Nearly Nova: April 2011

Thursday, April 28, 2011

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling for you I have no control over."

It's his status. I know he's not talking about me, but I love the quote anyway... :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Poem

Plain was the same as it ever was the same.
Plainly plain…
Samely same…
But then…someone lit the flame.
Plain rode away on lion’s mane.
Where plain met fruits with strangely names.
Such wonderful things they did contain.
A shot of life to a hungry vein.
The captive beast who broke the chain.
And there upon that fruited plane,
is where plain became what plain became.
So much more than more than plain.
Plain will never be the same.

Brilliant, right? It's simple and beautiful and fun and sweet all rolled into one tongue twister of a poem. It's a commercial for yogurt I saw on youtube :)

What happened?
This vacation.. I don't know. Everything was going well at first but then something snapped and now when I talk to you it's not the same. I have too many doubts and I'm worried about what's going to happen.
I know too many kids have said this too many times, but I'm not ready to go back to school yet. This time I can honestly say that there are people I just don't want to run into.
Maybe it's time for me to keep my head in the books and not socialize for a bit. Finals are right around the corner...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Always...

Wanting something I can never have.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Stars

I met her in sophomore year. We bonded not only through volleyball, but also in English class (through junior year). She's opened up to me - no, we've opened up to each other. I've told her things no one else has ever heard. And yes, we may get upset and not talk to each other at times, but there will always be a place for her in my heart. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. She's my honey bee. You could call her my best friend. She's been there for me and I truly hope she could say the same about me. I don't know if that's how she feels and I doubt I ever will, but that just gives me more reason not to let go of her. Let's stick together for a very very long time, dear, because honestly, we're just too beautiful together. We're stars.

Don't forget...
stars never stop shining.

April Vacation ♥

I love the feeling of waking up in the morning and not having to worry about work or going to school. I can watch tv whenever I want. I can take as long as I want in the morning. I can take as many naps as I want. I can spend my time reading books I'm interested in. I can sleep as long as I want, at whatever time I want. I can do whatever... for the next 8 days lol.

Vacation. Take this time to do what you want now because when we're all grown up and have jobs, we won't get weeks off to be lazy bums around the house anymore.

:)

Quit messing with me, boy! Make up your mind! >_<

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

In my opinion one of the worst feelings in the world is liking someone who doesn't like you back. It's a shame how much time and effort you put into being around them or trying to be. Even now I have the strongest urge to go online and talk to him. Forget homework, forget responsibilities. My heart is willing to do it just so I can bring that satisfactory smile back to my face. But then my mind is telling me to resist. If the guy doesn't share your feelings then what's the point? Move on, right? I wish it were that easy.

Overwhelming

I have no idea what happened Monday. The day went by in a blur. I know I went home early for an orthodontist appt with my mom, but then I don't remember what happened after. At night I remember I came upstairs to take a shower but my mom was taking forever so I lay down on my bed and I nodded off. I woke up to my mom yelling at me to get up and do some work. She kept saying "This is why you're gonna fail". That day we got a letter in the mail about me nearly failing Precalc Honors. It said that I needed a D- average to graduation. Which right now is a relief because I talked to Bradeen today and she said that I at least need a 40 on the final to pass with a D-. I won't say I'm aiming for that because I think I can manage that, especially if I get a B for 4th term. It just took a bit of weight off my shoulders. I'm not in the green yet, but I'm thinking that it'll turn out okay and I'll get to graduate ^^
But getting back to the story, my mom's words struck me. And she goes on talking for 10 minutes after a conversation is over so she was walking around the hall still talking about me as if I were some lost cause. I closed my door and turned on my iPod. Then I started crying. And it was like I couldn't stop. Even when my mom came an hour later I couldn't stop. It was an all-out blubbery, boogery sort of cry. I told her she was the last person I wanted to talk to. Then Malcolm came in and he helped me stop. He became my therapist. We talked and in the end I felt slightly better.
When I looked in the mirror I saw someone I didn't know. (Or maybe someone I haven't seen in a while. Maybe someone I've been hiding all along..) My entire face was swollen (it was the first time that's ever happened to me) and my eyes were all red. I eventually went to sleep, but when I woke up for school my eyes were still swollen. At school I couldn't look anyone in the eye for a while. I walked into homeroom and Z was there so I walked out. I felt like crap. Ka'Mari and Sabrina were talking and he said "Wow, someone didn't get any sleep last night." And I assume that's what everybody else thought too because (aside from Cwong who saw me in the hall and asked what was wrong.. I adore her ♥) the next person to ask if I was okay was my guidance counselor Mr. Blogier. And that was during lunch. He asked me if I wanted to go to the nurse and I said "No, it's fine."
After school was better because I got to hit during volleyball practice. At one point I tried telling Star what had happened but I ended up walking away from the topic all together. I didn't see the point in telling her something that happened the night before. Though I do feel bad that she has to find out through my blog. Eh...
But yea, that was my Tuesday. I felt like crying again at least 3 times in school.

Oh yea, and I didn't get in the fashion show. Whatever, that's life. But I should really learn not to let everything build up like that. I just breakdown in the end..

I can say one thing though. Hanging out with Star after school cheered me up a lot.
:)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Cave Time

So, yes, I'm in the Cave at school again. Things have been... so bad.
But let's talk about Sunday first because that's really when it all started. I woke up around 1 to my dad tugging my pillow telling me to get up. "Let's go. Dinah's gonna talk to you about college." I moaned in response. It took a while for me to get up but once I got downstairs I saw that it was just dad and Dinah at the table. I wanted to make sure Malcolm was there to discuss too so I stalled until he came back from church. Then we sat down in the dining room and talked (my mom was in the kitchen, she came in from time to time). And all my frustrations came out. All my concerns, all my confusion, I laid it out on the table. I told them what I wanted to do and what I liked - or didn't like - about each school (RIT, Framingham, and Amherst). We talked about a bit about what courses I'd be taking and money (though we couldn't really discuss the latter much since I still don't have financial stuff from Framingham or Amherst). Then Dinah proposed a thought that was already lurking in the outskirts of my mind: what if you go there (RIT) and you realize that you don't want to do science, that you don't like the lab? what are you gonna do? would you have any other options?
Honestly, I can't see myself doing anything else. I've had this "dream job" in my mind since maybe sophomore year? I've never given anything else a thought. Having to face reality really scared me. I was already having doubts about me being able to do the work at that school. What if I do poorly in Physics and Chemistry and Calculus? I didn't do well in high school. And do I actually want to get my doctorate? That program is geared toward graduate school...
I heard everything else my dad and my sister and Malcolm were saying, but that one idea shook me. Is this, biomedical science, really what I want to do? I truly felt lost. And that's when I lost it. I covered my face with my hands (because I could never fully and openly do it in front of my family, especially my dad; it shows weakness) and started to cry. Soon my hands were covered with tears so I got up to wipe my face, but I never let any of them see me. It was only until I sat back down with red eyes that they realized I was crying. For the rest of the "meet" I stared down at the table. I can only imagine the look on my dad's face.
Later my mom told me to come along and give my sister a ride to school. We were going to get a prom dress. Dinah had told us about a place in Salem that sells dresses, plus there was another store nearby that I wanted to check out. I looked through the dresses and found this amazing red sequined Jovani dress to try on (it was just my size ^^). My mom and Dinah found a few others that looked nice so I tried them on too. The first one I tried was the one we ended up buying.. The red dress was absolutely stunning. It was form-fitting/mermaid styled and I couldn't really move in it so that was a no go. The other ones were pretty too, but they didn't catch my attention as much. It was still fun trying them on though!
So the dress we ended up getting is satiny and cobalt blue with a v-neck. It has sequined straps that go back sort of like suspenders (with a line down my back) and sequined detailing above my waist. There's a fanned train on the back. When I first tried it on I didn't think it was anything particularly special, but everyone said it looked great. After all the other dresses I ended up liking it a lot, especially the train. My mom was joking about how my dream dress, the one I had a dream about, was a lot like the one I got: blue, long, straps, flow-y, shiny detailing (sequins). Pretty weird, huh?
Afterwards we got lunch at Bertucci's and my mom and I went home. Overall, that dress was the one thing that made my day. That and Bertucci's. ♥
Everything else was crap. Emotional, frustrating crap.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Weak

Friday Update
Z... came up to me and asked me to pass... *blush* What's his deal? What's his angle? What's he tryna do? What annoys me is that him doing that only makes me more interested. Sigh. I want so much to just be done with it all but the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants... to be around Z more haha. That's why I got up and passed with him x]

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Cuties

So this past week I haven't been getting much sleep. I've been tired everyday and I've been getting annoyed easily. (I've learned that sleep really affects your mood guys. Make sure you get your sleep!!!) Come Friday I was EXHAUSTED. I slept or nodded off in maybe half of my classes. Smh, it's so bad. I almost always nod off in precalc. That's dangerous! I sit in the front! Plus, I'm really trying to do well this term. I won't learn anything if I fall asleep! :\ Then I went to the game. I passed with Twinn :3 We went to Grove Hall with Star. Cwong's such a cutie. She got me a muffin. I hate her for it (because I told her NOT to get it for me) but I absolutely love her for it. Twinnnnnn♥ I noticed that Z kept looking at me. Stupid Vicky, if she hadn't pointed that out I wouldn't be thinking about it... a lot. And yes, he asked me to pass with him...
Anyway varsity won. Oh yea and '10 seniors visited. Donald, Thomas, Tong, Lau. It's always nice seeing them :] At 5 I left for BCNC to play on Allan's team. I was so tired, but I tried my best to play anyway. That lasted until 9:30 or 10. Afterwards Vicky came by and invited me to dinner. Of course I wasn't gonna pass up free food (because I had barely eaten all day) so I agreed to go. When I asked her why she wanted me to go to dinner with her and her New York friend Michael she said because she wanted me to come. Awwww shucks *blush* We got drinks from DK and ate hotpot (my first time! I'm glad I got to try it!). Vicky's a cutie tooooooooooo! Thanks honey!!!! ^^ ♥ Hehehehe I'm part of the family..
I got a ride home but I ended up getting there at like 12:30. By that time I just wanted to take a shower and fall asleep but of course my brother and my mom weren't having that. After Vicky's mom left (she was going to explain to my mom what happened, but she just talked to Malcolm thinking he was my dad heheh.. btw Malcolm thinks she's sweet and he wants to invite her to my graduation party lol. My mom on the other hand... said that if she spoke to her that she would've given her "a piece of my mind" sigh -_-) they lectured and yelled at me for a good hour and it just pissed me off. My mom said that it was disrespectful for me to do that which is complete bull. I mean, I'd understand if I came home drunk or high or on drugs or if I didn't come home at all, but I didn't. I called everyone and even if they didn't pick up I left a message. I told them I was getting a ride home. How is that disrespectful? Does she not trust my judgement? I didn't say what time because I didn't know. You can't tell how long it'll take to eat in a restaurant. I know my mom was just worried about me, but she didn't need to get in my face like that. You know when I was in the car on my way home she called and told me that when I get home I could just pack my bags and leave? Yeah. She completely overreacted.
So after a very long day I was just not happy about coming home and getting yelled at. That's why I was upset. But I'm better now :]
My parents are getting on my case about everything and getting on my nerves more and more nowadays (I'm guessing it has something to do with me going to college soon). I'll be out of the house and it'll be over soon enough. And who knows, maybe things will get better at the last minute or something. I mean because things always get better! :]

That was Friday. Today on the other hand was a complete WASTEEEEEE. I woke up around 1 or 2 (lovely! lmao), made myself some eggs for "breakfast", and watched tv for a good hour or so. Then my mom came downstairs and said that if I still wanted to go prom dress shopping I'd have to be ready by 3:30. I got dressed (and was looking cute I might add) but we didn't leave until maybe 4:30. We went to one store, I didn't see anything I liked though I got the name of one company to check out. We went to my grandmama's house for a while, picked up my sister, went to At&t to get my mom a new phone (which took FOREVER), went to another boutique only to find out that it didn't sell prom dresses and then we went home. See what I mean when I say it was a waste? -_- I've decided that I'm just going to find a dress online and get it tailored or something. I have a good idea of what I want:
I don't really mind about the top as long as it's not a tube top type thing or something that ties around my neck. I want something form-fitting or something flowy or both. I don't mind patterns but I would prefer a solid colored dress. And it has to be long. I originally wanted a dark blue dress, but I don't really care anymore. People expect me to wear orange, but I feel like it wouldn't look good on me lol. That's pretty much it. It's sorta broad so now I just have to find something I really like... that doesn't cost a fortune lol.
Yea. Then I basically watched TV when I came home hehehe. That Amherst college visit has been rescheduled for Thursday instead of tomorrow. Oh yeah! And I'm pretty peeved that I got kicked off the team of bloggers for the TTT blog because I blog "infrequently". Now I just won't support it at all. Vicky's right, Anthony needs a chill pill. I hope everyone enjoys Maya's depressing love poems. It's mean, but it's true. Sorry. Aaaaaand that's about it. I sorta wanted to watch Fast&Furious and browse dresses, but now I'm just typed out. And my stomach hurts (cramps >.<). I can't sit like this for much longer... without pills haha. But this is the exact reason why I didn't get any sleep this week, because I stayed up late on the weekend and it just carried over. But you know, an hour ago everybody in the house was up. I realized that it's not just me. We're all night owls in this family. It's not my fault, it's in my genes :]
Alright. I'll blog ya later.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

There Goes That

I'm thiiiiiiiiis close to giving up on him. First off, he doesn't talk. Secondly, he's still stuck on that girl. Or some girl. Apparently it's "a secret". Okay, so maybe he still kinda interests me, but it's impossible to like someone who's so... one-track minded. Stubborn. Or maybe it's determination (to get a girlfriend)?
Whatever, it seems like no matter what I say nothing changes. (Sounds familiar, huh?) I can't keep wasting my time. For Star I'd spend the rest of my time on this earth, but for someone like him... I don't know. I guess the only reason I'm still trying is cuz I see him looking at me. And.. that means something? Aside from all his flaws though he seems like a good friend and a good person in general so that could be why too.
Either way, I'm ready for someone new. These one-sided interests aren't tasteful. Give me a nice guy I can hang with. Someone I don't know. Someone different. Something different...

And Star and I have been hanging out quite a bit. And I like it :) ♥

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes."

<3

Monday, April 4, 2011

Cheap Trick -- I Want You To Want Me

Super cute song. ^_^

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Failure

I was having stomach aches earlier so I took a nap. Then in the past hour or so I woke up, ate some food, wrote a poem, and came up with an impressive idea. After eating I found myself staring at my book practically falling asleep. That's when I realized that I could not come up with a 5 page essay about a book I barely remember in less than 8 hours. Right now, for me it just seems impossible. I'm emotionally unstable, sleep-deprived, and completely unfocused. So I came up with this plan to type an essay instead on why I can't do the essay and turn it in on turnitin.com. It was genius, the best (and worst) idea I've come up with in a while. To lengthen it I would've added information on what I did this weekend, described my experiences with RIT and Framingham, discussed my worries about college, told about the long days and even longer nights of the past few days, mentioned my specific difficulty with the book, and referenced to how I honestly don't feel like I'm able to write anything. I even came up with a thesis statement. Of course I would've been completely honest throughout the entire thing. Yes, I would be listing excuses but they're all major concerns and complications to me. I would've mentioned also that yes, I should have started all this earlier to save me time and trouble, but that I've worked too hard my throughout my high school career for it all to be taken away by not completing one English assignment, that I would make it up as soon as possible knowing that the final is due next Monday. It would have been a very interesting (or disappointing) essay for Ms. Williams to read. But just as I was about to start it, I logged onto turnitin and saw that late assignments were accepted. So I was saved. Or at least given some time to seriously buckle down. And now that that's out of the way (more like held off for a bit) I'm going to go upstairs and fall asleep and get ready to work my ass off tomorrow. I won't go down without a fight, that's for sure. Maybe I'll post that poem I wrote later. For now, I'm gonna hit the hay and catch some Z's. Night.

And yet, I still feel like a failure...

All-nighter? I think so.

Those college tours really f-ed up my weekend. I don't usually do any hw on Friday or Saturday anyway, but now I'm uber tired but I still have to stay up and do all this crap.

Things to do tonight:
- My research essay! (5 full pages on turnitin.com by 7am... all on a book that I still haven't finished yet. I think I'm just gonna have to skim through the rest of it.)
- Finish that financial aid stuff for Framingham and email RIT about their Biomed Program
- Write an absent note for Friday and get it signed
- Catch up on all my other English hw
- Attempt to finish other hw
- Contact Amherst about a financial aid package

And I think that's all I'll be able to get done tonight. More like just the first one. Because if my dad wakes up in the middle of the night to find me still working I'm going to get in even more trouble. This sucks. I have colleges to think about and scholarships and jobs to apply for and a permit test to take (because my parents keep going on and on about it, like stfu! I know I need to take the test soon. Jesus Christ. Let me handle my shit!).
And I have to sell 3 more boxes of chocolates. I was only gonna get 2 but then Van took another 6 and my competitiveness kicked in -_-
All this chocolate is taking a toll on my body. I can't fit into half of my jeans anymore. I need to go to the Y again. Maybe tomorrow... Shoot. I gotta get to work :(
Wish me luck!

"If you're looking for love,
Get a heart made of steel.
Cause you know that love kills.
Don't go messing with love,
It'll hurt you for real.
Don't you know that love kills.
Protect yourself
Cause you'll wreck yourself
In this cold, hard world
So check yourself.
You conceal your dreams
And you shield yourself
Til that one kind soul
Reveals itself."

Robyn♥

I FOUND OUT WHO SHE LIKES :)

And btw I think I found the perfect gift for her birthday. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE♥

RIT

Rochester Institute of Technology is beautiful. Yanyi was right. I love the campus. I learned more about the Biomedical Science major there and it sounds like something I'd love to do. Even though my parents annoyed me very often... I had a good time. There's the tunnel system of the school, the unity house (for "minority", the black people), the international house (that has its own full kitchen to I can bake ^^), the sports, the clubs... it was all just so nice. My parents liked it a lot too. At the end they even got me some RIT clothing ;)
Sure, it's a dominantly white school and I'd be like the only black kid in my class and my floor, but I don't really mind. It's a good thing I was in METCO for a good part of my childhood. My parents are all for paying for me to go to school there, I mean it is my top choice, but I still need to consider my other options.
This morning or... yesterday morning my brother, my mom, and I visited Framingham. It was okay. They definitely pointed out how at Framingham I was sure to get lots of lab practice if I enroll in their Biology program. The campus reminded me of Curry College. I met their volleyball team though :) When we got back I got my acceptance letter to Amherst in the mail. I have yet to receive financial aid packages from Framingham and Amherst though so I have an important decision to make. We'll see...

What Happened

So this is what happened with Z. I told him she was haitian. And he said he only goes for asians. Oh well. I warned him that I didn't think he would like it when he found out who she was. At least I got it over with. I hope he won't be weird around me though.

Favorite Quotes

"Anything essential is invisible to the eyes." --Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince)

"I'm a collection of stories waiting to be picked up and read with interest, to be read by someone who actually cares. I've been left behind. I've been used. I've been torn. I feel out of place. I just need someplace I belong." --Me

"You will never be younger than you are at this very moment so live each moment to its fullest. Smile. Be happy. Forgive. Forget. Have fun. Live." --Me

"Sometimes ties have to be broken in order to find out which relationships are worth fighting for." --Me

"Do one thing that scares you everyday; live a little :)" --Unknown

"Smile and kill them with kindness." --Malcolm Joseph

"Be good and set the world on fire." --Ms. Jackson

"Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth." --Souza

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn a mighty stranger." --Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

"It's about telling someone how you feel regardless of what you get back, and not waiting to find out if they want you or not." --Elly Jackson

"You have to know what you stand for, not just what you stand against." --Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

"The best things in life aren't things." --Art Buchwald

"The guy who was my best friend doesn't exist any longer, and I don't want to think about the person who has taken his place. I go over everything that happened last year, trying to figure out what I could have done different, what I would do different if I had the chance, but I don't know. Mostly I wonder "what if?" I am too mixed up to really care. And to think, I used to be sure of things." --S.E. Hinton, That Was Then, This Is Now