Wednesday, October 3, 2012

And thus the seed has been planted... -_-

On the subject of my male RA:

For some reason I spend a lot of time in the lounge of my floor in my residence hall (we don't have study lounges because they have students live in them because our school took in too many students and, well, our school is stupid). And for some reason the male RA on my floor always walks by and either joins me and starts a conversation or just starts talking to me. And I've gotten used to it. I'd like to say that I've greatly improved my small talk skills just from those encounters with him. Though, I have to be honest, I almost never get any work done sitting there because he comes by and we always end up having stupid conversations.
But anyway, tonight my friend Diem was sitting with me in the lounge. It had been a fairly good day. I woke up three hours early (for unexplained reasons - maybe my internal clock is going through daylight savings time or something), dressed up in a cute outfit, went to breakfast by myself and ate well, went to classes, took a short nap, went to work, got compliments on my hair and nails, met some funny co-workers, walked back to campus talking on the phone to my Dad, met a guy who lives on my floor - he's pretty cool, and talked to him and Korpe Diem about careers and changing majors. As expected, the RA of subject (let's call him Jay) came by a couple times (this time only because he was doing "rounds" through the building doing bathroom checks) though he did say he was going to join us later. And of course, none of us in the lounge got any work done lol.
Around midnight it had trickled down to just me and Diem. We happened to be talking about Jay and, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, he appeared! He had come upstairs in the elevator LOL. So we made some small talk but eventually he left to go to sleep. Once he was out of sight, Diem turned to me and said "you guys would be cute together."

....and thus the seed had been planted.

I told her it would never happen (height and whatnot), but she said that Jay and I both do this thing where we're "chill one minute then all wooo! the next" and that our personalities go well together.

Now, if you know me you'd know that I'd never been in any sort of romantic relationship with a guy before. Never been on a date, never been kissed, all that jazz. I'm a virgin in all aspects of my love life.
When someone says something like "he likes you!" or "ooooh, he's checking you out" or "you 'd look cute together" to me, I get... weird. I either get awkward and start avoiding the guy because I'm not attracted to him OR... I start to grow feelings for him because, well, like attracts like. Since I've met him, I've always felt odd around Jay. Before, I thought it was just because I felt that whenever I talked to him he'd always be secretly flirting with me. Now I'm starting to think that maybe it's because all along I was secretly attracted to him, I just didn't want to get too close because I know it'd never happen. But... is that how I've conditioned myself to think? When I like someone, hide my feelings and force myself to think it'll never happen (because of height or unreciprocated feelings) so that I don't get hurt? What kind of life is that? Not a good one. That is the reason why I will be forever alone.

As for this specific situation, I won't do anything about Jay. It wouldn't work out between us (there I go again...) and RA's aren't supposed to be in relationships with residents anyway. Besides, he probably doesn't even like me like that. I'll just continue to have stupid conversations with him... and check out his huge muscles when he's not looking... ;) I'll try not to act awkward around him and just nip my feelings in the bud (hopefully). He's a senior so he won't be here very long anyway.

Sigh. Oh, Christina. Why? Just... why? -_______-

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