Saturday, February 6, 2010

Overview, Part II

Today, Saturday. Yesterday night I went to bed at 9. I woke up at 9. 12 hours of glorified sleep, mmmmmmm...
I ate cereal, then watched videos. Degrassi was sooooo cute! And Modern Family was HI-larioussss! Then I worked on "the farm" (that took a lot longer than expected). I had a plan to blog, then do homework, then leisure read, but that's not what happened at all. Come 2 pm, my brother Malcolm told me he was boooorrrreeedddd. And that he wanted to do something. We ended up bowling lol. I had a pretty good time. But right at the end, I got upset again. Maybe it was because I didn't get the toy I wanted from the arcade or maybe it was thinking about couples... but I was not happy at all going back home.

Right now, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I played some music. But I realize that listening to music can soothe my soul, but it will never heal my heart.
Maybe it's just February and the fact that V-Day is coming up soon, but my generally happy mood has been deteriorating nearly everyday now. I'm even fighting more with my parents O_O
I had an AIM convo with fiancee a while ago and she asked me "how are you? with ____ and Goofy, I mean". And I had no idea what she was talking about. I mean, they're not going out... though I have seen them together...
But anyway! We had a semi-argument about what I'm doing (cherishing the moments I have with Goofy, etc.) and pretty much ever since then, I've been falling apart. Ever so slowly, piece by piece, I'm breaking down. In the convo, it sounded like she wanted me to breakdown. Seriously. So I'm blaming all this on her. Yes, I would've gotten hurt either way, but I still would've been behind a mask of an acceptance of things. Right now, the mask is torn of and I can't pretend that I'm okay with everything anymore.
I'm not okay with seeing ____ and Goofy hang around together. And I'm not okay with seeing her around anymore. Yes, she's a nice person, but I can't stand it knowing that she stole his heart without even doing anything. And I'm not okay with ____ constantly reminding me about the horrible breakup between her and ____. I'm not okay with her telling me half-delusional/jealously-driven stories about ____ and ____. Like, YES! I see it too! I hang out with them all the time! Don't you think it hurts me too? I understand. I heard both of you guys' stories. I get it. You hurt each other and without even knowing it, you're hurting me too. I'm not okay with any of it! My god! Is that what you wanted fiancee? For me to finally break down?! To see me cry while writing this? I don't get it? Does it give you pleasure? Or were you really just concerned about me? I still don't see how forcing me to break is gonna help my situation. It'll be a lonnnngggg time before I get over Goofy. And probably even longer before I get over that other complicated love triangle.

Sighhh; So I don't know what else to say... But I have a few thoughts I wrote down in statuses from the past couple of weeks...
"____, I hear what you're saying, but my feelings won't change. I think I have to get my heart broken in order to learn."
"I can think of 100 songs to explain how I feel about you, but none of them will ever mean a thing if you don't hear the words from my mouth."
"When February come around, the PDA level shoots through the roof! Gross. I dread the 14th every year."
"Things are a lot easier said than done. I can't turn away now, no matter how much it hurts."
"Value life because one, there are people a lot less fortunate than you and two, people are amazing and have the ability to do incredible things. Keep black history month in mind."
"I should be happy for the both of them... but I'm not. Everytime someone brings it up, I break a little more."

Ugh. I feel like Tingtong. She recently... ummm, broke down? Because of Dimples and his... interest. But she's happy or happier now. I'm not. I wonder if I'll ever be. I sort of blame my problem on hanging out with asians too mush, haha. I laugh, but I'm serious. The more I hang out with them, the more I get into their drama. The more I find guys I like, who I'll never be with (mainly because of height :P ). But yea. Ugh. So many problems. So much heart break. I try to just smile, like Goofy says, but I know now that it really isn't that simple...

Smiling is hard when you're heart is broken.

Oh. And I'm debating on whether I should still confess to Goofy or not. I mean, his heart belongs to another girl, what I say won't affect that. But it could affect our relationship. I don't want him to avoid me because of that. I still want to be his friend. I still want to hang out with him like we did before... Should I continue with it? Because I had this plan for V-Day, but I really don't want it to effect what we have... or what's left of it... not that we ever had anything.

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