Day 16

Something you could live without.

I could live without.. makeup. I don't wear it haha. I don't see the point in putting on a mask. Long lashes and red lips are society's definition of beauty, not mine. People waste so much time and money on it and for what? A second glance? A compliment? Ehh, I'll stick with my natural features. But you know, sometimes even I think I look manly. Because all my life I've had this image of a beautiful woman in my head: thin, large chest, long hair, pretty face, makeup... I can't help but compare myself to that unattainable image. Sigh. And now I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Goodnight.

Day 15

Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.

1. First Time -- Lifehouse
2. Bet I -- B.o.B. feat. T.I. & Playboy Tre
3. Gutter -- Paper Route
4. The Anthem -- Good Charlotte
5. No Such Thing -- John Mayer
6. Imperfect Is The New Perfect -- Caitlin Crosby
7. River Flows In You -- Yiruma
8. Tonight -- Jonas Brothers
9. Autumn -- Sparks The Rescue
10. Closer -- Anberlin
    

Day 14

A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.

I stole this from my house on Sunday and I've slowly being eating the whole quart by myself smh. Literally like 15 minutes ago I almost finished it. And now my stomach is bulging out and I feel fat and lazy :\

1. Today we (the volleyball team) had our first scrimmage with CCRI (Community College of Rhode Island or something like that) and I didn't get to play. Coach said that I was supposed to go in during the 5th set because usually there's 5, but tonight there were just 4 sets soo.... yea. I don't know. When it started I got really upset that he wanted me to do stats and I started doubting my decision to stay on the team. I do that a lot nowadays. Maybe it wasn't the right decision... :(
2. I really miss my Boston/high school/Asian friends. Every day I'm liking my teammates less and less (except for one or two). I just don't like their personalities. They constantly talk about other teammates behind their backs, they act stupid, and they whisper and giggle to each other in front of everyone else. I can only imagine that they talk about me behind my back too.
3. It's as if each day I spend here I lose sight of myself and what I came here for. I'm not sure of myself anymore.
4. Right now I sort of feel like bawling my eyes out.
5. I hope I get along with my roommate nicely. She's already friends with one of the girls on the volleyball team (one of the ones I genuinely like) so we shouldn't have too much trouble.
6. I've accepted who I am for the most part, but there are still those days when I look in the mirror and just want to wipe what I see away. Those days are actually becoming more frequent.
7. I'm holding back tears right now.
8. I feel as though I don't belong on the volleyball team, like I'm an outsider. I'm afraid I'll be a loner for the rest of my time here, that I won't find a real friend.
9. I miss home and my family and my bed and.. those childish days when I could do things without having to worry about scary moments like this.
10. Ummm... I was very close to losing my lip virginity (haha my first kiss) to my best friend. But that was like 3 years ago lol.
    

Day 13

Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.

Haha. I've done this on Facebook a couple times.. of course, I bleeped out some words and names from it so that people couldn't tell who I was talking about lol. My only problem now is deciding on who to write to.

Dear Dinah,

How did our relationship turn out the way it did? How is it that you can be my flesh and blood sister and I am able to still feel not much of anything for you? I've always blamed it on the fact that we were born five years apart. I blame the fact that you never played with me and the fact that you were forced to take me places on that age difference. When I was just a kid you were already in your tween/teen years. Of course you had grown out of that Barbie phase. But there's always that little piece of my mind that thinks that you never liked me to begin with. Maybe you were jealous that I stole your spot as the youngest child. The are a limited number of times I remember you actually showing affection for me. Once was back when we shared a room. Mom and Dad were fighting, yelling loud, and it scared me. I started crying on my bed and you asked me what was wrong. You climbed on the bed with me and held me telling me that it was okay. You stayed with me until I stopped crying. You made me feel safe. The other time was when you wrote me a letter. In it you said things like "I know it seems like I don't care about you, but I love you little sister." It was special, it put a big smile on my face. Too bad I don't know where that letter is now... But those small moments almost don't compare to all the other times we've screamed at each other, all those other times we nearly started throwing punches. I feel as though we'll never have that sisterly bond that I've always wished for. It's just too late. It's too late for us to hang out and for it to feel normal. We've never been close and I don't think we ever will be.

And you know what? Last week when Mom was offering you fish and you said "give it to Christina" that really hurt me. What's wrong with you? I know our personalities are completely different, but do you have to be such a bitch to everyone in the family all the time? Sigh.

Signed,

Little Sister

Day 12

A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.

Dorm livin' motha chuckaaaas! x)
How many Domo's can you spot? haha.

Secret: I hope my roommate doesn't think I'm weird (cuz of all the Domo stuff or that Joker poster I "borrowed" from my brother) or childish (cuz of the stuffed animals I sleep with)... D:

Day 11

A picture of something you dislike.

I dislike how so many beautiful girls around the world feel like they have to change themselves somehow just to be considered beautiful by society's definition. It's ridiculous. Makeup, diets, plastic surgery, you don't need it! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

www.operationbeautiful.com

Day 10

A story about a past relationship.

I was going to write about a crush I've had before but I looked through some of my old posts and saw that I've pretty much wrote about them all (the major ones at least haha). Actually, the first three posts I ever made were about my first crushes. (Look for Ahh, the Hopeless Romantic: Parts I-III.) The only crush I don't think I really went into was the one I had on Frank-o-bean. Last week I would've said the same thing that I thought for the past like 3 years, that if things were a bit different, if he were a bit taller, Frank would be a wonderful boyfriend, that I'd definitely go out with him. But the last time I met with him (Friday) things were different. He was different. He was still sweet and caring and made me laugh and could hold a conversation with me with no problem but there was something.. off. First off we went to the Cheesecake Factory and the environment seemed too.. romantic. And secondly he was telling me about all the things that he did like going on a bunch of different diets and all this stuff. He even confessed to me that he's been going out and getting drunk like every weekend. There's something wrong. He's stressed, maybe even depressed. I just wish I could help somehow! :[
But yea, he's a great guy. My Frank-o-bean :) Our relationship's not over though, things have just changed..

Day 09

Something/someone you’re proud of.

Can I just cheat and say that I'm proud of myself? I mean, sure there are other people that I'm proud of like Twinn, Honey Bee, Chupson, etc. but I'm just sorta kinda concerned with myself right about now haha. I spent most of the last month preparing for the fashion show and guess what? It turned out great. I sold like 20 tickets (with help from my mom haha) and my family really liked it. It took a lot of work. Then pretty much the day afterward I got all my stuff packed up and ready for school. I've spent the last few days working my butt off at volleyball practice. I still get frustrated like there's no tomorrow and I still feel like everyone on that court is better than me but I have people supporting me through this. I have family and friends who have got my back. I have people who believe in me. I can do this. I will get better. I will be on the same level as those other players or maybe even better some day. I am proud of everything that I've done so far. I am proud of me.

Day 08

Short term goals for this month and why.

You know, at the beginning of this month after I came back from Haiti and New Hampshire, I listed out everything I needed to do and buy. Time passed and I barely got any of them done. I didn't get Thomas his Godiva shake, I didn't take the commuter rail to Salem and eat at Howling Wolf Taquiero, I didn't go to Canobie with the Gang (my cousins), I didn't hang out with Derek or Khanh, I didn't volunteer, I didn't even get my permit -_-

But I did get through that fashion show, sold over 15 tickets, learned how to play mahjong, visited the younger Lady Dragons again (and gave Twinn my gift!), hung out with Frank-o-bean and had a great time, I even packed up all my stuff in one night and moved into school successfully. Those are some pretty good accomplishments.

Right now, my main goal for the rest of the month would probably be to stick it out and get through captain's practice. It's really tough. I cried today because I felt so inferior... but I think coach still wants me on the team (why else would he ask the captain to help me before practice every day?). That gives me some sort of motivation. That and all the comments people left on Facebook, those really helped :) <3

It might get a bit lonely here, but this is something I just have to do. I have to try..

Day 07

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

My big brother Malcolm. Sure, now it seems like I just want to shut him out of my life, but he's has the biggest impact on my life, hands down. He was the one who played with me as a kid when my sister Dinah was too busy doing her teen things. He was the one I talked to when I was upset. He was the one who stayed up all night and helped me write a final paper for English that was due the next day. He was my singing partner, my protector, my mentor, my lawyer, my loving big brother. You know what? Scratch that. He still is. We're just going through a rough patch right now -_-

Final Days

Everything is complete bullshit. My family can't trust me and we're fighting every night. All of this is happening less than a week before I move onto campus too.. I hate for things to end so badly now. Not only that but it finally feels like my best friend is a stranger. I say finally because I was told that it would happen sooner or later. I guess later has arrived. So while I'm trying to say goodbye-for-now's to my friends, the relationships with the most important people in my life are sort of just.. disintegrating.
Also, the other day I finally got to tell her my thoughts. I felt a little bad about saying certain things but the feeling I got afterward overshadowed all that. I was so proud of myself for speaking my mind. I felt like a brand new person. It didn't matter that she wouldn't really listen to what I was saying, that she would stay with him, or that he would essentially take my role of best friend in her life, I was glad that I was able to voice my thoughts. And you know what? I'm almost okay with it now. I don't care anymore. I just want to move on and get away from all this crap. "Fuck everyone and fuck everything..." (It's a Jon Lajoie song lol. It's one of the very few things that makes me smile these days.)

I'll be there to help her when the time's right.

For now I'll just have to get through these final days as best as I can.

Day 06

A hobby you have.


BAKING!

I sorta kinda love it :)

Day 05

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

I've been here. At one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to in my family's amazing country Haiti. I'll never forget it.

Day 04

List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.

Jeez. 15? Really? I can barely think of 5... sigh.

1. Under Control -- Parachute
2. Fallin' For You -- Colbie Caillat
3. Move Along -- The All-American Rejects
4. Be Mine! -- Robyn
   
5. All You Need Is Love -- The Beatles (Yes, at this point I'm just going through my iTunes lol)
6. I Gotta Feeling -- Black Eyed Peas
7. Dancing On My Own -- Robyn
   
8. Maps -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
   
9. I Want You To Want Me -- Cheap Trick
10. Till I Get There -- Lupe Fiasco
11. I'm Coming Out -- Diana Ross
12. Float On -- Modest Mouse
    
13. Are We All Forgotten -- Paper Route
    
14. Wish -- Paper Route
15. Two Birds -- Regina Spektor
16. Dream On -- Robyn (just because♥)

Okay. So I guess it really wasn't that hard lol. I couldn't even fit all of them on my list haha.

Day 03

A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

I'm really organized.. almost to a point where I get very agitated if someone touches something of mine and they don't put it back the same way they found it. Some might call it OCD lol. I should probably work on that :\

Day 02

A picture of something you cannot live without.

Family. I couldn't survive without them. No matter how much they get on my nerves, how many times they make me cry, I wouldn't be anywhere if it weren't for them.

Day 01

A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

1. I don't smile very often...


2. I am the adoptive mother of two female guinea pigs.


3. I have a traffic light in my room.


4. I have virgin lips.


5. I have a thing for geeks :)


6. My brother got me Where the Wild Things Are (the book) for my 18th birthday and I loved it!


7. I joined a group called Youth Modeling Society earlier in the school year and it was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while.


8. I love to bake.


9. Domo puts a smile on my face.


10. I can't swim.


11. I'm part of a "Gang". (It's a group made up of some of my cousins, my brother and I; we go out and do things together to bond. Yea, it's cute, I know.)


12. My childhood was spent in Lexington. I went to school there for 7 years.


13. Over the past 4 years most of my crushes have been Asian teehee <3


14. I really like to sing and dance randomly and make weird faces :)


15. I don't talk about my life very much at all, which makes me seem detached from others. But I'm glad to have a best friend who understands that and accepts me the way I am, who's there when I do need to talk.

Challenging..

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 02- A picture of something you cannot live without.
Day 03- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day 04- List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 06- A hobby you have.
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why.
Day 09- Something/someone you’re proud of.
Day 10- A story about a past relationship.
Day 11- A picture of something you dislike.
Day 12- A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.
Day 13- Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.
Day 14- A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.
Day 16- Something you could live without.
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19- Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.
Day 20- If you had 3 wishes, what would they be.
Day 21- Share a picture from your day.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23- What is something you crave.
Day 24- Share a story about your past that you are ashamed of.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag.
Day 26- Places you want to visit before you die.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned.
Day 30- A picture of you today & 20 goals you want to accomplish.

Keep Holding On.

I hate it when a lapse forms in friendships. When we don't talk for a while and when we finally do it feels like we're on two completely different planets. Those are the times I fear the most that we could end. Please, keep holding on.

Lehgo.

johnnnnn:
went to his prom :)
..i love these pics of us <3 i miss you quite terribly

I totally stole this from Luan Legacy's tumblr but I love it lol. It's so friggs adorable! ^^

Dear Best Friend,

I really hope you get a chance to read this. It's something that just came to my mind, but it worries me.

Have you ever realized that you're putting all your happiness in that one person? Because I remember before you used to say you disliked things about yourslef, that you weren't good enough, and that you didn't love yourself. It's great that you don't feel that as strongly as before, but that's just it. Those feelings are still there. And sure you feel at peace with him and he makes you happy and whatnot, but have you ever thought that he's acting as a distraction for all those problems you had before? I mean, you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself first, but that's exactly what you did. And I'm just worried that in the unfortunate event that things end bad and he leaves.. all those feelings and problems will come back even stronger because you never actually worked on fixing them in the first place.

Love, A Concerned Friend

Clubbin' Gal

:)

Love has never really hit me.

Everyday I walk the streets saying or acting like I'm content being alone. But no one ever really is. Compliments from middle-aged strangers means absolutely nothing to me. I'm continuously waiting for something, someone to make my time here a bit more worthwhile. I wait for the day when I can walk around with a smile on my face or at least a smile in my heart. It's taking forever to get here. But when it does, it can all so easily be swept away. I can get my heart broken in a second. Still, it's a risk I'm willing to take. Once that person comes along...

New Hampshire

I never did get to talk about my NH trip with YMS... When people ask how it was I don't know what to say. I spent two days and two nights there. And the only time I had an inkling of fun was when I made s'mores... and when I got that bullseye playing darts. Every other time I was either upset, crying, or just feeling awkward (because of Honey Bee and her Beau or anything else). The house was great and everything, I just felt somewhat out of place. And things just got worse. It was a combination of my feelings toward certain people, my reaction to when a valued friend said that I shouldn't hold on to my relationship with my best friend, being updated on all the stuff going on with my best friend, and anger at myself for not speaking up.
I was able to sum up the trip and what went wrong in a little paragraph:
In one short day a few words were able to break me down. The light from that lone electric star shone on the page. "Why am I the way I am? Why don't I speak? Why am I the way I am? Why don't I speak? Why am I..." I tried to scribble away my choking thoughts but they kept coming back. They pushed me to the point of tears. There in that comfortable house I should have been smiling. Instead I lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. Had anyone dared to look inside my black and white spotted notebook they would have seen the red ink of my pent up frustrations. But had they seen it and asked I would have nothing to say about it. For some reason I keep my thoughts to myself, never letting anyone fully understand my true feelings. Just like that night in New Hampshire, I am asking myself why I do that. Why do I feel the need to hold it all in? The answer I keep telling myself is "I don't know."

As a result of my not speaking my mind I seem distant to others, I know this. I just fear that one day people might think I'm pushing them away.

Legolas

I just finished watching all three very long movies of the Lord of the Rings. It took four days lol. But I remember why I loved Orlando Blooms character so much ^_^
There's just something about bows and arrows that's so sexy. Especially when you can kill with it in one shot. ♥

August 20th

This was something I wrote my first night in Haiti:

Out of all the crazy, saddening, heart wrenching, absurd things I've seen in my first day here, there's one thing that I absolutely love about it all. The land. My ancestors thrived on a breathtaking country. The trees, the scenery, the strength of these people. It's all amazingly beautiful. And at the end of the day when I look up into those countless twinkling stars, I'm glad that I'm here to experience it all.

That's how our society works. A huge chunk of our money goes to the jesters, the jugglers, the entertainers of our day. In a way, it sort of makes sense. Because honestly, in the end, their the ones who are seriously screwed. Their the ones with messed up lives. They should get some sort of retribution, right? That doesn't mean I think that others (teachers perhaps) shouldn't get paid more, they should. It just means that I see how entertainers lives are a burden. They all pay a price to be where they are. And it may not worth it.

Uniforms

The past and only two times I've ridden the commuter rail or Amtrak train or anything of the sort, the conductors I've seen were amazingly cute. Why? Their uniforms. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the hat. Maybe it's the buttons. Another uniform that's soooo cute is a pilot's uniform. At the airport there was a group of guys walking in the terminal to their planes or whatnot. I stopped and did a double take. I honestly don't know what about it attracts me. But they're so.. dreamy :3

That's a picture from the movie "Catch Me If You Can" starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks. DiCaprio makes that uniform look so good... ♥

I'm trying to distinguish my real friends from everyone I've associated myself with throughout high school. And I'm finding that I actually only have a handful. But I guess one is better than none. It just sucks knowing that sometimes you aren't as important to some people as they are to you. Oh well. Live, learn, make new friends, move on.

Strangers.

Maybe all high school ever was was a building we were forced to be in day after day. The only reason we talked then was to make our days a bit more bearable. Because after graduation we all went our separate ways. We don't talk and even if we did it wouldn't be the same. It'd be that dreaded "how are you" over and over again. No closeness, no bond, no proof that we ever were friends except for a few pictures. But that's how it works I guess. We're all just strangers who cross paths at one point or another. Well, I want you to know that it was nice to know you, stranger. Until next time.