Monday, February 15, 2010

Untitled: Reflections, Part II

We need more of it in the world... or do we?
I was going to write about my Twinn and how I want to be more like her, selfless. But now that I think about it, I don't. When I think of the word selfless, I think of giving yourself up to others, all of yourself (not sexually! lol). You always lay your heart on the line when you do things for others. And in a utopia, that would be fine, but this is the real world we're living in. In the real world, people hurt and abuse others. In the real world, people have trust issues. In the real world, people are paranoid. When a person does a selfless act, others might think that there are hidden motives behind it. And sometimes there will be.
But with Twinn, her kindness comes from her heart. It's practically linked directly to it. And she tries to do good and make others smile, but every once in a while someone comes along and breaks her heart. And she hurts and she cries. And when she hurts, I hurt. I even cried today. Funny how one person can make me bawl my eyes out, but a movie like The Notebook can only get me misty eyed haha.
So that's why I don't think being selfless is very useful anymore. Instead, I'll try being more caring. I don't think the world's ready for selfless people yet. For now, I think being caring is good enough. Care for others with all your heart, with good intentions, but care for yourself also. Because when you get hurt, other people hurt. Maybe that'll stop the cycle...

Yeah, so that's what I'm changing my New Years resolution to. I forget what it was before, but now I'm changing it to "be more caring."
I think I'm doing a good job. Being friends with people like Ninja and Twinn, it definitely rubs off lol. Ninja told me earlier that both he and Twinn find me selfless. I don't see why. I'm nothing compared to them. Ninja, he helps people whenever he can. Whether it's helping them out with Chemistry or practicing volleyball with them, he adds more to his workload for others. And I truly admire him for that. Not so much for him being busy all the time, but for helping others any way he can. Not only has he helped me understand classwork a few times, but he went out of his way to get Youtube videos to make sure I got it. He does so much...
I will repay him somehow one of these days. I just constantly try to keep him in my mind. Watching, hoping that I'll be able to help him out in some way, big or small. He's a good person, a great person! He just needs to be reminded sometimes haha :)
And Twinn. She's the most selfless person I know. Which in fact, is quite refreshing in the modern day world. I really admire her. She inspires me to become a better person (and Ninja too). I've been reading her blogs. And she cares way too much. Yes, it's wonderful to do things out of your heart for others, but like I said, she gets hurt. She thinks she hurts other people and she beats herself up about it. Twinn, there's nothing wrong with you! It's other people. It's the world lol. I feel like I should hide you away from the world, but we all need to grow up sooner or later. You have to face the world. You need to learn on your own that some things are worth worrying about and others aren't. Like me! lol. I know you said that I'm your first priority. But you should know that my mood swings are short. Like that app on Facebook, My Personality. I took a test and they said, "Based on your responses, you come across as someone who is rarely bothered by things, and when they do get you down the feeling does not persist for very long." So there's no need to worry about me! The whole point of me making a blog was to express my feelings. To rant and vent when I needed to. But now that I have three of my friends following my blog, I guess I should filter what I say because it worries people haha. Just know that if I'm sad or confused, it won't last long!
I love my Twinn so much... (JIFLY!!!!!!! no amount of exclamation points can show how much I love you lol) It hurts me to know she's hurting. And that goes both ways haha. There's that twin mentality. It's a wonder how so much love can be packed into such a little girl. It just goes to show you that there are wonderful things to be found in this world. I'm so lucky to have met her. She means so much to me, you've got no idea.

So where was I? Oh right. Being more caring. I'm going to put my whole heart in things I do. Which I sort of already do... but I'm starting it again with more fervor lol. It links to one of my goals in life too. I want to brighten someone's day each and every day. I'm sure being more caring would brighten more than one person's day :) Who knows?
I always want to help. And to me, the simplest way of helping someone is by making them smile. I try to put a smile on all my friends faces. And I sort of accomplished my goal with Vtang. She's said that I really helped her get over... I don't see how or why, but it's nice to know. She's happier now :)
But she was right. I shouldn't have read the rest of her blog. I realize that my friends and I use these blogs like journals and diaries. We put all our emotions and thoughts out there for everyone to see. And we hurt each other. The truth hurts. And I want to tell Vtang the truth, but I'd rather not hurt her. She's already happy. Apparently I'm the cause of that. So I don't want to be the end of it either. But then again. If it's not only hurting me, if it's affecting others too, should I say something? No. I won't. I can't. One person's already been hurt. No point in hurting another. I've explained to the other affected person, the best I can. In the end, Ninja's right. We shouldn't be reading each others' minds. We were never meant to.
But sometimes we have to get hurt to learn...
I will say one thing though. Vtang, you're definitely not unlikeable! You contradicted yourself lol. If "multiple guys have confessed that they like you and asked you out or had your friends hint to you that they liked you and asked you out," that proves that guys do like you like that! ;)

Last but not least, fiancee. She definitely means a lot to me. I don't know how it happened, how we came to be friends, but we are... and she's hurting. And like I said, it hurts me to know a friend is hurting. Out of everyone, it's with her I try my hardest. I try to cheer her up, to help her get through it all. But again, like I said, I feel like I'm not making a difference. I hope I am. She said that she's sort of afraid that when she does feel like healing, I'll already be gone. I'm not going anywhere. Though I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. Look what happened with me and my bestie...
But I'm here now with new restored faith. And I truly believe that if I want something bad enough, I'll get it. I will help you through you're depression and you will love yourself if it's the last thing I do. (You too Twinn!!) I care about you, that's why I helped you do your turnitin rather than doing mine. You deserve a whole lot more than what you get. Because I know deep down inside what's waiting to come out, what kind of person you can be. You just need help getting there. That's what I'm here for.

So let's get things straight. Just to sum it up, we all need two things: to care for others (and act on it), and to love ourselves -- girls especially. Girls (you know who you are), you need to love yourselves. Because when you love yourselves, you can build confidence, when you have confidence, you can do anything. Believe in yourselves, you can make a difference (you've definitely already made a difference in my life).
I mean, you say that people should love others for all of who they are, the good and the bad, but what about yourself? Yes, it's easy to find faults in yourself, but make sure you can find good things too! Like, yes, I hate my big nose and my big feet and my big hands and my OCD and my controlfreak-ness, but I love my lips and my height (sometimes) and my heart, for loving and caring so much. My heart, it's going out to all my friends. But especially the followers of my blog. You guys should know... I'm here. I care. I love you.
Now love yourselves :)

1 comment:

  1. I tried putting the pieces together since you wouldn't tell me..and I think I have an idea of what you're talking about...
    I'm speechless. >.< I didn't mean to hurt anyone..I'll watch what I say/write.