Friday, June 8, 2012

When you write and contemplate long enough, you find answers you never knew you knew.

Images of Media distort my expectations of life.

Expectations of my body, my relationships, my family; those "big" moments like my sweet sixteen, prom, graduation, high school, college. Media messes with everything.
I'm horrifically skewed compared to society's image. I tower over others at the abnormal female height of six feet. My curly, kinky hair likes to rebel against me daily. Shopping for shoes is not particularly fun. My nose is hideously large. The list goes on and on and on...
My family communicates by yelling at each other. We don't have tender heart-to-heart moments. We piss each other off and eat dinner in our separate rooms. I'm 19 and have yet to have a boyfriend, Let alone go on a date or have my lip virginity taken. My sweet sixteen was spent mostly with family. It instead showed me just how few friends I had. Graduation fizzled in awkwardness after I said goodbye to those few important friends and went home. My first year of college was not spent in a haze of booze and drugs and partying and wild dancing. It was more spent in awkward talks between acquaintances. And trying to figure out how to get my shit together (failing unsuccessfully).

But the one thing that Media truly fucked up was my image of the all-important best friend.

What exactly is a best friend?

Media portrays it to a be the one person who understands you, who will be there for you in your times of need. They are often seen as the person you spent all your childhood with. They just so happen to live a few houses away from you. You see them every single day and converse with them even more frequently. You share your experiences, secrets, fears, hopes, and dreams with them. Your family knows them and accepts them as if they were part of the family. They're that person with whom your bond transcends blood (unless, I guess, your best friend is your twin). You grow together with them. And after number of sleep overs and fights, there comes a certain point when you don't even have to say anything to them to be understood. Just a look will do. A point when your conversations are about stupid, pointless stuff because you feel comfortable around them. Because you trust them with everything that's important to you, including the many random thoughts. You trust and value their opinion. You admire them in a way. That's a best friend in Media's eyes.

And that is why it's marred for me.
I should know not to look to sitcom shows and movies for any ideas about real life, but over years of collected television time the impression of a best friend stuck with me. Sure, some of those things are true (or should be), but not every "best-friendship" is the same.
I'm not really sure how mine works. There are definitely some things that I wish I could change about it. Then I realize that my expectations are way out there. In the end I guess it should be about comfort and trust. And it should go both ways. No part about the relationship should be one-sided.

This gets me thinking about the past and present - and the future too. Essentially doubts and insecurities spawn these thoughts. Because communication has ceased. Actually, now that I think about it, this is pretty much exactly what happened with Blake. Communication stopped, we grew apart, then finally we broke.

Everything connects. One thing happens because of something else. One event creates fear in another similar one. It all makes sense.

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