take away these feelings and let me live in peace.
It was never meant to be
so why won't my thoughts cease?
Because my heart and my head fight a constant battle.
One minute Mind is in control
and I'm able to thinking logically, clearly,
with no distractions.
Then the next Heart comes attacking strong,
crushing me with unwanted thoughts.
My brain will never stop fighting
and in some recess I remember the reality of it all,
how I fall for you, but you keep going,
how I'm stuck here not able to move on.
My heart and my brain fight against each other,
but they work together to bring me down.
Under the weight of these constant thoughts
I am pushed closer to the edge.
I start to hate myself
for not being the girl you want
and for not walking away when I first realized I wasn't.
It's irrational, but these feelings are true.
Somehow it just had to be you.
You've been through this before, you know the pain,
So spare a bruised soul and take my burden away.
Help me stop liking you.

Rollercoaster Ride

I'm gonna try to keep this short because I just feel like there's so much to talk about... and I don't have the patience to sit here and type everything up lol.

Okay. So this past week has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Stupid moody teenage years haha. There are two main issues right now.
1) Sleep. Since the weekend, I haven't been getting good sleep. Like, my sleep schedule is COMPLETELY EFFED UP! I stayed up late Sunday night trying to finish homework. And I did the same Monday night. And then Tuesday I came hoem and just fell asleep. My mom didn't wake me up until 10:30. You;d think my parents would wake me up right when they got home... smh. Then last night I seriously tried to finish all my hw... but it ended up with me waking up at 11 AM still in my bed -_-
When I called my mom she said that she woke up at 8, saw me sleeping and said "Aren't you going to school?" Yeah. Like that's supposed to wake me up. Now when my dad gets home I'm going to have to tell him what happened and I'm going to get in BIG trouble. The only thing he told me yesterday was "Make sure you get up on time and go to school". I couldn't even do that. He might not let me go to volleyball anymore D:
I hope my sleeping schedule gets fixed soon. I'm tired of staying up all night and sneaking around and waking up late and asking for rides to school and being really tired in school and most of all, getting in trouble...
2) Guys. My goodness. My emotions have been all over the place. Because Malcolm moved on Sunday (and because I barely got any work done), I wanted to take the day off on Monday, but my Dad said no because "It's better to not have done work, but still learn a lesson in class than to skip school and miss everything completely". I guess it's true, but still, I was pissed off. And it really showed in school. I was in a horrible mood. And in my anger I ignored my fiance. So all that week I felt bad because of that. I thought he was mad at me, but it turns out it was all just one big miscommunication. He didn't even realize I was ignoring him. So I was feeling crappy because of that.
But more recently, halfway through practice yesterday I started getting upset. I think it started with ____. She's one of the prettiest girls in my grade. She stopped by to talk to ____ and the longer she stayed the worse I felt. It's a long explanation I don't want to go into, but basically, I used to be confident about myself. I used to love myself fully or at least like most of my features, but now I can't help but hate myself for not being the girl that my crushes like(d). And I hate how I know they don't feel the same way about me, but I still like them anyway. I just want to let all my feelings for them go. It really bothered me one night so I wrote a poem about it on Facebook. I think I'll post it here so you can better understand how I feel.

That's it. Those are the big two.
Other updates... Term four started last Monday. And it didn't start too good for me. Like I've said before, I don't think I'm doing well academically. Though I was shocked when I saw all A's and B's (except for chemistry... of course) on my report card, I'm not pleased with my actual performance in and out of class. But I think I'll stop talking about school for a bit. Though it is a major part if my life right now, what I say about it won't change until I change and form better time management skills. And I'm working on that now so I'll let you know what happens...

What else? Well, since the last poem I posted, I've thought of a few great ideas for poems. And I can't wait to sit down and actually form them. It takes time and thought, just like when I'm drawing a picture. Speaking of, I really want to get back into art. There are so many things I'm interested in, I just don't have the time to do them anymore or I'm too lazy to work on them or I procrastinate on doing the work. Sad sad sad smh.

Boy's practice. Goofy talks to me more. Welllll... not really talking. More like just making funny comments back and forth. More like yesterday when he shook his but for me and Tingtong lol. Good enough for me I guess. Maybe? I still miss talking to him as a friend, but I think it's too late for that. I'm a little mad I couldn't see him in study today.
Oh! They had their first game today. I hope they did well. I'm gonna text Tingtong about it later.

I think that's it... alright bye! loL

Just Visiting

So yesterday after school I went to visit my grandparents with my cousin Stephanie because earlier in the week my mom was talking to me in the car about how my grandpa (Papa Joe) apparently cries all the time now because "his grandkids don't visit him." So when I got to school yesterday (I got a ride from Dora's mom with Sushi) I waited until Stephanie got there and told her that she was going with me after school, no questions about it lol. Then I went to buy my friend a giant Reeses peanut butter cup. And I gave it to him along with some cookies I made for his birthday.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
School was okay.
I had to go to a meeting about the volleyball clothes we're gonna get. Then I passed through the gym to wish all the guys good luck at tryouts. Fast forward to when we got to my grandparents' home. I was sort of hoping that she would have food because I hadn't eaten breakfast and I only ate a pretzel for lunch. But she said that she had been sick so she couldn't make and anything. So we munched on some crackers and drunk ginger ale. Yummm. After like 10 minutes, it got boring so Stephanie and I played the box game. Then Grandpa came home! He's so cute! His shiny eyes rimmed with those thicks glasses... awww! Grandma told me that he was so happy :')
Then it got quiet again as my grandparents watched TV. And later on Stephanie's dad stopped by randomly and she left. Soon after I knocked out lol. It was hot and I was tired and bored. I woke up to my uncle, my other cousin, and my mom walking through the door. And I jetted outta there. It was soooo boring! lol But still, it's nice to know that I made my grandpa happy. I think I'll stop by more often, like once every two weeks? :) <3
I got home and got Tap Tap Revenge 3!!!! Whooooo! I played that for like 2 hours haha. Then I started writing a new poem. And I saw my Twinn's status... and her new blog. I hope everything is okay :\
I really wanted to go to BCNC today, but I have no money to go there :(
I wanted to see my Twinn! Maybe some other time... I have homework to do anyway. And I'll start that soon... right after one more game of Tap Tap! lol.
Latersss <3

Sand Hearts

The rays shower soft warm kisses on my skin,
but they're nothing compared to your kisses.
When your lips find mine, a fire burns inside.
Simultaneously, a cool calm washes over me
every single time
because I know that you're mine.
This. Us. We.
Together.
Finally.
On this sunny day we ventured to the beach.
I splashed you and you lifted me on your shoulders.
The war begins.
Yet in your arms
I feel like I've already surrendered.
My heart is yours
but your heart is mine.
A truce for the times.
We signed the treaty with
loving hugs OOOOO
and kisses XXXXX.
I drew half a heart in the sand
and you completed it.
Then you ran away
carrying me on your back.
We frolic and play and laugh and love.
I clasp your hand and you whisper "Forever."
But nature knows all.
Overtime, the waves and the wind
will sweep that heart away.
They will wipe away our footsteps
clearing the clues that we were ever here.
It's destined, but not discernible to us.
We and our bright young love.
Nature knows all.
The sand hearts will vanish
so really, how long is forever?

Rainday

So today I got on the bus after getting stuff from Stop and Shop to make my friend cookies. And close to my bus stop I heard these girls behind me talking. One asked, "Is that Lexie?" (aka Sushi, a friend who lives near me) And the other was like, "No, I saw her. It's just some chick." Now, my music may have been a little loud and I may not have heard everything they said, but I know I heard something along the lines of that. And I thought, "Some chick? SOME CHICK?!"
You know those times when you think of doing something completely out of line or character? Well this was one of those times. Right before getting off the bus I thought about telling them, "One, I'm a friend of Lexie and two, I'm not just some chick. My name is Christina." *cue exit*
Hahah. That would've been funny. I either would've gotten a fist in the face or they would've just thought I was crazy hahaha.

When I got home, I thought about people again. There are so many people in the world, but in our lifetimes, we only get to meet a few of them. We act like strangers to one another (hence, "some chick") when really, we're all inhabitants of the same world. We're all humans. We all have a link to each other in one way or another. I don't know. Just a thought.
Well, you know that one of my goals in life is to be remembered long after I'm dead. And I figure that the more people I meet and impact, the better chance I have at attaining that goal, right? :D
So from here on, whenever I get the chance to do something new and meet new people, I'll do it (if it's in my best interest, of course). I want to see the world, meet tons of people! I want to get so much more out of this life. I want I want I want... but what do I need?

Ohhh. Food for thought lol. Laterrsss loves :) <3

It's Been A While.

Yay! I wrote a poem today. It's my first in like... forever! I was leaving school with fiance. And when we got outside I realized that it was raining. Then I don't know. On the ride home I got these... feelings so I wrote a poem! lol
Here it goes. Sorry in advance for its emo-ness! I think poems about heartbreak and disaster are the only ones I know how to write, unfortunately... O_O
Ummm... and yea. I didn't think of a title so for now it's untitled.


The water that falls down
doesn't come from the rain.
It's not from the cloudy skies above.
The drops that darken my clothes come from within.
Deep down this is how you make me feel.
Helpless.
So I let the salty tears
slide down my face.
And then gravity pulls them down to hug my shirt.
And finally their embrace leaves numerous stains
that will never be seen
by you or anyone else.
For as though the stains feel for me,
as though they sympathize,
they vanish almost instantly
clearing evidence of what has been
of what was felt.
The skies feel my pain too.
Today the clouds finally found the courage
to come in close
open their arms
and sweep me into their squeeze.
And in the embrace they started weeping also.
The raindrops you may feel are in fact the tears of the universe.
Together we cry
for all the unsaid words and thoughts
built up over time.
And it grows all the more useless.
There is no confusion.
Just bundles of love with nowhere to go
and the constant drip of water.


Any thoughts or comments?
It's def not as awesome as Twinn's last poem (the one in the notebook--LOVE IT!), but after writing that, I no longer feel so... pent up. So yay for me! C:

Fuppin...

Soooo... If you're in my AP English class and you got an email from our teacher about the rough drafts and how there are five people who didn't turn them in, you guessed it! I'm one of those five people. Great. I really shouldn't have taken that class. I draw. I take pictures. I dontwrite... well I can, but I'm not an amazing writer. I've realized this and I accept it. If only I knew this in the beginning of the year. It would have saved me a WHOLE lot of trouble and worry. Sighhh. I don't know what I'm gona do about that class. I just hope I can pass the exam and not waste all that money that my parents paid in the beginning of the year to take it.
Actually, I've already accepted my defeat in that class... and chemistry somewhat. What im really worried about is my dad and what he'll say. Because bad grades is absolutely NOT acceptable to him (and my mom too of course). Damn. I'm already under punishment for a month. What's gonna happen when I show him my report card? You guys won't see me for a lonnnnnngggggtime, that's what -_-

Hmmmm. So I made this deal with my fiancé. He tells me how he's feeling and I tell him how I'm feeling... like thoughts haha. And I had the strongest urge to tell him something but I didn't know what or how so I spent a while just teyna sort my thoughts... And get over them. Haha. My thoughts are so jumbled up... about guys. Everything else is fine but when it comes to guys... THEY EFF UP MY MIND!!! haha

Love is essential in this world, vital to humans, then why is it so destructive? Haha. If chocolate is so tastey, why does it make you fat? Oh wow. I need sleep or something.

Bolgging from my phone again. Sorry if some words are misspelled.

JIFLYYYYY!! (you know who you are)
<3

Fuppin iPhone Loveee!!!

I love this iPhone! It's so cool! Right now I'm currently blogging from it because I don't wanna turn on my laptop haha. And just before this I sent an email to my brother. So cooooolllll... I just really hope I don't drop it or lose it. I can't wait to get my sim card in it and get some games.... Lalala :)
Anywho. Today I was so tired! I spent all yesterday doing homework and trying to finish both my essay outline and the rough draft, but the longer I stayed up the less work I got done. I had to find articles and I kept nodding off infront of the computer. Not to mention I coildve gotten in trouble with my dad for being on my laptop past 9... In total I probably got 3 hours of sleep. Great. Luckily I'm usually able to keep myself awake in school so I only nodded off in like 2 classes. Still not good, but I tried. I actually have to go finish up that English stuff. I'm currently starting 4th term off with an F. Isn't that great?! >_<"
But practice was fun today. Serving and all that jazz. I'm really gonna miss all the seniors ;_; Theyre so much fun! It sucks, but we all gotta grow up and move on. I just hope they don't forget about me and come back to visit haha. Oh btw Goofy wasn't at practice today. I wonder what happened to him... I really hate how we don't talk, but time will tell if that truly is our fate, not to be friends at all. Maybe it's for the best. I should move on but everytime I see him I get those same feelings. I have no idea where they came from in the first place because he's not my type but oh well. It happens lol.
Ummmm. What else? I had to walk home from Mattapan Station today -_- I was crossing the street when I saw that the bus was already at the bus stop. But oh well. The weather was really nice today and a 15 minute walk can be nothing but good for me. Then I came home and stuffed my face with leftover brownies lmao!!!
While walking I saw a lot of glass and trash on the ground :( It made me think about the world and people and all that stuff again. It's nice to get a chance to think every once in a while but when I do that I usually start thinking about how crappy the world is... and that's when I start to think positively so I guess it's good but I dont wanna think about the world that way in the first place. It's inevitable though. So instead I started thinking that I'm going to try poetry again (I tried it before but i made them rhyme and I got stuck and never finished them). I can write out my thoughts. And yes, they may sound a bit emo but it'll sort out my thoughts. So in the future posts be prepared to read some crappy poetry. Whoo! Lol :D

Yea. I think that's it for today. I'm going to try to blog more often so that I won't get that writers block that I had a few days ago. Oh but another thing. Fiancée and I didn't talk like at a today :( I'm gonna try and fix it this week. I don't wanna lose a great friendship again... not again.

Love is all we need... <3

Lately.

Lately the truth has been shown to me. And the truth hurts.
Lately, I haven't been doing well in school (I'm mostly concerned with my AP English class here).
Lately I haven't been doing the work.
Lately I've been feeling like a failure, like there's too much for me to do.
And Friday afternoon fiancee and I were passing out in the courtyard of our school during practice. And she asked me what was happening with English. Why haven't I been doing the work? What's going on with me? Pretty much all the things that my brother and I were talking about the night before except with her I felt like even more of a failure. With Malcolm, he said it was okay because it's a rigorous course. Next time I know not to take an AP class. Just try my best. It's never too late to try. But with fiancee, she was bombarding me with questions that I half knew the answer to, but I didn't want to say the answers to because I would've felt incompetent, like I was a disappointment to her (not like I don't already feel like I'm disappointing my parents). I was about to cry. Partially because of the wind, but mainly because I knew I could be doing better. I still can.
Then she said that I changed. She asked me where that optimistic Christina went. And that hit me hard. Like my mom used to say that to me, and it sorta hurt. But it hurt a whole lot more when my best friend Blakey said it, in the same phone call that broke us up. And it hurt a third time when my fiancee said it. It builds up overtime.
I don't feel like I've changed. I don't want to either because I feel like I'd lose all the great relationships I have now... just like with Blakey. And already fiancee and I haven't been talking much or hanging out anymore. She said because I hang out with Ninja and Twinn. And I don't know what to think. I'm still stuck on the whole "you've changed" thing.

After that, practice sucked for me. I kept walking through the halls of the school thinking. And I went back in the gym only to sit on the top bleachers and walk out again near tears. I held it together though. I helped Thomas again. I passed him volleyballs for his drill. Then right before I left I practiced hitting with ____. Her sets are awesome. I just feel bad that she has to give up hitting to be setter since she's like the only good one... She's a good hitter too :\

Then I went home and received an iPhone (heck yeaaaaaa!). I was playin around with all the cool stuff on it when Blakey aimed me. We talked for a bit and it really hit me how I know nothing about her now. If anything, she's the one who changed, not me. She has a new boyfriend (surprise!). "His name is Darius. His favorite color is purple and his favorite number is 5." Sadly, that's all I know about him.
I think the reason I think she changed so much is because when we were together, I changed her. She's lived through some extremely rough times and with me, I made her see the better parts of life. I don't know. Now she talks about horrible things. And I realize that that was the way things always were, I just never saw it. But the things she says... it's as if I never knew her at all ;_;
So much for best friends forever. I should stop using those words. That's the second time I've ruined a wonderful relationship.

Yes, so the truth and realizing that really got me down. Friday was a roller coaster day...
Today was alright. I went on errands with Malcolm. And I got stuff for my iPhone. So now he can get my shuffle since his iPod got stolen a while ago :\
I just hope I don't lose this iPhone O_O

So yes, I may have changed academically. I think I've lost my motivation. I've lost my purpose in school. I have a dream and I want to achieve it. Maybe I need to remind myself just how much I want it. Or why I want it. I gotta get it together. This is junior year, the most important of all! Grrrrr! Get it back, girl! Get it together! Get... it... together. Keep it together. You can do it ;_;
I watched one of my favorite movies today, Spirited Away. The last time I watched it, it made me cry. And I cried a bit watching it today too. She leaves all her friends in the end... that always gets me. I don't know what I'd do if I the relationships with my friends. I'd wither into a lifeless thing, I guess.

Sighhh. Just because we don't talk anymore doesn't mean I don't care about you... This hurts me more than you'll ever know.

Tomorrow is my chance to start things right (academically). If I want it bad enough, I'll get it... I hope.

Tidbits

Just a few written thoughts...

"Nothing can last forever;
Though the sun shines gold
It must plunge into the sea.
The moon has also disappeared
Which but now so brightly gleamed."
-- Graffito from Pompeii

I've failed again. Rain drops, guide me through this horrible day. Drown out my insanity and soothe my soul with your pitter-patter...

Astronomy; I strive to find the sparkling stars that lead me to your soul. I to know you. I want you to know me too.

Volleyball. What can I say? It's where I have the best time of my life with my friends doing what I love and also where I find myself near tears wishing to go home... hmmmm :\

The truth hurts... I just want this rollercoaster day to end. Get me off this ride!

And last but not least, the amazingly beautiful poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Lovely, isn't it?
:)

Ketchup

It's been about 2 weeks since the last time I blogged. Time to catch up.

Things have been pretty ehh, I don't know how to say it. But that was only yesterday so let me start from way back when... last week! Haha. Jeez. It feels weird sitting down and saying what I feel again. Last time I did it was last weekend when I wrote a note for Malcolm on Facebook. It was about his leaving. It took a while to get everything out, but it left me feeling accomplished and a little more at ease with the whole topic.

Anywho. So yes, Malcolm is leaving for Texas. I don't want to start talking about it again because I could go on forever. Just read my Facebook note. Malcolm means a lot to me and it's hard watching him go so far away, but at the same time I think it's best for the both of us. We both need a change. We both need to grow up.
Count down 14 days until he leaves. I'd better make the best of the little time left we have together... ;_;

So Goofy. The first Tuesday after vacation I was walking up the stairs to the cafeteria when Tuan asked me to buy some candy to help fund raise for boy's volleyball haha. And Goofy was looking at me shaking the bag of candy, but I cut the convo short with a quick explanation of why I wasn't gonna buy any (and tried really hard not to look at Goofy). In our Thursday study, the seats were messed up and someone sat where I usually sit next to him so I had to sit a few seats over. And my friend Sushi needed help with chemistry so I tried to focus on helping her. It was hard. All the while I kept glancing over at him. And I was soooo close to texting him, but I stopped myself from doing it. Throughout the entire study out of the corner of my eye I say him look back at me once. And before the end of class, I asked him when the meeting for boy's volleyball was. That's it. So obviously I'm not over over him. I don't know when I will be either. What I do know is that horrible feeling I get whenever I see him (btw, I don't even see him around ____ anymore, but I'm sure if I did, I'd hurt even more). That day at the volleyball meeting, I stayed after school to get Algebra help from Mr. Cao who just happens to be the coach of both vball teams (I admit that I probably also stayed to see which guys were trying out). I was sitting at the table in the back of the room trying to go algebra, but the room got loud (especially with ____ arguing with her sister right next to me) so I left. And it was when I got up with my stuff when I realized that Goofy had been standing next to me.... but I still didn't look at him. I just left the room and went home. I can't look at him anymore. It already hurts seeing him and knowing that I can never have him, but it hurts even more knowing that he doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't know when we'll happen to go out to eat with the same group of friends, but even then, I doubt I'll get a chance to talk to him. I see him at practice, but that's it. He passed me a ball but that's it. Maybe one day he'll actually talk to me again. Maybe one day he'll aim me or text me. I hope so. I always will until the day I finally get over him... Stupid crushes.
But anyways, enough about him. I don't want him to be the only thing I write about in my blogs.

So I got retainers a while ago. They suck. I used to be able to eat in like every class (haha fatty), but now every time I eat I have to take them out. It's so annoying. And the extra spit gets tiring -_-
Oh well. That's the price of having straight teeth and not buck teeth like I used to have. Except after they took off the braces I realized that I had little white marks on my teeth. So I searched it on Google and realized that I have fluoridis or something like that. It's not gonna go away. Apparently the dentist can give me fillings, but that's pretty much it. Even certain whitening processes won't make them go away. Great. Oh well. I'll learn to live with it.

Hmm. What else did I write down? Well, I think it was last Thursday, but I saw my friend Tingtong cry. And it hurt a lot seeing her so hurt. It sucks. It made me realize that the world is a cruel place. There are so many things that can bring you down, so many things that can go wrong, and your emotions don't really help with that either... but in the end of the day, you should be happy (I really gotta start taking my own advice). Yes, the world is shitty, but just thing about what you can do to make it better. Or think about all the people that support you. Get a joy from helping others. We're dealt a bunch of crap, but we're expected to rise above it and dish out a bunch of love. It's hard sometimes, but it makes life worthwhile. Love is what makes the world go round. If we lost that, we'd all surely perish. I mean, is it really worth it? Killing yourself? You just haven't seen the better parts of life yet. Things get better. Because with every down, there's sure to be an upside. I truly believe that, it's just that sometimes my emotions get in the way and make it harder for me to be so optimistic :)

Ummm... hey! My boobs got bigger! lol! Just wanted to throw that in there. n_n
Oh! Last Friday was amazing! Afterschool I went to Porter with Ninja, Twinn, and both my fiance(e)s. I had so much fun :D After eating, fiance took us to this cupcake place in Harvard Square. Maybe the chocolate frosting shots were better than the vanilla ones because I didn't care for it that much. It was a mouthful of sugar and I thought I was gonna die lol jk. But the cupcake was pretty good. After a few seconds in my mouth, there was a burst of chocolatey flavor. Yummmm... :9
Then Ninja and Twinn had to go so it was me and my fiances. Fiance took us to get some mochi balls and it was pretty good. Then we visited Newbury Comics. Funnnn! I'm def gonna wander there again.
The only problem was that at one point I was holding on to my fiance, like we were linking arms. And fiancee was walking behind us. I sort of knew what I was doing when I did it, but then again I wasn't thinking about fiancee and how she was feeling :( I've always said that I would never make anyone of my friends feel like the third wheel (which I shouldn't worry about because fiance and I aren't going out), but I just feel like fiancee felt sort of excluded, which I never meant to happen. I'm sorryyy D:
And I realize that I've been saying that a lot to her lately... sighhh. After a while, the words "I'm sorry" lose their meaning.

And I was watching ABCFamily last weekend. There was this movie on about this little girl growing up. And she was only like 10 or something when her best friend died. It was so sad! I realized that I'm very lucky. Sheesh... if my life was like those on ABCFamily, I think I'd shoot myself lol. Too much drama. The real world is bad, but most people's lives aren't like that. Those are the people that are lucky, who should cherish each and every day and all that they have. Look past all the drama and think about the things that really matter... :)

Oh yea! That friday I looked at my horoscope and it said "The secret to attaining admirers is to appreciate the attributes in others." Ehhhh... I thought I did admire the attributes in others. Horoscope confuse me. I read about my sign, Aquarius, and it sums up my personality almost perfectly, but horoscopes get me all wrong. They're never right. I guess you can't predict the future. It's meant to be vast and unknown. There's a reason why we don't know. I'm just wondering what it is...

So Tuesday I took the 32 bus home and there was this dude. Hot. Taller than me. Light-skinned. Wore thick framed nerdy-yet-cool glasses. He had a bright red bag on. He dressed nicely. And best of all, he had a camera around his neck. Like a professional camera. I just think it would be so HOT to date/marry a photographer. Idk, maybe it's just me haha. Yea. Just wanted to throw that out there.

And Wednesday I helped Thomas in practice with the guys. That was fun :)

And that's pretty much all I have to sum up that past two weeks. Nothing too exciting happened. I just learned a little bit more about myself and the world, but I'll talk more about that in the upcoming posts because I'm not done! I have plenty more to say, trust me.


Je les aime. Je ne peux pas vivre sans eux. Mes amis...