Buddhism

It might be time for me to start exploring Buddhism.

I've been interested in it ever since middle school when I first learned about it.
And there's something about the idea of meditating that makes me believe it could be what I need to lead a peaceful life.



I wonder though... what would my family think?

I never even got to tell you that I'm getting a new roommate.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing most of the work in this relationship...

I understand that you're having a tough time but I can only say so much before I end up repeating myself again or not knowing what to say or overall just getting frustrated. When you said that you'd need me, what did you mean? How am I supposed to support you? What do I do? Does it even make a difference when I say the same things over and over and over and over and you still end up feeling the same way?

Yes, you were there when I was at my low, but that's not the only time that's important. Just like how I'm there for you, you should be there for me too.

Also, about New York.. Traveling is one of the best ways to bring people closer together, I think. What's better than getting lost in the Big Apple with my best friend? Right now, not much. I hope you join me.

Journey

Sunday night, upon returning to school, I began to reflect on my life.

Being completely honest, I haven't really been the best student. Last week especially I skipped a lot of classes and barely did any work. I stayed up really late and couldn't wake up for my classes. It was bad. So come Sunday night I started thinking that I had no purpose - in school, that is. I felt unmotivated. I questioned why I was here at FSU taking these classes that I don't even care about. I was very... lost. And I concluded that I was having a quarter-life crisis. (I would've said a fifth-life crisis but that didn't sound right haha.)
Of course I knew I was in school for a reason - to get a degree to get a good job. I sure as heck wasn't going to drop out, but I felt that I had no goal in school. I used to want to be a Biomedical researcher, but after taking the required classes (for a Biology degree) and really thinking about it, I didn't know if I wanted to do that anymore. I had no idea what I was going to do and I felt miserable.

So I reached out to my family - more specifically, my favorite aunt. She was the one who reminded me before that family is always there so I called her Monday night. Let me just say that there's a good reason why she's my favorite aunt lol. She gave me the best pep talk.
She pointed out that a very few number of people actually go to college knowing what they want to do and follow through with it. It's natural to feel this way. Especially for someone like me who likes having a plan, it's okay to feel a little lost. But then she told me something that I won't forget: sometimes you have to lose yourself to find out who you really are.
She reminded me that I'm young and I'm in college; I should be having fun! I'll figure out what I want to do sooner or later but for now I should be trying new things. I should be taking fun classes that interest me. I should be partying. I should be traveling, studying abroad, going out with friends! (She even went as far to say that I should be drinking and maybe even trying pot, though I don't know about that lmao.) She said that I can be too responsible, which is true in a way. The things I do... I realize that I do them because I think I'm expected to do them because it's right or good. I should be doing things because I want to.

She also advised me not to go home for Spring Break. She said that going home and going to work is the responsible thing to do, but I have the rest of my life to work so I should have some fun while I still can. Also, she warned that if I keep going home I won't leave (in a broader sense) because though my parents are great people, they're suffocating.

So what I took away from that entire conversation was that I may be a little lost now, but if I keep doing the things I love, I'll find myself eventually. I should apply myself more during the week so I can have fun on the weekends haha. I should only go home once a month (which is weird because today I was talking to my Expos professor and she said the same thing...) - though even then might be too much. And finally, I'm not going home for Spring Break. I'm going to try something new and spend time with my friends and stay with them (aka bum around their houses lol). I also want to try to go to NY too, but we'll see about that..
This should be interesting :)

I've accepted that I'm a bit lost, but that's just given me a new drive to find myself. And I intend to enjoy my time on this journey.

My motto: "Fuck it. I'm young, I'm going to have fun!"

Bad Dream

Have you ever woken up with a headache because in your dream you were rushing? Yea, in my dream I was about to miss the bus going to the airport for a school trip to France. I was running and I had to pack up all my stuff and when I woke up my head was pounding :(


Funny thing too. P was going to France too...
He's still in my dreams, damn it!

Drive

The movie honestly wasn't that great. It took forever for the plot to pick up. I had no idea who Ryan Gosling was - seriously, I have no idea what the name of the main character was. By the time the movie ended I was so confused. Why was he driving? How did he get into driving? Who were his parents? Where did he come from? Why is he so shy/quiet? What's up with that scorpion jacket? Why the obsession with toothpicks? It made no sense. One thing I do know is that the coolest part of the movie was about an hour and a half in. I wasn't really paying attention and I was about ready to turn off the TV when all of a sudden someone got shot in the head and Ryan was all bloody in the face from killing two other bad guys lol. If there was anything good about that movie, it was that motel scene (which I've provided below just to save everyone else 3 hours of their time lol). The soundtrack however is pretty freaking awesome lol. The songs were all electronic and smooth and pretty much the main reason why I watched it for so long haha. Overall, I would not recommend this movie. I would however recommend checking out the soundtrack album. That's some pretty good stuff :)

I don't like you.

I see you more and more. And I don't like you more and more.
I don't like your stupid long hair. I don't like your dark clothes. I don't like your walk with those white headphones stuck in your ears. I don't like how you arrogantly walk around oblivious to the world around you. I don't like how you never responded to my Valentine, which I stayed up practically all night trying to finish. I don't like how my heart beats whenever I see you. Or how I look away, making sure never to make eye contact with you. I don't like how I wasted my time and effort making that stupid card. I don't like how it took me all of 15 minutes to control my nervous shaking and muster up the courage to walk over and say something to you. I don't like how a minute into our conversation you pretended like I wasn't even there. I don't like seeing your waves of a mane twisted into a ponytail in the front row of our Bio lecture.

I don't like seeing you around.
I don't like how you don't notice me.
I don't like how I wasted pages upon pages on you in my journal.. and on my blog.
I don't like how you act like I'm nothing.

I don't like you.

Robyn - Get Myself Together

A little birdie told me...

I really admire Robyn.
She inspires me. Her songs, the lyrics, her style. She's one of a kind.

I need a break.

I think I need a break from this world. A break from all this bullshit and heartbreak and prejudice and pain. Take me away to somewhere I can be happy, to somewhere I can find myself.

Take me to space, show me the stars.
Lead me to another country, another continent.

I don't want to deal with this anymore. I desperately want to just walk or run away but in the end there's nowhere to go.

I stay up late and pull all-nighters like two or three times a week... What is wrong with me?

:(

Vanessa Carlton - White Houses

If you really knew me...

Lucky

I am so lucky.

To have a caring, nurturing family.
To have a loving best friend who understands me.
To have a bunch of wonderful friends who give a damn.
To not have experienced the pain of being heartbroken (yet).
To not have experienced the pain of having someone close to me pass away.

I'm grateful. So sincerely grateful.

Paper Route - Carousel

Letting go..

Given such a special, beautiful thing as a vibrant bouquet of flowers, you can say that you want them to last forever and that you'll love them forever, but that's never the case. Sooner or later those flowers will wither and die due to lack or water or nutrients or pressure of heat. Sooner or later they won't be so pretty anymore and you must let them go. It may hurt to throw them away. You may still find beauty in its wrinkled petals and try to save them forever, but in the end it's better off laying them away. Just the fact that someone cared enough to give you that beautiful bouquet should be enough. At some point you just can't care for the flowers anymore.

Love me when I'm old

Love me when I'm old and even uglier than now. Be the one to take off my pants in a fitting room when I can't do it myself. <3

Two all-nighters in one week? FUCKKKKKKK. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I'm gonna drop dead before this week is over...

Courage

It's funny how something you plan to do can go so smoothly hundreds of times in your head but when the time comes to actually do it you're scare shitless. That's how I feel about talking to P. Just thinking about it makes my heart race.

I'm Home!

And after dancing to Kompa with my parents, and drinking some traditional Haitian soup, my brother, sister, and Dad gave me a little pep talk about my "interest" haha.
They said that I should just go for it and talk to him.

So when I go back to school I'm gonna do it. The next time I see him (preferably sitting alone) I'm going to muster up some courage and sit and talk to him.
I mean, the worst that can happen is that I get rejected. Which will hurt, definitely, but not as much as not knowing what could be... or even seeing him be with another girl.'There are so many possibilities. We could become friends. Or after talking to him I could realize that he's a "loser" (as Malcolm says), or that he's not really my type.

With so many options and after so many years of watching those I have an interest for pass me by, I have to at least give it a try.

P.C., watch out. I'm coming for you. ♥


Btw, I've been listening to "Better Life" on repeat... The lyrics speak to me.

I Saw Him Again... C:

And when I got back to my dorm You Don't Know My Name by Alicia Keys started playing on my iTunes. Don't you love it when a song matches your mood perfectly? :)

Paper Route - Better Life

Paper Route

I love their music. Many a time have their lyrics given voice to my feelings and helped me through some of my roughest days.

P. C. ♥

I can't get him off my mind. I see him in the dining hall a lot. We've even made eye contact a couple times. But he's probably never thought twice about me. He has absolutely no idea how badly I'm crushing on him.

I don't know what grade he's in or what his major is or where he's from.
The only thing I know is his name.

And he still doesn't know mine.

I've found a new love: making friendship bracelets.

Too bad the number of bracelets I make will never mend the ones I've broken.

"According to tradition, you tie a bracelet onto the wrist of a friend who may wish for something at that moment. The bracelet should be worn until it is totally worn-out and falls off by itself, at which moment the wish is supposed to come true."

Do you think if we both wish hard enough when I tie it on that our wish will come true?

I Won't Stand For Ignorance.

Symbolism or Not?

I just realized that the head of Tashanna, Domo's yellow weasel friend, broke off the cell phone charm I have of her and Domo. What's odd is that Vicky gave that charm to me. She even put it in for me! And I specifically remember asking - more like suggesting that she was the Tashanna and I was Domo. Now what does that say about our friendship and what's happening now?

Symbolism?

Hopefully not.

N*gger

How about people don't use the N-word for the sake of Black History Month? It'll only bring us closer to the goal of eliminating the word from our vocabulary! Have you really forgotten the origin of the word?

Titanic

Just because it's in 3D doesn't mean it's new. There's no creativity anymore, nothing new. That's how I know the world is going to end...

Hahah, no jk.

There's just no support anymore.

There's just no support anymore. I can't turn to you for anything.